In behind most of the things we see, and the events we experience, is a reality that is quite different.
And so it is with Tony Abbott!
Most of you see the person who turns up at businesses seemingly every day to make biscuits with the workers, drive a semi-trailer or pack fruit.
You also see the man known as ‘one-trick Tony’ who appears to have little else by way of policy other than he is going to repeal the carbon tax.
You also know him as the Opposition Leader who had the required amount of gall to be able to label the Prime Minister a criminal on the last day of Parliament without the evidence to back it up.
For most people his behaviour is strangely bizarre and offensive.
So The Blowfly has taken another tack---- and suggests that you might do this too---in order to make sense of this apparent buffoon who, if the Australian people let their guards down, may one day become our Prime Minister.
In order to allow illusions to reveal themselves fully one has to be bold with one’s imagination because the reality behind an illusion can be spectacular.
Here are some possibilities that may explain Tony Abbott’s existence and behaviour ----for you to consider!
1. Tony Abbott is being paid by people unknown to distract Australians from the real issues facing our nation.
In this scenario he is simply on the payroll of the ‘old world order’ and doing the bidding of the last wealthy person, red-neck or Catholic bishop he speaks to. This explains his response to the wealthy miners who want him on their side so they do not have to share our sovereign wealth with us. This also explains his opposition to pricing carbon. The old money is making a financial killing out of selling fossil fuels and polluting the planet and would have to spend huge amounts to convert to clean energy. During earlier sessions of Parliament he tried to distract Australians away from the over-investment in electricity infrastructure by blaming the increases in electricity prices on the carbon tax.
And in the last week in Parliament he distracted Australians away from asylum seekers and the PM being out of step on the recognition of the Palestinian state. He did this by organising his deputy to run the ball up regarding the AWU slush fund issue for which she appeared to have no evidence.
He still has work to do regarding this scenario. The Royal Commission into the abuse of children is starting shortly and he will really have to be on his toes if he is to succeed distracting Australians in this regard.
But no doubt there will more boatloads of asylum-seekers and possibly some starvations, lip-sewing and facilities-destruction to put the Royal Commission back a few pages in the daily rags.
2. Tony Abbott is an Australian crusader for a new global movement dedicated to the abolition of political hypocrisy
We all know that the best way of ridding ourselves of morally reprehensible behaviours is to expose them to the wider public so that they may be reviled and future children are taught to avoid those behaviours. With this in mind a new moral movement dedicated to truth is being set-up by the Quakers.
It will be known as ‘Political Hypocrites Anonymous’ and will be run on similar lines to Alcoholics Anonymous.
Abbott knows he has a sickness in relation to hypocrisy and he has been unable to beat it. When he was a student at St John’s College at Sydney University he was first introduced to hypocrisy and he found it addictive. He also knows it is inconsistent with being a Rhodes Scholar and the general teachings of the Bible.
He initially tried to treat it by spending long hours in the confessional with George Pell but found that it was impossible to lose his lust for it and indeed found his need for it heightened in the company of his confessor.
The most recent incident which demonstrates that the ‘demon’ hypocrisy has him hooked was his calling into question the Prime Minister’s character regarding her unproven involvement in setting up a so-called Union slush fund.
This involved considerable hypocrisy by Abbott given his efforts setting up a slush fund to ensure that Pauline Hanson was removed from the Australian political scene. Undoubtedly he reasoned many young voters would be ignorant of his role in that one and the older voters will have forgotten it anyway.
3. Tony Abbott is an envoy from an alien race in a faraway galaxy sent to make the human race question their sanity.
He is not alone here on Earth. Others who are also part of this inter-galactic mission in Australia are Piers Ackerman, Andrew Bolt and Alan Jones.
Most people think that the human race will experience some increase in awareness and consciousness when the Mayan calendar runs out on 21 December 2012.
Most people except Piers Ackerman, Andrew Bolt, Alan Jones and Tony Abbott that is!
They are dedicated to ensuring that ignorance reigns and points of view that can only be described as ‘dumb as dog shit’ prevail.
In a faraway galaxy there is a race of aliens that have set up a curious experiment/demonstration here. When they saw other inter-galactic civilisations breeding with us to improve our intelligence they placed a bet on their own ability to foil this push.
Initially they sent us the gospels, which they planted in caves in the Middle East, which resulted in any number of religions and then missionaries to convert the heathens.
Then they sent us Adolf Hitler and his offsider, Goebbels to demonstrate the power of propaganda and that lies repeated often enough can be transformed into the truth in the minds of most human beings.
Now they have sent us Tony Abbott in an effort to bewilder our sense of integrity, good manners, logical thinking and moral virtue. We find it puzzling that a good little Catholic boy can be so absolutely bereft of a moral compass and so absolutely endowed with an unrestrained capacity for hypocrisy and bare-faced lies.
Yet we have produced him! Our society! Our country! Our civilisation!
And he has been able to climb the ladder of our political system to within an inch of being PM.
Scary isn’t it?
Good work aliens---- wherever you are!
Nice experiment! Nice demonstration! Very nice!
4. Tony Abbott is collaborating with Clive Palmer to ensure that Australia is at the forefront of political humour globally.
Although they have had their stoushes it won’t surprise you to know that Clive and Tony have much in common.
Labelled as the ‘Mad Monk’ by his peers at University and later in his early days in politics he has taken a very similar pathway to Clive in his later years. Building the Titanic 2 and claiming that the CIA run the world may indeed seem to be fanciful but as usual there is always ‘method in madness’.
Abbott and Palmer have a striking ability to mimic the turn of phrase made popular by George W Bush.
I’ll bet most readers are not able to differentiate the authors of the following quotes:
• “They have miscalculated me as their leader”
• “…we just can’t stop people from being homeless if that’s their choice…”
• “You only have to go back to read the Church report in the 1970s and read the reports to US Congress which sets up the Rockefeller Foundation as a conduit of CIA funding,”
• ''I know that it's not possible that this child could be mine.''
5. Tony Abbott is the brainchild of a Silicon Valley start-up in the field of advanced robotics.
In this scenario Tony Abbott has suffered a fate similar to the ‘Stepford Wives’. He was hijacked when he was last in the US by a budding young robotics scientist from Stanford University.
This young entrepreneur figured that the quintessential promotional strategy of his new advanced humanoid start-up was to have one of his robots become the Prime Minister of Australia.
Some of you may think this is a bit way out but it would explain Abbott’s capacity for athletic endeavours and his decidedly awkward-looking gait.
It might also explain why he appeared to have a brain-fade in that interview with Mark Riley where he could not speak for what seemed like an eternity. It was probably a short-circuit or battery problem.
What this young entrepreneur plans to do next is a mystery.
But the rumour-mill is suggesting that Christopher Pyne is also part of the venture and is being groomed for a slightly different market segment.
6. Tony Abbott is actually an eccentric amateur physicist who has taken it upon himself to educate us about the existence of parallel universes and quantum physics.
We have known for some time about parallel universes. And the proposition in quantum physics that a particle can be in 2 places at once is mind-boggling to mere mortals and blowflies.
But it is possible that in another universe there is a Tony Abbott and he has chosen another pathway or response to the hung parliament.
The other Tony Abbott decided that the hung parliament was an opportunity to govern from Opposition. He was extremely creative and was able to garner the support of the Independents to push through a range of legislation that he believed were crucial for his government after the next election in 2013 where he was elected without much difficulty.
In the parallel universe the other Tony Abbott found he could be quite civil to the Prime Minister and had no need to be offensive towards her at all.
Now if this scenario is plausible many of you will want to be in that parallel universe.
But before you get too excited please be aware that in that parallel universe there will be no Julia Gillard-misogyny speech because Tony Abbott was behaving as a gentleman should behave and he and the PM were still flirting a little as they used to in the old days.
7. Tony Abbott is actually on the payroll of the Union movement with a mission to ensure that the ALP is re-elected in 2013.
This scenario exploits the tension that is within the ALP regarding Malcolm Turnbull resuming the leadership of the Liberal Party. Unfortunately for the ALP if Malcolm does gain the leadership they will have no choice but to return the Kevin Rudd as their leader.
This would be a fate worse than death.
Many of them would vomit at this prospect and it would make the next parliament unbearable. Kevin would know no bounds and would simply run amuck because there would be absolutely no way, after all the furore last time, that the ALP would have the courage to remove an elected Prime Minister.
So the Union-up-and-coming Paul Howes suggested some time ago that the best chance the ALP had of winning the next election was to keep Tony Abbott there.
He dug deep into the slush funds that abound in that quarter and was able to find a simple way of black-mailing Abbott and greasing the way for his alignment with this course of action.
Tony, of course, was interested because he was quite insecure. As leaders of the Liberal Party before him have experienced you can never be quite sure whether you have Rupert’s support. So a man needs a little security to pay off his big mortgage and pay for his daughter’s weddings.
8. Tony Abbott is a paid puppet of Malcolm Turnbull
This scenario starts with the proposition that Malcolm Turnbull is the true leader of the Liberal Party both financially and spiritually. And he can afford to pay Abbott what he demands. Behaving as the most obvious bastard presently in Australian politics does not come cheap.
Malcolm is much too clever to get involved in smear campaigns after the failures of the ‘Godwin Grech affair’ and Kevin Rudd’s ‘utegate’.
Initially prepared to sell his arse to become PM and then to build a hospital in Andrew Wilkie’s seat at a cost of $1 billion, Abbott has the sort of mongrel in him that Malcolm despises ---and yet lacks!
He has entered into an arrangement with Abbott to run the ball up to the Government in the most offensive fashion possible and then as the 2013 election is called Turnbull will take over. Abbott will be appointed as Ambassador to the Holy See and spend his remaining life confessing his sins and hypocrisy at the highest possible level.
Turnbull is quite comfortable that Abbott will honour the arrangement because both Christopher Pyne and Julie Bishop witnessed it and they are sharing in the bootie.
9. Tony Abbott secretly has lusted for Germaine Greer from the moment he saw her raunchy nude photo and wants to stimulate sales for her reprint of ‘The Female Eunuch’ to curry favour with her
The Blowfly knows that no illusion can be fully credible without a bit of sex. And while it really stretched his minute brain to find a sexual angle the effort was worth it.
It works like this.
Tony saw the photo several years ago. He became quite besotted. He tried to meet with her several times but she refused his advances because he was too old for her. She prefers much younger men.
So Tony set about overcoming her predilection and subsequently the ‘budgie-smugglers’ were born.
But even that has not worked.
So he decided to try out the ‘shock-treatment’ on her. He devised a plan!
The notion was that if he adopted misogynistic behaviour in respect to Australia’s first female Prime Minister then Germaine would certainly notice him and perhaps, just perhaps, join him in a quiet moment of intimacy in a confessional somewhere off the beaten track.
This has not really worked but when Tony heard that her signature book was to be reprinted he saw his opening.
If he could simply have the women of Australia devote more of their thinking to ‘what bastards men are’ and how ‘they are all under the thumb and deserve more’ then Germaine would be suitably pleased and that much-imagined- dalliance in the confessional would be nearer.
Tony did not figure on the PM’s misogyny speech going viral and that has really increased his internal tension and expectations.
The last time he felt this excited he had to punch a wall!
But rather than going a little more steady and playing the patience game he decided to up the ante.
That was why he called the PM a ‘criminal’ in parliament last week.
If anything gets Germaine’s attention before Christmas it will be that! Surely!
10. Tony Abbott is walking evidence that the Creator has a sense of humour
The Blowfly will admit to being interested in spiritual matters and just had to appease those from the ‘Mind Body Spirit’ brigade.
It was Einstein who left us with the quote
"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe."
That the Creator would seek to endow us with Tony Abbott, in The Blowfly's minute mind, is the most spectacular evidence that this universe, and our lives, are indeed not meant to be taken seriously
This topic is undoubtedly a work in progress because if we took this subject too seriously many of us would be prone to a panic attack.
So we should all take a little dose of Christmas cheer and hope with all our hearts that Australians will truly get what they deserve when the next election occurs in late 2013.