This Sunday morning The Blowfly is aloft the Prime Minister's ailing shoulders as he reads the weekend newspapers.
Of particular interest to him is Michelle Grattan's article in the Saturday paper.
Entitled "Who is the real Kevin Rudd?" the PM is goggled eyed as he absorbs the observations about himself. Grattan raises the question as to whatever happened to "Sunrise' Kevin,' the articulate, engaging frontbencher who sparred with Joe Hockey?'
He rests for a while. His eyes close. It has been a heavy week. There is lots to do with an election approaching. The Blowfly tunes into his tired brain to get a handle on his thoughts as they dribble through his grey matter.
"What did happen to 'Sunrise' Kevin?............it was so easy in those days.........I could spruik off without having to come up with the goods...........now it's just damned hard work.........I never knew how chaotic being in office could be..........God, it takes a lot to get public servants and Cabinet Ministers working as hard as they should.........anyone would think that they want to have lives of their own.........Why cant they be like I am?........(and at this point he breaks into a little song)....Perfect in every way! Oh whats the matter with ministers and public servants today?" You see him smile a wet Queensland smile. One that Anna Bligh would be proud of.
He opens his eyes and returns to his newspaper.
He focuses on the Western Australian Treasurer's quote about him. Troy Buswell makes the pertinent observation that if the Commonwealth Government cant manage a programme to put insulation batts into peoples houses they can hardly trust them to run a hospital system that looks after our kids and parents.
"Fucking Western Australians', he thinks to himself,"They're all so sanctimonious. Brian Burke was the same.........I thought Peter Garrett was going to be ok with those batts........but he stuffed that too........I hope he doesn't stuff our policy on whales and the Japanese.........Oh god! I'll bet he does......who am I going to put in to look after that..........what would John Howard do?........he owes me few favors after I got him a guernsey for that ICCC job..........no......... if I ring I probably would have to talk to Janette first and I know that she hates me for destroying her husband's political ambitions."
He closes his eyes again. 'Cloud cuckoo land' comes to him.
Into his mind comes his pre-election agenda and problems."The ETS.New standard curriculums.The Murray-Darling Basin problems. The global financial crisis. Obama's visit.Whaling.The Henry Report............zzzzzzzzzz............who are we going to get to manage these issues?.........zzzzzzzzzz................."
And suddenly..................
He ponders the National Broadband Network and the takeover of the nation's hospital system together.At the same time. Simultaneously!
At that point his brain explodes.Grey matter everywhere. Queensland neurons all over the place.
It was simply too much for a mere mortal from the Labor side of politics to deal with.
All you can now hear are the voices of Mel and Kochie making soothing noises about appearing on 'Sunrise' again.
You conclude that you should find another shoulder to perch upon.
"Where is the office that big, tall bastard from Midnight Oil? If he is a 'first class minister' he might be worth a visit!"
Monday, March 08, 2010
Monday, February 22, 2010
The Week of Near Misses: for Peter Garrett and Tony Abbott.
The Blowfly is of the that this week might well be referred to as 'The Week of Near Misses'.
Firstly we had Tony Abbott's near miss. He nearly met a nasty end at the hands of a semi-trailer near Colac in Victoria.The Blowfly wonders whether the Liberal Party would've been able to cope should the incident have been lethal.
Then , in Victoria, taxpayers had a near miss when the Brumby Government, first proposed and then dropped a 'bin tax'.The adage of 'Victorian by name, Victorian by nature' was set to manifest again.The Blowfly, predictably, is against any tax which may reduce the number of bins.But he would favor an 'open-bin' policy.The interesting aspect of this is the they dumped it after a taxpayer-funded survey indicated the unwillingness of taxpayers to support it. Is John Brumby likely to be developing more policy options by surveying taxpayers?What a novel approach to policy development? Asking taxpayers what they think!
The Blowfly acknowledges that not all near misses have negative connotations.
Catholics rejoiced at the announcement that Mary McKillop would be made a saint. For The Blowfly this was a near miss because it could've gone either way. The relationship between the prayers of a lay-person and healing are so common place amongst non-Catholics that The Blowfly is staggered at this elevation.But for Catholics miracles are harder to come by.
Then we have the 23 year old Cooma girl who , raised as a devout Mormon and shunning pre-marital sex and alcohol, went for it and won a Gold Medal in the Winter Games in Vancouver for the women's snowboarding half-pipe event.It was a near miss because a split second or momentary falter could've left her abstinence totally unrewarded in gold medal terms.
But the award for the 'near miss of the week' goes to Peter Garrett.
The Blowfly was aloft Garrett's tall shoulder on his first day in Parliament. It was after all the best platform to see over the array of green seats.
On that auspicious occasion Peter whispered to Kevin Rudd, "So this is what the enemy looks like?"
The PM set him straight. "No , Peter, that is the Opposition. The enemy is behind us!"
And that is why Peter Garrett has had a near miss.Tony Abbott's attacks are not what he should fear. The unions will now fall in behind to protect their members from the 4-month gap in the insulation programme that will cause unemployment and much angst. This is an election year and his fellow Ministers will be very unforgiving no matter how many Green votes he brings.Peter may not remember that a "cabinet minister is someone who has climbed so high up the ladder of success that all that is visible is his arse". Unfortunately Peter's arse is exposed.
But Tony Abbott is running the ball up and getting all the credit for off-siding Garrett. He finds it exciting.It is for these very moments that he lives. It is for these very moments that he maintains his fitness by cycling , swimming and boxing. These activities produce testosterone.
And as long as you will tell no-one The Blowfly will share with you a conversation he heard between Tony Abbott and his deputy Joe Hockey in the Commonwealth car they shared to the airport on Friday.
Abbott was in a state of excitement regarding his volatile week. Missing death early on and then having Garrett 'on the ropes' at the end of the week. Not to mention all the favorable comments by the press gallery over the last few weeks.
"When I get home," Tony said to Joe, with a wink, "I'm going to rip my wife's knickers off".
Joe was stunned ! "I know you been quoted a lot about sex and virginity etc recently Tony, but I didn't know that you and your wife had a such a passionate relationship?"
"We don't" said Tony, "It's just that these damn things keep cutting into me and giving me wedgies!"
Hockey blinked and then filled the car with his guffaw. The Mad Monk kept a straight face. Joe's guffaw died down.
"Will we ever get to know the 'real Tony Abbott'", thought Joe?
Good question, thought The Blowfly. Good question!
Firstly we had Tony Abbott's near miss. He nearly met a nasty end at the hands of a semi-trailer near Colac in Victoria.The Blowfly wonders whether the Liberal Party would've been able to cope should the incident have been lethal.
Then , in Victoria, taxpayers had a near miss when the Brumby Government, first proposed and then dropped a 'bin tax'.The adage of 'Victorian by name, Victorian by nature' was set to manifest again.The Blowfly, predictably, is against any tax which may reduce the number of bins.But he would favor an 'open-bin' policy.The interesting aspect of this is the they dumped it after a taxpayer-funded survey indicated the unwillingness of taxpayers to support it. Is John Brumby likely to be developing more policy options by surveying taxpayers?What a novel approach to policy development? Asking taxpayers what they think!
The Blowfly acknowledges that not all near misses have negative connotations.
Catholics rejoiced at the announcement that Mary McKillop would be made a saint. For The Blowfly this was a near miss because it could've gone either way. The relationship between the prayers of a lay-person and healing are so common place amongst non-Catholics that The Blowfly is staggered at this elevation.But for Catholics miracles are harder to come by.
Then we have the 23 year old Cooma girl who , raised as a devout Mormon and shunning pre-marital sex and alcohol, went for it and won a Gold Medal in the Winter Games in Vancouver for the women's snowboarding half-pipe event.It was a near miss because a split second or momentary falter could've left her abstinence totally unrewarded in gold medal terms.
But the award for the 'near miss of the week' goes to Peter Garrett.
The Blowfly was aloft Garrett's tall shoulder on his first day in Parliament. It was after all the best platform to see over the array of green seats.
On that auspicious occasion Peter whispered to Kevin Rudd, "So this is what the enemy looks like?"
The PM set him straight. "No , Peter, that is the Opposition. The enemy is behind us!"
And that is why Peter Garrett has had a near miss.Tony Abbott's attacks are not what he should fear. The unions will now fall in behind to protect their members from the 4-month gap in the insulation programme that will cause unemployment and much angst. This is an election year and his fellow Ministers will be very unforgiving no matter how many Green votes he brings.Peter may not remember that a "cabinet minister is someone who has climbed so high up the ladder of success that all that is visible is his arse". Unfortunately Peter's arse is exposed.
But Tony Abbott is running the ball up and getting all the credit for off-siding Garrett. He finds it exciting.It is for these very moments that he lives. It is for these very moments that he maintains his fitness by cycling , swimming and boxing. These activities produce testosterone.
And as long as you will tell no-one The Blowfly will share with you a conversation he heard between Tony Abbott and his deputy Joe Hockey in the Commonwealth car they shared to the airport on Friday.
Abbott was in a state of excitement regarding his volatile week. Missing death early on and then having Garrett 'on the ropes' at the end of the week. Not to mention all the favorable comments by the press gallery over the last few weeks.
"When I get home," Tony said to Joe, with a wink, "I'm going to rip my wife's knickers off".
Joe was stunned ! "I know you been quoted a lot about sex and virginity etc recently Tony, but I didn't know that you and your wife had a such a passionate relationship?"
"We don't" said Tony, "It's just that these damn things keep cutting into me and giving me wedgies!"
Hockey blinked and then filled the car with his guffaw. The Mad Monk kept a straight face. Joe's guffaw died down.
"Will we ever get to know the 'real Tony Abbott'", thought Joe?
Good question, thought The Blowfly. Good question!
Monday, February 15, 2010
Behind every clever PM is a sharper woman.
This week The Blowfly has found himself back in the realms of the seat of real power------The Lodge--------and the home of Therese Rein and her husband, Kevin07, KRudd or Kevvie ----as she adoringly calls him !
It hadn't been a good week for Kevvie because he had taken a hiding in the Parliament from the new Opposition leader, Tony Abbott.And also it appears that the populace are starting to wonder whether his promise to fix the health system was one of those Bob Hawke classics like 'no Australian child will be living in poverty'.
Also Peter Garrett had let Kevvie down by appearing to be a little vulnerable over the insulation affair where young workers have lost their lives.
But Therese was on top of the world!
She had shown Joanna Griggs from Channel 7 around The Lodge showing off not only her lovely garden but also her new slimmer figure.
It is obvious that she is feeling pretty good about herself but this is at a time when Kevvie has some doubts about himself coming up to the election later this year. His 19 marginal seats are weighing heavily on his mind and he is not quite his loving self.
The Blowfly has always been a not-so-secret Therese fan.
He thinks that Therese is really where the KRudd persona emanates from. And this week he simply had his position reinforced.
Kevvie was sitting in his study at The Lodge reading The Australian and mentally preparing his next boringly , shitful essay to impress the voters about his intellectual prowess.
Therese literally sprang into the room sporting a huge smile and giving him a lovely peck on the cheek.
"You're in a good mood, darling", said Kevvie, "Why are you so happy?"
"Well ", she said, " I've just come back from my annual physical check-up and pap smear etc and the doctor says that I have the breasts of a 30 year old woman". Her eyes glistened with pride.
The Blowfly could see Kevvie's mind working. Shaped by the events of the week he boldly replied.
"Did the doctor say anything about your 52 year old arse?"
Therese stopped dead in her tracks, but without blinking, replied: " No, your name was not mentioned"
The Blowfly choked and found himself totally decomposed. The last time he had found himself floating through space laughing from his wings to his smelly feet was when Anita Keating told Paul that he was 'a little too over-bearing' for her.
But that is the lot of a politician! Captive to his wife's personality.
The Blowfly recalls the famous quip of Sir Robert Menzies to sugar growers in Bundaberg in 1953.
He told them that when people met his wife they thought rather better of him."With a wife like that', they think, "he can't be as bad as we thought."
And so it is with Kevvie!
It hadn't been a good week for Kevvie because he had taken a hiding in the Parliament from the new Opposition leader, Tony Abbott.And also it appears that the populace are starting to wonder whether his promise to fix the health system was one of those Bob Hawke classics like 'no Australian child will be living in poverty'.
Also Peter Garrett had let Kevvie down by appearing to be a little vulnerable over the insulation affair where young workers have lost their lives.
But Therese was on top of the world!
She had shown Joanna Griggs from Channel 7 around The Lodge showing off not only her lovely garden but also her new slimmer figure.
It is obvious that she is feeling pretty good about herself but this is at a time when Kevvie has some doubts about himself coming up to the election later this year. His 19 marginal seats are weighing heavily on his mind and he is not quite his loving self.
The Blowfly has always been a not-so-secret Therese fan.
He thinks that Therese is really where the KRudd persona emanates from. And this week he simply had his position reinforced.
Kevvie was sitting in his study at The Lodge reading The Australian and mentally preparing his next boringly , shitful essay to impress the voters about his intellectual prowess.
Therese literally sprang into the room sporting a huge smile and giving him a lovely peck on the cheek.
"You're in a good mood, darling", said Kevvie, "Why are you so happy?"
"Well ", she said, " I've just come back from my annual physical check-up and pap smear etc and the doctor says that I have the breasts of a 30 year old woman". Her eyes glistened with pride.
The Blowfly could see Kevvie's mind working. Shaped by the events of the week he boldly replied.
"Did the doctor say anything about your 52 year old arse?"
Therese stopped dead in her tracks, but without blinking, replied: " No, your name was not mentioned"
The Blowfly choked and found himself totally decomposed. The last time he had found himself floating through space laughing from his wings to his smelly feet was when Anita Keating told Paul that he was 'a little too over-bearing' for her.
But that is the lot of a politician! Captive to his wife's personality.
The Blowfly recalls the famous quip of Sir Robert Menzies to sugar growers in Bundaberg in 1953.
He told them that when people met his wife they thought rather better of him."With a wife like that', they think, "he can't be as bad as we thought."
And so it is with Kevvie!
Monday, February 08, 2010
Julia Gillard wishes she had concentrated more on school toilets than literacy and numeracy
The Blowfly cant help but think that all the reaction to the My School website is but a ‘storm in a shit-bucket’.( He realises that the normal turn-of-phrase is ‘storm in a tea-cup’ but when you are a blowfly you have been more used to a ‘shit-bucket’ than a ‘tea-cup’)
He finds himself this Sunday morning adorning the shoulder of the Deputy PM and Minister for Education, Minister for Employment and Workplace Relations and Minister for Social Inclusion.
It’s quite a treat to have a little perfume around and much preferable to the rather tawdry odour of those testosterone-laden men he’s been haunting lately.
Julia is engaged in her favourite Saturday pastime of reading ‘The Age’. She first got into the habit while she was working for Slater And Gordon during the late 80’s. She used to scan the pages looking for causes she could wheel up to the partners for commercial advancement.
Now she is firmly engrossed in John Marsden’s article about the My School website.
She is all rather serene until she comes to the bit where Marsden suggests that parents need to be a little more subtle and, perhaps even devious, when assessing a school’s suitability for the bearers of their genes.
When Marsden suggested that a quick foray into the toilets to see how clean they were and then a subtle visit to , or standing outside, the staff room during morning tea or lunch to get a feel for the happiness of the teachers.
Her eyes roll back in her head!
“Shit”, she thinks to herself, “why didn’t I think of that ? …………….Those bloody boffins of mine told me that parents were only interested in hard facts…………..but Marsden is right!..............Toilets and staffrooms……………Shit! Shit! Shit!...............it cost a fortune to construct that site and get the data onto it………I can barely understand it myself…..………..and I have an Arts/Law degree………………and then there’s the issue of selective schools which I completely overlooked………….we didn’t factor that in………….of course they are going to perform better…………..we have selected the better students to attend them………….oh dearie me this life is a bitch!”
She ponders her lot in life for a moment.
Then she moves onto the story regarding the 6 youths who have been sacked from their after-school jobs at a Victorian hardware store because the Fair work Act wont let them work less than 3 hours per day.
“Jesus H Christ!” she thinks. “ How do I defend this ?............. Don’t tell me my boffins have let me down again………….I didn’t know this was going to happen…..these kids will be voting at the next election……….shit!..............it’s this year……….God, I hope Kevin can come up with a line to diffuse this…………..those 19 marginal seats could be affected……..I wish I could work an hour and a half each day…………………That would be heaven………..instead of these damn hours that Kevin expects us to keep……………oh God!”
“So many difficulties and so many contradictions…………… I was probably a bit hard on my parliamentary-luvver-boy last week ! Poor old Tony Abbott......................here we are trying to get parents to take their role more seriously and then I go out and ridicule the ex-priest about valuing virginity………..we should be honouring those who keep their virginity and abstain………….maybe rates of sexually transmitted diseases would decline…………and maybe if there was more monogamy the society would be better off……………..how do I overcome my guilt at sticking the knife into the ex-priest?...........................................zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz”.
It is simply too much for her poor darling red-headed brain to absorb. She receives a visit from the Sandman. And I might add that The Blowfly was none too excited by the thoughts of the afternoon. He nods off as well.
Sometimes being in power is so bloody boring. All that keeps one excited is a new hair-style!
She recalls the words of ANOP’s final brief to Bob Hawke before the 1990 election campaign as quoted by Paul Kelly in his book ‘The End Of Certainty’------“The swinging voter mood is disillusioned, despondent and cynical. Many would genuinely like a change of government but some are not changing their vote because they lack confidence in the Opposition”
He finds himself this Sunday morning adorning the shoulder of the Deputy PM and Minister for Education, Minister for Employment and Workplace Relations and Minister for Social Inclusion.
It’s quite a treat to have a little perfume around and much preferable to the rather tawdry odour of those testosterone-laden men he’s been haunting lately.
Julia is engaged in her favourite Saturday pastime of reading ‘The Age’. She first got into the habit while she was working for Slater And Gordon during the late 80’s. She used to scan the pages looking for causes she could wheel up to the partners for commercial advancement.
Now she is firmly engrossed in John Marsden’s article about the My School website.
She is all rather serene until she comes to the bit where Marsden suggests that parents need to be a little more subtle and, perhaps even devious, when assessing a school’s suitability for the bearers of their genes.
When Marsden suggested that a quick foray into the toilets to see how clean they were and then a subtle visit to , or standing outside, the staff room during morning tea or lunch to get a feel for the happiness of the teachers.
Her eyes roll back in her head!
“Shit”, she thinks to herself, “why didn’t I think of that ? …………….Those bloody boffins of mine told me that parents were only interested in hard facts…………..but Marsden is right!..............Toilets and staffrooms……………Shit! Shit! Shit!...............it cost a fortune to construct that site and get the data onto it………I can barely understand it myself…..………..and I have an Arts/Law degree………………and then there’s the issue of selective schools which I completely overlooked………….we didn’t factor that in………….of course they are going to perform better…………..we have selected the better students to attend them………….oh dearie me this life is a bitch!”
She ponders her lot in life for a moment.
Then she moves onto the story regarding the 6 youths who have been sacked from their after-school jobs at a Victorian hardware store because the Fair work Act wont let them work less than 3 hours per day.
“Jesus H Christ!” she thinks. “ How do I defend this ?............. Don’t tell me my boffins have let me down again………….I didn’t know this was going to happen…..these kids will be voting at the next election……….shit!..............it’s this year……….God, I hope Kevin can come up with a line to diffuse this…………..those 19 marginal seats could be affected……..I wish I could work an hour and a half each day…………………That would be heaven………..instead of these damn hours that Kevin expects us to keep……………oh God!”
“So many difficulties and so many contradictions…………… I was probably a bit hard on my parliamentary-luvver-boy last week ! Poor old Tony Abbott......................here we are trying to get parents to take their role more seriously and then I go out and ridicule the ex-priest about valuing virginity………..we should be honouring those who keep their virginity and abstain………….maybe rates of sexually transmitted diseases would decline…………and maybe if there was more monogamy the society would be better off……………..how do I overcome my guilt at sticking the knife into the ex-priest?...........................................zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz”.
It is simply too much for her poor darling red-headed brain to absorb. She receives a visit from the Sandman. And I might add that The Blowfly was none too excited by the thoughts of the afternoon. He nods off as well.
Sometimes being in power is so bloody boring. All that keeps one excited is a new hair-style!
She recalls the words of ANOP’s final brief to Bob Hawke before the 1990 election campaign as quoted by Paul Kelly in his book ‘The End Of Certainty’------“The swinging voter mood is disillusioned, despondent and cynical. Many would genuinely like a change of government but some are not changing their vote because they lack confidence in the Opposition”
Monday, February 01, 2010
Tony Abbott’s return to his ‘Liberal’ roots may well leave him rooted!
Some of you will not be aware that The Blowfly has a deeply spiritual side----for a small insect that is!
Often The Blowfly finds solace and peace and quiet by visiting a Cathedral and soaking up the stillness and coolness that it affords him in his moment of need.
This tendency for Cathedral-hopping recently brought him into meaningful contact with our new Opposition leader, Tony Abbott.
The Blowfly was enjoying a peaceful pew-sit and moment of reflection in St Mary’s Cathedral in Sydney when he felt a slight breeze ruffle his wings.
It was Tony Abbott who, after a stylish genu’flect and sign of the cross, positioned himself a couple of rows down. There were only the 2 of you in the Cathedral. You felt a special moment coming on and gently alighted from your pew to get your germy feet onto on his exquisite (for a man his age)shoulder.
Immediately you were able to read his thoughts, as you are with many Catholics. Their minds are generally more structured---- thanks to the nuns and priests who shaped their thinking so lovingl . Tony is never ‘backward in coming forward’ and it was the same with God. He began praying along the following lines:
“ Dear God, thank you for listening to me again today….. You have been an interminable source of support ever since I left the priesthood. …..St Patrick’s Seminary at Manly really wasn’t for me…… It was so close to the wonderful beach at Manly where all those beautiful girls in bikinis advertised their wares….. It was too tempting! …..My hormones were so active and, frankly, I just wanted to screw everything in sight…….Thank you for forgiving me and providing a grander plan for me…..A bloke with a hairy chest and who looks so good in budgie-smugglers would be wasted on the priesthood!”
“ I need your help sorting out some confusions in my poor little Catholic brain. Firstly I am now the Liberal leader…… What does being ‘liberal’ really mean?...the dictionary talks in terms of ‘open-minded’ and ‘generous’…….we are known as the conservative side of politics but our founder , Sir Robert Menzies said that ‘We chose the word 'Liberal' because we want to be a progressive party, in no way conservative, in no way reactionary.’”
“I will admit I felt pretty ‘liberal’ when I was at Sydney University and Oxford University and some of the women I dated were also quite ‘liberal’. But now my daughters are giving me a hiding about my ‘keeping your virginity’ comments last week. They say butt out ……but I just don’t want them to be as ‘liberal’ as I was……. I know things have changed since I was a lad and I have to move with the times but hell-----they are my daughters!...... I don’t want them to screw every young first grade rugby player and President of the SRC who says they are going off to Oxford to take up a Rhodes Scholarship.”
He stops thinking for a moment while he removes a grotesque wedgy that has emerged as he knelt to pray. As a mere male he is unable to do 2 things at once.
“And then there’s the policy issues God! We are supposed to be the LIBERAL PARTY…… Progressive……and according to our website ‘We believe in the inalienable rights and freedoms of all peoples; and we work towards a lean government that minimises interference in our daily lives; and maximises individual and private sector initiative’.”
“ Oh God what are we to do about sugar?......Yes , sugar!....the Chinese food giant , Bright Food Group wants to buy CSR’s sugar business. It’s good for them but I know in my bones that it will be bad for Australians. It’ll be just like the Vitamin C market! Years ago there were many producers of Vitamin C powder around the world supplying the Australian health food market. But now the Chinese monopolise that market and are forcing the prices up. How will our great party ever be able to reconcile itself to a policy on this issue?”
“Oh dearie me God, what are we to do? We are supposed to ‘believe in the inalienable rights and freedoms of all peoples’----including the Chinese I guess! And yet there is little doubt they’ll force the price of sugar up if they own CSR. It will cost more for Australians to be sweet”
“Please give me guidance God? Please help me to seem intelligent when the journalists ask these questions of me. Please help me to deal with these issues like Peter Costello would’ve done. Please help me to overcome my attraction to Julia Gillard. Please help me to lead the Liberal Party back into office. I await your insight. I will be patient, God!-----just as you have been with me!”
The Blowfly had not seen this side of Tony before and, frankly, you were a little surprised at the way he displayed his vulnerability to God. You sensed his wife had been in his ear about cultivating his ‘female side’.
The Blowfly recalled the famous quip by Sir Robert Menzies, the founder of the Liberal Party, when he first became Prime Minister. An opponent bailed him up and said ‘I take it that before choosing your Cabinet you will consult the powerful interests that control you?” Menzies replied, “Yes, but please keep my wife’s name out of this.”
As Tony left the Cathedral with The Blowfly on his shoulder you received his final thoughts about his dilemma. He was meditating on the definition of Leader provided by Paul Lyneham----“ A Leader is a person who commands the party’s total loyalty until 51% decide someone else can better guarantee their job security at the next election.”
“Maybe I should consult John and Janette Howard as well. I wonder if they are home today?”
The Blowfly’s eyes, as big as they are, roll backwards in his small head.Some things, you think, never change----even in the Liberal Party!
Often The Blowfly finds solace and peace and quiet by visiting a Cathedral and soaking up the stillness and coolness that it affords him in his moment of need.
This tendency for Cathedral-hopping recently brought him into meaningful contact with our new Opposition leader, Tony Abbott.
The Blowfly was enjoying a peaceful pew-sit and moment of reflection in St Mary’s Cathedral in Sydney when he felt a slight breeze ruffle his wings.
It was Tony Abbott who, after a stylish genu’flect and sign of the cross, positioned himself a couple of rows down. There were only the 2 of you in the Cathedral. You felt a special moment coming on and gently alighted from your pew to get your germy feet onto on his exquisite (for a man his age)shoulder.
Immediately you were able to read his thoughts, as you are with many Catholics. Their minds are generally more structured---- thanks to the nuns and priests who shaped their thinking so lovingl . Tony is never ‘backward in coming forward’ and it was the same with God. He began praying along the following lines:
“ Dear God, thank you for listening to me again today….. You have been an interminable source of support ever since I left the priesthood. …..St Patrick’s Seminary at Manly really wasn’t for me…… It was so close to the wonderful beach at Manly where all those beautiful girls in bikinis advertised their wares….. It was too tempting! …..My hormones were so active and, frankly, I just wanted to screw everything in sight…….Thank you for forgiving me and providing a grander plan for me…..A bloke with a hairy chest and who looks so good in budgie-smugglers would be wasted on the priesthood!”
“ I need your help sorting out some confusions in my poor little Catholic brain. Firstly I am now the Liberal leader…… What does being ‘liberal’ really mean?...the dictionary talks in terms of ‘open-minded’ and ‘generous’…….we are known as the conservative side of politics but our founder , Sir Robert Menzies said that ‘We chose the word 'Liberal' because we want to be a progressive party, in no way conservative, in no way reactionary.’”
“I will admit I felt pretty ‘liberal’ when I was at Sydney University and Oxford University and some of the women I dated were also quite ‘liberal’. But now my daughters are giving me a hiding about my ‘keeping your virginity’ comments last week. They say butt out ……but I just don’t want them to be as ‘liberal’ as I was……. I know things have changed since I was a lad and I have to move with the times but hell-----they are my daughters!...... I don’t want them to screw every young first grade rugby player and President of the SRC who says they are going off to Oxford to take up a Rhodes Scholarship.”
He stops thinking for a moment while he removes a grotesque wedgy that has emerged as he knelt to pray. As a mere male he is unable to do 2 things at once.
“And then there’s the policy issues God! We are supposed to be the LIBERAL PARTY…… Progressive……and according to our website ‘We believe in the inalienable rights and freedoms of all peoples; and we work towards a lean government that minimises interference in our daily lives; and maximises individual and private sector initiative’.”
“ Oh God what are we to do about sugar?......Yes , sugar!....the Chinese food giant , Bright Food Group wants to buy CSR’s sugar business. It’s good for them but I know in my bones that it will be bad for Australians. It’ll be just like the Vitamin C market! Years ago there were many producers of Vitamin C powder around the world supplying the Australian health food market. But now the Chinese monopolise that market and are forcing the prices up. How will our great party ever be able to reconcile itself to a policy on this issue?”
“Oh dearie me God, what are we to do? We are supposed to ‘believe in the inalienable rights and freedoms of all peoples’----including the Chinese I guess! And yet there is little doubt they’ll force the price of sugar up if they own CSR. It will cost more for Australians to be sweet”
“Please give me guidance God? Please help me to seem intelligent when the journalists ask these questions of me. Please help me to deal with these issues like Peter Costello would’ve done. Please help me to overcome my attraction to Julia Gillard. Please help me to lead the Liberal Party back into office. I await your insight. I will be patient, God!-----just as you have been with me!”
The Blowfly had not seen this side of Tony before and, frankly, you were a little surprised at the way he displayed his vulnerability to God. You sensed his wife had been in his ear about cultivating his ‘female side’.
The Blowfly recalled the famous quip by Sir Robert Menzies, the founder of the Liberal Party, when he first became Prime Minister. An opponent bailed him up and said ‘I take it that before choosing your Cabinet you will consult the powerful interests that control you?” Menzies replied, “Yes, but please keep my wife’s name out of this.”
As Tony left the Cathedral with The Blowfly on his shoulder you received his final thoughts about his dilemma. He was meditating on the definition of Leader provided by Paul Lyneham----“ A Leader is a person who commands the party’s total loyalty until 51% decide someone else can better guarantee their job security at the next election.”
“Maybe I should consult John and Janette Howard as well. I wonder if they are home today?”
The Blowfly’s eyes, as big as they are, roll backwards in his small head.Some things, you think, never change----even in the Liberal Party!
Monday, January 25, 2010
How KRudd came to focus on productivity for his Australia Day speeches
Australia Day is as close as we are going to get to a national day of religious observance based on our country’s so-called values.
We see it as traditional to gather around a barbecue (a meal is associated with other religious observances eg Thanksgiving by the Pilgrim Fathers) and to swat flies away (which is a gesture similar to the genuflect and sign of the cross over one’s forehead--- practiced by Catholics).
It is not surprising therefore that The Blowfly should divulge to you an experience he had during the week whilst sitting on the shoulder of KRudd, our Prime Minister.
It happened during the course of a post-lunch snooze in his ante-room when he had been putting together the essence of his main Australia Day speech.
KRudd was readying himself for a slight repose after a morning of heavy cranial activity. His advisors had been telling him that Australians wanted to hear about the ‘deep-shit effect’ of the ageing population. By 2050,when most of us who can think about these things will be dead, they were arguing that there would not be enough taxpayers to support the elderly in ‘the manner to which they had not been alerted to’ by Peter Costello in his previous Intergenerational Report.
They argued that he had to urge Australians to improve their productivity in order to avoid an economic abyss.
But to give KRudd his dues he was not convinced. He had something a little more motivational and inspiring in his mind but he could not quite put his little pinkie on it.
As he positioned his head softly in his comfortable chair he channelled his highly elaborate line of thought into The Blowfly’s huge brain. It went like this.
“ Golly gee gosh! There is so much to put in this speech…………I’ll bet Tony Abbott plays the race card in his speech and incurs the wrath of the press………..I don’t want to be like him, budgie-smugglers or no budgie-smugglers………..so much has happened this week……………Prince William was here but Australians don’t really want to hear about the Republic or our plans to cut him out of a cushy job………..Obama went all soft and admitted the job had nearly got on top of him and he’d not listened enough to the people………….I reckon it’s too early to start listening to people………and besides that I listen to Therese…………and someone picked up on John Howard possibly taking that job as the Chairman of the International Cricket Council…….Jesus ,I hope nobody finds out it was me that organised that………….and the bloody Indians are talking about banning our cricketers from the IPL cricket matches because of the attacks here on their students………….what bloody wankers……what about all the attacks on Australians in India?.........................how will anyone be able to win without Andrew Symonds and Ricky Ponting in their teams………….maybe I could warn Australians about the hits they will have to take when the Henry Review of the tax system is released?............no ,not on Australia Day!...............maybe I could talk about the emissions trading scheme and how we got done over at Copenhagen but we are going to push on………hmmmmmm ……….zzzzzzzzz........but probably not until I work out how to deal with our coal industry………….I just cant find a way of getting around their argument………if we tax them and they produce less ,then other international coal exporters will just take up their sales--------- and global emissions wont be reduced at all-----just our sales----and Australian jobs will be reduced as well………..Jesus H Christ how am I going to solve that one? …………..maybe I could make another promise to stop whaling………..or to reform the health system………………….maybe I could talk about the Australian Open and tennis…….bring Rod Laver and Ken Rosewall into it somehow!................Australians like hearing about their successful sportsmen and women…………….zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…………..maybe I should talk in Mandarin and make sure it’s beamed into China…………zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz……….or Paris…………..Paris Hilton…………..zzzzzzzzzzz………..not a bad sort……….zzzzzzz………Peter Singer and his beef tax……………….zzzzzzzzz………..(snort, snort)………..productivity……..that’s what I’ll talk about……..we need to work smarter, not harder…………..especially me……… no more 5.30 am meetings………..yes don’t do as I do, do as I say…………just as our teachers used to do at Nambour State High School where I was Dux…………..geeez I was clever then………………(waking up fully)”
Now alert, he calls his minder to fetch the speech-writer so he can instruct him to talk about productivity in his Australia Day speech to the nation.
And that my friends caused The Blowfly to recall the much quoted statement by a White House aide who quipped “We have done the PR. Now we’ve got to try to devise the strategy”
The Blowfly’s small brain is not able to see how productivity can be improved without the Government providing the right policy framework , economic signals and infrastructure.
If you think that KRudd has a clue about this topic then may I ask that you please enlighten The Blowfly.
We see it as traditional to gather around a barbecue (a meal is associated with other religious observances eg Thanksgiving by the Pilgrim Fathers) and to swat flies away (which is a gesture similar to the genuflect and sign of the cross over one’s forehead--- practiced by Catholics).
It is not surprising therefore that The Blowfly should divulge to you an experience he had during the week whilst sitting on the shoulder of KRudd, our Prime Minister.
It happened during the course of a post-lunch snooze in his ante-room when he had been putting together the essence of his main Australia Day speech.
KRudd was readying himself for a slight repose after a morning of heavy cranial activity. His advisors had been telling him that Australians wanted to hear about the ‘deep-shit effect’ of the ageing population. By 2050,when most of us who can think about these things will be dead, they were arguing that there would not be enough taxpayers to support the elderly in ‘the manner to which they had not been alerted to’ by Peter Costello in his previous Intergenerational Report.
They argued that he had to urge Australians to improve their productivity in order to avoid an economic abyss.
But to give KRudd his dues he was not convinced. He had something a little more motivational and inspiring in his mind but he could not quite put his little pinkie on it.
As he positioned his head softly in his comfortable chair he channelled his highly elaborate line of thought into The Blowfly’s huge brain. It went like this.
“ Golly gee gosh! There is so much to put in this speech…………I’ll bet Tony Abbott plays the race card in his speech and incurs the wrath of the press………..I don’t want to be like him, budgie-smugglers or no budgie-smugglers………..so much has happened this week……………Prince William was here but Australians don’t really want to hear about the Republic or our plans to cut him out of a cushy job………..Obama went all soft and admitted the job had nearly got on top of him and he’d not listened enough to the people………….I reckon it’s too early to start listening to people………and besides that I listen to Therese…………and someone picked up on John Howard possibly taking that job as the Chairman of the International Cricket Council…….Jesus ,I hope nobody finds out it was me that organised that………….and the bloody Indians are talking about banning our cricketers from the IPL cricket matches because of the attacks here on their students………….what bloody wankers……what about all the attacks on Australians in India?.........................how will anyone be able to win without Andrew Symonds and Ricky Ponting in their teams………….maybe I could warn Australians about the hits they will have to take when the Henry Review of the tax system is released?............no ,not on Australia Day!...............maybe I could talk about the emissions trading scheme and how we got done over at Copenhagen but we are going to push on………hmmmmmm ……….zzzzzzzzz........but probably not until I work out how to deal with our coal industry………….I just cant find a way of getting around their argument………if we tax them and they produce less ,then other international coal exporters will just take up their sales--------- and global emissions wont be reduced at all-----just our sales----and Australian jobs will be reduced as well………..Jesus H Christ how am I going to solve that one? …………..maybe I could make another promise to stop whaling………..or to reform the health system………………….maybe I could talk about the Australian Open and tennis…….bring Rod Laver and Ken Rosewall into it somehow!................Australians like hearing about their successful sportsmen and women…………….zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…………..maybe I should talk in Mandarin and make sure it’s beamed into China…………zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz……….or Paris…………..Paris Hilton…………..zzzzzzzzzzz………..not a bad sort……….zzzzzzz………Peter Singer and his beef tax……………….zzzzzzzzz………..(snort, snort)………..productivity……..that’s what I’ll talk about……..we need to work smarter, not harder…………..especially me……… no more 5.30 am meetings………..yes don’t do as I do, do as I say…………just as our teachers used to do at Nambour State High School where I was Dux…………..geeez I was clever then………………(waking up fully)”
Now alert, he calls his minder to fetch the speech-writer so he can instruct him to talk about productivity in his Australia Day speech to the nation.
And that my friends caused The Blowfly to recall the much quoted statement by a White House aide who quipped “We have done the PR. Now we’ve got to try to devise the strategy”
The Blowfly’s small brain is not able to see how productivity can be improved without the Government providing the right policy framework , economic signals and infrastructure.
If you think that KRudd has a clue about this topic then may I ask that you please enlighten The Blowfly.
Monday, January 18, 2010
The Rise and the Rise of Kevin Rudd's Wife---She is Nobody's Poppet!
The lot of a Prime Minister’s wife is not an easy one.
It is extremely hard to please all of your husband’s constituency. It doesn’t matter how you play the game someone is going to criticise you.
Dame Pattie Menzies was ‘too much of a lady’. Dame Zara Holt was ‘too homely and yet too posh’. Sonia McMahon was ‘too glamorous’. Tammy Fraser was ‘too mundane’. Hazel Hawke was ‘too tolerant of her husband’. Anita Keating was ‘too smart’-----that’s why the first thing she did when Paul vacated was to get her life back and ‘leave the bastard’. We all sympathised with her! If Turnbull’s republic had’ve got up she would’ve been a walk-up start to being our first President based on her ‘ballsy’ effort in telling Paul Keating exactly what she thought of him---and confirming what the rest of us suspected about him!
And Janette Howard! Well she was far ‘too precious’ about her husband’s lot in life. Can you imagine sitting outside your husband’s door like a Sentinel vetting visitor’s and being involved in conversations with Ministers who had been asked to report back about his prospects of winning the next election? Most wives could not give a ‘rats’ about their husband hanging on in politics----they would prefer them to vacate and get on with their lives! But Janette had got used to Kirribilli House and the trappings and -------her kids had left home and she had nothing better to do!
So you will understand why The Blowfly has recently become more interested in Therese Rein, the poor, long-suffering wife and partner of one Kevvie Rudd--------our country’s supposed 'leader'.
Having penetrated the PM’s house before Christmas ,The Blowfly felt compelled to do a return visit early in the new year to understand more of her contribution to the PM's thinking----whatever there is of his thinking!
She can usually read his thoughts---as most wives can---but when he is aware of this he begins thinking in Mandarin to throw her off the scent of his brilliance.
So let me set the scene for you.
I am on Therese’s shoulder as she climbs a ladder in the PM’s study in their Brisbane home. It is a modest study roughly 3.7m by 3.7m and with a normal ceiling of about 2.1m.
In her hands she has a large Kellogg’s cornflakes box. In her mouth she has a sticky tape dispenser. Although The Blowfly is used to dizzy heights she is not. You are careful not to try any antics that might distract her lest her much-recently-reduced-voluptuosness falls from the ladder.
She gets to the top, rests the sticky tape dispenser on the top rung of the ladder, extracts two good 6 inch pieces of tape and places the Cornflakes box in the top left hand corner of the room against the ceiling. Deftly she places one piece of sticky tape under the box and affixes it to the wall. With the other piece of tape she attaches the box to the side wall. Several more pieces of tape later she has the box ‘going nowhere’.
But the Kellogg’s cornflakes box is now positioned firmly where it will attract the PM’s attention when next he sits at his desk.
Now she reaches into her bra and extracts a sewing pin and sticks it part-way into the box.
The Blowfly is fascinated with this escapade. He is puzzled yet full of admiration for her. It was no mean feat to position the cornflakes as she has.
She alights from the ladder, straightens herself and smiles one of the largest smiles you have ever seen from a PM’s wife. Mostly they have precious little to smile about! And there is also a severe twinkle in her eyes. You can see why Kevvie loves her.
As she admires her work you tune into her thoughts and catch something along the following lines. “That will make that little Mandarin-speaking, egocentric bastard think! And when he shares it with Penny ‘2 Wong’s don’t make a Wight’ it will be just one almighty hoot. I wish I’d be able to see her face. God, I’m brilliant! No wonder he married me. Not only am I sexy and wealthy---I am also smarter than him.”
You glance up at the cornflakes box with the pin impaled in it and wonder what-the-hell she is thinking about. Your minute little brain is unable to comprehend this woman's intentions----you after all are a male blowfly.
She retires from the study and goes about her normal household duties. But there is a definite jauntiness about her. You even sense that she is enjoying the ironing-----now that is a first! Most thinking men know that they are in trouble when their wife starts enjoying the ironing.
The Blowfly positions himself near the kitchen bin, feasting for most of the afternoon.
But as soon as you hear Kevvie's Commonwealth car in the driveway you re-position yourself on Therese Rein’s shoulder to enjoy the show that is about to unfold before your eyes.
In he walks be-spectacled and bearing the weight of Australia’s problems on his weedy shoulders. He goes straight to the study to throw his brief-case down---just like he used to do when he came home from school----most men never change! As he does you hear this almighty shriek as he exclaims in his new social media lingo “WTF?”-----which is the jargon exclamation from his Twittering!
From the study he emerges positively bemused by the new ornament adorning the area above his desk.
“Therese, what the hell is that thing in the corner of my study above my desk?”
“Darling,” she says impishly, “I thought you would never notice!”
“Darling, you know how, in our marriage to date, I have made all the money and you have the brains?”
His heads nods slowly, very slowly------ but surely!
“Well from now on we are going to reverse our roles. You are going to make the money and I will be the clever one!”
He nods again with his eyes rolling gently back in his head.
“I’ve been trying to get my head around all this climate change stuff you’ve been rubbing into me since the election. And yesterday I came across a Letter to the Editor from a guy who used to run the Munmorah Power Station near Newcastle.”
“Yeeeessss!”, Kevvie stammers knowing that he is on a hiding to nothing with this line .
“Let’s imagine that your study represents the atmosphere of our lovely planet. The carbon dioxide volume is presently about .038%---up from .034% about 50 years ago. That cornflakes box represents the same proportional volume of carbon dioxide in your study,” she continues with spiff and spunk.
“Did you see the pin sticking out of the box?” she questions.
It had eluded his ever-present ocular vigilance and he returns to the study to check it out. He nods upon his return.
“Well that constitutes the volume of carbon dioxide that would be achieved if Australia achieves a 20% reduction in it’s emissions.We only produce 1% of the world's total emissions.” She turns her back to turn the kettle off.
“So the only people who are going to benefit from achieving the emissions reduction target in Australia are the people operating the carbon trading schemes, the people receiving subsidies for solar energy installations and innovation and the tradesmen installing insulation. So you go to it! You see if you and Turnbull can get that emissions trading scheme up and running because, between you both ---and Goldman Sachs--- we should be able to work out a way of making a fortune out of it”. She smiles at him with an all-knowing smile that only a wife can give.
He looks at her in stunned silence.
Your antennae go up. His thoughtful response emerges. He thinks to himself.
“Bitch! Now I’ve got two to put up with! I don’t know who will be worse----Therese or Penny?”
Your research into Therese’s capacities as the PM’s wife has been richly rewarded. If Turnbull’s republic ever got up Therese would surely leapfrog over Anita Keating for President.
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