Monday, February 01, 2010

Tony Abbott’s return to his ‘Liberal’ roots may well leave him rooted!

Some of you will not be aware that The Blowfly has a deeply spiritual side----for a small insect that is!

Often The Blowfly finds solace and peace and quiet by visiting a Cathedral and soaking up the stillness and coolness that it affords him in his moment of need.
This tendency for Cathedral-hopping recently brought him into meaningful contact with our new Opposition leader, Tony Abbott.

The Blowfly was enjoying a peaceful pew-sit and moment of reflection in St Mary’s Cathedral in Sydney when he felt a slight breeze ruffle his wings.

It was Tony Abbott who, after a stylish genu’flect and sign of the cross, positioned himself a couple of rows down. There were only the 2 of you in the Cathedral. You felt a special moment coming on and gently alighted from your pew to get your germy feet onto on his exquisite (for a man his age)shoulder.

Immediately you were able to read his thoughts, as you are with many Catholics. Their minds are generally more structured---- thanks to the nuns and priests who shaped their thinking so lovingl . Tony is never ‘backward in coming forward’ and it was the same with God. He began praying along the following lines:

“ Dear God, thank you for listening to me again today….. You have been an interminable source of support ever since I left the priesthood. …..St Patrick’s Seminary at Manly really wasn’t for me…… It was so close to the wonderful beach at Manly where all those beautiful girls in bikinis advertised their wares….. It was too tempting! …..My hormones were so active and, frankly, I just wanted to screw everything in sight…….Thank you for forgiving me and providing a grander plan for me…..A bloke with a hairy chest and who looks so good in budgie-smugglers would be wasted on the priesthood!”

“ I need your help sorting out some confusions in my poor little Catholic brain. Firstly I am now the Liberal leader…… What does being ‘liberal’ really mean?...the dictionary talks in terms of ‘open-minded’ and ‘generous’…….we are known as the conservative side of politics but our founder , Sir Robert Menzies said that ‘We chose the word 'Liberal' because we want to be a progressive party, in no way conservative, in no way reactionary.’”

“I will admit I felt pretty ‘liberal’ when I was at Sydney University and Oxford University and some of the women I dated were also quite ‘liberal’. But now my daughters are giving me a hiding about my ‘keeping your virginity’ comments last week. They say butt out ……but I just don’t want them to be as ‘liberal’ as I was……. I know things have changed since I was a lad and I have to move with the times but hell-----they are my daughters!...... I don’t want them to screw every young first grade rugby player and President of the SRC who says they are going off to Oxford to take up a Rhodes Scholarship.”

He stops thinking for a moment while he removes a grotesque wedgy that has emerged as he knelt to pray. As a mere male he is unable to do 2 things at once.

“And then there’s the policy issues God! We are supposed to be the LIBERAL PARTY…… Progressive……and according to our website ‘We believe in the inalienable rights and freedoms of all peoples; and we work towards a lean government that minimises interference in our daily lives; and maximises individual and private sector initiative’.”

“ Oh God what are we to do about sugar?......Yes , sugar!....the Chinese food giant , Bright Food Group wants to buy CSR’s sugar business. It’s good for them but I know in my bones that it will be bad for Australians. It’ll be just like the Vitamin C market! Years ago there were many producers of Vitamin C powder around the world supplying the Australian health food market. But now the Chinese monopolise that market and are forcing the prices up. How will our great party ever be able to reconcile itself to a policy on this issue?”

“Oh dearie me God, what are we to do? We are supposed to ‘believe in the inalienable rights and freedoms of all peoples’----including the Chinese I guess! And yet there is little doubt they’ll force the price of sugar up if they own CSR. It will cost more for Australians to be sweet”

“Please give me guidance God? Please help me to seem intelligent when the journalists ask these questions of me. Please help me to deal with these issues like Peter Costello would’ve done. Please help me to overcome my attraction to Julia Gillard. Please help me to lead the Liberal Party back into office. I await your insight. I will be patient, God!-----just as you have been with me!”

The Blowfly had not seen this side of Tony before and, frankly, you were a little surprised at the way he displayed his vulnerability to God. You sensed his wife had been in his ear about cultivating his ‘female side’.

The Blowfly recalled the famous quip by Sir Robert Menzies, the founder of the Liberal Party, when he first became Prime Minister. An opponent bailed him up and said ‘I take it that before choosing your Cabinet you will consult the powerful interests that control you?” Menzies replied, “Yes, but please keep my wife’s name out of this.”

As Tony left the Cathedral with The Blowfly on his shoulder you received his final thoughts about his dilemma. He was meditating on the definition of Leader provided by Paul Lyneham----“ A Leader is a person who commands the party’s total loyalty until 51% decide someone else can better guarantee their job security at the next election.”

“Maybe I should consult John and Janette Howard as well. I wonder if they are home today?”

The Blowfly’s eyes, as big as they are, roll backwards in his small head.Some things, you think, never change----even in the Liberal Party!

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