More irony in Australian politics might make it bearable

The Blowfly found that the most entertaining feature of last week’s political events was the revelation that Bob Katter’s half brother was gay.

He came forward after the colorful north Queensland MP appeared at an anti-gay marriage rally.

This got The Blowfly thinking.

Politics has become so vitriolic in this country because of the hung parliament and the pugilistic Jesuit-type tactics of the Opposition. Most of the population are looking for light relief.

The Blowfly realises that God is a busy entity but he wonders whether He/She/It would serve humanity’s best interests by giving us more irony in politics.

This, at least, would make Australian politics more bearable.

Here are some scenarios that The Blowfly hopes might come to fruition in order to lighten our loads a little.

Hope 1. Julia Gillard’s long lost half sister turns up in the ‘old country’. She is a Quaker, runs a successful wedding planning business and has been married for over 30 years. She speaks the ‘Queen’s English', is blonde and can cook.

Hope 2. Tony Abbott’s half brother is a visionary thinker and community builder for the Uniting Church. He talks gently to women, is IT savvy having 3000 Facebook friends, has never told a lie in his life, has never thought of offering his backside to get what he wants and is a member of the Greens.

Hope 3. Joe Hockey’s half sister is an economist and personal trainer. She makes sense when she talks on economic matters. It just so happens that she is also Andrew Robb’s half sister and David Koch’s niece.

Hope 4. Julie Bishop’s half brother was found wandering naked in a cave near Esperance in Western Australia. It appears that he was raised by a family of stray cats. He can’t remember his sister escaping from the cave when he was 5 months old. Now you know where ‘the look’ comes from!

Hope 5. Craig Thomson’s long lost twin brother turns out to have an identical signature and has an abnormally high sex drive. He turns out to have stolen his Parliamentary brother’s identity and credit cards. Unlike his brother, who chaired the Parliamentary Economics Committee, he had time to visit brothels at all hours. Craig has bailed his half brother out previously but it cost him a fortune in legal fees.

Hope 6. The search for Malcolm Turnbull’s half brother took an unusual turn. He turned out to be Mike Quigley, the CEO of the National Broadband Network company. This was one of the reasons that Malcolm could not bring himself to tear it down. His half-brother’s half brother presently runs Goldman Sachs. This was a motivation for Malcolm’s policy position before the Old World Order got him.

Hope 7. Penny Wong’s half brother turned out to be Irish comedian Jimeon. Both of them are still getting used to the idea. DNA tests are being performed.

The Blowfly also remembers the words of George Bernard Shaw: “My way of joking is to tell the truth. It’s the funniest joke in the world.”

And so it is with Australian politics!

Kevin Rudd's real 'Sorry' speech---in a parallel universe!

A couple of weeks ago the Parliament observed National Sorry Day.

The original ‘Sorry Day’ had definitely been one of the highlights of Kevin Rudd’s short Prime Ministerial career.

What you don’t know is that another ‘Sorry’ speech took place in a parallel universe not far away.

It went like this.

“Hello, I’m Kevin Rudd, I’m here to say sorry.

I’m sorry that I’m still more popular in Queensland than my red-headed ‘friend’.

I’m sorry that I still poll higher for preferred PM. This is not something I set out to do. I am not responsible for the ignorance of Australians about my appalling ‘hands-on’ management style and being a ‘control-freak’. After all I am a Queenslander and ……………….

I’m sorry that I still secretly aspire to be the Prime Minister. I am, after all, human and I loved the kudos. I loved the PM’s car with the little flags on it!

I’m sorry that I can’t quite bring myself to dispel the rumours that I might be conspiring behind the scenes to be the Prime Minister again. I like to keep the redhead on edge!

I’m sorry that I leaked all that information about my colleagues to Laurie Oakes. He has such a way with words----like I do! And what is a man to do when he has information that can undermine a compatriot!

I’m sorry that I love showing off by speaking Mandarin. I wish I could speak ‘Altona-nose’ but I just can’t bring myself to lower myself that far.

I’m also sorry that I’m clocking more miles as Foreign Minister than I ever thought possible and, stuffing single-handedly, Australia’s capacity to meet its emissions targets.

I’m sorry for keeping Penny Wong up so late at Copenhagen. That poor dear desperately needs her beauty sleep---- if anyone does! Meouw!

I’m sorry about all those hours of lost sleep I caused those public servants who had to get out of bed early when I was running the country. When you are PM you get so excited about running the country you can hardly sleep. And I don’t need a lot of sleep so why should they? Especially the Queenslanders in the public service!

I’m sorry for the Vision for the Future conference that offered so much promise to our country but went nowhere because I got rolled-----and, anyway, after I got rolled there was no point to any of those good ideas because as I’m not in charge there is no future for our country.

I’m sorry for swearing so much it is now permissible for Christians in Australia to excuse their foul language by saying “but Kevin used to say it”. Sorry for using the term ‘rat-f**kers’ at Copenhagen and causing it to slip into the Australian vernacular. I don’t even know what a ‘rat-f**ker’ is but it sounded good at the time -----and the Press picked it up!

My friends, Broncos fans and all you mere mortals who don’t know about all my foibles because I’m really good at hiding them, please accept my apologies.

I am deeply sorry!”

Turnbull could be Prime minister after all!

This week The Blowfly has been hanging around Malcolm Turnbull like a bad smell.

The Blowfly prefers the rich. They have better class garbage and are more prone to thinking they are right.He loves winners!

For some months The Blowfly has been trying to get inside Malcolm's head regarding his plans for the future. He knows that Malcolm thinks big thoughts and he hates not having the levers in his hands.

The Blowfly was able to learn a few things when Malcolm was relaxing in his Vaucluse jacuzzi mid-week.

Imagine if you will, Malcolm determined to treat himself to a little deserving luxury after his morning coffee. Parliament was not sitting so it was a glass of champers, the Financial Review and the Sydney Morning Herald and a stream of sunshine coming in through the conservatory roof. Life could, on the surface, not be better for the Member for Wentworth.

The Blowfly very gently eases himself onto Malcolm's hair while he reads the papers. Almost straightaway his thoughts become yours and you are at one.The channelling session went something like this.

"Damn good life this being a back-bencher!................I could take more of this.............but still I feel that this indolence is not me...........I feel my life is lacking something..........am I happy?...............Happy? What is happy?...............I was happy when I knocked Kerry Packer over............I was happy when I was the head of Goldman Sachs in Australia......Jesus, those bastards are not looking too good now.........but I would've done the same............if I'd invested in sub-prime mortgages I would've found a way to cover my arse by shorting them somehow............ I was happy in my Spycatcher trial days..........I was happy when I made all that money from Ozemail............I was happy when the little rodent gave me the Water portfolio...................what does make me happy?"

He ponders for a moment and slowly sips his champers.

The the light comes on in his head. A very bright glow it is too! You can feel your feet warming up because it is turning out quite a few kilowatts.

"Lucy always tells me that I'm only happy when I am the centre of attention.Come to think of it I remember Kerry Packer telling me that too!..............they couldn't both be wrong!..........maybe I need to focus on being the centre of attention again...............how can I do that?.......maybe I should stay in politics?...........it would certainly give me more to do...........and I love irritating that tosser Abbott........and Joe!.........he's such a nice guy but so gullible...........and Christ , that damned KRudd has done a back-flip on the ETS when I put my leadership on the line for it.............hmmmmmm..............I wonder if I was set-up..............hmmmm....................."

He gently closes his eyes.

The biblical character, Lazarus, comes into his head.

"Could I rise from the dead like the little rodent did? I'm a lawyer. I'm wealthy. I married well. I have more going for me than he did when he made that 'Lazarus with a triple by-pass' remark.And only in the Liberal Party do souffles rise twice!"

The rapid eye movements start. He is dreaming.

Your antennae go up a little further.

You see an image of Tony Abbott's car being hit by a truck in Gippsland. You see an image of Joe Hockey having a massive heart attack on a treadmill.You see an image of Julius Caesar being hailed a hero in Rome.You see an image of Kevin Rudd being bludgeoned to death by Bob Brown and Penny Wong.You see Penny Wong being speared by Barnaby Joyce. Then you see an image of Malcolm walking across the harbour, climbing the bridge and then standing to the acclaim of the populace.

You are excited. The Blowfly has his own dreams but Malcolm's dreams are of truly staggering proportions.

He snuffles. His eyes open.He comes to grips with his surrounds.

Then he leaps from the jacuzzi and streaks down the hallway yelling.

"Lucy, Lucy! I thought I was dead but I am risen.I'm not going to resign. I'M GOING TO BE PRIME MINISTER AFTER ALL!"

The words of Darrow come into The Blowfly's mind. He said "When I was a boy, I was told anybody could be President;I'm beginning to believe it."

This week there are more questions than answers.

This week The Blowfly has had a little change of pace.

He felt a little off earlier in the week and decided that he could possibly resort to a thinking week rather than a week of sitting on a politician's shoulder. He found that a rather interesting way of exercising his poor demented brain was to simply put himself in other people's shoes. This also allowed a little more variety in his thinking----he could expand outside the rather cloistered world of politics if he wanted to.

The tactic The Blowfly used was to think of particular individuals and list the questions he envisaged they would be pondering. To warm himself up to the task he started with relatively simple human beings and worked his way to the more complex.

Lara Bingle

• With friends like Dermott Brereton, do I really need any enemies?
• What ever did I see in Brendon Fevola?
• What does anyone see in Brendon Fevola?
• Was Wayne Carey serious when he sought to give advice to Brendon?
  
• What do I see in Max Markson?
• Where the bloody hell was Michael Clarke when I really needed him?
• Will he have a better chance of succeeding Rick Ponting now that we have broken our engagement?
• Should I get insulation put in the ceiling of my new apartment?
• Why is Sam Newman not married?
  

Pope Benedict

• Is is possible that there is a linkage between the vow of celibacy that priests have to take and their sexual interest in children? Could that be possible?
  
• Who was responsible for introducing that damned vow anyway?
  
• Why wasn't I interested in children?
• Will this undermine the reputation of the church?
• Will the claims break us financially?
• Why do I wear these red shoes everywhere?
• Why didn't Tony Abbott persist with the priesthood?
• If I'm supposed to be infallible in what direction do I lead the Church?
• How is The Church of Scientology dealing with all their negative publicity?
• What can we learn from them?
• Why don't they have a vow of celibacy?
  
• Do we have mutual interests?
  

Tony Abbott

• What have I started by listening to my daughters about this maternity leave issue?
• What are the implications of it for the economy?
• Will more women have babies if we introduce a maternity leave scheme?
• Will that lead to a greater demand for housing?
• Will that drive rents up?
• Will the banks respond by funding more investment properties?
• What can I do if they don't?
• Should I talk to my colleagues more before I open my mouth?
• I wonder what Kevin Rudd is going to do with Peter Garrett?
  
• I wonder what Malcolm Turnbull is up to?
• Why don't accountants from Queensland make good shadow ministers?
• What am I going to do with Barnaby?
  

Kevin Rudd

• What else can go wrong between now and the election?
• What job can I allocate to Peter Garrett?
• What will happen to my election prospects if Barack Obama can't make his Australian visit?
• How am I going to explain to the voters my inaction on whaling by the Japanese?
• Why is Penny Wong so unpopular with farmers?
• How can I get Wayne Swan to be more like Peter Costello was?
• Am I going to drink that coffee the Indonesian President bought as a gift for me?
• I wonder what Malcolm Turnbull is up to?
• I wonder what mundane career Therese would've pursued if she'd not met me?
• Is there any other way that I can make public servants work harder?
• In this hierarchy have I yet risen my level of incompetence?

The Blowfly has found that this angle of thought has allowed him to reach outside himself and develop a level of empathy with his fellow human beings he has not previously experienced.

He can only recommend 'putting yourself in the shoes of others' to fellow travellers who enjoy congregating around the rotting refuse of life.

The Rise and the Rise of Kevin Rudd's Wife---She is Nobody's Poppet!

The lot of a Prime Minister’s wife is not an easy one.

It is extremely hard to please all of your husband’s constituency. It doesn’t matter how you play the game someone is going to criticise you.

Dame Pattie Menzies was ‘too much of a lady’. Dame Zara Holt was ‘too homely and yet too posh’. Sonia McMahon was ‘too glamorous’. Tammy Fraser was ‘too mundane’. Hazel Hawke was ‘too tolerant of her husband’. Anita Keating was ‘too smart’-----that’s why the first thing she did when Paul vacated was to get her life back and ‘leave the bastard’. We all sympathised with her! If Turnbull’s republic had’ve got up she would’ve been a walk-up start to being our first President based on her ‘ballsy’ effort in telling Paul Keating exactly what she thought of him---and confirming what the rest of us suspected about him!

And Janette Howard! Well she was far ‘too precious’ about her husband’s lot in life. Can you imagine sitting outside your husband’s door like a Sentinel vetting visitor’s and being involved in conversations with Ministers who had been asked to report back about his prospects of winning the next election? Most wives could not give a ‘rats’ about their husband hanging on in politics----they would prefer them to vacate and get on with their lives! But Janette had got used to Kirribilli House and the trappings and -------her kids had left home and she had nothing better to do!

So you will understand why The Blowfly has recently become more interested in Therese Rein, the poor, long-suffering wife and partner of one Kevvie Rudd--------our country’s supposed 'leader'.

Having penetrated the PM’s house before Christmas ,The Blowfly felt compelled to do a return visit early in the new year to understand more of her contribution to the PM's thinking----whatever there is of his thinking!

She can usually read his thoughts---as most wives can---but when he is aware of this he begins thinking in Mandarin to throw her off the scent of his brilliance.

So let me set the scene for you.

I am on Therese’s shoulder as she climbs a ladder in the PM’s study in their Brisbane home. It is a modest study roughly 3.7m by 3.7m and with a normal ceiling of about 2.1m.

In her hands she has a large Kellogg’s cornflakes box. In her mouth she has a sticky tape dispenser. Although The Blowfly is used to dizzy heights she is not. You are careful not to try any antics that might distract her lest her much-recently-reduced-voluptuosness falls from the ladder.

She gets to the top, rests the sticky tape dispenser on the top rung of the ladder, extracts two good 6 inch pieces of tape and places the Cornflakes box in the top left hand corner of the room against the ceiling. Deftly she places one piece of sticky tape under the box and affixes it to the wall. With the other piece of tape she attaches the box to the side wall. Several more pieces of tape later she has the box ‘going nowhere’.

But the Kellogg’s cornflakes box is now positioned firmly where it will attract the PM’s attention when next he sits at his desk.

Now she reaches into her bra and extracts a sewing pin and sticks it part-way into the box.

The Blowfly is fascinated with this escapade. He is puzzled yet full of admiration for her. It was no mean feat to position the cornflakes as she has.

She alights from the ladder, straightens herself and smiles one of the largest smiles you have ever seen from a PM’s wife. Mostly they have precious little to smile about! And there is also a severe twinkle in her eyes. You can see why Kevvie loves her.

As she admires her work you tune into her thoughts and catch something along the following lines. “That will make that little Mandarin-speaking, egocentric bastard think! And when he shares it with Penny ‘2 Wong’s don’t make a Wight’ it will be just one almighty hoot. I wish I’d be able to see her face. God, I’m brilliant! No wonder he married me. Not only am I sexy and wealthy---I am also smarter than him.”

You glance up at the cornflakes box with the pin impaled in it and wonder what-the-hell she is thinking about. Your minute little brain is unable to comprehend this woman's intentions----you after all are a male blowfly.

She retires from the study and goes about her normal household duties. But there is a definite jauntiness about her. You even sense that she is enjoying the ironing-----now that is a first! Most thinking men know that they are in trouble when their wife starts enjoying the ironing.

The Blowfly positions himself near the kitchen bin, feasting for most of the afternoon.

But as soon as you hear Kevvie's Commonwealth car in the driveway you re-position yourself on Therese Rein’s shoulder to enjoy the show that is about to unfold before your eyes.

In he walks be-spectacled and bearing the weight of Australia’s problems on his weedy shoulders. He goes straight to the study to throw his brief-case down---just like he used to do when he came home from school----most men never change! As he does you hear this almighty shriek as he exclaims in his new social media lingo “WTF?”-----which is the jargon exclamation from his Twittering!

From the study he emerges positively bemused by the new ornament adorning the area above his desk.

“Therese, what the hell is that thing in the corner of my study above my desk?”

“Darling,” she says impishly, “I thought you would never notice!”

“Darling, you know how, in our marriage to date, I have made all the money and you have the brains?”

His heads nods slowly, very slowly------ but surely!

“Well from now on we are going to reverse our roles. You are going to make the money and I will be the clever one!”

He nods again with his eyes rolling gently back in his head.

“I’ve been trying to get my head around all this climate change stuff you’ve been rubbing into me since the election. And yesterday I came across a Letter to the Editor from a guy who used to run the Munmorah Power Station near Newcastle.”

“Yeeeessss!”, Kevvie stammers knowing that he is on a hiding to nothing with this line .

“Let’s imagine that your study represents the atmosphere of our lovely planet. The carbon dioxide volume is presently about .038%---up from .034% about 50 years ago. That cornflakes box represents the same proportional volume of carbon dioxide in your study,” she continues with spiff and spunk.

“Did you see the pin sticking out of the box?” she questions.

It had eluded his ever-present ocular vigilance and he returns to the study to check it out. He nods upon his return.

“Well that constitutes the volume of carbon dioxide that would be achieved if Australia achieves a 20% reduction in it’s emissions.We only produce 1% of the world's total emissions.” She turns her back to turn the kettle off.

“So the only people who are going to benefit from achieving the emissions reduction target in Australia are the people operating the carbon trading schemes, the people receiving subsidies for solar energy installations and innovation and the tradesmen installing insulation. So you go to it! You see if you and Turnbull can get that emissions trading scheme up and running because, between you both ---and Goldman Sachs--- we should be able to work out a way of making a fortune out of it”. She smiles at him with an all-knowing smile that only a wife can give.

He looks at her in stunned silence.

Your antennae go up. His thoughtful response emerges. He thinks to himself.

“Bitch! Now I’ve got two to put up with! I don’t know who will be worse----Therese or Penny?”

Your research into Therese’s capacities as the PM’s wife has been richly rewarded. If Turnbull’s republic ever got up Therese would surely leapfrog over Anita Keating for President.

The Government should consider using Sex to sell the Emissions Trading Scheme

The Blowfly has been trying his best to get into the Christmas spirit during the week but finds that this damned Emissions Trading Scheme ‘thingy-m-bobby’ is still doing the rounds of his minute brain.

He knows he is not alone in this regard. In his humble view (and there is nothing more humble than a blowfly) most Australians simply don’t give ‘a rats’ about it because they don’t understand what the pollies are talking about.

Until Malcolm Turnbull got rolled ,it seemed like KRudd was going to be able to avoid explaining the ETS to the Australian public. But now it looks like there will need to be some level of understanding or at least, mis-understanding. Both are preferable to ignorance or indifference.

The Blowfly believes he has hatched a superb idea to make the ETS understandable. As an altruistic insect he wants to share it.

The pathway to understanding complex notions is to relate them to something quite simple and usual.

Einstein was able to do this. He explained his Theory of Relativity in terms that everyone understood. He explained that when you have a pretty girl sitting on your knee, time passes very quickly. However when you put your hand on a hot stove then a mere millisecond seems like an eternity.

It was when The Blowfly was enjoying a beautiful dream embellished with a little fly-sex that it came to him. The ETS could be sold like any other commodity---with sex! The advertising agencies contracted to sell this government initiative will be in their element.

Let me run this totally unrealistic scenario past you.

Imagine for a moment that the Government wanted to reduce the rate of population growth because they were concerned that Australia could not accommodate an increase. And let’s say that the country is NOT in the hands of Tony Abbott. This scenario wont work with the Catholic Church pulling the levers---so please indulge The Blowfly a little!

Let’s say that there were some scientists who had persuaded the Government that a Sexual Intercourse Reduction Scheme (SIRS) was the answer to Australia’s population growth. And let’s say that they have been able to persuade the religious and loony lobby to support such a notion--after a period of bullying by someone akin to a Mandarin-speaking PM and a gay lawyer who was the Minister in charge of population growth. And let’s say that Bob Brown was also in favour of it. See the pattern emerging?

In order to reduce sexual activity the government would firstly set a cap on the number of acts of sexual intercourse between consenting adults.(I say adults because we would have to exempt teenagers from the scheme .They could not possibly afford all the sex they indulge in on their pocket-money).

The Government would issue a permit to each person for the amount of sex they are presently having. The quantity would be monitored and audited by the sex police. The quality would be in the hands of the gods---as usual! Initially the biggest problem would be convincing people to be truthful about how much they are getting.

A large portion of the elderly would be prepared to sell their permits because their interest in sex is declining. Some wealthy high-profile golfers may be prepared to pay big dollars for permits. Some elderly people would sell to the golfers.

Other people may well decide to sell their permits because they have developed an interest in virtual sex. New technologies are a critical part of the SIRS.

Some may decide to masturbate more. They would sell their permits on the open market because they are not required for this activity. This group may well need the extra funds to combat the increased likelihood of blindness and they will be no better off.

Others such as hookers and escorts make their living from sex. They might be considered to be exempt because their activities don’t usually result in pregnancies. But this may well be repugnant to Family First who would argue that hookers and escorts are getting an unfair advantage over families—the foundations of our society!

But the price of a permit for sex would, over time, be established by the market-place. And what a delightfully interesting market-place it would be!

Australians would be forced to think about their sexual practices and behaviours in terms of money. Undoubtedly this would change their behaviours. There would be further diversification and innovation.This may well be considered to be progress.

The Blowfly can identify a few juicy policy issues that any self-respecting Government may need to wrestle with.

Firstly there are low-income households. They will need to be assisted because they are overly indulgent when it comes to sex. They need to have more children to look after them in their old age. Pensioners will also need to accommodated. As the population ages they constitute a substantial voting block. The randy ones will need subsidising but most will be able to make a fortune by selling their permits as they grow older.

Other groups such as the gay and lesbian community will be exempt. Their sexual activity does not contribute to an increasing population. This will be a tickly one! If this got past Steve Fielding and Nick Xenophon I’d be surprised----not to mention Barnaby Joyce!

And so on and so on!

Now The Blowfly is the first to admit that this line of thinking still needs a little work but he is hoping that it forms the core of a worthwhile concept for Penny, KRudd and Malcolm Turnbull to work with going forward.

In a funny sort of way this is also an emissions trading scheme!

In the words of George Bernard Shaw, "Some can see things and say, ‘Why?’ But The Blowfly sees things that never were and says ‘Why not?’”