Monday, October 29, 2012

Oh God! What have you done to Australian politics?

The Blowfly, at the risk of seeming supercilious and irreverent, would like you to imagine that you are God.
A God with an extreme sense of humour!
A God with a sense of mischief!
A God with an enduring sense of the ridiculous!
One of your greatest joys is getting up the noses of the ‘true believers’.
You have been working for ages on the most delicious plot of your eternal life.
Hopefully it will prove to be the most intriguing and the funniest.
The foundation of this twisted joke on the ‘true believers’ is a simple ‘hung parliament’.
This little beast has allowed you , as God, to taunt both sides of politics in a delightfully obscene fashion.
Initially you  demonstrated how terribly painful and pathetic a devoted Catholic, totally consumed by his own disappointment, could be.
But lately it has provided the most wonderful insights into how women are viewed in politics and, for that matter, by our society.
Most people now know what the word ‘misogyny’ roughly means .In the pubs around Australia the term ‘misogynist bastard’ has become a term of endearment as men affected by alcohol stumble home to their dearly-beloveds in the evenings.
You have also been able to demonstrate the power of social media, a new invention of yours, in a most fascinating way.
Initially a media personality ,who thought he was clinging to your back as a self-pronounced Messiah, was brought to heel by the people. His large sense of self had been established as a highly successful Rugby Union coach who had moved onto speech writing and then onto the fantabulous world of ‘shock jocks’.
You were also able to make a slow talking red-headed female Prime Minister a YouTube hit when her verbal execution of a taunting Opposition Leader went viral.
Additionally you have created some wonderful tensions in the Parliament where the unashamed hypocrisy of politicians could be played out on a daily basis for all to see.
You have also been able to illustrate the true extent of the humanitarian natures of politicians on both sides. You sent asylum seekers by the boatload to goad them into doing anything but being humanitarian. In doing so you have boosted the economy of Nauru. This has been struggling ever since the supplies of bird-shit were depleted.
But you have also set up the most delicious potential confrontation with Indonesia by having the Opposition suggest that they will turn boats around.
You are particularly proud of the internal duelling and tensions you have created.
One strategy you employ is to pit Catholics against each other.
In the Coalition you have neatly organised a subtle, seemingly eternal sparring match. This is between an IT luddite and Jesuit-infected former monk who has a Cardinal as his proclaimed mentor and a wealthy, seemingly well-mannered, IT literate giant-killer who once took on Kerry Packer and won.
Presently you are seeking to develop a rather tantalising sub-plot involving the Catholic Church and paedophilia. You have engineered revelations that many priests have caused catastrophic mental harm to young men and the Church has been successful to date hiding these transgressions. There are now calls for a Royal Commission into this matter. But if the Coalition wins the next election you have created a potentially intriguing new drama wherein the Catholic Church will be resisting a Royal Commission and the Coalition will be led by a Catholic one way or another.
Another strategy you have employed is to develop a range of distractions.
One that you particularly enjoyed was positioning a well meaning, but forgettable, Liberal politician for the fall of his life. After he was elected Speaker, in a seemingly brilliant move by the Government, you then placed him at the mercy of a young gay staffer who seemed to have the knack of drawing out the worst in him. And by text as well so that Rupert Murdoch’s papers could publish them!
Recently you have taunted the ‘true believers’ with the opinion polls.
This is a great sport.
You manipulate these so that the true believers, deep in their hearts, begin to see that, although their party looks shot to smithereens, they still have hope.
But just as the red-head gets 10 points ahead in the popularity stakes you again dash their hopes.
A demoted leader who was once touted as the politician most likely to follow your son’s career as the Messiah is able to get one through the cracks with a book written by a former ABC journalist. Most ‘true believers’ thought that she was a ‘true believer’ and they are now doubly shaken to the core. You can hardly stop yourself laughing when you ponder that one.
As the next election looms you are contemplating your next moves.
Some of the vast panorama of options you are considering in order to entertain the voters and keep them from taking politics too seriously include the following:
·      The lady who had the privilege of having the Opposition Leader, in his student days, punch holes in the wall on both sides of her head is now suing a Liberal heavy for defamation. You are considering how you might translate this case into a full expose’ of the Opposition Leader’s student exploits and have many other women come forward to attest to his aggressive misogynist behaviour
·      Reveal that a secret meeting has taken place between Kevin Rudd and Bob Katter wherein they have discussed joining forces at the next election to throw a spanner in the works to both sides of politics in Queensland leading up to the next federal election.
·      Have Tony Windsor beaten handsomely by the former speaker of the NSW Parliament, Richard Torbay, for the seat of New England. Torbay then goes on to assume the leadership of the National Party from Warren Truss and he and Malcolm Turnbull lead our nation towards the new decade of prosperity in Asia.
·      Craig Thomson never gets to court because it is revealed that the brothel he is charged with having frequented is actually owned by Joe Hockey and was not declared on Hockey’s pecuniary interests statement. The powers-that-be conspire to get Joe off the hook. At about the same time Hockey is embroiled in a controversy about exam cheating at Sydney University. It turns out that Hockey had cheated in several key Economics exams. In your heart you know that many will not find this funny because it will explain much.
·      Early in the new year the PM announces that she is pregnant and the baby will be born just before the election. She confides that after nursing Penny Wong’s baby several times she started to feel ‘clucky’. This causes a major problem for Tony Abbott who knows that the populace will not tolerate him talking to an expectant mother in anything but respectful tones. It also provides her with the necessary ‘experience’ to frame a budget around some reduction in the middle class welfare, such as the baby bonus, that Howard handed out to win votes.
·      Mark Latham turns his very insightful pen to comedy and writes a very funny play that exposes the inside workings of the ALP. Set in the days when Rudd was the PM it shows the chaos that existed around him and the rich fabric that joins the union movement to the ALP. The play becomes a bigger hit than ‘Keating’ and Barry Humphries comes out of retirement to play Tony Abbott.
·      Angry Anderson gets to win his seat in the new Parliament and rather than give us a boring maiden speech he decides to sing it. In reply Peter Garrett modifies the original words of ‘Beds are Burning’ and sings back. This sets such a beguiling precedent that many other former singers announce that they will stand for Parliament. John Farnham would be the first cab out of the ranks, followed by Lee Kernaghan who says that he will stand against Barnaby Joyce, another entertainer.

I guess, if you were God, your imaginations could think of many more quite delicious scenarios that could be presented to the Australian people to stretch their senses of humour but this fun has to end somewhere.
And , in parting, The Blowfly needs to remind you of the words of George W Bush: 
It will take time to restore chaos and order”
More than 40 days and 40 nights The Blowfly suspects! Much more!

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