Oh God! What have you done to Australian politics?

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The Blowfly, at the risk of seeming supercilious and irreverent, would like you to imagine that you are God.

A God with an extreme sense of humour!

A God with a sense of mischief!

A God with an enduring sense of the ridiculous!

One of your greatest joys is getting up the noses of the ‘true believers’.

You have been working for ages on the most delicious plot of your eternal life.

Hopefully it will prove to be the most intriguing and the funniest.

The foundation of this twisted joke on the ‘true believers’ is a simple ‘hung parliament’.

This little beast has allowed you , as God, to taunt both sides of politics in a delightfully obscene fashion.

Initially you  demonstrated how terribly painful and pathetic a devoted Catholic, totally consumed by his own disappointment, could be.

But lately it has provided the most wonderful insights into how women are viewed in politics and, for that matter, by our society.

Most people now know what the word ‘misogyny’ roughly means .In the pubs around Australia the term ‘misogynist bastard’ has become a term of endearment as men affected by alcohol stumble home to their dearly-beloveds in the evenings.

You have also been able to demonstrate the power of social media, a new invention of yours, in a most fascinating way.

Initially a media personality ,who thought he was clinging to your back as a self-pronounced Messiah, was brought to heel by the people. His large sense of self had been established as a highly successful Rugby Union coach who had moved onto speech writing and then onto the fantabulous world of ‘shock jocks’.

You were also able to make a slow talking red-headed female Prime Minister a YouTube hit when her verbal execution of a taunting Opposition Leader went viral.

Additionally you have created some wonderful tensions in the Parliament where the unashamed hypocrisy of politicians could be played out on a daily basis for all to see.

You have also been able to illustrate the true extent of the humanitarian natures of politicians on both sides. You sent asylum seekers by the boatload to goad them into doing anything but being humanitarian. In doing so you have boosted the economy of Nauru. This has been struggling ever since the supplies of bird-shit were depleted.

But you have also set up the most delicious potential confrontation with Indonesia by having the Opposition suggest that they will turn boats around.

You are particularly proud of the internal duelling and tensions you have created.

One strategy you employ is to pit Catholics against each other.

In the Coalition you have neatly organised a subtle, seemingly eternal sparring match. This is between an IT luddite and Jesuit-infected former monk who has a Cardinal as his proclaimed mentor and a wealthy, seemingly well-mannered, IT literate giant-killer who once took on Kerry Packer and won.

Presently you are seeking to develop a rather tantalising sub-plot involving the Catholic Church and paedophilia. You have engineered revelations that many priests have caused catastrophic mental harm to young men and the Church has been successful to date hiding these transgressions. There are now calls for a Royal Commission into this matter. But if the Coalition wins the next election you have created a potentially intriguing new drama wherein the Catholic Church will be resisting a Royal Commission and the Coalition will be led by a Catholic one way or another.

Another strategy you have employed is to develop a range of distractions.

One that you particularly enjoyed was positioning a well meaning, but forgettable, Liberal politician for the fall of his life. After he was elected Speaker, in a seemingly brilliant move by the Government, you then placed him at the mercy of a young gay staffer who seemed to have the knack of drawing out the worst in him. And by text as well so that Rupert Murdoch’s papers could publish them!

Recently you have taunted the ‘true believers’ with the opinion polls.

This is a great sport.

You manipulate these so that the true believers, deep in their hearts, begin to see that, although their party looks shot to smithereens, they still have hope.

But just as the red-head gets 10 points ahead in the popularity stakes you again dash their hopes.

A demoted leader who was once touted as the politician most likely to follow your son’s career as the Messiah is able to get one through the cracks with a book written by a former ABC journalist. Most ‘true believers’ thought that she was a ‘true believer’ and they are now doubly shaken to the core. You can hardly stop yourself laughing when you ponder that one.

As the next election looms you are contemplating your next moves.

Some of the vast panorama of options you are considering in order to entertain the voters and keep them from taking politics too seriously include the following:

·      The lady who had the privilege of having the Opposition Leader, in his student days, punch holes in the wall on both sides of her head is now suing a Liberal heavy for defamation. You are considering how you might translate this case into a full expose’ of the Opposition Leader’s student exploits and have many other women come forward to attest to his aggressive misogynist behaviour

·      Reveal that a secret meeting has taken place between Kevin Rudd and Bob Katter wherein they have discussed joining forces at the next election to throw a spanner in the works to both sides of politics in Queensland leading up to the next federal election.

·      Have Tony Windsor beaten handsomely by the former speaker of the NSW Parliament, Richard Torbay, for the seat of New England. Torbay then goes on to assume the leadership of the National Party from Warren Truss and he and Malcolm Turnbull lead our nation towards the new decade of prosperity in Asia.

·      Craig Thomson never gets to court because it is revealed that the brothel he is charged with having frequented is actually owned by Joe Hockey and was not declared on Hockey’s pecuniary interests statement. The powers-that-be conspire to get Joe off the hook. At about the same time Hockey is embroiled in a controversy about exam cheating at Sydney University. It turns out that Hockey had cheated in several key Economics exams. In your heart you know that many will not find this funny because it will explain much.

·      Early in the new year the PM announces that she is pregnant and the baby will be born just before the election. She confides that after nursing Penny Wong’s baby several times she started to feel ‘clucky’. This causes a major problem for Tony Abbott who knows that the populace will not tolerate him talking to an expectant mother in anything but respectful tones. It also provides her with the necessary ‘experience’ to frame a budget around some reduction in the middle class welfare, such as the baby bonus, that Howard handed out to win votes.

·      Mark Latham turns his very insightful pen to comedy and writes a very funny play that exposes the inside workings of the ALP. Set in the days when Rudd was the PM it shows the chaos that existed around him and the rich fabric that joins the union movement to the ALP. The play becomes a bigger hit than ‘Keating’ and Barry Humphries comes out of retirement to play Tony Abbott.

·      Angry Anderson gets to win his seat in the new Parliament and rather than give us a boring maiden speech he decides to sing it. In reply Peter Garrett modifies the original words of ‘Beds are Burning’ and sings back. This sets such a beguiling precedent that many other former singers announce that they will stand for Parliament. John Farnham would be the first cab out of the ranks, followed by Lee Kernaghan who says that he will stand against Barnaby Joyce, another entertainer.

I guess, if you were God, your imaginations could think of many more quite delicious scenarios that could be presented to the Australian people to stretch their senses of humour but this fun has to end somewhere.

And , in parting, The Blowfly needs to remind you of the words of George W Bush: 

“It will take time to restore chaos and order”

More than 40 days and 40 nights The Blowfly suspects! Much more!

Barnaby Joyce: The Purveyor of a Fine Illusion

The Blowfly is continually amazed by the capacities of Queenslanders to create illusions.

Bob Katter has created the illusion that he is a saviour of the State and quite capable of preserving all the inherently beautiful things associated with a world where telephones were the most effective form of communication.

Kevin Rudd managed to fool the ALP and the Australian public into believing that he was the Messiah and could lead Queenslanders from the wilderness.

And not to forget Joh Bjelke-Petersen who was able to create the illusion that he knew best----until the brown paper bags and other minor corruptions turned up!

And now there is Barnaby Joyce!

Keen to obtain a seat in the lower house of Federal Parliament our Barnaby has managed to capture the debate about the sale of Cubbie Station and turn it into an election campaign for himself.

The illusion is that he cares about who owns this farming property and whether it would be in the national interest to sell to Chinese and Japanese interests.

The illusion is that he cares about the local community.

But that is the best part of the illusion!

The Blowfly loves rotting carcases. They are dead. The only activity is that of maggots. No sign of economic activity however!

And so it would be with Cubbie.

If it is left to rot then the employment it creates will be lost.

The purchasing in the local community of supplies will be lost.

And all the economic flow-on effects!

As well farmers have been told for yonks ‘to get big or get out’.

So Cubbie is big. Very big!

Too big for any Australian business to buy with a view to profit.

So Barnaby suggests it may be an option to break it up and make it smaller and less viable.

And this comes from an accountant!

And he says he knows best what is in the national interest.

Wrong!

Barnaby knows what is in his interests.

He knows that to portray himself of the saviour of rural Queensland will ensure that he gets the support he needs to enter the House of Representatives.

The Coalition is quite happy to see interests in non-renewable mining resources sold to overseas interests but not renewable resources like farms.

“Oh dearie me “, as my late grandmother used to say, how hypocritical.

And then we have the Liberal Party wimpering at the sight of Barnaby doing his thing.

Abbott disagreeing with Barnaby but not flagellating him.

Hockey flagellating him but not landing the knock-out punch!

The truth behind the illusion is that they want Barnaby in because he will ensure the Queensland vote.

The Coalition is not stupid.

They just look stupid.

Still another illusion?

The Coalition's economic Shadow

The Blowfly asks that you imagine a previous life.

You were a Roman emperor used to a life of gluttony, being eternally right and experiencing excess to the full.

The Universe has now invited you to be born again and, specifically, to learn humility.

You choose the life before you carefully.

The second of August 1965 seems like a nice day.

You are born of Armenian and Palestinian parents in North Sydney. You have 3 older siblings , attend St Aloysius College and the University of Sydney where you gain an Arts/Law degree. You become President of the SRC and then move into banking and finance before becoming the Director of Policy to the Premier of NSW before entering politics.

You choose politics because it will provide the greatest opportunity to learn humility.
Your first major opportunity comes when John Howard appoints you as a Minister and then you are appointed to Cabinet as the Minister for Employment and Workplace Relations.

You regularly sharpen your wits by appearing on Sunrise with Kochie and Mel and the new shining light of the ALP. He is tough going and while you can see right through him, many Australians can’t.

The ALP’s new messiah goes onto win the election and you start to learn humility----but not before you’ve learned about endurance and muscle pain by walking the Kokoda Trail and then Mt Kiliminjaro.

In due course your leader is Malcolm Turnbull. His style basically suits you. He is a big thinker and he encourages you to do like-wise.

Then shit happens. Tony Abbott becomes the new Opposition leader.

It is a two-edged sword for you. You are now the Shadow Treasurer. It is almost what you’ve always wanted. But you still don’t have the levers of power in your hands. You are now learning about patience----and, oh, economics!

Then Tony Abbott tells you that the only way an Opposition can behave is to disagree with the Government on every damned issue, say ‘No,No,No’ and talk a strong economy down.

You try to get into the swing of this strategy but you struggle and people start to question your economic knowledge. You learn even more humility.

The day comes when you make the most embarrassing gaffe of your career.

Wayne Swan has been named Euromoney magazine’s Finance Minister of the Year. You think he is a total tool. Anyone who comes from Queensland is a total tool---except Bob Katter of course! Oh----and Barnaby Joyce!

You ridicule Wayne Swan in Parliament by drawing attention to the fact that other recipients of this award were from Pakistan and Nigeria.

Unfortunately you have not done your homework.

The Pakistani executed a far-reaching program of economic reform which, for several years, made Pakistan second only to China in terms of economic robustness. Later he served as Prime Minister for 2 years.

The Nigerian negotiated a large debt write-off for her country, and subsequently served as managing director of the World Bank for 5 years, before serving as Finance Minister again.

Now you will understand why ‘being Joe Hockey’ really sucks!

The Blowfly suspects that if there are more opportunities to learn humility this Shadow Treasurer will somehow find them.

Where is the ALP's Fairy Godmother when she is needed?

Recently The Blowfly was able to pull himself out of a tight scrape and, given the circumstances, could only put it down to the intervention of his Fairy Godmother.

And it got him thinking. Everyone should have a Fairy Godmother!

The Australian Labor Party could do with one, especially.

Just imagine this for a moment or two.

You are a budding young Fairy Godmother. Your wand is brand new and has only really been used on basic ‘do-gooder’ assignments in class.

One morning you are called into the Fairy Godmother Superior’s office. Somehow you know she is up to mischief because of the strange ‘Whoopi Goldberg-type’ grin on her face. You are aware that she can hardly contain herself.

“As the Dux of the class of 2010 you are going to be allocated the most challenging assignment,” she commands.

Her smirking is starting to worry you.

”For some time I have been concerned that the Federal Labor Government is going to need some help if it is to survive the hung parliament. I’ve concluded that my brilliance would best be manifested by appointing you and your hardly-used-wand to the Australian Labor Party.” Somehow the smirk on her face seems to extend to the whole room.

You feel gutted. You had been hoping for Wills and Kate. Or maybe the Dalai Lama! Even perhaps Kylie. But the ALP! Talk about the pits. The words of Paul Keating come into your head: "I got the poisoned chalice, mate!”

You retreat to your special place of solitude to consider your assignment.

In your mind you start your assessment.

1. The Labor Party leader is a woman. This is usually a good sign that things are ship-shape. This is a tick.
2. She is an unmarried atheist. She has been invited to the Royal Wedding and has taken her fancy man with her. This is probably a 2-edged sword. No tick.
3. To govern, she is relying on support from a Party led by a gay doctor from Tasmania and Independents which include a cowboy from Queensland, an ex-Duntroon student possessed of a quaint fascination for Hitler, a garrulous aspiring Parliamentary Speaker from Port Macquarie and a ruddy-faced ex-farmer from Quirindi who says Barnaby Joyce is a fool. A mixed bag. Half a tick. Especially for the last Independent.
4. One of her Ministers has married the Governor-General’s daughter. This augurs well for there being no nasty surprises. If only Gough had had this advantage! A full tick.
5. The Government is trying to introduce a carbon tax. There is general acknowledgement that, globally, Australia’s efforts to reduce emissions will make no noticeable difference. However the opportunity to rearrange Australia’s commodity-dependent economy is too good to pass up. This is a tick.
6. A union leader Paul Howes says he will not support the carbon tax if there are jobs to be lost. This is reminiscent of John Robertson’s foray into the NSW electricity industry. The unions always seem so short-sighted about jobs. They save the jobs they have rather than create the jobs they need. A definite cross.

You pick up your magic wand and look despairingly at it.

You think to yourself: ”I have a sneaking suspicion I’m going to need a bigger wand.”

Australia needs to be in the hands of a woman presently

For The Blowfly this has been a very busy week.

Earthquakes in New Zealand, sexual discrimination cases in David Jones,Paul hogan being allowed out of the country without paying all our hard-earned taxes and ............ a new Government!And a new ministry!

Sometimes The Blowfly wishes he was blessed with a bigger brain so he could think more like a ........well, a politician!

There is one thing for certain..........there is no better time to see our country in the hands of a woman! Not a Julie Bishop sort of woman. But more a Western Bulldogs sort of woman.

Our Julia has a bit on her plate! In the vernacular ----"it could not happen to a better woman!"

That is because she has the right style of temperament.

Kevin Rudd was a bit precious. He thought himself a bit too much for The Blowfly's liking.

But Julia has the common touch!That's why she goes to the footy.

And she will need it dealing with all those testosterone-filled males around her.

And she can also laugh at herself in a natural sort of way.

And from what a Blowfly can glean by hanging around the garbage bins at Parliament House the mandarins who run our public service reckon she is not bad to deal with either.

She understands that, although the press and the the smaller minds in the Coalition have tried to tarnish her a someone who knifed her leader in the back, Bill Shorten did the country a big favor. He, being relatively new to Parliament could not abide Kevvie's style of management and 'leadership'.She was not afraid to advance him in the Cabinet rankings.

She knows that, although the focus group genius Mark Arbib was seen as the culprit for them almost losing government, it would've been worse had he not intervened.

And she knows the sentiments expressed by Victor Hugo when he said: "Great blunders are often made, like large ropes,of a multitude of fibres."

Those within the ALP who knew what was going on with Kevvie's pitiful leadership should've had more guts and raised the issues. And she has to share some of the blame for that too!But it is best to put it behind her and move on.

She also has a soft spot for the Independents. After-all it was their briefings at the hands of Treasury which alerted the voters, after the election, to the fact that the Coalition's financial numbers did not stack up.

And she will need to continue that soft spot for the Independents too because they will, at times, drive her mad. They have already set the agenda of a more consultative parliament.In order to get her policies through the Parliament 'our Julia' will need to be a little mother hen nurturing her chickens and keeping them safe from the big bad foxes that are out to get them.

And the 'big bad foxes' are everywhere!

Unhappy Liberals. Unhappy Nationals.Barnaby.Abbott. Bishop.Hockey.News Limited.And other members of the press who are happier writing about personalities and gossip rather than policies and analysis.

The populace will also come, during the course of this Parliament, to understand the roles that Independents do play, and can play, if they get the right circumstances. It will be an education for them.Don't be surprised if you see more Independents standing at the next election! Won't that make the National Party delightfully nervous?

And the Independents organised themselves pretty well! You do wonder whether Katter's support of the Coalition was just what regional Australia would've wanted of them. Three country boys taking on the 'city slickers' and the Nationals and manufacturing an answer that was 'beautifully ugly'. Katter played his part to a tee and the supporting actors would've been applauded in any amateur theatre production in Tamworth or Port Macquarie.

Not every politician will be able to adjust to the 'new paradigm'!

Already The Blowfly finds himself remarkably intolerant to the carping remarks of Abbott,Bishop, Hockey, Pyne, Robb,Joyce and Co about 'illegitimate governments' etc and KRudd's appointment as foreign minister.

The Blowfly wonders how soon they will be able to jettison their disappointment and start preparing an exciting, enticing policy platform for the next election. Because they have Government within their grasp----if only they can wrap their brains around that concept!

And the Coalition has a few genuine areas of difference that they could focus their efforts on.

Let's take the infamous internet filter!

This is going to become a real hot potato.

The internet is gradually becoming a major source of news for voters.

The present thrust by Stephen Conroy to filter the internet is seen by young voters as destructive to their freedoms and as censorship of the press.

In the words of a congressional candidate in the US (and with a bit of poetic license):"That [policy] deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and the [Coalition] are just the ones to do it."

The Blowfly has been rejuvenated by the events of the past week. The new scraps and refuse that are presently rotting away will provide material for a poor demented blowfly well into the future.

In the words of Dan Quayle:"The future will be better tomorrow"

In this election we might well be in a 'parallel universe'

Should any of you be budding physicists then this election will constitute overwhelming evidence that the concept of 'parallel universes' is a distinct possibility.

The Blowfly has long had the capacity to jump between these parallel universes and now finds that many politicians have the same ability. But most of them don't realise that it is happening.

After KRudd's victory in 2007 The Blowfly had, on the morning after the election, experienced an 'altered state' and , although initially was totally confused in his new universe, he settled into the swing of it. The 'altered state' emanated from eating some rotting mushroom sauce dripping from on an old, half-eaten steak he found in a bin outside a Canberra restaurant frequented by pollies.

The Blowfly awoke this particular morning in another universe---- and in the year 2012.

In this universe John Howard had resigned in late 2006 to give Peter Costello a 'heads-up' to become Prime Minister. Costello had performed well, as had his Treasurer Malcolm Turnbull.Although the ALP still tipped Beazley out in favor of Rudd and Gillard it was not enough for them to win the election.

A Costello/Turnbull government was returned with jubilation only to be confronted by the GLOBAL FINANCIAL CRISIS. They handled this rather well by pouring money into the economy. They developed an 'education revolution' and initiated a school building programme, developed a programme to insulate Australian houses and also gave Australians back some of their taxes to spend. The complaint from the Opposition was that the $900 didn't go far enough and many bogans spent it on plasma tv's and poker machines.Later on the insulation programme ran into difficulties when the Minister in charge, Barnaby Joyce, did not respond quickly enough to safety concerns.

KRudd, as the Opposition leader, criticised the Government for spending too much and burdening the country with crippling debt. But Australia fared rather well, in comparison to other countries, and started to prosper again well before the 2010 election.

KRudd and his deputy, Gillard found it difficult to get traction during the 2010 campaign because Costello and Turnbull, despite the lack of warmth between them, were able to convince the electorate that not only had they applied normal Keynesian economic strategy to the GFC but they had also sprung energetically from a better base due to the good economic management of the Howard/Costello years.The electorate was grateful, and Costello's good-humored style and open-mindedness (that Howard had lacked), meant a 'no-contest' election campaign in 2010.

Meanwhile back on the hustings Gillard had difficulty dealing with KRudd's abrasive style. He was a know-all to say the least and had an irritating habit of lecturing to those who would listen about his latest pet theory. After the election loss to Costello/Turnbull in 2010 KRudd was removed by heavies from the NSW Right who realised that although he was knowledgeable he was also a nerd who held a higher opinion of himself than they did.Gillard then became the first female Federal Opposition leader.

About this time The Blowfly sneezed and found himself back in the middle of the 2010 election campaign.The sudden move back to reality was a little challenging.

Just when the polls were showing that the ALP were up against it John Howard has returned to 'fight the good fight' (no doubt with Janette's blessing to "help that nice young boy,Tony, who looks up to you and who thinks like you,John").

The Blowfly thinks that this might be just the boost Labor needs!

Howard criticizing Australia's first female PM and acting as if he were a succession-planning genius who had handed the reins over in plenty of time for Costello to win the last election.Howard nor Abbott seem to realise that Howard's appearance will simply remind many voters why they voted for the ALP in 2007.

At a time when most of the media is focusing on Gillard's asking Rudd to be more involved in the campaign no one has given a thought to the Workchoices wounds, the 'Tampa' wounds and the "I'm not going to resign because my wife wont let me" wounds that 'little Johnny' will open up.

Howard unfortunately finds himself in this universe when it is obvious he should be in the other one.The Blowfly also knows that hypocrisy is found in both places.

The Blowfly is over-joyed that Latham has appeared from the other universe to label his nemesis, KRudd, as a 'serial leaker' (who would've believed it!) and to be the conscience of all ALP leaders going forward during his lifetime.Erratic as ever but with a striking ability to 'cut to the chase' Latham is both revered and despised. A politician of his apparent honesty is one thing that this election needs to give it some excitement.But he is no longer a politician!

Latham has been in the other universe for a while but, The Blowfly would suggest, he finds it a lot more fun in this one.

KRudd ,in the meantime and after lamenting his lot in life in an altogether different universe where he went on to be our nation's saviour, has secured his future in a future Labor Government because of his 'generous' offer to campaign------ but not beside Gillard! She is damned if he does and damned if he doesn't.

And there are still many voters who think that Gillard moved in a pre-meditated way against KRudd.Although Philip Adams and Laurie Oakes will tell you differently, she would have also been seen as disloyal if knowing, before the election, about the polling results in Queensland (that KRudd was not willing to face up to), she had not forced the issue with him.

Can you imagine the furore within Gillard's own support-base the morning after KRudd had lead the ALP to a resounding defeat? Some party official would take great joy in leaking that she had not spoken up and acted in the interests of the Party and the trade union movement.

The Blowfly recalls a George W Bush quip: "It will take time to restore chaos and order."

And in the words of Gerald Ford: "Things are more like today than they have ever been before"

Turnbull could be Prime minister after all!

This week The Blowfly has been hanging around Malcolm Turnbull like a bad smell.

The Blowfly prefers the rich. They have better class garbage and are more prone to thinking they are right.He loves winners!

For some months The Blowfly has been trying to get inside Malcolm's head regarding his plans for the future. He knows that Malcolm thinks big thoughts and he hates not having the levers in his hands.

The Blowfly was able to learn a few things when Malcolm was relaxing in his Vaucluse jacuzzi mid-week.

Imagine if you will, Malcolm determined to treat himself to a little deserving luxury after his morning coffee. Parliament was not sitting so it was a glass of champers, the Financial Review and the Sydney Morning Herald and a stream of sunshine coming in through the conservatory roof. Life could, on the surface, not be better for the Member for Wentworth.

The Blowfly very gently eases himself onto Malcolm's hair while he reads the papers. Almost straightaway his thoughts become yours and you are at one.The channelling session went something like this.

"Damn good life this being a back-bencher!................I could take more of this.............but still I feel that this indolence is not me...........I feel my life is lacking something..........am I happy?...............Happy? What is happy?...............I was happy when I knocked Kerry Packer over............I was happy when I was the head of Goldman Sachs in Australia......Jesus, those bastards are not looking too good now.........but I would've done the same............if I'd invested in sub-prime mortgages I would've found a way to cover my arse by shorting them somehow............ I was happy in my Spycatcher trial days..........I was happy when I made all that money from Ozemail............I was happy when the little rodent gave me the Water portfolio...................what does make me happy?"

He ponders for a moment and slowly sips his champers.

The the light comes on in his head. A very bright glow it is too! You can feel your feet warming up because it is turning out quite a few kilowatts.

"Lucy always tells me that I'm only happy when I am the centre of attention.Come to think of it I remember Kerry Packer telling me that too!..............they couldn't both be wrong!..........maybe I need to focus on being the centre of attention again...............how can I do that?.......maybe I should stay in politics?...........it would certainly give me more to do...........and I love irritating that tosser Abbott........and Joe!.........he's such a nice guy but so gullible...........and Christ , that damned KRudd has done a back-flip on the ETS when I put my leadership on the line for it.............hmmmmmm..............I wonder if I was set-up..............hmmmm....................."

He gently closes his eyes.

The biblical character, Lazarus, comes into his head.

"Could I rise from the dead like the little rodent did? I'm a lawyer. I'm wealthy. I married well. I have more going for me than he did when he made that 'Lazarus with a triple by-pass' remark.And only in the Liberal Party do souffles rise twice!"

The rapid eye movements start. He is dreaming.

Your antennae go up a little further.

You see an image of Tony Abbott's car being hit by a truck in Gippsland. You see an image of Joe Hockey having a massive heart attack on a treadmill.You see an image of Julius Caesar being hailed a hero in Rome.You see an image of Kevin Rudd being bludgeoned to death by Bob Brown and Penny Wong.You see Penny Wong being speared by Barnaby Joyce. Then you see an image of Malcolm walking across the harbour, climbing the bridge and then standing to the acclaim of the populace.

You are excited. The Blowfly has his own dreams but Malcolm's dreams are of truly staggering proportions.

He snuffles. His eyes open.He comes to grips with his surrounds.

Then he leaps from the jacuzzi and streaks down the hallway yelling.

"Lucy, Lucy! I thought I was dead but I am risen.I'm not going to resign. I'M GOING TO BE PRIME MINISTER AFTER ALL!"

The words of Darrow come into The Blowfly's mind. He said "When I was a boy, I was told anybody could be President;I'm beginning to believe it."

Tanner's hypocrisy on Barnaby Joyce is truly delicious

This week The Blowfly has been pursuing hypocrisy.

He has not had to travel far because in politics he is surrounded by it.

In fact there are times when he struggles to free his grimy little feet from the surface or shoulder he has attached himself to because of the layer of hypocrisy.

The layer of hypocrisy he struggled with this week was on the shoulders of Finance Minister, Lindsay Tanner.

Tanner had suggested that Barnaby Joyce was unsuitable as shadow Finance Minister and that Tony Abbott should get rid of him. So when Nick Minchin resigned and Abbott reshuffled his shadow cabinet ,Tanner came out crowing that Abbott had 'bowed to Government pressure'.

The Blowfly was munching on the remnants of an old meat pie at the press conference where Abbott announced his re-shuffle and his strange, demented brain thought that Tony Abbott had engineered a 'master stroke'.One of the few that has emerged recently from the Opposition.

The Blowfly's distant cousin, 'Shithead', grew up in a rubbish bin behind the hospital in Roma and he thought highly of Barnaby. He wasn't really suited to accountancy because he preferred to be out and about rather than behind his desk. The saleyard, the rodeo and the camp-draft were much more appealing to our Barnaby.Not to mention the country show!

This move says a couple of things about Tony Abbott.

Firstly he is prepared to acknowledge his mistakes.

Although one might think that an accountant would be a dead-sitter for Finance shadow minister it was not to be. Accountants are not economists thankfully. So when something doesn't add up for an accountant he is inclined to open his mouth. Economists don't do that because economics is not an exact science. Economics is largely bullshit and in Roma you become a little wary of bullshit. And a 'bullshit artist' is especially on the nose. So in this field it is hard to compete with the likes of Lindsay Tanner who holds a law degree, has worked in a legal firm and in the union movement. These blokes live on bullshit and thrive on it. The Blowfly is a relative expert in the area of bullshit because, at one stage in his life, he grew up on it. Another thing he has to be grateful to Paul Keating for!

And secondly, Abbott has recognised that , in his new shadow portfolio of Regional Development, Infrastructure and Water, our Barnaby should be working to his strengths.

He will know something about these topics. And he will know more about them than Kevin Rudd. And, for that matter, most other people in the Parliament.Even Tony Abbott and, dare I say it, Malcolm Turnbull!

You see,accountants from regional practices do know about regional development. They know what makes businesses tick and what makes them fail. That's something that ascerbic lawyers like Lindsay Tanner ,who did his thesis on 'politics and culture in Brunswick in the late 1920's', would not have a clue about.

And Barnaby will probably know something about water as well.And infrastructure. He's probably travelled more miles on the 'wonderful' country roads that constitute the main infrastructure in rural communities than Tanner has had 'bum pimples'.

The Blowfly says 'go Barnaby'!

And The Blowfly would like to stick it up those wimps in the Canberra Press Gallery who followed Tanner's line of 'Abbott bowing to Government pressure' and removing Joyce to another portfolio. Can't they think for themselves?

Who, in the Coalition, would 'give a rats' as to what Tanner thought about Joyce and the job he was doing?

The Blowfly speculates that any thinking politician, coming up to an election, upon finding that one of his opponents is stupid, will keep to himself about it so that the voters will assess it for themselves and vote accordingly.

That is why the hypocrisy of Lindsay Tanner is of the truly delicious variety.

Blowflies love it! The smell is particularly beguiling and reminiscent of their maggotty childhood.

The Government should consider using Sex to sell the Emissions Trading Scheme

The Blowfly has been trying his best to get into the Christmas spirit during the week but finds that this damned Emissions Trading Scheme ‘thingy-m-bobby’ is still doing the rounds of his minute brain.

He knows he is not alone in this regard. In his humble view (and there is nothing more humble than a blowfly) most Australians simply don’t give ‘a rats’ about it because they don’t understand what the pollies are talking about.

Until Malcolm Turnbull got rolled ,it seemed like KRudd was going to be able to avoid explaining the ETS to the Australian public. But now it looks like there will need to be some level of understanding or at least, mis-understanding. Both are preferable to ignorance or indifference.

The Blowfly believes he has hatched a superb idea to make the ETS understandable. As an altruistic insect he wants to share it.

The pathway to understanding complex notions is to relate them to something quite simple and usual.

Einstein was able to do this. He explained his Theory of Relativity in terms that everyone understood. He explained that when you have a pretty girl sitting on your knee, time passes very quickly. However when you put your hand on a hot stove then a mere millisecond seems like an eternity.

It was when The Blowfly was enjoying a beautiful dream embellished with a little fly-sex that it came to him. The ETS could be sold like any other commodity---with sex! The advertising agencies contracted to sell this government initiative will be in their element.

Let me run this totally unrealistic scenario past you.

Imagine for a moment that the Government wanted to reduce the rate of population growth because they were concerned that Australia could not accommodate an increase. And let’s say that the country is NOT in the hands of Tony Abbott. This scenario wont work with the Catholic Church pulling the levers---so please indulge The Blowfly a little!

Let’s say that there were some scientists who had persuaded the Government that a Sexual Intercourse Reduction Scheme (SIRS) was the answer to Australia’s population growth. And let’s say that they have been able to persuade the religious and loony lobby to support such a notion--after a period of bullying by someone akin to a Mandarin-speaking PM and a gay lawyer who was the Minister in charge of population growth. And let’s say that Bob Brown was also in favour of it. See the pattern emerging?

In order to reduce sexual activity the government would firstly set a cap on the number of acts of sexual intercourse between consenting adults.(I say adults because we would have to exempt teenagers from the scheme .They could not possibly afford all the sex they indulge in on their pocket-money).

The Government would issue a permit to each person for the amount of sex they are presently having. The quantity would be monitored and audited by the sex police. The quality would be in the hands of the gods---as usual! Initially the biggest problem would be convincing people to be truthful about how much they are getting.

A large portion of the elderly would be prepared to sell their permits because their interest in sex is declining. Some wealthy high-profile golfers may be prepared to pay big dollars for permits. Some elderly people would sell to the golfers.

Other people may well decide to sell their permits because they have developed an interest in virtual sex. New technologies are a critical part of the SIRS.

Some may decide to masturbate more. They would sell their permits on the open market because they are not required for this activity. This group may well need the extra funds to combat the increased likelihood of blindness and they will be no better off.

Others such as hookers and escorts make their living from sex. They might be considered to be exempt because their activities don’t usually result in pregnancies. But this may well be repugnant to Family First who would argue that hookers and escorts are getting an unfair advantage over families—the foundations of our society!

But the price of a permit for sex would, over time, be established by the market-place. And what a delightfully interesting market-place it would be!

Australians would be forced to think about their sexual practices and behaviours in terms of money. Undoubtedly this would change their behaviours. There would be further diversification and innovation.This may well be considered to be progress.

The Blowfly can identify a few juicy policy issues that any self-respecting Government may need to wrestle with.

Firstly there are low-income households. They will need to be assisted because they are overly indulgent when it comes to sex. They need to have more children to look after them in their old age. Pensioners will also need to accommodated. As the population ages they constitute a substantial voting block. The randy ones will need subsidising but most will be able to make a fortune by selling their permits as they grow older.

Other groups such as the gay and lesbian community will be exempt. Their sexual activity does not contribute to an increasing population. This will be a tickly one! If this got past Steve Fielding and Nick Xenophon I’d be surprised----not to mention Barnaby Joyce!

And so on and so on!

Now The Blowfly is the first to admit that this line of thinking still needs a little work but he is hoping that it forms the core of a worthwhile concept for Penny, KRudd and Malcolm Turnbull to work with going forward.

In a funny sort of way this is also an emissions trading scheme!

In the words of George Bernard Shaw, "Some can see things and say, ‘Why?’ But The Blowfly sees things that never were and says ‘Why not?’”