Tony Abbott will have to adjust more than just his 'budgie smugglers' in 2011

It's been a while since The Blowfly graced the shoulder of the Opposition leader, Tony Abbott.

But this week The Blowfly felt strangely drawn to 'the mad monk' because he'd heard at the 'evening garbage tins' that Tony had invited Andrew Wilkie to have a little chat.And to repeat it weekly whilst Parliament was sitting!

To the Blowfly this was evidence that aliens had landed, abducted the real Tony Abbott, and replaced him with a Malcolm Turnbull look-a-like.

Always interested in UFO activity The Blowfly sought out the Opposition leader's rather difficult-to-land-on shoulder. That is because he is always on the move and the slip-stream caused by his large ears is almost intolerable when you have constant shit on your feet. With shit on your feet cant seem get a good grip on a Catholic shoulder.

But this week you caught him in a rare quiet moment in his ante-room when he indulged himself in a little daydreaming.On his coffee table you noticed a copy of "The Internet for Dummies". You noted its pristine, barely-opened condition.

The Blowfly always finds it easy to read Tony's mind because his larger ears seem to act like thought-amplifiers and what goes on in his brain comes through crystal-clear.

As The Blowfly raised his psychic antennae Tony's thoughts came through loud and clear.

"This Parliament is harder than I thought...... I believed all politicians would respond to blatant pork-barrelling..... these bloody Independents are causing me more bowel movements that I need in my position!..... even that raving lunatic Katter has supported the Government more times than he has supported us..... and that snivelling Wilkie!.....the bastard who blew our cover on Iraq!... even he wouldn't fall for that 'new hospital for his electorate' ploy that Joe Hockey said would work for sure..... what is this world coming to?"

He snorts and then continues.

"Some people are saying that I need to develop a vision for this country and work out what sort of government we are going to be when we finally get in...... good Lord what is an Opposition leader going to have to do next?.... when I was growing up visions were things that Catholic children saw in remote villages after they had been naughty and needed more love from their parents...... 'Little Johnny', as dear as he was to me, only taught me about pork-barrelling....... he was very disparaging about visions...... they were the things Janette had in her sleep he used to say."

He snorts again.

"Malcolm is more suited to this 'vision' stuff.....he thinks differently to me.... he's not a Rhodes Scholar.....he's a business man..... to make shit-loads of money like he has done you need to be able to think a long way ahead......politics is different....its more knee-jerk stuff... anyway politicians on my side are not bright enough to develop visions..... Jesus H Christ they haven't even worked out yet the dis-service I did them by knocking Malcolm off last year...... after he got into bed with Rudd on the ETS, when Rudd pulled the pin on it, the Greens would've voted for us and we would be in power now........ and he's a sneaky little bastard that Turnbull!..... I told him to destroy the NBN.......that's based on what Brother John taught me at school.... "A good Catholic should always destroy anything he does not understand"...... but deep in my bones I feel that Malcolm is really just modifying it and revising our policy so we could win an election with it......just like the ALP did....God forbid!...... I don't know whether to love him or hate him......he thinks he's God just because he has an iPhone and a Twitter account....and errr...... yes......... $200 million............ I can't even use the iPod the kids gave me last year for Christmas......even the Queen can use hers!.... shit, I must be a Luddite".

It was at this moment that his personal assistant entered the room and announced excitedly that Tony had just received an invitation for an audience with the Pope during 2011.His face lit up and his eyes beamed.

Then the let-down. The personal assistant also advised, in a rather droll fashion, that the audience with the Pope coincided with a scheduled sitting day for Parliament.

Because no 'pairs' are allowed by the Opposition he would not be able to attend.

The Blowfly smiled a knowing smile, rubbed his shitty feet together, and alighted, reassured that this Universe is still in the hands of a God with a sense of humour.

How KRudd came to focus on productivity for his Australia Day speeches

Australia Day is as close as we are going to get to a national day of religious observance based on our country’s so-called values.

We see it as traditional to gather around a barbecue (a meal is associated with other religious observances eg Thanksgiving by the Pilgrim Fathers) and to swat flies away (which is a gesture similar to the genuflect and sign of the cross over one’s forehead--- practiced by Catholics).

It is not surprising therefore that The Blowfly should divulge to you an experience he had during the week whilst sitting on the shoulder of KRudd, our Prime Minister.

It happened during the course of a post-lunch snooze in his ante-room when he had been putting together the essence of his main Australia Day speech.

KRudd was readying himself for a slight repose after a morning of heavy cranial activity. His advisors had been telling him that Australians wanted to hear about the ‘deep-shit effect’ of the ageing population. By 2050,when most of us who can think about these things will be dead, they were arguing that there would not be enough taxpayers to support the elderly in ‘the manner to which they had not been alerted to’ by Peter Costello in his previous Intergenerational Report.

They argued that he had to urge Australians to improve their productivity in order to avoid an economic abyss.

But to give KRudd his dues he was not convinced. He had something a little more motivational and inspiring in his mind but he could not quite put his little pinkie on it.

As he positioned his head softly in his comfortable chair he channelled his highly elaborate line of thought into The Blowfly’s huge brain. It went like this.

“ Golly gee gosh! There is so much to put in this speech…………I’ll bet Tony Abbott plays the race card in his speech and incurs the wrath of the press………..I don’t want to be like him, budgie-smugglers or no budgie-smugglers………..so much has happened this week……………Prince William was here but Australians don’t really want to hear about the Republic or our plans to cut him out of a cushy job………..Obama went all soft and admitted the job had nearly got on top of him and he’d not listened enough to the people………….I reckon it’s too early to start listening to people………and besides that I listen to Therese…………and someone picked up on John Howard possibly taking that job as the Chairman of the International Cricket Council…….Jesus ,I hope nobody finds out it was me that organised that………….and the bloody Indians are talking about banning our cricketers from the IPL cricket matches because of the attacks here on their students………….what bloody wankers……what about all the attacks on Australians in India?.........................how will anyone be able to win without Andrew Symonds and Ricky Ponting in their teams………….maybe I could warn Australians about the hits they will have to take when the Henry Review of the tax system is released?............no ,not on Australia Day!...............maybe I could talk about the emissions trading scheme and how we got done over at Copenhagen but we are going to push on………hmmmmmm ……….zzzzzzzzz........but probably not until I work out how to deal with our coal industry………….I just cant find a way of getting around their argument………if we tax them and they produce less ,then other international coal exporters will just take up their sales--------- and global emissions wont be reduced at all-----just our sales----and Australian jobs will be reduced as well………..Jesus H Christ how am I going to solve that one? …………..maybe I could make another promise to stop whaling………..or to reform the health system………………….maybe I could talk about the Australian Open and tennis…….bring Rod Laver and Ken Rosewall into it somehow!................Australians like hearing about their successful sportsmen and women…………….zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…………..maybe I should talk in Mandarin and make sure it’s beamed into China…………zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz……….or Paris…………..Paris Hilton…………..zzzzzzzzzzz………..not a bad sort……….zzzzzzz………Peter Singer and his beef tax……………….zzzzzzzzz………..(snort, snort)………..productivity……..that’s what I’ll talk about……..we need to work smarter, not harder…………..especially me……… no more 5.30 am meetings………..yes don’t do as I do, do as I say…………just as our teachers used to do at Nambour State High School where I was Dux…………..geeez I was clever then………………(waking up fully)”

Now alert, he calls his minder to fetch the speech-writer so he can instruct him to talk about productivity in his Australia Day speech to the nation.

And that my friends caused The Blowfly to recall the much quoted statement by a White House aide who quipped “We have done the PR. Now we’ve got to try to devise the strategy”

The Blowfly’s small brain is not able to see how productivity can be improved without the Government providing the right policy framework , economic signals and infrastructure.

If you think that KRudd has a clue about this topic then may I ask that you please enlighten The Blowfly.

The Rise and the Rise of Kevin Rudd's Wife---She is Nobody's Poppet!

The lot of a Prime Minister’s wife is not an easy one.

It is extremely hard to please all of your husband’s constituency. It doesn’t matter how you play the game someone is going to criticise you.

Dame Pattie Menzies was ‘too much of a lady’. Dame Zara Holt was ‘too homely and yet too posh’. Sonia McMahon was ‘too glamorous’. Tammy Fraser was ‘too mundane’. Hazel Hawke was ‘too tolerant of her husband’. Anita Keating was ‘too smart’-----that’s why the first thing she did when Paul vacated was to get her life back and ‘leave the bastard’. We all sympathised with her! If Turnbull’s republic had’ve got up she would’ve been a walk-up start to being our first President based on her ‘ballsy’ effort in telling Paul Keating exactly what she thought of him---and confirming what the rest of us suspected about him!

And Janette Howard! Well she was far ‘too precious’ about her husband’s lot in life. Can you imagine sitting outside your husband’s door like a Sentinel vetting visitor’s and being involved in conversations with Ministers who had been asked to report back about his prospects of winning the next election? Most wives could not give a ‘rats’ about their husband hanging on in politics----they would prefer them to vacate and get on with their lives! But Janette had got used to Kirribilli House and the trappings and -------her kids had left home and she had nothing better to do!

So you will understand why The Blowfly has recently become more interested in Therese Rein, the poor, long-suffering wife and partner of one Kevvie Rudd--------our country’s supposed 'leader'.

Having penetrated the PM’s house before Christmas ,The Blowfly felt compelled to do a return visit early in the new year to understand more of her contribution to the PM's thinking----whatever there is of his thinking!

She can usually read his thoughts---as most wives can---but when he is aware of this he begins thinking in Mandarin to throw her off the scent of his brilliance.

So let me set the scene for you.

I am on Therese’s shoulder as she climbs a ladder in the PM’s study in their Brisbane home. It is a modest study roughly 3.7m by 3.7m and with a normal ceiling of about 2.1m.

In her hands she has a large Kellogg’s cornflakes box. In her mouth she has a sticky tape dispenser. Although The Blowfly is used to dizzy heights she is not. You are careful not to try any antics that might distract her lest her much-recently-reduced-voluptuosness falls from the ladder.

She gets to the top, rests the sticky tape dispenser on the top rung of the ladder, extracts two good 6 inch pieces of tape and places the Cornflakes box in the top left hand corner of the room against the ceiling. Deftly she places one piece of sticky tape under the box and affixes it to the wall. With the other piece of tape she attaches the box to the side wall. Several more pieces of tape later she has the box ‘going nowhere’.

But the Kellogg’s cornflakes box is now positioned firmly where it will attract the PM’s attention when next he sits at his desk.

Now she reaches into her bra and extracts a sewing pin and sticks it part-way into the box.

The Blowfly is fascinated with this escapade. He is puzzled yet full of admiration for her. It was no mean feat to position the cornflakes as she has.

She alights from the ladder, straightens herself and smiles one of the largest smiles you have ever seen from a PM’s wife. Mostly they have precious little to smile about! And there is also a severe twinkle in her eyes. You can see why Kevvie loves her.

As she admires her work you tune into her thoughts and catch something along the following lines. “That will make that little Mandarin-speaking, egocentric bastard think! And when he shares it with Penny ‘2 Wong’s don’t make a Wight’ it will be just one almighty hoot. I wish I’d be able to see her face. God, I’m brilliant! No wonder he married me. Not only am I sexy and wealthy---I am also smarter than him.”

You glance up at the cornflakes box with the pin impaled in it and wonder what-the-hell she is thinking about. Your minute little brain is unable to comprehend this woman's intentions----you after all are a male blowfly.

She retires from the study and goes about her normal household duties. But there is a definite jauntiness about her. You even sense that she is enjoying the ironing-----now that is a first! Most thinking men know that they are in trouble when their wife starts enjoying the ironing.

The Blowfly positions himself near the kitchen bin, feasting for most of the afternoon.

But as soon as you hear Kevvie's Commonwealth car in the driveway you re-position yourself on Therese Rein’s shoulder to enjoy the show that is about to unfold before your eyes.

In he walks be-spectacled and bearing the weight of Australia’s problems on his weedy shoulders. He goes straight to the study to throw his brief-case down---just like he used to do when he came home from school----most men never change! As he does you hear this almighty shriek as he exclaims in his new social media lingo “WTF?”-----which is the jargon exclamation from his Twittering!

From the study he emerges positively bemused by the new ornament adorning the area above his desk.

“Therese, what the hell is that thing in the corner of my study above my desk?”

“Darling,” she says impishly, “I thought you would never notice!”

“Darling, you know how, in our marriage to date, I have made all the money and you have the brains?”

His heads nods slowly, very slowly------ but surely!

“Well from now on we are going to reverse our roles. You are going to make the money and I will be the clever one!”

He nods again with his eyes rolling gently back in his head.

“I’ve been trying to get my head around all this climate change stuff you’ve been rubbing into me since the election. And yesterday I came across a Letter to the Editor from a guy who used to run the Munmorah Power Station near Newcastle.”

“Yeeeessss!”, Kevvie stammers knowing that he is on a hiding to nothing with this line .

“Let’s imagine that your study represents the atmosphere of our lovely planet. The carbon dioxide volume is presently about .038%---up from .034% about 50 years ago. That cornflakes box represents the same proportional volume of carbon dioxide in your study,” she continues with spiff and spunk.

“Did you see the pin sticking out of the box?” she questions.

It had eluded his ever-present ocular vigilance and he returns to the study to check it out. He nods upon his return.

“Well that constitutes the volume of carbon dioxide that would be achieved if Australia achieves a 20% reduction in it’s emissions.We only produce 1% of the world's total emissions.” She turns her back to turn the kettle off.

“So the only people who are going to benefit from achieving the emissions reduction target in Australia are the people operating the carbon trading schemes, the people receiving subsidies for solar energy installations and innovation and the tradesmen installing insulation. So you go to it! You see if you and Turnbull can get that emissions trading scheme up and running because, between you both ---and Goldman Sachs--- we should be able to work out a way of making a fortune out of it”. She smiles at him with an all-knowing smile that only a wife can give.

He looks at her in stunned silence.

Your antennae go up. His thoughtful response emerges. He thinks to himself.

“Bitch! Now I’ve got two to put up with! I don’t know who will be worse----Therese or Penny?”

Your research into Therese’s capacities as the PM’s wife has been richly rewarded. If Turnbull’s republic ever got up Therese would surely leapfrog over Anita Keating for President.

Has Turnbull out-manoevred Rudd on the ETS?

The Blowfly's week has been rip-snorting to say the least.

You will remember that last week The Blowfly had managed to penetrate the inner sanctum of the PM---his boudoir!

Unfortunately The Blowfly got so settled there with all the goings-on you simply have not been able to pull yourself away and escape back into the real world.And this was on top of all the normal bedroom activities that you have not been previously exposed to. You realise that the PM and his wife are consenting adults but they certainly go at it hammer and tongs when they get going. At least the PM now cleans his ears regularly at home, at Therese's instigation,rather than in Parliament.You can also admit to being a little fond of the PM's ear-wax. It seems to steady your landings when you have a little on your feet.

The whole world, this week, seems to have revolved around climate change issues, the ETS and the turmoil in the Liberal Party. You have participated fully from your excellent possie on the PM's bedhead. In fact you have had some insights that probably few others have been exposed to.Your little brain has been challenged to the full.

Let The Blowfly relate this voyeuristic scenario to you.

It's 3am and its a relatively hot Canberra night. On the bedhead above the PM's head you are slumbering with purpose.You are dreaming a little fly-sex and you are really on a roll. You feel a little stirring below you and you sense the PM is awake. He is laying on his back and looking at the ceiling.You think he may be restless because he is off to another world leaders' conference and he becomes very concerned when he travels. Especially about how his hair looks, whether he has the right-colored ties and whether his shoes are shiny.Sometimes he even practises Mandarin in his sleep.

But tonight you sense he is concerned about something a little deeper. You extract yourself from your sordid and colorful dream and wiggle your antennae to tune into the PM's quaint little thought processes.His thoughts manifest themselves to you immediately.

"That damned Turnbull worries me. I originally thought that I had him by the short and curlies. And when you have someone by the short and curlies their hearts and minds usually follow.I boxed him in really well. I knew that he was a supporter of the emissions trading scheme all along. He served the Lying Rodent so well in that field and I knew he could belt those other Liberal dickheads around the ears. He's never short of 'balls' our Malcolm. S'pose you can afford to have 'balls' when you are as wealthy as he is.But this thing about Goldman Sachs really worries me! Malcolm may make more money out of the ETS than anybody else."

" I wonder how many other people read that article in Rolling Stone magazine? Inside The Great American Bubble Machine was really well-written. Better than any of my essays! Has Goldman Sachs really engineered every major market manipulation since the Great depression? Is the next bubble really in carbon credits? I guessed I knew it would be a 'booming trillion-dollar market' but I did not know that Goldman Sachs gave over $4 million to the Democratic Party to push its 'environmental plan'."

"I know what that little champagne-sipping silver-tail is doing! He's out-manoeuvred me! The bastard! I'll bet,as a former Goldman Sachs operative here in Australia, that he was in the know.That's probably why he is wealthier than me. He's got better contacts into the big-ends of town. I've just got a wealthy wife.Oh woe is me!"

He looks across lovingly at his sleeping wife."She's such a genius.Not only has she made a lot of money but she also chose me. She has/is a real asset."

"I wonder whether Hockey will become the new Liberal leader. It'll be just like old times. Me and Joe together on Kochie and Mel sweet-talking each other."

You see a smile on his face just like the one you have when you are having fly-sex.

He gradually drifts back to sleep. Your eyes close and you resume your enticing dream where you left off.

Australia is in capable hands!

This emissions trading issue will be the making of Malcolm Turnbull

This week The Blowfly is in deep sympathy mode for Malcolm Turnbull.
It seems that each time Malcolm shows leadership his party whips hips him.
And each time he does not show leadership his party whips him.

Perched on his erstwhile shoulder you feel his pain! After all this is the guy who told the late Kerry Packer to get stuffed.And undoubtedly risked his life in the process!

At least he has the support of his wife.

But beyond that he is wondering who will step forward.

"I used to be able to count on Joe Hockey", you hear him thinking.

But then you hear him dismiss that loyalty as a passing phase Joe is going through.Joe would love to get to trade punches with his former Channel 7 panellist, KRudd.

"They should trust me to negotiate anything", Malcolm thinks. "They should put my performance at the Constitutional gathering behind them. I have grown since then.I learn't a lot from John Howard. He never said sorry and nor will I" .

The Blowfly notices his chin dropping and that sad, forlorn look comes over him.

The Blowfly thinks that maybe Malcolm needs to go to see someone trained in NLP so he can rejuvenate the little programme in his mind which releases the positive statements.

Lucy enters with his cup of coffee and a Tim-Tam.

"Why don't they trust a silver-tail to lead them , darling?" he enquires wistfully.

" Because , sweetheart, they are all wankers!" she retorts without a thought.

As she goes on her way he wonders to himself why he is unable to see things as clearly as wife.

Then he recalls the words of Winston Churchill. "They are decided only to be undecided, resolved to be irresolute, adamant for drift, all-powerful for impotence"

The mantle of leadership falls gently upon his shoulders again.The Liberal Party once again has a leader.