Monday, December 14, 2009

The Government should consider using Sex to sell the Emissions Trading Scheme

The Blowfly has been trying his best to get into the Christmas spirit during the week but finds that this damned Emissions Trading Scheme ‘thingy-m-bobby’ is still doing the rounds of his minute brain.

He knows he is not alone in this regard. In his humble view (and there is nothing more humble than a blowfly) most Australians simply don’t give ‘a rats’ about it because they don’t understand what the pollies are talking about.

Until Malcolm Turnbull got rolled ,it seemed like KRudd was going to be able to avoid explaining the ETS to the Australian public. But now it looks like there will need to be some level of understanding or at least, mis-understanding. Both are preferable to ignorance or indifference.

The Blowfly believes he has hatched a superb idea to make the ETS understandable. As an altruistic insect he wants to share it.

The pathway to understanding complex notions is to relate them to something quite simple and usual.

Einstein was able to do this. He explained his Theory of Relativity in terms that everyone understood. He explained that when you have a pretty girl sitting on your knee, time passes very quickly. However when you put your hand on a hot stove then a mere millisecond seems like an eternity.

It was when The Blowfly was enjoying a beautiful dream embellished with a little fly-sex that it came to him. The ETS could be sold like any other commodity---with sex! The advertising agencies contracted to sell this government initiative will be in their element.

Let me run this totally unrealistic scenario past you.

Imagine for a moment that the Government wanted to reduce the rate of population growth because they were concerned that Australia could not accommodate an increase. And let’s say that the country is NOT in the hands of Tony Abbott. This scenario wont work with the Catholic Church pulling the levers---so please indulge The Blowfly a little!

Let’s say that there were some scientists who had persuaded the Government that a Sexual Intercourse Reduction Scheme (SIRS) was the answer to Australia’s population growth. And let’s say that they have been able to persuade the religious and loony lobby to support such a notion--after a period of bullying by someone akin to a Mandarin-speaking PM and a gay lawyer who was the Minister in charge of population growth. And let’s say that Bob Brown was also in favour of it. See the pattern emerging?

In order to reduce sexual activity the government would firstly set a cap on the number of acts of sexual intercourse between consenting adults.(I say adults because we would have to exempt teenagers from the scheme .They could not possibly afford all the sex they indulge in on their pocket-money).

The Government would issue a permit to each person for the amount of sex they are presently having. The quantity would be monitored and audited by the sex police. The quality would be in the hands of the gods---as usual! Initially the biggest problem would be convincing people to be truthful about how much they are getting.

A large portion of the elderly would be prepared to sell their permits because their interest in sex is declining. Some wealthy high-profile golfers may be prepared to pay big dollars for permits. Some elderly people would sell to the golfers.

Other people may well decide to sell their permits because they have developed an interest in virtual sex. New technologies are a critical part of the SIRS.

Some may decide to masturbate more. They would sell their permits on the open market because they are not required for this activity. This group may well need the extra funds to combat the increased likelihood of blindness and they will be no better off.

Others such as hookers and escorts make their living from sex. They might be considered to be exempt because their activities don’t usually result in pregnancies. But this may well be repugnant to Family First who would argue that hookers and escorts are getting an unfair advantage over families—the foundations of our society!

But the price of a permit for sex would, over time, be established by the market-place. And what a delightfully interesting market-place it would be!

Australians would be forced to think about their sexual practices and behaviours in terms of money. Undoubtedly this would change their behaviours. There would be further diversification and innovation.This may well be considered to be progress.

The Blowfly can identify a few juicy policy issues that any self-respecting Government may need to wrestle with.

Firstly there are low-income households. They will need to be assisted because they are overly indulgent when it comes to sex. They need to have more children to look after them in their old age. Pensioners will also need to accommodated. As the population ages they constitute a substantial voting block. The randy ones will need subsidising but most will be able to make a fortune by selling their permits as they grow older.

Other groups such as the gay and lesbian community will be exempt. Their sexual activity does not contribute to an increasing population. This will be a tickly one! If this got past Steve Fielding and Nick Xenophon I’d be surprised----not to mention Barnaby Joyce!

And so on and so on!

Now The Blowfly is the first to admit that this line of thinking still needs a little work but he is hoping that it forms the core of a worthwhile concept for Penny, KRudd and Malcolm Turnbull to work with going forward.

In a funny sort of way this is also an emissions trading scheme!

In the words of George Bernard Shaw, "Some can see things and say, ‘Why?’ But The Blowfly sees things that never were and says ‘Why not?’”

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