PM reveals top secret election strategy to Caucus planning meeting

The Blowfly was up at the crack of dawn last Sunday to attend the special Caucus meeting the Prime Minister had called to get the ALP back on track and in a position to win the next election in 2013.

Nestled on the picture rail in the Caucus meeting room I can admit to hardly being able to contain myself as to what the PM was going to say to motivate the troops out of the rut they find themselves in.

Given Laurie Oakes’ article in the Herald Sun on the day before The Blowfly had thought it was going to be a pretty ho-hum sort of event.

After-all what could be more boring than a planning meeting-----especially with politicians!

The Blowfly expected that the PM would talk about the Government having to tell its message in a more effective way, hammering the strength of Australia’s economy compared to other economies, going for Abbott’s economic Achilles heel, defining the real purpose of an ALP government and focussing on the social pluses of policies such as propping the car industry up to retain jobs in Australia.

But it was not to be!

What I’m about to reveal is top secret.

The PM started by reminding them of the night that Kevin Rudd was rolled.

She explained she always maintained confidence in Kevin’s capacities. He was able to pull simple folk in behind him----especially the simple folk of Queensland!

Kevin could speak Mandarin--- no mean feat!

He had an eye for detail. So much so that he had to work extremely long hours to pick up all the punctuation mistakes in briefs and reports. This reduced his sleeping hours and, even Therese acknowledged, made him unbearable.

On the night of the supposed coup a secret sort of ‘Kirribilli agreement’ had been worked out between Julia and Kevin and witnessed by Bill Shorten.

The agreement was that Kevin would return to be the saviour and hero of the ALP after he had been ‘re-educated’.

He had to learn to delegate. He had to learn how to stop swearing although he professed to be a Christian. He had to learn how to stop leaking to Laurie Oakes. He had to learn how to be loyal to the Labor movement and become a team player. No ‘kitchen cabinets’ in the future. Kevin really had to rebuild himself from the riding boots up.

This involved a lot of overseas travel to study and seek advice from the people who know these things. What better cover than being appointed Foreign Minister?

That was one corner of the audacious plan outlined to the Caucus by the PM.

The other one was to make Tony Abbott look good. The purpose of this was to lure the Coalition into a false sense of security coming up to the next election.

Then immediately before the election is called, Julia would resign as the PM, Kevin Rudd would replace her and ‘Bob’s your uncle’. Even a ‘drover’s dog’ would be able to win an election from Abbott then.

What a scoop for The Blowfly! Eat your heart out Laurie Oakes!

Tony Abbott's great sense of humour!

This week The Blowfly finds himself completely at odds with Laurie Oakes and the rest of the Australian press gallery.

Tony Abbott copped a caning from the media regarding his remarks about the sunken Italian cruise liner. He wittingly brought it into the asylum seeker debate. He referred to it as ‘one boat they could not turn back.’

Laurie Oakes said that “the bloke just doesn’t get it.”

Hopefully Laurie and the media do not set the benchmark on what is appropriate , what is funny and what is not.

Blowflies often find humour in misfortune. Especially other people’s!

Tony Abbott has a wonderful sense of humour and, given the state of Australian politics, we need lashings of it regularly.

Tony has made The Blowfly laugh on many occasions.

Who could ever forget the television interview where Tony tried to explain the difference between the ‘truth’ and the ‘gospel truth’.

That was funny!

And then there was the interview with Kerry O’Brien where he tried to explain the details of his telecommunications policy.

That was hilarious!

But there is more!

“What housewives need to understand while they’re doing the ironing is that if they get it done commercially it’s going to go up in price, and their own power bills are going to go up every year when they switch the iron off.”

"I think there does need to be give and take on both sides, and this idea that sex is kind of a woman’s right to absolutely withhold, just as the idea that sex is a man’s right to demand I think they both need to be moderated, so to speak.”

Are you laughing yet?

“I am giving you the most definite commitment any politician can give that this tax will go. This is a pledge in blood this tax will go.”

“The only thing I wouldn’t do is sell my arse---but I’d have to give serious thought to it.”

To Malcolm Turnbull on climate change: “I know I’m a bit of a weather vane on this.”
Surely you are laughing now!

“….Jesus didn’t say yes to everyone. I mean Jesus knew that there was a place for everything and it is not necessarily everyone’s place to come to Australia.”

“….we just can’t stop people from being homeless if that’s their choice….”

On whether a national celibacy campaign would help counter the rise in teen sexual activity, sexual infections and pregnancies: “I think that it’s very important that we empower people to reject this kind of rampant sensuality.”

Now for the one that brings tears to your eyes.

“I think it would be folly to expect that women will ever dominate or even approach equal representation in a large number of areas simply because their aptitudes, abilities and interests are different for physiological reasons.”

I think we should leave the final word to the illustrious humorist George W Bush: "See in my line of work you got to keep repeating things over and over again for the truth to sink in, to kind of catapult the propaganda.”

The Blowfly could not have said it better.

Kevin Rudd's real 'Sorry' speech---in a parallel universe!

A couple of weeks ago the Parliament observed National Sorry Day.

The original ‘Sorry Day’ had definitely been one of the highlights of Kevin Rudd’s short Prime Ministerial career.

What you don’t know is that another ‘Sorry’ speech took place in a parallel universe not far away.

It went like this.

“Hello, I’m Kevin Rudd, I’m here to say sorry.

I’m sorry that I’m still more popular in Queensland than my red-headed ‘friend’.

I’m sorry that I still poll higher for preferred PM. This is not something I set out to do. I am not responsible for the ignorance of Australians about my appalling ‘hands-on’ management style and being a ‘control-freak’. After all I am a Queenslander and ……………….

I’m sorry that I still secretly aspire to be the Prime Minister. I am, after all, human and I loved the kudos. I loved the PM’s car with the little flags on it!

I’m sorry that I can’t quite bring myself to dispel the rumours that I might be conspiring behind the scenes to be the Prime Minister again. I like to keep the redhead on edge!

I’m sorry that I leaked all that information about my colleagues to Laurie Oakes. He has such a way with words----like I do! And what is a man to do when he has information that can undermine a compatriot!

I’m sorry that I love showing off by speaking Mandarin. I wish I could speak ‘Altona-nose’ but I just can’t bring myself to lower myself that far.

I’m also sorry that I’m clocking more miles as Foreign Minister than I ever thought possible and, stuffing single-handedly, Australia’s capacity to meet its emissions targets.

I’m sorry for keeping Penny Wong up so late at Copenhagen. That poor dear desperately needs her beauty sleep---- if anyone does! Meouw!

I’m sorry about all those hours of lost sleep I caused those public servants who had to get out of bed early when I was running the country. When you are PM you get so excited about running the country you can hardly sleep. And I don’t need a lot of sleep so why should they? Especially the Queenslanders in the public service!

I’m sorry for the Vision for the Future conference that offered so much promise to our country but went nowhere because I got rolled-----and, anyway, after I got rolled there was no point to any of those good ideas because as I’m not in charge there is no future for our country.

I’m sorry for swearing so much it is now permissible for Christians in Australia to excuse their foul language by saying “but Kevin used to say it”. Sorry for using the term ‘rat-f**kers’ at Copenhagen and causing it to slip into the Australian vernacular. I don’t even know what a ‘rat-f**ker’ is but it sounded good at the time -----and the Press picked it up!

My friends, Broncos fans and all you mere mortals who don’t know about all my foibles because I’m really good at hiding them, please accept my apologies.

I am deeply sorry!”

Tony Abbott finally acknowledges his baggage

Every so often The Blowfly is able to share a poignant moment with a politician.

In politics poignant moments are rare. Few come to mind.

Gough Whitlam shaking hands with Malcolm Fraser was one. Bob Hawke admitting he liked the grog too much was another. Malcolm Fraser conceding defeat to Bob Hawke because the drought had broken was memorable. Paul Keating showing Howard around The Lodge was also worthy. And John Howard being beaten in his own seat because he did not hand over to Costello was also a highlight in The Blowfly's perverse mind.

But today..............today it was Tony Abbott who was providing the poignant moment for The Blowfly.

I was able to be on Tony's shoulder when he went to see the NLP (neuro-linguistic programming) practitioner.

He'd been working up to it for some time.

You see Tony had realised that he was carrying a lot of baggage from the Howard era-----not to mention his Catholic education and his short stint training as a priest!

It was starting to get him down.

Because he was not Howard. Not Howard!

Howard could pull things out of a hat. Tampa. The 'guns buyback'.The GST.The $10 billion to spend on the Murray Darling.

But unfortunately for Tony he could not even get things into a hat...............his ears got in the way!

And he realised that he had not had a constructive thought to take our nation forward for over a decade.

That didn't mean he wasn't playing to his strengths...........it's just that he had resolved with his God that he was going to be positive in 2011 and position himself as a 'statesman'..........much in the way that Howard had intended for himself but blew it when pride got in the way and he did not execute his succession plan.

Abbott has more at stake and there is more presure!

Abbott has Turnbull breathing down his neck. Imagine that! A personal fortune of over $140 million to fund his endeavours.

Tony just has his parliamentary salary and the royalties from his book.Not much joy there!

His thoughts were starting to come through loud and clear.

"Why does Tony Windsor think I'm such a dickhead?.............why did those Independents not fall victim to my charms?...............what is so beguiling about a red-haired slow-talking woman who sounds 'wooden'?...........why does she talk so slow?...............why doesn't Malcolm love me anymore?..........why am I getting hammered so much about my negative approach?...........it's not really negative ..............its just what Johnny taught me................and then Janette told me I would have her support if I didn't change anything......................and oh shit........... why is Laurie Oakes starting to be kinder to Julia?" His jaw dropped as he walked to his appointment.

She was a nice lady.......... the NLP practitioner. Well-groomed. Neat.

"So how can I help you Mr Abbott?" she asked.

"Well err ahh err", he stammered', "I haven't had a positive thought or idea since Julia became Prime Minister.I err ahh err want to become positive again................ like Malcolm is!"

And that was the poignant moment for The Blowfly!

He finally admitted what we all knew! He was a SNAG after all.

The words of Winston Churchill come into The Blowfly's mind: "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire"

The 'Terminator's' game is up! He now needs ideas to save him.

The Blowfly has never been a great fan of Laurie Oakes but none-the-less respects his views simply because he has been around so long.

Laurie has been a good mate of KRudd's because he was the recipient of numerous leaks and telephone briefings by KRudd during his time as PM.

Naturally Laurie was a little put out when KRudd was axed because his inside 'source' was now no more. And Laurie's writings reflected him being put out.

But he is mellowing to Julia!

During this week he managed to coin the term 'old Julia' and 'old Tony'.

This was a pat on the back for Julia and a kick in the pants for Tony.

You see 'old Julia' was a good parliamentary performer who 'had the wood' on the Opposition and took great delight in burying them. However during the election campaign she lost her way and started to play the way the 'spin doctors' determined.

Tony, on the other hand, has always been a head-kicker who was never really displayed a lot of creativity ----inside Parliament or out!

However Tony thought that his 'Terminator-like' behaviour during the campaign and his silken-tongued approach to the Independents might well have changed perceptions of him.But it didn't!

The fact that one of his own, Peter Slipper, did a deal to be deputy-speaker was a little disconcerting for 'our Tony'. Some of his rank-and-file are maybe disconcerted as well about the way he conducts himself.

The Blowfly returns to the words of Sir Robert Menzies in 1946: "In the long run there can be no high politics unless all parties have a sense of direction. We need to return to politics as a clash of principles, and to get away from the notion that it is a clash only of warring personalities."

The problem is that Tony Abbott has has no schooling in principles that will be useful to him. His mentor, John Howard, sought mainly to do what was popular rather than what was right.

'The redhead' will do better at extracting value from this situation than 'the Monk'.

And Laurie Oakes is starting to see that! That's why he is softening.

Paul Lyneham once described a 'cliffhanger election' as "when the vote is finely balanced between anger at the Government and fear of the Opposition".

So true!

The Blowfly sees that the electorate will only become more fearful of the Opposition as Tony displays his aggressive, destructive behaviour and Julia displays her conciliatory behaviour.

And still he has not shown us his vision for our country!

At least the Government has the NBN---whether you agree with it or not---and that does stake a claim as being visionary!

But Abbott is going to tear it down! So he says! And confirm that he is a destroyer rather than a builder.Just what our nation needs!

The Blowfly is reminded of the words of L. Peter: " If you don't know where you are going you will end up somewhere else".

Abbott is just waiting for the Government to stumble.

He should remember the words of Forbes:"Kill time and you kill your career".