The Dreams of Clive Palmer

The Blowfly has resolved that he will stay away from rotting mushrooms in the future.

During last week he hoed into a stack of mushrooms that were left over from the Parliamentary Ball and had been thrown into the garbage tins underneath Parliament House.

They produced a tummy ache and some rather unusual dreams.

Let me try to share the essence of those dreams with you because they were really freaky.

Firstly Clive Palmer featured heavily (not a pun!) and had become the spiritual leader of the Liberal Party.

This had something to do with the fact that he was the only person from that side of politics who had some creative thoughts about how to solve the asylum-seeker impasse that brought politics to a standstill last week.

Clive reckoned, in the dream, that we should get the asylum seekers onto planes and bring them to Australia cheaply and safely.

Presently asylum seekers are paying around $6000 to $8000 of their very, very hard-earned dollars to get on boats which certainly don’t look seaworthy by Australian standards.

In the dream Clive had a grand plan.

He knew that the expansion of our mining industry was contingent upon the availability of labor and he reckoned allowing asylum seekers to come here cheaply would solve 2 problems.

Firstly it would break the people smugglers’ business model.

No one would get onto old, leaking fishing boats rather than fly Qantas. The people smugglers would go out of business.

And then there was all the hoo-haa about Gina’s Enterprise Migration Agreement and the 1700 workers she was going to bring in for the Roy Hill project.

Clive figured we’d be a lot better with the asylum-seekers who would really appreciate our country ----especially the remote mining sites in WA and QLD!

Now that was the other bit of brilliance in Clive’s plan!

The asylum-seekers would only be allowed to settle in the mining areas of those 2 states. It would be a condition of their ‘Special Northern Settlement Visas’.

Many of these workers would need training but Clive had worked out that he could tap into the under-funded TAFE resources in Victoria. While they were closing down courses and relieving our society of the burdens of highly trained TAFE teachers Clive could utilize them profitably.

Now there was even more largesse to Clive’s thinking.

Some of you might know that he has plans to build the Titanic 2 in Asia.

Well Clive is no mug and what he did (in the dream) was to use the Titanic 2 to up the ante and bring asylum-seekers in 1500 at a time----in style!

He’s old fashioned and he knew that if they were treated right they would never go back---no matter how badly we treated them!

In the dream he’d even thought through the logistics of  processing such large numbers of asylum seekers and refugees.

They would be processed on the Titanic 2 as they came out.

And the Titanic 2 was going to land them in Gladstone and Kurratha and Dampier because if you brought them through the capital cities they would get distracted and want more from their lives.

So that was one dream.

In the other dream Clive had actually became the Leader of the Federal Opposition.

Clive had neatly positioned himself as the ‘ideas-person’ in the Liberal Party.

This wasn’t all that difficult because Tony Abbott had grid-locked the political system by saying NO to everything so anyone in the Liberal Party who thought for themselves really stood out.(Malcolm Turnbull could think for himself but when he admitted that they would not pull the NBN down when they came to government Tony Abbott banished him to the boondocks for heresy----after consulting George Pell as to what heresy was)

Anyway, in the dream, there was a well-organised handover of power to Clive.

I wasn’t quite able to discern or recall from the dream why Abbott capitulated to Clive but I do have this faint recollection of Mal Brough and Peter Slipper, in the dream, and a person with a wig on----so it may have had something to do with that illustrious peace of our history.

So you will understand why The Blowfly will never, ever tackle rotten mushrooms again----and that is the ‘gospel’ truth!

However….

The Blowfly has often been told that dreams are to be watched closely because they are very revealing and offer subtle guidance.

Interestingly enough I sense that Tony Abbott has also had a premonition about Clive taking over from him.

You will notice that Tony Abbott has been extremely adamant recently that “no government he leads will have a carbon tax”.

The Blowfly believes that, although Tony is a polished hypocrite and mis-representer of the facts, he can make that statement about the carbon tax with a straight face because he knows he is going to be rolled by Clive Palmer before the next election.

I hear you all say: “In your dreams, Blowfly, in your dreams!”

Turnbull the Messiah: Preparing for the Second Coming

Today The Blowfly is astride the shoulders of Malcolm Turnbull.

Malcolm is out for his early morning walk across Sydney Harbour.

One of the advantages of being a Messiah is being able to walk on water!

As he walks across the Harbour he spots some fishermen close by.

Their faces are forlorn because the fish are not biting.

Malcolm calls out to them: “Throw your lines over the other side.”

That is another advantage of being a Messiah------you know where the fish are biting.

And when you are a Messiah you also have a very strong sense of your own destiny.

You know you are born to lead. You know you can be patient in respect to your divine right.

You know that that the pragmatists in the Liberal Party are simply mortals who are ignorant of the workings of the Universe.

You are the Master!

You know about information technology because you made your fortune out of it.

You know about the dynamics of the financial world because of your work with Goldman Sachs.

You know about water because you were the minister for it in the Howard Government.

And you know about Sydney because your wife was the Lord Mayor.

In fact you know about most things.

Except you are not sure how you came to be rolled by your Party for the leadership! And by one vote! You ponder whether it was Peter slipper's vote.

Being a Messiah, you are the bearer of the conscience of the Liberal Party and your destiny, so you think, is to return the pragmatists and ideologically uncommitted to true Liberalism.

The conscience of the Liberal Party was passed to you in a dream by the spirit of Sir Robert Menzies some years ago. You were holidaying in the Bahamas and sipping expensive champagne.

Whilst it is that you are presently experiencing a sort of purgatory because you are not totally in the limelight you are also aware of the illusion that is being created by your ‘leader’, Tony Abbott.

He thinks he is in charge.

But you smile a wry smile. You know who is in charge, don’t you?

You whimsically dismiss the little voice in your head that says, “George Pell”.

You suspect that George Pell at least has a shoe-in because you and Tony are both Catholics.

But after watching Q and A recently you think you might prefer to listen to Richard Dawkins.

“Life is full of mystery”, The Blowfly thinks.

Tony Abbott's great sense of humour!

This week The Blowfly finds himself completely at odds with Laurie Oakes and the rest of the Australian press gallery.

Tony Abbott copped a caning from the media regarding his remarks about the sunken Italian cruise liner. He wittingly brought it into the asylum seeker debate. He referred to it as ‘one boat they could not turn back.’

Laurie Oakes said that “the bloke just doesn’t get it.”

Hopefully Laurie and the media do not set the benchmark on what is appropriate , what is funny and what is not.

Blowflies often find humour in misfortune. Especially other people’s!

Tony Abbott has a wonderful sense of humour and, given the state of Australian politics, we need lashings of it regularly.

Tony has made The Blowfly laugh on many occasions.

Who could ever forget the television interview where Tony tried to explain the difference between the ‘truth’ and the ‘gospel truth’.

That was funny!

And then there was the interview with Kerry O’Brien where he tried to explain the details of his telecommunications policy.

That was hilarious!

But there is more!

“What housewives need to understand while they’re doing the ironing is that if they get it done commercially it’s going to go up in price, and their own power bills are going to go up every year when they switch the iron off.”

"I think there does need to be give and take on both sides, and this idea that sex is kind of a woman’s right to absolutely withhold, just as the idea that sex is a man’s right to demand I think they both need to be moderated, so to speak.”

Are you laughing yet?

“I am giving you the most definite commitment any politician can give that this tax will go. This is a pledge in blood this tax will go.”

“The only thing I wouldn’t do is sell my arse---but I’d have to give serious thought to it.”

To Malcolm Turnbull on climate change: “I know I’m a bit of a weather vane on this.”
Surely you are laughing now!

“….Jesus didn’t say yes to everyone. I mean Jesus knew that there was a place for everything and it is not necessarily everyone’s place to come to Australia.”

“….we just can’t stop people from being homeless if that’s their choice….”

On whether a national celibacy campaign would help counter the rise in teen sexual activity, sexual infections and pregnancies: “I think that it’s very important that we empower people to reject this kind of rampant sensuality.”

Now for the one that brings tears to your eyes.

“I think it would be folly to expect that women will ever dominate or even approach equal representation in a large number of areas simply because their aptitudes, abilities and interests are different for physiological reasons.”

I think we should leave the final word to the illustrious humorist George W Bush: "See in my line of work you got to keep repeating things over and over again for the truth to sink in, to kind of catapult the propaganda.”

The Blowfly could not have said it better.

The Prime Minister's New Year's Resolutions: A Secret Insight!

The Blowfly has recently been curious about the thoughts of our Prime Minister as she faces 2012.

Although an atheist the PM still has her spiritual side and, she knows, like most others, that 2012 has special significance. She knows that 2012 is likely to be a year of huge change. Even though there are prophets of doom who cling to the Mayan calendar finishing on 21 December 2012 our PM is not inclined that way.

Recently The Blowfly was able to look over her shoulder in the lead-up the New Year’s Day while she was pencilling in her resolutions for 2012. Here is a summary, as best The Blowfly can recall.

1. Keep making Tony Abbott look as though he is doing his job extremely well.
Her thinking here was quite simple. She recalled that one post-election analysis showed that if Malcolm Turnbull had lead the Coalition to the last election then the ALP would’ve lost. She knows she is onto a winner by keeping Abbott as the Liberal leader. She finds it galling to make Tony look good but she is a big picture person and the means justify the ends. As well she loves sparring with another home-grown Pom---- especially a Rhodes Scholar who believes in God!

2. Keep a close eye on Kevin Rudd
As nice as it was to see the levers of power removed from this megalomaniac she figures that he could still do some damage, especially if he has too much to drink and walks into a strip club. She started learning Mandarin but after a couple of lessons gave up because Tim couldn’t stop laughing as she practised some sample phrases with her slow nasal drawl.

3. Get to know what is going on in Bob Brown’s head
She realises that the Greens have made inroads into the hearts and minds of radical Labor voters and she would like to think she could lure some back with some radical policy initiatives----which don’t come naturally to her! As well she would genuinely like to understand what possesses gay couples to aspire to marriage. She’s still struggling with why heterosexual couples aspire to marriage.

4. Forge a more meaningful relationship with my new best friend, Barack Obama
Her thinking here that she finds him an adorable hunk and she would like to see more of him. She knows that the US is in deep manure economically. She is keeping her eyes open for some new technologies which she might be able to share with Barack so that the US could generate new revenues to stimulate their economy. And she realises the great debt we have to the US for Facebook, Twitter, Coke, Pepsi, Collateralised Debt Obligations, Goldman Sachs, McDonalds, KFC and rap-dancing. As well it’s a quasi apology for Rupert Murdoch!

5. Get a new speech-writer
She realises that her ALP Annual Conference speech was a shocker. She is hoping to find someone with a turn of phrase like Paul Keating’s but blended with a strand of Bob Hope’s humour. Andrew Denton was one who came into her head. As did Norman Gunston!

The Blowfly reckons 2012 should be a real hoot.

Top secret ALP strategy on climate change revealed.REPOSTED DUE TO RELEVANCE

The Blowfly has discovered why the Gillard Government appears to be making such hard work of climate change.

The Government is secretly working on a number of other initiatives that, when they come to fruition, will place Australia at the forefront of green and sustainable energy technologies.

Other countries will be looking to Australia to meet their greenhouse emission targets.

Australian taxpayers and, particularly, big business think that the present pre-emptive strategy of going it alone will send jobs offshore.

WRONG!

This highly secret Government strategy will have jobs flooding into Australia. And we will need all the refugees we can get just to keep up with the demand!

It all started with Kevin. Kevin 747.

He appeared to have botched the show at Copenhagen.

But then along came Malcolm Turnbull who offered Kevvie a deal on getting the ETS through Parliament. Kevvie got all excited. You see , Malcolm is a business man. He used to work with Goldman Sachs. He knows all the tricks.

Malcolm suggested that the Government be seen to be going down the hard road---ETS, carbon tax etc---but really be siphoning off large amounts of R&D into a number of highly beneficial, strategic areas. Our new technologies could then be sold to the rest of the world. Australia would be sitting pretty, supplying technologies to the rest of the world to enable them to meet their emissions targets.

The Blowfly, during his recent forays into Parliament House, discovered some of the technologies that are being secretly brought forward.

Firstly there is ‘oceanpower’. This includes all forms of energy emanating from the oceans: tidal, waves, currents, temperature and salinity gradients (whatever they are). Several large wave/tidal farms are presently planned for our coastline (see www.oceanlinx.com).

Secondly there is ‘solar thermal’. This is where the sun’s heat is used to make steam or a very hot fluid. This is then used to turn a turbine and create electricity (see www.ausra.com)

Thirdly there is ‘geothermal’. Australia has enough geothermal energy to power our nation for at least 100 years from just one site in central Australia (see www.geodynamics.com.au)

Fourthly there is ‘solar thermal and ammonia storage’. This intriguing technology will allow renewable fuels to be generated and exported. Japan could be powered from solar energy collected from Australia’s arid areas (see www.wizardpower.com.au)

And then there is the ‘king hit’! ‘Muon catalysed fusion’. Currently a one gigawatt power plant burns 4.4 million tons of coal to operate for a year, producing many thousands of kilograms of carbon dioxide, nitrogen dioxide etc. The only fuel used in the muon catalysed fusion creation process is deuterium - a naturally occurring molecule abundantly available in sea water - and only 150kg of deuterium would be required to run a power plant of comparable size - without emitting any climate change gases. This requires 2 Olympic swimming pools of sea water. Dramatically reduced reliance on coal, amazingly inexpensive retro-fitting of existing power stations and the regional dispersal of power stations would follow (see www.starscientific.com.au).

At some stage just before the next Federal election in 2013 Julia Gillard will call a press conference and announce the grand plan. Malcolm Turnbull will be appointed as the Managing Director of the Australian National Energy Organisation. At the ensuing election the ALP will be returned with a majority of its own and the ‘hung’ parliament will be no more.

And Tony Abbott? Well Tony Abbott will simply be free to lead the Opposition to another 3 years in the wilderness dreaming up three word slogans and criticizing everything in sight.

Unlike climate, some things will never change!

Malcolm Turnbull's Dilemma.

The Blowfly would like you to put yourself in the shoes of one Malcolm Turnbull, Federal Member for Wentworth and shadow Minister for Communications and Broadband.

It is just over 2 years since the spill motion against you and you lost the leadership of the Liberal Party.

You lost 42 votes to 41 to Tony Abbott. Peter Slipper is now the Speaker. He reckons he voted for Abbott. That makes it 41 votes each.

You were the managing director of Goldman Sachs operation in Australia before you went into politics. You sold your stake in Ozemail for $60 million in 1999. You have been listed in the BRW’s Rich 200 list for a few years and are the only sitting politician to have that honour.

You have recently been on a diet and you are looking mean and lean.

You are playing the waiting game.

As you survey the political landscape looking for a chance to advance your ever-present interests you ponder the lot of some of your colleagues.

You look at the job that Hockey and Robb are doing and you roll your eyes. And then you roll them again. And again!

You ponder how the Coalition got out of economic-jail at the last election simply by losing it.

The $11.5 billion black hole in the election promises costings has now been stretched beyond all means. The Labor Government is struggling to reform the economy----but succeeding none-the-less!

And the black hole has been exacerbated by your own Leader who has not only promised to repeal those reform measures but has committed to keeping much of the new income streams for the populace. Most economists now say that the black hole is in the vicinity of $70 billion.

You remember reading an article recently which described the discovery of a black hole ’10 times the size of our solar system into which billions of suns have vanished like a guilty thought.’ You think you may know of a similar black hole.

You wonder if the strategies presently pursued by Tony Abbott will amount to anything at all.

You wonder when your colleagues are going to be sufficiently fearful of Abbott’s leadership that they might tap you on the shoulder.

You were always one to think big!

But if you can’t be Leader you want to be Treasurer.

And sometimes when you are in a darker mood you wonder whether Tony Abbott will have the courage to approach you to be the Shadow Treasurer. You know you could whip Wayne Swan .You know that you could help steer the Coalition to victory. And Hockey would eat your dust!

After all you live in Vaucluse. You have manners. You have found Catholicism. You know how iPhones work. And, even better, you have strong links into Goldman Sachs. They run and finance the world and you could be useful to them. Even more important than Mark Arbib is to the US!

But really! Would you want to serve as a Treasurer to ‘Prime Minister’ Abbott?

Could you really hack his political hypocrisy?

Oh dear me, what is a silver-tail to do?

Malcolm Turnbull's guardian angel is on the ball!

Let’s imagine for a moment that you are Malcolm Turnbull’s guardian angel.

Life has been rather challenging for you of late.

You have been trying to guide Malcolm to fulfill his life’s purpose but it seems to him that he is really up against it. You perceive that he has retreated into his shell a little!

You had him on a roll a few years ago when he was leader of the Liberal Party.

Not only had he been able to instil some intellectual rigor into the economic debate but he had shown unprecedented leadership by negotiating a bipartisan approach to an emissions trading scheme with Kevin Rudd.

But then the Old World Order got at him. And the business lobby! The forces for capitalism!

This caused Malcolm to have second thoughts about his whole life.

He had previously viewed himself as part of the Old World Order-----and, for that matter, a member of the business lobby.

He was, after all, a self-made squillionaire who had risen to wealth utilising good connections, a sound intellect and the new opportunities afforded by the internet.

And he had also done the bidding of Goldman Sachs!

How close could a parliamentarian have been to the Old World Order?

But by some strange quirk of destiny the forces of capitalism and the business lobby decided that their interests could be best expressed through a Jesuit-influenced, Catholic Rhodes Scholar with a reputation for pugilism and being a disciple of his former Liberal leader, John Howard.

The Old World Order thought that such a background would mean an unparalleled devotion to resisting change and retaining wealth in the hands of those who already possessed it.

Malcolm, bless his soul, was confused about the end game.

You, as his guardian angel, knew that a carbon tax was going to rearrange the wealth in our society, create employment and stimulate innovation.

You also knew that Alan Jones and Andrew Bolt and all the nay-sayers would just view this issue in terms of climate change and that we were a small nation and could make no difference etc etc.

But the boys (and girls) in the higher realms are always trying to work miracles and open things up for future generations.

So, with the powers vested in you by the archangels, you have been adroitly guiding Malcolm towards his destiny.

You have helped him lose weight and keep his counsel on his real thoughts until the big moment arrives.

The moment when the populace, ready for a change from Labor, is almost certainly going to vote in a Coalition Government.

The moment when the business lobby sees their best interests as served by changing our economy over to cheaper and cleaner energy sources.

The moment when the New World Order seeks a leader for the future.

The moment when , standing in front of a television journalist uttering senseless three-word slogans in a policy-free zone, Tony Abbott pulls out 2 big shotguns and shoots himself firmly in both feet for the evening news-viewers of Australia to see for themselves.

Being a guardian angel is such rewarding work. But you have to be patient!

The Coalition's economic Shadow

The Blowfly asks that you imagine a previous life.

You were a Roman emperor used to a life of gluttony, being eternally right and experiencing excess to the full.

The Universe has now invited you to be born again and, specifically, to learn humility.

You choose the life before you carefully.

The second of August 1965 seems like a nice day.

You are born of Armenian and Palestinian parents in North Sydney. You have 3 older siblings , attend St Aloysius College and the University of Sydney where you gain an Arts/Law degree. You become President of the SRC and then move into banking and finance before becoming the Director of Policy to the Premier of NSW before entering politics.

You choose politics because it will provide the greatest opportunity to learn humility.
Your first major opportunity comes when John Howard appoints you as a Minister and then you are appointed to Cabinet as the Minister for Employment and Workplace Relations.

You regularly sharpen your wits by appearing on Sunrise with Kochie and Mel and the new shining light of the ALP. He is tough going and while you can see right through him, many Australians can’t.

The ALP’s new messiah goes onto win the election and you start to learn humility----but not before you’ve learned about endurance and muscle pain by walking the Kokoda Trail and then Mt Kiliminjaro.

In due course your leader is Malcolm Turnbull. His style basically suits you. He is a big thinker and he encourages you to do like-wise.

Then shit happens. Tony Abbott becomes the new Opposition leader.

It is a two-edged sword for you. You are now the Shadow Treasurer. It is almost what you’ve always wanted. But you still don’t have the levers of power in your hands. You are now learning about patience----and, oh, economics!

Then Tony Abbott tells you that the only way an Opposition can behave is to disagree with the Government on every damned issue, say ‘No,No,No’ and talk a strong economy down.

You try to get into the swing of this strategy but you struggle and people start to question your economic knowledge. You learn even more humility.

The day comes when you make the most embarrassing gaffe of your career.

Wayne Swan has been named Euromoney magazine’s Finance Minister of the Year. You think he is a total tool. Anyone who comes from Queensland is a total tool---except Bob Katter of course! Oh----and Barnaby Joyce!

You ridicule Wayne Swan in Parliament by drawing attention to the fact that other recipients of this award were from Pakistan and Nigeria.

Unfortunately you have not done your homework.

The Pakistani executed a far-reaching program of economic reform which, for several years, made Pakistan second only to China in terms of economic robustness. Later he served as Prime Minister for 2 years.

The Nigerian negotiated a large debt write-off for her country, and subsequently served as managing director of the World Bank for 5 years, before serving as Finance Minister again.

Now you will understand why ‘being Joe Hockey’ really sucks!

The Blowfly suspects that if there are more opportunities to learn humility this Shadow Treasurer will somehow find them.

The 2 Amigos: Rudd and Turnbull: Thorns in their Leader's sides!

The Blowfly has heard a lot about ‘pairs’ lately.

Tony Abbott won’t grant them except in extraordinary circumstances. It is all part of his push towards a ‘quieter, gently polity’.

But there is one pair that he can do nothing about.

One pair that is troubling their leaders simply because they can’t be bought.

They are simply thorns.

Thorns because of the size of their egos.

This pair will simply not go away no matter how much their parties want them to.

A pair who, although on opposite sides of politics, are joined by their striking similarities.

Their successful wives, their needs to control, their arrogance, their charm (when it is imperative) and their capacities to master the detail of an issue.

They also have a capacity to say ‘sorry’.

One advised John Howard to say ‘sorry’ (before Howard lost the election) but was ignored.

The other made it one of his first acts to say ‘sorry’ to the indigenous people of our country.

Both were poor listeners.

One in respect to his ministers and advisers. The other in respect to his peers during the push for a republic and then again in respect to a response to climate change.

Both were enamoured of an emissions trading scheme and one was prepared to undertake bipartisanship to see it through the Parliament.

Both paid the price!

One because he had supported the other and the other because he faltered in getting it through.

Both were ditched by their colleagues in their respective primes.

Now they both sit in the wilderness.

They licked their wounds initially but now they sit patiently waiting for their turns to come again.

They are still possessed of their charms (when imperative).

They are still possessed of huge intellectual capacities.

And they have learned valuable lessons.

They are both ready to lead their country. Both are more popular than their leaders in the opinion polls and both have adopted a modesty that is exemplary.

During this last week one of them even told the media that the rise of the other was inevitable.

One took himself off the speaking list on the carbon tax debate and asked that we make nothing of it. But we know why he did it. Don’t we? He knows that we need a carbon price so that we can move to an emissions trading scheme.

The other is nursing a new heart valve and is looking really chipper. So chipper he is making his colleagues feel slightly edgy.

One has lost a lot of weight and appears to be leaner and meaner than ever before. We know why he has lost the weight don’t we? When you are preparing for battle you need to be fit.

So what is to become of Kevin Rudd and Malcolm Turnbull?

While it would be disastrous for Rudd to have the levers of power again Turnbull would be an interesting experiment in leadership.

The Blowfly recalls the words of Lichtenberg: “Human life falls into two halves, in the first, we wish for the second to arrive, in the second, we wish for the first to return.”

It is possible that both are in the second.

More irony in Australian politics might make it bearable

The Blowfly found that the most entertaining feature of last week’s political events was the revelation that Bob Katter’s half brother was gay.

He came forward after the colorful north Queensland MP appeared at an anti-gay marriage rally.

This got The Blowfly thinking.

Politics has become so vitriolic in this country because of the hung parliament and the pugilistic Jesuit-type tactics of the Opposition. Most of the population are looking for light relief.

The Blowfly realises that God is a busy entity but he wonders whether He/She/It would serve humanity’s best interests by giving us more irony in politics.

This, at least, would make Australian politics more bearable.

Here are some scenarios that The Blowfly hopes might come to fruition in order to lighten our loads a little.

Hope 1. Julia Gillard’s long lost half sister turns up in the ‘old country’. She is a Quaker, runs a successful wedding planning business and has been married for over 30 years. She speaks the ‘Queen’s English', is blonde and can cook.

Hope 2. Tony Abbott’s half brother is a visionary thinker and community builder for the Uniting Church. He talks gently to women, is IT savvy having 3000 Facebook friends, has never told a lie in his life, has never thought of offering his backside to get what he wants and is a member of the Greens.

Hope 3. Joe Hockey’s half sister is an economist and personal trainer. She makes sense when she talks on economic matters. It just so happens that she is also Andrew Robb’s half sister and David Koch’s niece.

Hope 4. Julie Bishop’s half brother was found wandering naked in a cave near Esperance in Western Australia. It appears that he was raised by a family of stray cats. He can’t remember his sister escaping from the cave when he was 5 months old. Now you know where ‘the look’ comes from!

Hope 5. Craig Thomson’s long lost twin brother turns out to have an identical signature and has an abnormally high sex drive. He turns out to have stolen his Parliamentary brother’s identity and credit cards. Unlike his brother, who chaired the Parliamentary Economics Committee, he had time to visit brothels at all hours. Craig has bailed his half brother out previously but it cost him a fortune in legal fees.

Hope 6. The search for Malcolm Turnbull’s half brother took an unusual turn. He turned out to be Mike Quigley, the CEO of the National Broadband Network company. This was one of the reasons that Malcolm could not bring himself to tear it down. His half-brother’s half brother presently runs Goldman Sachs. This was a motivation for Malcolm’s policy position before the Old World Order got him.

Hope 7. Penny Wong’s half brother turned out to be Irish comedian Jimeon. Both of them are still getting used to the idea. DNA tests are being performed.

The Blowfly also remembers the words of George Bernard Shaw: “My way of joking is to tell the truth. It’s the funniest joke in the world.”

And so it is with Australian politics!

What some of the players are REALLY thinking about the Carbon Tax

The Blowfly loves reading other people’s minds when they are not aware of it.

This provides him with with an enormous advantage and, sometimes, a good laugh.

The Blowfly has been wondering what some of the key players really think about the CARBON TAX when they are not in front of the cameras.

Last week The Blowfly polished his antennae and tuned them into an array of politicians, and others, who were thinking about this ‘big new tax’. Here is a summary of the results:

• Julia Gillard: “This tax could well be the end of me. I thought being a red-head would be enough. I wish I had a better speech writer. I hope Tim won’t leave me if I lose office.”

• Tony Abbott: “It’s really getting difficult to remember what I last promised and what my last position on political issues is. It’s hard telling the gospel truth all the time. Do I support the science of climate change or not? Does it matter----as long as I get into power and fulfil my Liberal destiny! What did they teach me at the Seminary about climate change? Who was Copernicus? What’s the latest---- is the Earth flat or round? I love scaring voters! They’re so gullible.”

• Malcolm Turnbull: ”If I play this one right I could be PM within 2 years. Thank you Julia! Abbott is such an idiot. I live in Vaucluse and I’m ungaggable!”

• Joe Hockey: “If I play this one right I could be Turnbull’s deputy within 2 years. Thank you Julia! Abbott is such an idiot. I live in North Sydney and I love economics.”

• Intoxicated poker machine player in the St George Leagues Club: ”Why are these pollsters always asking me questions about which male politician would I prefer as PM?”

• Archbishop George Pell: ”Should I refer this tax to the Pope? He is infallible! What do the Illuminati think? I hope it won’t affect priest numbers. Thankfully they decided not to tax paedophilia! Golly, when I first heard them say they were going to put a tax on emissions I shuddered because I thought was that it might apply to the emissions of my priests and that would be costly.”

• Rupert Murdoch: ”I wish my journalists were all psychics like The Blowfly. Then they wouldn’t have to do phone taps to get stories to sell newspapers. ”

• John Howard: ”Luckily, during my political career I learnt to lie with a straight face. And not feel guilty except for not worshipping Janette daily. I can openly support the Coalition in their stance on this tax although I said that a carbon tax and an ETS were the best things since sliced bread going into my last election. I love scaring voters! They’re so gullible.”

• Andrew Horvath, CEO, Star Scientific,(www.starscientific.com.au) developers of the new technology muon-catalysed fusion: ”We are going to make a motza outta this. Our new technology will allow coal-powered power stations to be retrofitted for $50 million and only require 2 swimming pools of sea water to drive them for a year instead of 4 million tonnes of coal.”

The Blowfly recalls the wise words of George W Bush: “The future will be better tomorrow.”

The Dreamtime of Tony Abbott

A frantic sense of terror ran through his whole body. He was bathed in sweat. His heart was racing. He could not find refuge.

He ran up the front steps of the Treasury building but the doors were firmly shut. And then to Defence! But everywhere was shut. No doors opened to him.

Then he saw Malcolm Turnbull sitting on a park bench reading the latest Liberal leadership results on his iPad. Malcolm was awash with $100 notes and seemed leaner, meaner and soooo serene. Malcolm noticed his agitated state and smiled.

“Do you want me to take that lovely field-marshall’s baton from you? I could handle it. I was born to rule. I’m from Vaucluse and I have a vision!” exclaimed Malcolm.

Grabbing the baton tighter he turned on his heel but was confronted by Joe Hockey who was carrying a number of totally empty baskets up the Kokoda track. Joe urged him to walk Kokoda with him to get fitter.

Past Joe he ran into a mass of wire, cords and cables. It was the National Broadband Network that he had helped pull down. Someone had left it out on the footpath for ‘garbage-night’ and he’d stumbled into it.

He waved his arms and legs in the air valiantly trying to free himself but became further entwined in the mire of electronic leftovers----- much like quicksand consumes its guests!

His terror elevated.

The ghost of Lord Baden-Powell , founder of the Scout movement came at him. Baden-Powell was holding a huge sign-----‘BE PREPARED’. These words ran through his head again and again. “BE PREPARED. BE PREPARED. BE PREPARED.”

Straining for sanity he recalled the tricks he used at the seminary to remove lustful thoughts from his head but none worked this time.

He splashed ‘holy water’ on his head but no relief came.

He fell to his knees and started to pray.

He screamed “Lord, why have you forsaken me?”

As tears flowed freely down his emaciated face the clouds above him opened and the voice of the Lord bellowed.

“Because you spent 3 years criticising, 2 years calling for an election and no time at all developing policies for the future of your Nation. You sir, should be ashamed of yourself! Just like John Howard YOU FAILED TO PLAN. Return to the Seminary! ”

At that point scabs fell from his eyes and they slowly opened.

He saw again.

But all Tony Abbott could see was the ceiling. And it needed painting!

It had been a bad dream. A nightmare! One of the worst!

As his awareness returned he realised that he’d soiled his pyjamas.

On the bedhead, The Blowfly had enjoyed the performance and, realised the fine line between a dream and reality.

If Julia Gillard did, for some strange reason, call Tony Abbott’s bluff and hold an election now----as Tony Abbott has called for----- he would indeed soil his pyjamas!

Because there is not a Coalition policy in sight! Not one!

Inside the Treasurer's head before the Budget

This was the Treasurer’s week and always wanting to be near the action The Blowfly attached his grubby little feet firmly to Wayne Swan’s shoulder and went for the ride of his life.

The Member for Lilley and Deputy Prime Minister has always impressed The Blowfly as one who has good taste in ties and, if anything, undersells his capacities----especially his economic ones!

Initially I found him in the ante-room of his office doing his morning brain exercises so he could be prepared for those tricky questions from the journalists.

He is working his way through some discussion questions in a study guide to a standard text on Microeconomics. He is wrestling with one particular question. Question 9.

“How can present resource allocation decisions influence an economy’s rate of economic growth?”

The Blowfly tunes into the Treasurer’s innermost thoughts.

“Well let’s see now………… a government is able to allocate resources in its budgetary process……….that much I know………….so I suppose if we need growth we could allocate some resources to training………...especially for the mining industry……….. that’s going gang-busters presently……….although Treasury is telling me that we might have to import some Indians to cope …………it’s a pity that we can’t train all those asylum-seekers who want to come here………..although we don’t want too much growth because that will cause inflation………and then the Reserve Bank will put interest rates up…….so I don’t suppose we want too many asylum-seekers………...and then with high interest rates and too many asylum-seekers our electoral prospects will plummet………….further………….if that’s possible?...........so perhaps we need to find some ways of reducing productivity by allocating resources………….…….those free set-top boxes for pensioners should do the trick there..............that will get us the pensioner vote and at the same time reduce inflation………..and growth……………especially if Gerry Harvey can do it cheaper………..I love getting up his nose…………talk about a technophobe…………….God I’m brilliant…………stuff those public servants and economists……….these questions are too bloody easy for an intelligent Queenslander like me………….”

He then turns his thoughts to a more pressing matter.

“How can I make the budget speech more interesting?”

“Dancing girls?..........Powerpoint?..........wear a pink tie?.........”

“Maybe I just leave it as it is and let that wanker Abbott spice it up a bit?”

“He doesn’t know anything about economics…………so much for being a Rhodes Scholar……….. when he gives his budget reply he’ll probably just go on with all that negative crap as he usually does…….. he’ll probably concentrate on his vision for Australia……….heh!heh!heh!.........I reckon those Liberals are just putting him out there to wear us down.”

“It’s interesting that Malcolm is more popular than he is as Opposition leader……….. those guys really do want to win……….. it wouldn’t surprise me that they are wheeling Abbott up as the negative bogey-man blazing away at us and then just before the election when they need to annunciate their policies they will replace him with that silver-tongued Turnbull……... he , at least, can put two positive words together.”

The Treasurer, still thinking about the Opposition leader, recalls the words of Abraham Lincoln: “Abbott can compress the most words into the smallest ideas better than any man I ever met.”

“God, this week is going to be a hoot! I feel so excited I could break a glass.”

Caught in a time-warp with Tony Abbott

During the week The Blowfly landed on Tony Abbott’s shoulder quite adroitly but found the surroundings quite bizarre---in a futuristic kind of way!

In due course I worked out that I’d skipped 40 years. It was the year 2051.
Tony Abbott was 93 and in a nursing home in Sydney.

The former Opposition leader was half awake and half dreaming-----much the same as he was after the 2010 election!

Tony was sitting on his exercise bike, blissfully gazing out the window, and pedaling for his ‘virtual daily ride’. He was also attending to his weekly confession---thus putting paid to the notion that men are not capable of doing 2 things at once---especially in their heads!

A funny little device attached to his ear was wirelessly feeding data to ‘Central Confessional’. Confessions were digitally recorded for posterity--- and retribution!---- by the few remaining Catholics on earth. It was a ritual known as the ‘Pell legacy.’

Tony’s thoughts were chaotic and a strange mixture of cycling, politics, jingoism and guilt (much the same as it was in 2010). This is what was going on in his mind:
“Forgive me Father for I have….er….um…(cough)….. sinned-----I feel guilty for not er…… cycling far enough yesterday……er….um…..these budgie-smugglers feel more like incontinence pads these days and it’s hard to keep them ….er….um….up……and dry …….and…….. I thought I saw a redhead yesterday….or was it last year?….or was it in 2011 at that rally?…..and I lusted after her……..I think her name was Pauline…..much prettier than that other bitch who buried me…….Julia…..how she kept that hung parliament together has always baffled me……if it was me I would’ve bullied them like John Howard used to do with his ministers…..and I thought that ‘great big lie’ line would’ve killed the carbon tax…… I’ll bet it was Malcolm who then alerted the press to all the lies I had told over the years……all that ‘gospel truth’ stuff really hurt me….…Christ!!!..... I almost rode into a virtual pot-hole……..I must be doing my ‘virtual ride’ in NSW……shit there’s another one……and another one…….I would’ve fixed them if I was Barry O’Farrell after he got that landslide win in 2011……I would’ve annunciated big targets like ‘no pot-holes for NSW’…….just like I promised a $1 billion hospital to Andrew Wilkie back in 2010…….and that damned Kristina Keneally……. who would’ve thought that her good looks would’ve made such a difference to the 2013 election result when she switched to a Federal seat…..even Malcolm didn’t see that coming…..but at least I was right about climate change……it was crap!.......but amazingly Aussies still adopted green technologies readily and generated a huge export industry……Jesus H Christ…..oops!.....sorry God…..forgive me for I have sinned again by taking your name in vain again…..oh shit…..er….um…and to think that the climate has actually got cooler……I never get the credit for that…..Tim Flannery still doesn’t talk to me when his wheelchair goes past…….zzzzzzzzzzzzz”. He fell asleep.

Then the lights in his room went out.

It was only then that The Blowfly realized that Tony’s exercise bike was hooked up to a generator and producing the power for his room.

And who said a carbon tax wouldn’t stimulate green technologies!

At home with Tim and Julia. Inside the PM's boudoir!

The Blowfly can reveal that he has finally managed to penetrate the inner sanctum of the Prime Minister---the PM's bedroom!

The Prime Ministerial boudoir hasn't seen a lot of action recently!

The weeks have been pretty hectic over the summer with the floods,the bush fires in Western Australia, the cricket , the matter of Egypt and ,of course, last weekend she had to be up at 'sparrows' to chair the health-reform meeting with the Premiers.

Our PM has been travelling to and fro bolstering the troops, understanding the damage and generally trying to give the 'Labor brand' as much airplay as possible. God help us! Both Anna Bligh and Kristina Kenneally need as much help as Julia can give them.

And frankly her love-life has suffered!

Tim has, bless his soul, been a very patient consort.Similar to Janette Howard I suspect!Not to mention Anita Keating! And Hazel! Dame Pattie!....Hell's bells there have been a stack of them when you really think about it!

So this Sunday morning The Blowfly finds himself securely nestled on the bedhead of the PM's marital bed.It ain't rockin' yet but you would not be surprised to see a bit of action in due course.

He is aware that Tim is stirring. Tim's eyes open. Tim looks around the room. He always does this just to establish his reality. He is still astounded that his hair-dressing days could've ended so magically and now he sleeps with the PM.

He looks at her lovingly.He smiles a gentle smile.

"I wonder if this is the 'real Julia Gillard'?" he thinks to himself.

The PM stirs. Her eyes open.She smiles at him.

"What are you looking at, sweetheart?" she says.

"I'm just wondering whether you are the 'real Julia Gillard' today" he says.

She smiles.

"The one who Barry Humphries says wears a pillow in the back of her dress?..... The one who Tony Abbott says is 'wooden'?....The one who follows the Western Bulldogs?.......The one who fell in love with a hairdresser?......The one who has been invited to Prince William's wedding and who will take her 'fancy man' with her?.......The one who took a back-seat while Anna Bligh got all the credit?......The one who has an arse-hole and control-freak as her Foreign Minister?.......The one who is holding a hung Parliament together........The one who loves it whenever Tony Abbott opens his mouth and who hopes like hell the Coalition doesn't replace their leader with Malcolm Turnbull anytime before the next election?............that one?" she drawled in her most droning tone.

"I love it when you talk 'dirty' to me!" said Tim. "Come here and give me a cuddle. I love slow-talking redheads."

Because this is a family blog The Blowfly is unable to describe more of this intimate interlude with interested readers----except for one moment which was a classic and demonstrated that our PM does indeed have a better sense of humour than any other PM or political leader of our time.

In the throes of passion (when The Blowfly was turned the other way of course) she was heard to moan:"Oh Warnie, Oh Warnie----you are fantastic!Was that your 'googly'? Do it again!Do it again!"

And then she burst out laughing!

But Tim had her measure."Stop laughing Liz.I haven't finished this over yet!"

Tony Abbott finally acknowledges his baggage

Every so often The Blowfly is able to share a poignant moment with a politician.

In politics poignant moments are rare. Few come to mind.

Gough Whitlam shaking hands with Malcolm Fraser was one. Bob Hawke admitting he liked the grog too much was another. Malcolm Fraser conceding defeat to Bob Hawke because the drought had broken was memorable. Paul Keating showing Howard around The Lodge was also worthy. And John Howard being beaten in his own seat because he did not hand over to Costello was also a highlight in The Blowfly's perverse mind.

But today..............today it was Tony Abbott who was providing the poignant moment for The Blowfly.

I was able to be on Tony's shoulder when he went to see the NLP (neuro-linguistic programming) practitioner.

He'd been working up to it for some time.

You see Tony had realised that he was carrying a lot of baggage from the Howard era-----not to mention his Catholic education and his short stint training as a priest!

It was starting to get him down.

Because he was not Howard. Not Howard!

Howard could pull things out of a hat. Tampa. The 'guns buyback'.The GST.The $10 billion to spend on the Murray Darling.

But unfortunately for Tony he could not even get things into a hat...............his ears got in the way!

And he realised that he had not had a constructive thought to take our nation forward for over a decade.

That didn't mean he wasn't playing to his strengths...........it's just that he had resolved with his God that he was going to be positive in 2011 and position himself as a 'statesman'..........much in the way that Howard had intended for himself but blew it when pride got in the way and he did not execute his succession plan.

Abbott has more at stake and there is more presure!

Abbott has Turnbull breathing down his neck. Imagine that! A personal fortune of over $140 million to fund his endeavours.

Tony just has his parliamentary salary and the royalties from his book.Not much joy there!

His thoughts were starting to come through loud and clear.

"Why does Tony Windsor think I'm such a dickhead?.............why did those Independents not fall victim to my charms?...............what is so beguiling about a red-haired slow-talking woman who sounds 'wooden'?...........why does she talk so slow?...............why doesn't Malcolm love me anymore?..........why am I getting hammered so much about my negative approach?...........it's not really negative ..............its just what Johnny taught me................and then Janette told me I would have her support if I didn't change anything......................and oh shit........... why is Laurie Oakes starting to be kinder to Julia?" His jaw dropped as he walked to his appointment.

She was a nice lady.......... the NLP practitioner. Well-groomed. Neat.

"So how can I help you Mr Abbott?" she asked.

"Well err ahh err", he stammered', "I haven't had a positive thought or idea since Julia became Prime Minister.I err ahh err want to become positive again................ like Malcolm is!"

And that was the poignant moment for The Blowfly!

He finally admitted what we all knew! He was a SNAG after all.

The words of Winston Churchill come into The Blowfly's mind: "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire"

Tony Abbott's predictable response to the rebuilding of Queensland

The Blowfly had big plans this week but they went astray.

I had planned to do a channelling session from Tony Abbott's shoulder because I was keen to see how he was thinking about the 'flood crisis'.

I did find him sitting in his office playing with his new iPhone. He was looking at it with great interest. As I looked over his shoulder I found that he was looking at 'the' photo if Nick Riewoldt that had been circulated on the internet. Initially Tony's thought process was along these lines:

"Good lord! What a man! Very impressive! Big for a footballer!Especially an AFL player. I'll need to stuff something down the front of my 'budgie-smugglers' to compete with that beast."

And then his thoughts turned to the flood crisis.

He started off with a minor lustful thought about Julia Gillard but was soon able to replace it with an image of his here , John Howard.

He recalled the response of the Howard Government to the Port Arthur massacre----a special levy to fund a gun buyback!And he recalled the popularity of that move!

Then he pondered his own response to Julia Gillard's floating of a special levy to fund the rebuilding of Queensland and Victoria after the floods.

The thought "big new tax" came into his head.

And then it happened!

Something must've happened in his Catholic brain.Some sort of programming error or something!

The same thought was locked into a little feedback loop that he could not stop.

"Big new tax!Big new tax!Big new tax!Big new tax!Big new tax!Big new tax!Big new tax!Big new tax!Big new tax!Big new tax!Big new tax!Big new tax!Big new tax!Big new tax!Big new tax!Big new tax!Big new tax!Big new tax!Big new tax!Big new tax!Big new tax!Big new tax!Big new tax!Big new tax!Big new tax!Big new tax!Big new tax!Big new tax!Big new tax!Big new tax!Big new tax!Big new tax!Big new tax!......................." and so on!

It was too damned irritating for The Blowfly.

The Blowfly left the shoulder of our illustrious Opposition leader with fear in his germy little heart for the sanity and capacity of tony's brain. By this time Tony's eyes were going in both directions and a little 'Liberal-steam' was coming from his ears.His ears were also flapping. You can just picture it cant you?

The Blowfly decided he would find a more congenial shoulder to land on.

"Anna Bligh seems like an interesting sheila", he thinks to himself, "I wonder what her perfume is like? Probably a blend of XXXX and pineapple! I wonder where she is now?"

"And if I can't find her I s'pose I can resort to the intellectual shoulder of one Malcolm Turnbull. I wonder what he is plotting these days?"

Tony Abbott will have to adjust more than just his 'budgie smugglers' in 2011

It's been a while since The Blowfly graced the shoulder of the Opposition leader, Tony Abbott.

But this week The Blowfly felt strangely drawn to 'the mad monk' because he'd heard at the 'evening garbage tins' that Tony had invited Andrew Wilkie to have a little chat.And to repeat it weekly whilst Parliament was sitting!

To the Blowfly this was evidence that aliens had landed, abducted the real Tony Abbott, and replaced him with a Malcolm Turnbull look-a-like.

Always interested in UFO activity The Blowfly sought out the Opposition leader's rather difficult-to-land-on shoulder. That is because he is always on the move and the slip-stream caused by his large ears is almost intolerable when you have constant shit on your feet. With shit on your feet cant seem get a good grip on a Catholic shoulder.

But this week you caught him in a rare quiet moment in his ante-room when he indulged himself in a little daydreaming.On his coffee table you noticed a copy of "The Internet for Dummies". You noted its pristine, barely-opened condition.

The Blowfly always finds it easy to read Tony's mind because his larger ears seem to act like thought-amplifiers and what goes on in his brain comes through crystal-clear.

As The Blowfly raised his psychic antennae Tony's thoughts came through loud and clear.

"This Parliament is harder than I thought...... I believed all politicians would respond to blatant pork-barrelling..... these bloody Independents are causing me more bowel movements that I need in my position!..... even that raving lunatic Katter has supported the Government more times than he has supported us..... and that snivelling Wilkie!.....the bastard who blew our cover on Iraq!... even he wouldn't fall for that 'new hospital for his electorate' ploy that Joe Hockey said would work for sure..... what is this world coming to?"

He snorts and then continues.

"Some people are saying that I need to develop a vision for this country and work out what sort of government we are going to be when we finally get in...... good Lord what is an Opposition leader going to have to do next?.... when I was growing up visions were things that Catholic children saw in remote villages after they had been naughty and needed more love from their parents...... 'Little Johnny', as dear as he was to me, only taught me about pork-barrelling....... he was very disparaging about visions...... they were the things Janette had in her sleep he used to say."

He snorts again.

"Malcolm is more suited to this 'vision' stuff.....he thinks differently to me.... he's not a Rhodes Scholar.....he's a business man..... to make shit-loads of money like he has done you need to be able to think a long way ahead......politics is different....its more knee-jerk stuff... anyway politicians on my side are not bright enough to develop visions..... Jesus H Christ they haven't even worked out yet the dis-service I did them by knocking Malcolm off last year...... after he got into bed with Rudd on the ETS, when Rudd pulled the pin on it, the Greens would've voted for us and we would be in power now........ and he's a sneaky little bastard that Turnbull!..... I told him to destroy the NBN.......that's based on what Brother John taught me at school.... "A good Catholic should always destroy anything he does not understand"...... but deep in my bones I feel that Malcolm is really just modifying it and revising our policy so we could win an election with it......just like the ALP did....God forbid!...... I don't know whether to love him or hate him......he thinks he's God just because he has an iPhone and a Twitter account....and errr...... yes......... $200 million............ I can't even use the iPod the kids gave me last year for Christmas......even the Queen can use hers!.... shit, I must be a Luddite".

It was at this moment that his personal assistant entered the room and announced excitedly that Tony had just received an invitation for an audience with the Pope during 2011.His face lit up and his eyes beamed.

Then the let-down. The personal assistant also advised, in a rather droll fashion, that the audience with the Pope coincided with a scheduled sitting day for Parliament.

Because no 'pairs' are allowed by the Opposition he would not be able to attend.

The Blowfly smiled a knowing smile, rubbed his shitty feet together, and alighted, reassured that this Universe is still in the hands of a God with a sense of humour.

In the Confessional with Opposition leader, Tony Abbott

It was quiet! It was dark! It was cool! And it was...... peaceful!

The Blowfly had never been into a confessional before.

But when you ride on the shoulders of Australia's leaders you have to 'expect the unexpected' and 'go with the flow'.

On second thoughts it was not really 'the unexpected' to have the Opposition Leader going into a confessional.

After all it is what a thinking insect would expect from someone who began his schooling at St Aloysius' College and then to St Ignatius College, Riverview, a stint at Sydney University and then Oxford before studying for the priesthood at St Patrick's Seminary in Manly.

Throughout this time he was utterly Catholic in his behaviour earning the nickname "The Mad Monk" and writing articles for, inter alia, The Catholic Weekly.

So for that reason, although the confessional was a 'virgin' experience for The Blowfly, the Leader of Her Majesty's Opposition was very much at home.

This is how it went.

"Bless me Father, for I have ahhh sinned.It has been 6 months since my last....errrr.... confession. I know I have previously confessed to the way I knocked off Malcolm Turnbull but ahhhh I feel so damned guilty about it that I need to confess it again. And while I'm at it errr I need to confess my envy of Peter Costello and the way he has with words and I also need to ahhh.. confess the way I let him believe that Howard was serious about standing down errr before the 2007 election. I'm sorry to trouble you with these ahhh old woes Father, but it is necessary for my own sanity to lay them to rest. And that's ahhh.. the 'gospel truth' Father."

Even from his shoulder you feel a huge sigh of relief from this good little Catholic trouper.

" And, Father, I errrr need to confess that I knew about the 'black hole' in the ahhhh budget projections coming up to the election.Hockey and Robb made me hide it. It reflected more on them than me ahhhh because I just left all this sort of complicated stuff to them. Just like I left that ahhh damned National Broadband network to others and it came back to errr haunt me. How can I be expected to be across all these policy areas? Hell I'm struggling to read my bible study notes each night and work out strategies for ahhhh keeping Turnbull away from the leadership much less get across all our errr policy documents! That's why I don't think we should have too many new policies. I'm struggling to do all the reading for the existing ones!"

"Father I also want to confess ahhh being duplicitous in dealing with the Independents. I just wantederrr to get the hands of power away from those dirty union yobbos. I shouldn't have told Pyne to sign anything! Ahhh I know! I know!And Father, I thought it would be a really good idea to build a new hospital for Andrew Wilke. It was only going to cost ahhh $1 billion. Hockey told me 'in for a penny, in for a pound' after the 'black hole' trick. 'What's a billion here or there?' he said."

The Blowfly could feel Tony Abbott was really warming to the task at hand and before too much longer he might really , as Laurie Oakes puts it, 'shoot his mouth off'.

"And Father I also told a little ahhhh errrr fib when I spoke about a 'kinder, gentler polity'. I didn't really mean it.I had ahhh enjoyed a mushroom sauce on my rib-eye that day and it must've affected me." {Note: The Blowfly had also enjoyed the mushroom sauce on Tony's rib-eye that day when Tony was not looking . He confirms that there was something a little fishy about it. The Blowfly also found himself becoming a little unrealistic and slightly maudlin but put it down to the overwhelming smell of Bob Katter's hat}

"Father I also wish to ahhh confess false pride. Whenever I put my 'budgie smugglers' on I feel like errrr a real man. I first noticed this feeling at the Seminary.That's when a knew ahhh being a priest was not going to work."

"Oh dear me Father this seems like a long confession. I hope I'm burdening you. After all, that is how errrr it is supposed to work!"

"Father, ahhh I also need to confess that I have a particular lustful feeling for redheads.That's the real reason I didn't want to go with Julia Gillard to Afghanistan. The thought of being on a long flight with her was going to be too much of a torment. I didn't want to go down the Gareth Evans and Cheryl Kernot track."

"I also want to confess ahhh about climate change, Father. I actually do believe that errr something is going on Father, and I know that if I continue with my position I am going to leave the way open for errr Malcolm Turnbull to take the leadership again. The Goldman Sachs juggernaut just can't be stopped. What's good for them is ahhh good for the world! And Malcolm used to work with them. And 'big business' who are my backers are going to want a carbon price and a trading scheme.At the Tory conference in the UK last week I errr got an earful of it.They're looking forward at the opportunities for a green economy! But I can only see Turnbull grinning at me from his iPhone! And what is this damn Twitter thing anyway and I'll bet he's behind that @tonyabbutt who takes me off on Twitter?"

His rant is broken by the kind words of the priest. "This is confession my son, not a counselling session.Please stick to your sins!"

"Sorry Father! It's been a long year and I've had to face so many disappointments. I'll leave it at that and promise not to leave it as long before my next confession."

"Well my son," said the priest in a thoughtful drawl, "I want you to say the Rosary 10 times and then 20 Hail Mary's and I want you to grant the Government a 'pairing' arrangement----the one that Rob Oakeshott and you had agreed to-----to atone for your sins. I am just doing you a favor my son, because if ever there was something that you've done that is going to backfire on you it will be that. Do you understand my son?"

Abbott looked puzzled.

"And my son, I want you to complete 2 Ironman Triathlon events this year to get rid of some of that testosterone!"

He looked even more puzzled.His ears appeared to flap.

As he walked from the confessional and into the sunlight he thought to himself:

"No wonder I haven't been to ahhh confession for so long.It was ahhh better when I was younger and I just had to confess all my errr sexual exploits.I felt really bad about them-----but the things I errr confessed today didn't really feel ahhh all that bad."

The Blowfly recalled the words of Jonathan Swift:"There is nothing in the world constant, but inconstancy"

The leaders of old have much in common

This week The Blowfly has been experimenting with stretching his psychic powers.

You see, normally he can only channel one politician at a time---and from the shoulder!

It is , after all, tiring work trying to get inside the brain of a politician.

But The Blowfly was told by an experienced medium that he should challenge himself with his extraordinary 'gift'.

So The Blowfly this week sat himself down near a quiet bin and tried to channel two politicians----- remotely!

He managed to pick up the thoughts of Malcolm Turnbull again.This how it came through:

"Oh dear me I could run our party better than this goose......I have a vision for the party..... I have the intellect........ I have the wealth...... My wife was also a strong support.......I love the world stage.......Why did my colleagues move against me?...... They don't understand me at all!...... This country was meant for me and I was meant for it.......If I hang around long enough I reckon I'll get another go at this gig.......I'm such an affable character really.........But some of my colleagues can't seem to stand me........Jesus, female politicians can be bitches........and what's wrong with an ETS?.........there are plenty of people going to make a lot of money out of that thing------especially in New York!........and I really loved Joe Hockey!........we seemed to work so well together......but now he doesn't give me the time of day......I think he must be jealous!........I just wish I'd listened to my wife more about political matters......she told me that I should be listening more to my colleagues and accommodating their perspectives......if I'd done that I'd be Prime Minister today.......oh woe is me!"

Then The Blowfly managed to pick up Kevin Rudd during a quiet moment on his overseas jaunt. It came through like this:

"Oh dear me I could run our party better than this goose......I have a vision for the party..... I have the intellect........ I have the wealth...... My wife was also a strong support.......I love the world stage.......Why did my colleagues move against me?...... They don't understand me at all!...... This country was meant for me and I was meant for it.......If I hang around long enough I reckon I'll get another go at this gig.......I'm such an affable character really.........But some of my colleagues can't seem to stand me........Jesus, female politicians can be bitches........and what's wrong with an ETS?.........there are plenty of people going to make a lot of money out of that thing------especially in New York!........and I really loved Joe Hockey!........we seemed to work so well together......but now he doesn't give me the time of day......I think he must be jealous!........I just wish I'd listened to my wife more about political matters......she told me that I should be listening more to my colleagues and accommodating their perspectives......if I'd done that I'd be Prime Minister today.......oh woe is me!"

The Blowfly found it to be a lot easier than he anticipated.

The Blowfly recalled the wisdom of Will Rogers:"Everybody is ignorant only on different subjects"