The Blowfly respectfully requests that you imagine for a moment that you are the Coalition’s economic policy.
Sometime during 2013 you will be called upon to be born.
Presently however you are still being conceived.
Your gestation will be longer than normal. There is a fundamental problem to overcome before you can enter that narrow birth canal and see the light of day.
Prior to the last election you were soooooo close to being born but you were undermined by an $11 billion black hole. And then you were stymied by some damned Independents!
It is rumoured that the black hole is now $70 billion.
Your conception is in the hands of three well-known Liberal Catholics----Tony Abbott, Joe Hockey and Andrew Robb---The Three Amigos!
In those fertile hands one would be inclined to think your conception was a certainty.
There is some conjecture about one aspect. Whether, and when, your budget will be brought to surplus?
This has been a seminal issue for The Three Amigos.
They wish to win the next election desperately but, by the same token, they wish to retain some semblance of economic responsibility-------but only a little! Too much semblance may see them lose.
The Three Amigos have to climb over the repeal of the carbon tax and the minerals rent and resource tax. They have to wrestle with the personal and company tax cuts that those policies contain.
Put simply----- The Three Amigos have to hedge their bets!
They are doing this by talking of ‘aspirational’ goals rather than commitments.
The Three Amigos also have to deal with editorials in the Australian Financial Review headed “Abbott fails the fiscal test”. And further on “……..the platform upon which the Coalition should be building its case as the alternative government is rubbery”. And in last Sunday’s Age: “So far, an Opposition bereft of credible ideas and policy”.
Sometimes you do wonder whether your birth will ever happen. There is so much left to be finalised concerning your gestation. And your ‘inseminarians’ (so to speak) don’t seem to be on the same page!
Hockey and Robb can’t seem to agree on the nature of your birth.
Abbott does not seem to have the economic confidence and imprimatur to bang their heads together.
And as a developing foetus you crave a little more attention. A little music maybe? A little tummy rubbing ? A few lullabies even?
But all the Coalition's efforts seem to be aimed at personalising the insults to the Prime Minister and forcing an election.
This is worrying for you. Should a snap election be called you would not be ready for birth. Your gestation is far from complete. You would be premature!
You sometimes wonder whether The Three Amigos are really concerned about your good health. Or whether perhaps, like all males, they believe the joy is in starting the process. The final, painful part can be delegated to someone else.
The Blowfly recalls the words of Groucho Marx: “I didn’t like the play, but then I saw it under adverse circumstances----the curtain was up!”
And so it is with Australian politics!
Showing posts with label Joe hockey. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Joe hockey. Show all posts
Monday, February 13, 2012
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Tony Abbott's perspective on 2012
The Blowfly wants you to imagine that you are in Tony Abbott’s shoes at the moment.
2012 has dawned.
This time last year you were confident that if you went at the Gillard Government with all your energy, spin and bluster you had a reasonable chance of causing a hung parliament to become ‘unhung’.
You did the only thing you really knew how.
You tried to scare the populace.
You travelled the country doing so.
But the sky still has not fallen down!
You also turned Question Time into a farce by moving all those censure motions.
And then right at the end of the year you experienced the ignominy of having Gillard, Albanese and company out-manoeuvre you in respect to Peter Slipper’s move to become the Speaker.
You know that Malcolm is beavering away quietly making himself look good.
You know that Joe Hockey and Andrew Robb are struggling to develop a budgetary framework that will accommodate all the promises you have made to repeal the carbon tax legislation and the MRRT.
In fact , coming up to the next election, you almost have to start from scratch regarding the costings of all your policies because of the promises and the commitments to repeal that you have made on the run.
In his regular blog former NSW Premier Bob Carr refers to this amounts to ‘the biggest transformation of Australian public finances ever promised by an opposition leader’.
And you know that in 2013 the Australian public might not fall for having the policy costings audited by a firm of accountants who were told not to review the assumptions.
You are also aware that your policy development process is being hindered by the need to appeal to the swinging voters. You are struggling to make sense of all the polling that your crowd is doing.
Like John Howard you are only going to release your policies on the eve of the election so that they don’t get too much of an opportunity to be shot down and scrutinised by the Government.
On another front there is the spectre of Kevin Rudd hanging over your head.
Although you were acerbic about an elected Prime Minister being deposed you do realise that, in spite of his popularity with voters, he was a megalomaniac who almost brought the administration of the nation to a standstill.
You are worried that there is talk of Gillard being deposed and Kevin getting a run again. If this happens you reckon you would be totally stuffed because Queensland voters would return to him.
You recognise the need to expend your energies very strategically between now and the next election.
If you push too hard on Gillard and cause her to blunder then the power brokers in the ALP might move to re-install Kevin.
If you don’t push hard enough then your own party is going to question your capacity to lead them after the next election.
You think to yourself: “I wish Margie was more like Janette Howard because I could sure use her advice right now”.
2012 has dawned.
This time last year you were confident that if you went at the Gillard Government with all your energy, spin and bluster you had a reasonable chance of causing a hung parliament to become ‘unhung’.
You did the only thing you really knew how.
You tried to scare the populace.
You travelled the country doing so.
But the sky still has not fallen down!
You also turned Question Time into a farce by moving all those censure motions.
And then right at the end of the year you experienced the ignominy of having Gillard, Albanese and company out-manoeuvre you in respect to Peter Slipper’s move to become the Speaker.
You know that Malcolm is beavering away quietly making himself look good.
You know that Joe Hockey and Andrew Robb are struggling to develop a budgetary framework that will accommodate all the promises you have made to repeal the carbon tax legislation and the MRRT.
In fact , coming up to the next election, you almost have to start from scratch regarding the costings of all your policies because of the promises and the commitments to repeal that you have made on the run.
In his regular blog former NSW Premier Bob Carr refers to this amounts to ‘the biggest transformation of Australian public finances ever promised by an opposition leader’.
And you know that in 2013 the Australian public might not fall for having the policy costings audited by a firm of accountants who were told not to review the assumptions.
You are also aware that your policy development process is being hindered by the need to appeal to the swinging voters. You are struggling to make sense of all the polling that your crowd is doing.
Like John Howard you are only going to release your policies on the eve of the election so that they don’t get too much of an opportunity to be shot down and scrutinised by the Government.
On another front there is the spectre of Kevin Rudd hanging over your head.
Although you were acerbic about an elected Prime Minister being deposed you do realise that, in spite of his popularity with voters, he was a megalomaniac who almost brought the administration of the nation to a standstill.
You are worried that there is talk of Gillard being deposed and Kevin getting a run again. If this happens you reckon you would be totally stuffed because Queensland voters would return to him.
You recognise the need to expend your energies very strategically between now and the next election.
If you push too hard on Gillard and cause her to blunder then the power brokers in the ALP might move to re-install Kevin.
If you don’t push hard enough then your own party is going to question your capacity to lead them after the next election.
You think to yourself: “I wish Margie was more like Janette Howard because I could sure use her advice right now”.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
The Big Issues facing the Opposition: How they're thinking in the engine-room!
The Blowfly is aware that behind the scenes in politics there is a veritable army of hard-working, well-meaning people.
Let’s imagine that you are the husband and wife team who, very deliberately, pull the strings of Tony Abbott and the Liberal Party.
Peta Credlin is Tony’s chief-of-staff and Brian Loughnane is the federal director of the Liberal Party.
During the term of this hung Parliament they have been second-guessing the Gillard government and attempting to position ‘their Tony’ for PM.
Tony Abbott’s ceaseless forays into the heart of Australian businesses for the evening ‘news-takes’ telling the small business sector about the pending doom about to befall them with the introduction of the ‘Carbon tax’ was undoubtedly the result of Peda Credlin’s detailed and inspired planning.
Brian Loughnane has also been around for a while and he knows the ropes.
During the last election campaign he reportedly gave instructions ‘not to check the assumptions’ to the WA auditors who were assigned the highly important task of costing the Coalition’s policies. Subsequently Treasury found an $11 billion ‘black hole’.
One might imagine that the Liberal Party is a permanent talking point in their house.
Let’s imagine that on their fridge is a small white board. They use this to empty their Liberal brains of questions that they believe might be pertinent to the quest to get Tony behind the levers of power.
This is how The Blowfly imagines the white board might look presently:
1. If Malcolm becomes the leader before the next election will our ‘NO’ strategy work for him?
2. Should Tony stay on as leader will he be perceived as a total drongo if he continues with the ‘NO’ strategy?
3. When should we start developing some policies for the next election?
4. Besides the repeal of the Carbon Tax legislation and the Minerals Rent and Resources Tax what other ideas do we have for policy initiatives?
5. How might we ‘save face’ if we have to jettison the repeal of these should our polling reveal it would be beneficial?
6. Given we now have a $70 billion ‘black hole’ with all the commitments Tony has given, do we simply pray for a miracle?
7. How is it humanly possible to develop policies to cover this ‘black hole’ without alienating the swinging voters?
8. Should we factor in a new $1 billion hospital for Andrew Wilkie’s electorate for the next election?
9. What is the most politically advantageous position the Coalition can take on global warming?
10. Should we include John and Janette Howard in our planning group for the next election?
11. Should we persist with the censure motions at Question Time or should we invest more time in developing penetrating questions to ask the Government?
12. What should we advise Tony to do with Joe?
13. Where do we want to take this country?
14. Is that important as long as we win?
15. Is there enough champagne in the fridge for New Year’s Eve?
16. What do we have to celebrate?
The words of Sam Goldwyn drift into The Blowfly’s small brain: “We’re overpaying them but they’re worth it”.
Let’s imagine that you are the husband and wife team who, very deliberately, pull the strings of Tony Abbott and the Liberal Party.
Peta Credlin is Tony’s chief-of-staff and Brian Loughnane is the federal director of the Liberal Party.
During the term of this hung Parliament they have been second-guessing the Gillard government and attempting to position ‘their Tony’ for PM.
Tony Abbott’s ceaseless forays into the heart of Australian businesses for the evening ‘news-takes’ telling the small business sector about the pending doom about to befall them with the introduction of the ‘Carbon tax’ was undoubtedly the result of Peda Credlin’s detailed and inspired planning.
Brian Loughnane has also been around for a while and he knows the ropes.
During the last election campaign he reportedly gave instructions ‘not to check the assumptions’ to the WA auditors who were assigned the highly important task of costing the Coalition’s policies. Subsequently Treasury found an $11 billion ‘black hole’.
One might imagine that the Liberal Party is a permanent talking point in their house.
Let’s imagine that on their fridge is a small white board. They use this to empty their Liberal brains of questions that they believe might be pertinent to the quest to get Tony behind the levers of power.
This is how The Blowfly imagines the white board might look presently:
1. If Malcolm becomes the leader before the next election will our ‘NO’ strategy work for him?
2. Should Tony stay on as leader will he be perceived as a total drongo if he continues with the ‘NO’ strategy?
3. When should we start developing some policies for the next election?
4. Besides the repeal of the Carbon Tax legislation and the Minerals Rent and Resources Tax what other ideas do we have for policy initiatives?
5. How might we ‘save face’ if we have to jettison the repeal of these should our polling reveal it would be beneficial?
6. Given we now have a $70 billion ‘black hole’ with all the commitments Tony has given, do we simply pray for a miracle?
7. How is it humanly possible to develop policies to cover this ‘black hole’ without alienating the swinging voters?
8. Should we factor in a new $1 billion hospital for Andrew Wilkie’s electorate for the next election?
9. What is the most politically advantageous position the Coalition can take on global warming?
10. Should we include John and Janette Howard in our planning group for the next election?
11. Should we persist with the censure motions at Question Time or should we invest more time in developing penetrating questions to ask the Government?
12. What should we advise Tony to do with Joe?
13. Where do we want to take this country?
14. Is that important as long as we win?
15. Is there enough champagne in the fridge for New Year’s Eve?
16. What do we have to celebrate?
The words of Sam Goldwyn drift into The Blowfly’s small brain: “We’re overpaying them but they’re worth it”.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Malcolm Turnbull's Dilemma.
The Blowfly would like you to put yourself in the shoes of one Malcolm Turnbull, Federal Member for Wentworth and shadow Minister for Communications and Broadband.
It is just over 2 years since the spill motion against you and you lost the leadership of the Liberal Party.
You lost 42 votes to 41 to Tony Abbott. Peter Slipper is now the Speaker. He reckons he voted for Abbott. That makes it 41 votes each.
You were the managing director of Goldman Sachs operation in Australia before you went into politics. You sold your stake in Ozemail for $60 million in 1999. You have been listed in the BRW’s Rich 200 list for a few years and are the only sitting politician to have that honour.
You have recently been on a diet and you are looking mean and lean.
You are playing the waiting game.
As you survey the political landscape looking for a chance to advance your ever-present interests you ponder the lot of some of your colleagues.
You look at the job that Hockey and Robb are doing and you roll your eyes. And then you roll them again. And again!
You ponder how the Coalition got out of economic-jail at the last election simply by losing it.
The $11.5 billion black hole in the election promises costings has now been stretched beyond all means. The Labor Government is struggling to reform the economy----but succeeding none-the-less!
And the black hole has been exacerbated by your own Leader who has not only promised to repeal those reform measures but has committed to keeping much of the new income streams for the populace. Most economists now say that the black hole is in the vicinity of $70 billion.
You remember reading an article recently which described the discovery of a black hole ’10 times the size of our solar system into which billions of suns have vanished like a guilty thought.’ You think you may know of a similar black hole.
You wonder if the strategies presently pursued by Tony Abbott will amount to anything at all.
You wonder when your colleagues are going to be sufficiently fearful of Abbott’s leadership that they might tap you on the shoulder.
You were always one to think big!
But if you can’t be Leader you want to be Treasurer.
And sometimes when you are in a darker mood you wonder whether Tony Abbott will have the courage to approach you to be the Shadow Treasurer. You know you could whip Wayne Swan .You know that you could help steer the Coalition to victory. And Hockey would eat your dust!
After all you live in Vaucluse. You have manners. You have found Catholicism. You know how iPhones work. And, even better, you have strong links into Goldman Sachs. They run and finance the world and you could be useful to them. Even more important than Mark Arbib is to the US!
But really! Would you want to serve as a Treasurer to ‘Prime Minister’ Abbott?
Could you really hack his political hypocrisy?
Oh dear me, what is a silver-tail to do?
It is just over 2 years since the spill motion against you and you lost the leadership of the Liberal Party.
You lost 42 votes to 41 to Tony Abbott. Peter Slipper is now the Speaker. He reckons he voted for Abbott. That makes it 41 votes each.
You were the managing director of Goldman Sachs operation in Australia before you went into politics. You sold your stake in Ozemail for $60 million in 1999. You have been listed in the BRW’s Rich 200 list for a few years and are the only sitting politician to have that honour.
You have recently been on a diet and you are looking mean and lean.
You are playing the waiting game.
As you survey the political landscape looking for a chance to advance your ever-present interests you ponder the lot of some of your colleagues.
You look at the job that Hockey and Robb are doing and you roll your eyes. And then you roll them again. And again!
You ponder how the Coalition got out of economic-jail at the last election simply by losing it.
The $11.5 billion black hole in the election promises costings has now been stretched beyond all means. The Labor Government is struggling to reform the economy----but succeeding none-the-less!
And the black hole has been exacerbated by your own Leader who has not only promised to repeal those reform measures but has committed to keeping much of the new income streams for the populace. Most economists now say that the black hole is in the vicinity of $70 billion.
You remember reading an article recently which described the discovery of a black hole ’10 times the size of our solar system into which billions of suns have vanished like a guilty thought.’ You think you may know of a similar black hole.
You wonder if the strategies presently pursued by Tony Abbott will amount to anything at all.
You wonder when your colleagues are going to be sufficiently fearful of Abbott’s leadership that they might tap you on the shoulder.
You were always one to think big!
But if you can’t be Leader you want to be Treasurer.
And sometimes when you are in a darker mood you wonder whether Tony Abbott will have the courage to approach you to be the Shadow Treasurer. You know you could whip Wayne Swan .You know that you could help steer the Coalition to victory. And Hockey would eat your dust!
After all you live in Vaucluse. You have manners. You have found Catholicism. You know how iPhones work. And, even better, you have strong links into Goldman Sachs. They run and finance the world and you could be useful to them. Even more important than Mark Arbib is to the US!
But really! Would you want to serve as a Treasurer to ‘Prime Minister’ Abbott?
Could you really hack his political hypocrisy?
Oh dear me, what is a silver-tail to do?
Monday, October 10, 2011
What will our youngest MP be thinking about the Parliament?
The Blowfly would like you to imagine that you are the youngest member of the House of Representatives.
Your name is Wyatt Roy and you came into this Parliament in August 2010.
Born on 22 May 1990 you sit firmly on the cusp between Taurus and Gemini.
You had to wait for Tony Abbott to perform his negotiations with the Independents before you found out whether you had scored being in government on your first throw of the dice.
You were a little crest-fallen initially when Julia won through but you consoled yourself by saying that it was more than you really expected at your age.
There is sparkle in your eyes and altruism in your heart.
You like a little fuss being made of you from time to time and the Liberal Party seems to think that you are a piece of good news in what was an otherwise disappointing election.
The new Parliament gets into full swing and your learning curve is almost perpendicular.
The first thing you notice is that people take this game very, very seriously.
Your Leader, “Mr Abbott to you son”, seems to be really miffed about not getting the gong. You notice that sometimes he wears this strange smile on his face. At other times he seems to be a sort of robot uttering three word slogans.
And in some ways he turns your world upside down!
You thought that if you set your mind to anything you could do it. After all you are a walking example of this credo. But Mr Abbott seems to be so negative!
And you had not realized that if a carbon tax were to be introduced the whole Australian economy would be totally decimated.
You are old enough to remember John Howard and you seem to recall that he went to an election with a policy to introduce a carbon trading scheme. He got knocked off by Kevvie ! Kevvie didn’t seem to think such a scheme was going to ruin the country nor did that nice man Mr. Turnbull. You wonder why that nice man got rolled by Mr. Abbott.
Last week on Twitter you noticed those rumors going around about the leadership of your party.
Because you have only been in Parliament for such a short time you don’t really know whom to trust.
They all seem to be nice to you. Mr. Hockey seems like a good bloke. Mr. Robb too. You do wonder about Mr. Bernardi. He seems like he’s on steroids. You have trouble looking Mrs. Bishop in the eye but someone tells you that all people from WA are like that.
In your maiden speech you quoted the late Jim Killen: “In the deliberations of this assembly I cannot as yet be guided by experience. I can only be guided by plain good intentions.”
You find yourself wondering whether good intentions will be enough to see you through ‘this place’.
You recall the words of your father when you were a boy. He told you that anyone could become Prime Minister. Your father seems to be right on that one.
Your name is Wyatt Roy and you came into this Parliament in August 2010.
Born on 22 May 1990 you sit firmly on the cusp between Taurus and Gemini.
You had to wait for Tony Abbott to perform his negotiations with the Independents before you found out whether you had scored being in government on your first throw of the dice.
You were a little crest-fallen initially when Julia won through but you consoled yourself by saying that it was more than you really expected at your age.
There is sparkle in your eyes and altruism in your heart.
You like a little fuss being made of you from time to time and the Liberal Party seems to think that you are a piece of good news in what was an otherwise disappointing election.
The new Parliament gets into full swing and your learning curve is almost perpendicular.
The first thing you notice is that people take this game very, very seriously.
Your Leader, “Mr Abbott to you son”, seems to be really miffed about not getting the gong. You notice that sometimes he wears this strange smile on his face. At other times he seems to be a sort of robot uttering three word slogans.
And in some ways he turns your world upside down!
You thought that if you set your mind to anything you could do it. After all you are a walking example of this credo. But Mr Abbott seems to be so negative!
And you had not realized that if a carbon tax were to be introduced the whole Australian economy would be totally decimated.
You are old enough to remember John Howard and you seem to recall that he went to an election with a policy to introduce a carbon trading scheme. He got knocked off by Kevvie ! Kevvie didn’t seem to think such a scheme was going to ruin the country nor did that nice man Mr. Turnbull. You wonder why that nice man got rolled by Mr. Abbott.
Last week on Twitter you noticed those rumors going around about the leadership of your party.
Because you have only been in Parliament for such a short time you don’t really know whom to trust.
They all seem to be nice to you. Mr. Hockey seems like a good bloke. Mr. Robb too. You do wonder about Mr. Bernardi. He seems like he’s on steroids. You have trouble looking Mrs. Bishop in the eye but someone tells you that all people from WA are like that.
In your maiden speech you quoted the late Jim Killen: “In the deliberations of this assembly I cannot as yet be guided by experience. I can only be guided by plain good intentions.”
You find yourself wondering whether good intentions will be enough to see you through ‘this place’.
You recall the words of your father when you were a boy. He told you that anyone could become Prime Minister. Your father seems to be right on that one.
Monday, October 03, 2011
The Coalition's economic Shadow
The Blowfly asks that you imagine a previous life.
You were a Roman emperor used to a life of gluttony, being eternally right and experiencing excess to the full.
The Universe has now invited you to be born again and, specifically, to learn humility.
You choose the life before you carefully.
The second of August 1965 seems like a nice day.
You are born of Armenian and Palestinian parents in North Sydney. You have 3 older siblings , attend St Aloysius College and the University of Sydney where you gain an Arts/Law degree. You become President of the SRC and then move into banking and finance before becoming the Director of Policy to the Premier of NSW before entering politics.
You choose politics because it will provide the greatest opportunity to learn humility.
Your first major opportunity comes when John Howard appoints you as a Minister and then you are appointed to Cabinet as the Minister for Employment and Workplace Relations.
You regularly sharpen your wits by appearing on Sunrise with Kochie and Mel and the new shining light of the ALP. He is tough going and while you can see right through him, many Australians can’t.
The ALP’s new messiah goes onto win the election and you start to learn humility----but not before you’ve learned about endurance and muscle pain by walking the Kokoda Trail and then Mt Kiliminjaro.
In due course your leader is Malcolm Turnbull. His style basically suits you. He is a big thinker and he encourages you to do like-wise.
Then shit happens. Tony Abbott becomes the new Opposition leader.
It is a two-edged sword for you. You are now the Shadow Treasurer. It is almost what you’ve always wanted. But you still don’t have the levers of power in your hands. You are now learning about patience----and, oh, economics!
Then Tony Abbott tells you that the only way an Opposition can behave is to disagree with the Government on every damned issue, say ‘No,No,No’ and talk a strong economy down.
You try to get into the swing of this strategy but you struggle and people start to question your economic knowledge. You learn even more humility.
The day comes when you make the most embarrassing gaffe of your career.
Wayne Swan has been named Euromoney magazine’s Finance Minister of the Year. You think he is a total tool. Anyone who comes from Queensland is a total tool---except Bob Katter of course! Oh----and Barnaby Joyce!
You ridicule Wayne Swan in Parliament by drawing attention to the fact that other recipients of this award were from Pakistan and Nigeria.
Unfortunately you have not done your homework.
The Pakistani executed a far-reaching program of economic reform which, for several years, made Pakistan second only to China in terms of economic robustness. Later he served as Prime Minister for 2 years.
The Nigerian negotiated a large debt write-off for her country, and subsequently served as managing director of the World Bank for 5 years, before serving as Finance Minister again.
Now you will understand why ‘being Joe Hockey’ really sucks!
The Blowfly suspects that if there are more opportunities to learn humility this Shadow Treasurer will somehow find them.
You were a Roman emperor used to a life of gluttony, being eternally right and experiencing excess to the full.
The Universe has now invited you to be born again and, specifically, to learn humility.
You choose the life before you carefully.
The second of August 1965 seems like a nice day.
You are born of Armenian and Palestinian parents in North Sydney. You have 3 older siblings , attend St Aloysius College and the University of Sydney where you gain an Arts/Law degree. You become President of the SRC and then move into banking and finance before becoming the Director of Policy to the Premier of NSW before entering politics.
You choose politics because it will provide the greatest opportunity to learn humility.
Your first major opportunity comes when John Howard appoints you as a Minister and then you are appointed to Cabinet as the Minister for Employment and Workplace Relations.
You regularly sharpen your wits by appearing on Sunrise with Kochie and Mel and the new shining light of the ALP. He is tough going and while you can see right through him, many Australians can’t.
The ALP’s new messiah goes onto win the election and you start to learn humility----but not before you’ve learned about endurance and muscle pain by walking the Kokoda Trail and then Mt Kiliminjaro.
In due course your leader is Malcolm Turnbull. His style basically suits you. He is a big thinker and he encourages you to do like-wise.
Then shit happens. Tony Abbott becomes the new Opposition leader.
It is a two-edged sword for you. You are now the Shadow Treasurer. It is almost what you’ve always wanted. But you still don’t have the levers of power in your hands. You are now learning about patience----and, oh, economics!
Then Tony Abbott tells you that the only way an Opposition can behave is to disagree with the Government on every damned issue, say ‘No,No,No’ and talk a strong economy down.
You try to get into the swing of this strategy but you struggle and people start to question your economic knowledge. You learn even more humility.
The day comes when you make the most embarrassing gaffe of your career.
Wayne Swan has been named Euromoney magazine’s Finance Minister of the Year. You think he is a total tool. Anyone who comes from Queensland is a total tool---except Bob Katter of course! Oh----and Barnaby Joyce!
You ridicule Wayne Swan in Parliament by drawing attention to the fact that other recipients of this award were from Pakistan and Nigeria.
Unfortunately you have not done your homework.
The Pakistani executed a far-reaching program of economic reform which, for several years, made Pakistan second only to China in terms of economic robustness. Later he served as Prime Minister for 2 years.
The Nigerian negotiated a large debt write-off for her country, and subsequently served as managing director of the World Bank for 5 years, before serving as Finance Minister again.
Now you will understand why ‘being Joe Hockey’ really sucks!
The Blowfly suspects that if there are more opportunities to learn humility this Shadow Treasurer will somehow find them.
Monday, August 01, 2011
What some of the players are REALLY thinking about the Carbon Tax
The Blowfly loves reading other people’s minds when they are not aware of it.
This provides him with with an enormous advantage and, sometimes, a good laugh.
The Blowfly has been wondering what some of the key players really think about the CARBON TAX when they are not in front of the cameras.
Last week The Blowfly polished his antennae and tuned them into an array of politicians, and others, who were thinking about this ‘big new tax’. Here is a summary of the results:
• Julia Gillard: “This tax could well be the end of me. I thought being a red-head would be enough. I wish I had a better speech writer. I hope Tim won’t leave me if I lose office.”
• Tony Abbott: “It’s really getting difficult to remember what I last promised and what my last position on political issues is. It’s hard telling the gospel truth all the time. Do I support the science of climate change or not? Does it matter----as long as I get into power and fulfil my Liberal destiny! What did they teach me at the Seminary about climate change? Who was Copernicus? What’s the latest---- is the Earth flat or round? I love scaring voters! They’re so gullible.”
• Malcolm Turnbull: ”If I play this one right I could be PM within 2 years. Thank you Julia! Abbott is such an idiot. I live in Vaucluse and I’m ungaggable!”
• Joe Hockey: “If I play this one right I could be Turnbull’s deputy within 2 years. Thank you Julia! Abbott is such an idiot. I live in North Sydney and I love economics.”
• Intoxicated poker machine player in the St George Leagues Club: ”Why are these pollsters always asking me questions about which male politician would I prefer as PM?”
• Archbishop George Pell: ”Should I refer this tax to the Pope? He is infallible! What do the Illuminati think? I hope it won’t affect priest numbers. Thankfully they decided not to tax paedophilia! Golly, when I first heard them say they were going to put a tax on emissions I shuddered because I thought was that it might apply to the emissions of my priests and that would be costly.”
• Rupert Murdoch: ”I wish my journalists were all psychics like The Blowfly. Then they wouldn’t have to do phone taps to get stories to sell newspapers. ”
• John Howard: ”Luckily, during my political career I learnt to lie with a straight face. And not feel guilty except for not worshipping Janette daily. I can openly support the Coalition in their stance on this tax although I said that a carbon tax and an ETS were the best things since sliced bread going into my last election. I love scaring voters! They’re so gullible.”
• Andrew Horvath, CEO, Star Scientific,(www.starscientific.com.au) developers of the new technology muon-catalysed fusion: ”We are going to make a motza outta this. Our new technology will allow coal-powered power stations to be retrofitted for $50 million and only require 2 swimming pools of sea water to drive them for a year instead of 4 million tonnes of coal.”
The Blowfly recalls the wise words of George W Bush: “The future will be better tomorrow.”
This provides him with with an enormous advantage and, sometimes, a good laugh.
The Blowfly has been wondering what some of the key players really think about the CARBON TAX when they are not in front of the cameras.
Last week The Blowfly polished his antennae and tuned them into an array of politicians, and others, who were thinking about this ‘big new tax’. Here is a summary of the results:
• Julia Gillard: “This tax could well be the end of me. I thought being a red-head would be enough. I wish I had a better speech writer. I hope Tim won’t leave me if I lose office.”
• Tony Abbott: “It’s really getting difficult to remember what I last promised and what my last position on political issues is. It’s hard telling the gospel truth all the time. Do I support the science of climate change or not? Does it matter----as long as I get into power and fulfil my Liberal destiny! What did they teach me at the Seminary about climate change? Who was Copernicus? What’s the latest---- is the Earth flat or round? I love scaring voters! They’re so gullible.”
• Malcolm Turnbull: ”If I play this one right I could be PM within 2 years. Thank you Julia! Abbott is such an idiot. I live in Vaucluse and I’m ungaggable!”
• Joe Hockey: “If I play this one right I could be Turnbull’s deputy within 2 years. Thank you Julia! Abbott is such an idiot. I live in North Sydney and I love economics.”
• Intoxicated poker machine player in the St George Leagues Club: ”Why are these pollsters always asking me questions about which male politician would I prefer as PM?”
• Archbishop George Pell: ”Should I refer this tax to the Pope? He is infallible! What do the Illuminati think? I hope it won’t affect priest numbers. Thankfully they decided not to tax paedophilia! Golly, when I first heard them say they were going to put a tax on emissions I shuddered because I thought was that it might apply to the emissions of my priests and that would be costly.”
• Rupert Murdoch: ”I wish my journalists were all psychics like The Blowfly. Then they wouldn’t have to do phone taps to get stories to sell newspapers. ”
• John Howard: ”Luckily, during my political career I learnt to lie with a straight face. And not feel guilty except for not worshipping Janette daily. I can openly support the Coalition in their stance on this tax although I said that a carbon tax and an ETS were the best things since sliced bread going into my last election. I love scaring voters! They’re so gullible.”
• Andrew Horvath, CEO, Star Scientific,(www.starscientific.com.au) developers of the new technology muon-catalysed fusion: ”We are going to make a motza outta this. Our new technology will allow coal-powered power stations to be retrofitted for $50 million and only require 2 swimming pools of sea water to drive them for a year instead of 4 million tonnes of coal.”
The Blowfly recalls the wise words of George W Bush: “The future will be better tomorrow.”
Monday, May 30, 2011
The Dreamtime of Tony Abbott
A frantic sense of terror ran through his whole body. He was bathed in sweat. His heart was racing. He could not find refuge.
He ran up the front steps of the Treasury building but the doors were firmly shut. And then to Defence! But everywhere was shut. No doors opened to him.
Then he saw Malcolm Turnbull sitting on a park bench reading the latest Liberal leadership results on his iPad. Malcolm was awash with $100 notes and seemed leaner, meaner and soooo serene. Malcolm noticed his agitated state and smiled.
“Do you want me to take that lovely field-marshall’s baton from you? I could handle it. I was born to rule. I’m from Vaucluse and I have a vision!” exclaimed Malcolm.
Grabbing the baton tighter he turned on his heel but was confronted by Joe Hockey who was carrying a number of totally empty baskets up the Kokoda track. Joe urged him to walk Kokoda with him to get fitter.
Past Joe he ran into a mass of wire, cords and cables. It was the National Broadband Network that he had helped pull down. Someone had left it out on the footpath for ‘garbage-night’ and he’d stumbled into it.
He waved his arms and legs in the air valiantly trying to free himself but became further entwined in the mire of electronic leftovers----- much like quicksand consumes its guests!
His terror elevated.
The ghost of Lord Baden-Powell , founder of the Scout movement came at him. Baden-Powell was holding a huge sign-----‘BE PREPARED’. These words ran through his head again and again. “BE PREPARED. BE PREPARED. BE PREPARED.”
Straining for sanity he recalled the tricks he used at the seminary to remove lustful thoughts from his head but none worked this time.
He splashed ‘holy water’ on his head but no relief came.
He fell to his knees and started to pray.
He screamed “Lord, why have you forsaken me?”
As tears flowed freely down his emaciated face the clouds above him opened and the voice of the Lord bellowed.
“Because you spent 3 years criticising, 2 years calling for an election and no time at all developing policies for the future of your Nation. You sir, should be ashamed of yourself! Just like John Howard YOU FAILED TO PLAN. Return to the Seminary! ”
At that point scabs fell from his eyes and they slowly opened.
He saw again.
But all Tony Abbott could see was the ceiling. And it needed painting!
It had been a bad dream. A nightmare! One of the worst!
As his awareness returned he realised that he’d soiled his pyjamas.
On the bedhead, The Blowfly had enjoyed the performance and, realised the fine line between a dream and reality.
If Julia Gillard did, for some strange reason, call Tony Abbott’s bluff and hold an election now----as Tony Abbott has called for----- he would indeed soil his pyjamas!
Because there is not a Coalition policy in sight! Not one!
He ran up the front steps of the Treasury building but the doors were firmly shut. And then to Defence! But everywhere was shut. No doors opened to him.
Then he saw Malcolm Turnbull sitting on a park bench reading the latest Liberal leadership results on his iPad. Malcolm was awash with $100 notes and seemed leaner, meaner and soooo serene. Malcolm noticed his agitated state and smiled.
“Do you want me to take that lovely field-marshall’s baton from you? I could handle it. I was born to rule. I’m from Vaucluse and I have a vision!” exclaimed Malcolm.
Grabbing the baton tighter he turned on his heel but was confronted by Joe Hockey who was carrying a number of totally empty baskets up the Kokoda track. Joe urged him to walk Kokoda with him to get fitter.
Past Joe he ran into a mass of wire, cords and cables. It was the National Broadband Network that he had helped pull down. Someone had left it out on the footpath for ‘garbage-night’ and he’d stumbled into it.
He waved his arms and legs in the air valiantly trying to free himself but became further entwined in the mire of electronic leftovers----- much like quicksand consumes its guests!
His terror elevated.
The ghost of Lord Baden-Powell , founder of the Scout movement came at him. Baden-Powell was holding a huge sign-----‘BE PREPARED’. These words ran through his head again and again. “BE PREPARED. BE PREPARED. BE PREPARED.”
Straining for sanity he recalled the tricks he used at the seminary to remove lustful thoughts from his head but none worked this time.
He splashed ‘holy water’ on his head but no relief came.
He fell to his knees and started to pray.
He screamed “Lord, why have you forsaken me?”
As tears flowed freely down his emaciated face the clouds above him opened and the voice of the Lord bellowed.
“Because you spent 3 years criticising, 2 years calling for an election and no time at all developing policies for the future of your Nation. You sir, should be ashamed of yourself! Just like John Howard YOU FAILED TO PLAN. Return to the Seminary! ”
At that point scabs fell from his eyes and they slowly opened.
He saw again.
But all Tony Abbott could see was the ceiling. And it needed painting!
It had been a bad dream. A nightmare! One of the worst!
As his awareness returned he realised that he’d soiled his pyjamas.
On the bedhead, The Blowfly had enjoyed the performance and, realised the fine line between a dream and reality.
If Julia Gillard did, for some strange reason, call Tony Abbott’s bluff and hold an election now----as Tony Abbott has called for----- he would indeed soil his pyjamas!
Because there is not a Coalition policy in sight! Not one!
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Inside Tony's head. The Blowfly's report as to what happened.
During the week The Blowfly happened to be in the right place at the right time.
I was on Tony Abbott's shoulder that fateful day last week when Mark Riley from Channel 7 asked him to explain his 'shit happens' comment.
In the fly-world 'shit has to happen' for us to survive. I was born in shit and so were most of my family (except Cousin Percival who was born in an old 'Big Mac'-----a sort of miracle birth given the amount of preservative he had to contend with) so it does not worry me. But it seems to worry humans.
Candidly it was all a little surreal!
That was because Tony Abbott had been warned some 2 hours earlier that Channel 7 was going to ask the question.
The Blowfly was tuned into Tony's thinking from the time the warning came.He knew something big was going to happen-----he could just feel it in his grotty little wings!
This is The Blowfly's best recollection of the thought processes Tony went through leading up to Riley pushing the microphone into his scowling face:
"Shit!Shit!Shit!Shit!Shit!Shit! Are they really going to ask me a question like that?.........err......ummm.....'shit happens' is what we used to say at school when one of us was recruited to be a choir boy........'shit happens' was what Australians thought went Annette Keating announced she was splitting from Paul.......'shit happens' was what the Liberal Party thought when Andrew Peacock starting dating Shirley MacLaine.......Johnny Howard said that 'shit happens' when he made up his mind to introduce a GST on the 'Sunday' programme before he told his parliamentary colleagues.......Peter Costello is now saying it all the time.........."
"Jesus H. Christ I hope that no-one has told Malcolm Turnbull that Channel 7 is going to ask the question.......that little bastard will be standing by the TV gloating his little Eastern Suburb's arse off...........how will I handle this damn question?"
His mind went blank for a few seconds........"error, error......will not compute......error, error"...... but then got into gear again.
"How would John Howard have answered it?........hmmm.......umm......err....I s'pose Janette would've told him what to say.......umm.....err....should I ring her?........no! I'm a Rhodes Scholar and I should be able to stand on my own 2 feet........I'm also the Leader of the Opposition who almost became PM except for several thousand red-neck piss-pots in marginal seats not voting for me.......and I have the balls for this job......I really do!......many people have seen them.....that's why I wear those brief bathers..........maybe I should dream up another 3-word slogan........'no hard questions'........'go easy on Tony'.......no ....err... that has 4 words.......(at this stage you notice his ears twitching which is the sure sign that he has had a good idea)........'fuck Channel 7'......how would that go down?.......mmmm.....tempting......very tempting........I don't think the Australian public is quite ready to hear a Catholic politician use the 'f-word' yet......and I still want the votes of the Christian lobby.......and I'm also still hopeful of getting into heaven........and what would Father Bob say if I swore?.....I wonder what Bob Katter would say?............and I can only imagine what that dipstick Hockey would say...........".
And then it happened again...."error,error,does not compute,error,error,syntax error........"
"Maybe I should just flatten the reporter who asks me the question?......that's what Muhammad Ali would do...........or.....maybe.........I'll give the reporter the 'Julie Bishop stare'......that might work.......it disarms everyone else.....especially these days when it radiates from a deep 'WA-fake tan'.....where did she get that tan from?............oh shit here is Mark Riley!"
At that moment The Blowfly noticed that Tony went into interview mode. His chest bulged, his eyes became piercing and he stood upright.
But when Mark Riley asked the question Tony's brain found itself locked into the last 2 thoughts he'd had.
"Will I deck this guy or will I give him the 'Julie Bishop stare'?......error,error,error.....Will I deck this guy or will I give him the 'Julie Bishop stare'?........error,error,........Will I deck this guy or will I give him the 'Julie Bishop stare'?.....error,error,does not compute.....Will I deck this guy or will I give him the 'Julie Bishop stare'?....error,error,does not compute.......Will I deck this guy or will I give him the 'Julie Bishop stare'?.........." and so on and so on for 30 seconds
His brain locked up with 2 competing attractive thoughts.
His final thought was "Shit happens alright and it just....err....umm..... happened again! God I do hope Malcolm wasn't watching!"
The Blowfly was left to ponder the words of George W. Bush.
"It will take time to restore chaos and order"
Not to mention
"They have miscalculated me as their leader"
I was on Tony Abbott's shoulder that fateful day last week when Mark Riley from Channel 7 asked him to explain his 'shit happens' comment.
In the fly-world 'shit has to happen' for us to survive. I was born in shit and so were most of my family (except Cousin Percival who was born in an old 'Big Mac'-----a sort of miracle birth given the amount of preservative he had to contend with) so it does not worry me. But it seems to worry humans.
Candidly it was all a little surreal!
That was because Tony Abbott had been warned some 2 hours earlier that Channel 7 was going to ask the question.
The Blowfly was tuned into Tony's thinking from the time the warning came.He knew something big was going to happen-----he could just feel it in his grotty little wings!
This is The Blowfly's best recollection of the thought processes Tony went through leading up to Riley pushing the microphone into his scowling face:
"Shit!Shit!Shit!Shit!Shit!Shit! Are they really going to ask me a question like that?.........err......ummm.....'shit happens' is what we used to say at school when one of us was recruited to be a choir boy........'shit happens' was what Australians thought went Annette Keating announced she was splitting from Paul.......'shit happens' was what the Liberal Party thought when Andrew Peacock starting dating Shirley MacLaine.......Johnny Howard said that 'shit happens' when he made up his mind to introduce a GST on the 'Sunday' programme before he told his parliamentary colleagues.......Peter Costello is now saying it all the time.........."
"Jesus H. Christ I hope that no-one has told Malcolm Turnbull that Channel 7 is going to ask the question.......that little bastard will be standing by the TV gloating his little Eastern Suburb's arse off...........how will I handle this damn question?"
His mind went blank for a few seconds........"error, error......will not compute......error, error"...... but then got into gear again.
"How would John Howard have answered it?........hmmm.......umm......err....I s'pose Janette would've told him what to say.......umm.....err....should I ring her?........no! I'm a Rhodes Scholar and I should be able to stand on my own 2 feet........I'm also the Leader of the Opposition who almost became PM except for several thousand red-neck piss-pots in marginal seats not voting for me.......and I have the balls for this job......I really do!......many people have seen them.....that's why I wear those brief bathers..........maybe I should dream up another 3-word slogan........'no hard questions'........'go easy on Tony'.......no ....err... that has 4 words.......(at this stage you notice his ears twitching which is the sure sign that he has had a good idea)........'fuck Channel 7'......how would that go down?.......mmmm.....tempting......very tempting........I don't think the Australian public is quite ready to hear a Catholic politician use the 'f-word' yet......and I still want the votes of the Christian lobby.......and I'm also still hopeful of getting into heaven........and what would Father Bob say if I swore?.....I wonder what Bob Katter would say?............and I can only imagine what that dipstick Hockey would say...........".
And then it happened again...."error,error,does not compute,error,error,syntax error........"
"Maybe I should just flatten the reporter who asks me the question?......that's what Muhammad Ali would do...........or.....maybe.........I'll give the reporter the 'Julie Bishop stare'......that might work.......it disarms everyone else.....especially these days when it radiates from a deep 'WA-fake tan'.....where did she get that tan from?............oh shit here is Mark Riley!"
At that moment The Blowfly noticed that Tony went into interview mode. His chest bulged, his eyes became piercing and he stood upright.
But when Mark Riley asked the question Tony's brain found itself locked into the last 2 thoughts he'd had.
"Will I deck this guy or will I give him the 'Julie Bishop stare'?......error,error,error.....Will I deck this guy or will I give him the 'Julie Bishop stare'?........error,error,........Will I deck this guy or will I give him the 'Julie Bishop stare'?.....error,error,does not compute.....Will I deck this guy or will I give him the 'Julie Bishop stare'?....error,error,does not compute.......Will I deck this guy or will I give him the 'Julie Bishop stare'?.........." and so on and so on for 30 seconds
His brain locked up with 2 competing attractive thoughts.
His final thought was "Shit happens alright and it just....err....umm..... happened again! God I do hope Malcolm wasn't watching!"
The Blowfly was left to ponder the words of George W. Bush.
"It will take time to restore chaos and order"
Not to mention
"They have miscalculated me as their leader"
Monday, November 29, 2010
Tony Abbott will have to adjust more than just his 'budgie smugglers' in 2011
It's been a while since The Blowfly graced the shoulder of the Opposition leader, Tony Abbott.
But this week The Blowfly felt strangely drawn to 'the mad monk' because he'd heard at the 'evening garbage tins' that Tony had invited Andrew Wilkie to have a little chat.And to repeat it weekly whilst Parliament was sitting!
To the Blowfly this was evidence that aliens had landed, abducted the real Tony Abbott, and replaced him with a Malcolm Turnbull look-a-like.
Always interested in UFO activity The Blowfly sought out the Opposition leader's rather difficult-to-land-on shoulder. That is because he is always on the move and the slip-stream caused by his large ears is almost intolerable when you have constant shit on your feet. With shit on your feet cant seem get a good grip on a Catholic shoulder.
But this week you caught him in a rare quiet moment in his ante-room when he indulged himself in a little daydreaming.On his coffee table you noticed a copy of "The Internet for Dummies". You noted its pristine, barely-opened condition.
The Blowfly always finds it easy to read Tony's mind because his larger ears seem to act like thought-amplifiers and what goes on in his brain comes through crystal-clear.
As The Blowfly raised his psychic antennae Tony's thoughts came through loud and clear.
"This Parliament is harder than I thought...... I believed all politicians would respond to blatant pork-barrelling..... these bloody Independents are causing me more bowel movements that I need in my position!..... even that raving lunatic Katter has supported the Government more times than he has supported us..... and that snivelling Wilkie!.....the bastard who blew our cover on Iraq!... even he wouldn't fall for that 'new hospital for his electorate' ploy that Joe Hockey said would work for sure..... what is this world coming to?"
He snorts and then continues.
"Some people are saying that I need to develop a vision for this country and work out what sort of government we are going to be when we finally get in...... good Lord what is an Opposition leader going to have to do next?.... when I was growing up visions were things that Catholic children saw in remote villages after they had been naughty and needed more love from their parents...... 'Little Johnny', as dear as he was to me, only taught me about pork-barrelling....... he was very disparaging about visions...... they were the things Janette had in her sleep he used to say."
He snorts again.
"Malcolm is more suited to this 'vision' stuff.....he thinks differently to me.... he's not a Rhodes Scholar.....he's a business man..... to make shit-loads of money like he has done you need to be able to think a long way ahead......politics is different....its more knee-jerk stuff... anyway politicians on my side are not bright enough to develop visions..... Jesus H Christ they haven't even worked out yet the dis-service I did them by knocking Malcolm off last year...... after he got into bed with Rudd on the ETS, when Rudd pulled the pin on it, the Greens would've voted for us and we would be in power now........ and he's a sneaky little bastard that Turnbull!..... I told him to destroy the NBN.......that's based on what Brother John taught me at school.... "A good Catholic should always destroy anything he does not understand"...... but deep in my bones I feel that Malcolm is really just modifying it and revising our policy so we could win an election with it......just like the ALP did....God forbid!...... I don't know whether to love him or hate him......he thinks he's God just because he has an iPhone and a Twitter account....and errr...... yes......... $200 million............ I can't even use the iPod the kids gave me last year for Christmas......even the Queen can use hers!.... shit, I must be a Luddite".
It was at this moment that his personal assistant entered the room and announced excitedly that Tony had just received an invitation for an audience with the Pope during 2011.His face lit up and his eyes beamed.
Then the let-down. The personal assistant also advised, in a rather droll fashion, that the audience with the Pope coincided with a scheduled sitting day for Parliament.
Because no 'pairs' are allowed by the Opposition he would not be able to attend.
The Blowfly smiled a knowing smile, rubbed his shitty feet together, and alighted, reassured that this Universe is still in the hands of a God with a sense of humour.
But this week The Blowfly felt strangely drawn to 'the mad monk' because he'd heard at the 'evening garbage tins' that Tony had invited Andrew Wilkie to have a little chat.And to repeat it weekly whilst Parliament was sitting!
To the Blowfly this was evidence that aliens had landed, abducted the real Tony Abbott, and replaced him with a Malcolm Turnbull look-a-like.
Always interested in UFO activity The Blowfly sought out the Opposition leader's rather difficult-to-land-on shoulder. That is because he is always on the move and the slip-stream caused by his large ears is almost intolerable when you have constant shit on your feet. With shit on your feet cant seem get a good grip on a Catholic shoulder.
But this week you caught him in a rare quiet moment in his ante-room when he indulged himself in a little daydreaming.On his coffee table you noticed a copy of "The Internet for Dummies". You noted its pristine, barely-opened condition.
The Blowfly always finds it easy to read Tony's mind because his larger ears seem to act like thought-amplifiers and what goes on in his brain comes through crystal-clear.
As The Blowfly raised his psychic antennae Tony's thoughts came through loud and clear.
"This Parliament is harder than I thought...... I believed all politicians would respond to blatant pork-barrelling..... these bloody Independents are causing me more bowel movements that I need in my position!..... even that raving lunatic Katter has supported the Government more times than he has supported us..... and that snivelling Wilkie!.....the bastard who blew our cover on Iraq!... even he wouldn't fall for that 'new hospital for his electorate' ploy that Joe Hockey said would work for sure..... what is this world coming to?"
He snorts and then continues.
"Some people are saying that I need to develop a vision for this country and work out what sort of government we are going to be when we finally get in...... good Lord what is an Opposition leader going to have to do next?.... when I was growing up visions were things that Catholic children saw in remote villages after they had been naughty and needed more love from their parents...... 'Little Johnny', as dear as he was to me, only taught me about pork-barrelling....... he was very disparaging about visions...... they were the things Janette had in her sleep he used to say."
He snorts again.
"Malcolm is more suited to this 'vision' stuff.....he thinks differently to me.... he's not a Rhodes Scholar.....he's a business man..... to make shit-loads of money like he has done you need to be able to think a long way ahead......politics is different....its more knee-jerk stuff... anyway politicians on my side are not bright enough to develop visions..... Jesus H Christ they haven't even worked out yet the dis-service I did them by knocking Malcolm off last year...... after he got into bed with Rudd on the ETS, when Rudd pulled the pin on it, the Greens would've voted for us and we would be in power now........ and he's a sneaky little bastard that Turnbull!..... I told him to destroy the NBN.......that's based on what Brother John taught me at school.... "A good Catholic should always destroy anything he does not understand"...... but deep in my bones I feel that Malcolm is really just modifying it and revising our policy so we could win an election with it......just like the ALP did....God forbid!...... I don't know whether to love him or hate him......he thinks he's God just because he has an iPhone and a Twitter account....and errr...... yes......... $200 million............ I can't even use the iPod the kids gave me last year for Christmas......even the Queen can use hers!.... shit, I must be a Luddite".
It was at this moment that his personal assistant entered the room and announced excitedly that Tony had just received an invitation for an audience with the Pope during 2011.His face lit up and his eyes beamed.
Then the let-down. The personal assistant also advised, in a rather droll fashion, that the audience with the Pope coincided with a scheduled sitting day for Parliament.
Because no 'pairs' are allowed by the Opposition he would not be able to attend.
The Blowfly smiled a knowing smile, rubbed his shitty feet together, and alighted, reassured that this Universe is still in the hands of a God with a sense of humour.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Hockey's 'bank-bashing' redefines the notion of 'Liberal'
The Blowfly has sometimes been possessed with a fascination for things on the North Shore of Sydney.
Mostly the garbage! It's always of a higher quality!
And recently the noises by the federal Member for North Sydney have reinforced The Blowfly's views that the garbage on the North Shore is more comprehensively enticing, mystifying and strangely tasteless.
Not to mention John Howard's book----which surely must rate an all-time high in respect to North Shore refuse!
Joe Hockey is trying to establish himself as the champion of the little voter by becoming a 'bank-bashing boofhead'.
His line is simple!
The Australian banks have ripped Australians off and are continuing to wreak havoc on economic activity in this country.
The Blowfly learnt during the week that the big four Australian banks are all in the top 20 safest banks in the world as rated by Global Finance magazine (interestingly enough there are no US banks in the top 20 safest banks).Rankings were NAB (11), Westpac (12), CBA (13), ANZ (16).
The Blowfly has also absorbed Phil Ruthven's column in the Business Review Weekly this week. Phil points out that all the journalistic reporting on the nightly television focuses on the quantity of profits rather than the relative profits.
If you look at the profits in relation to the amount of shareholders' funds required to produce them you will find a different story to anguish about.
Ruthven points out that none of the 4 banks rate in the Top 10 largest listed companies in Australia when it comes to returns on shareholders funds. In fact he reports they are well down the Top 30 list.
Now here is the tightrope that Hockey is walking.
In these times when other countries around the world are still experiencing stress and failures Australia's greatest asset could well be its strong banking sector. We need to nurture that situation.
But in terms of capital employed our banks are being outperformed locally by Fortescue Metals, Telstra, AMP, Coca Cola Amatil, Woolworths, BHP Billiton and QBE Insurance Group.
This leads The Blowfly to his juiciest dilemma.
The Blowfly's simple understanding of being a 'Liberal' is that the private sector should be left alone as much as possible to pursue it's goals and then we all benefit from the fruits of 'private enterprise'.
Our friend Joe, The Blowfly believes,is simply trying to get traction by making a noise. He knows that we all hate the banks.
But his antics hide the real dilemma for Australians!
Which side of politics will spend the time developing the vision for our nation.
Possessed of a robust banking sector, armed with a National Broadband Network, endowed with a raft of mineral resources and prettied-up by some bloody good intellectual resources, beaches and sheilas we have a lot going for us as we slide into the future.
Will we be able to exploit all this to put Australians into a position where our children will be able to look back in 50 years time and admire us for the astute and visionary way we tackled the future in 2010?
We might well ponder the words of Grouch Marx:"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions------the curtain was up!"
Unfortunately for Hockey the curtain is up!
Let's hope intermission comes soon.The second act could only be better!
Mostly the garbage! It's always of a higher quality!
And recently the noises by the federal Member for North Sydney have reinforced The Blowfly's views that the garbage on the North Shore is more comprehensively enticing, mystifying and strangely tasteless.
Not to mention John Howard's book----which surely must rate an all-time high in respect to North Shore refuse!
Joe Hockey is trying to establish himself as the champion of the little voter by becoming a 'bank-bashing boofhead'.
His line is simple!
The Australian banks have ripped Australians off and are continuing to wreak havoc on economic activity in this country.
The Blowfly learnt during the week that the big four Australian banks are all in the top 20 safest banks in the world as rated by Global Finance magazine (interestingly enough there are no US banks in the top 20 safest banks).Rankings were NAB (11), Westpac (12), CBA (13), ANZ (16).
The Blowfly has also absorbed Phil Ruthven's column in the Business Review Weekly this week. Phil points out that all the journalistic reporting on the nightly television focuses on the quantity of profits rather than the relative profits.
If you look at the profits in relation to the amount of shareholders' funds required to produce them you will find a different story to anguish about.
Ruthven points out that none of the 4 banks rate in the Top 10 largest listed companies in Australia when it comes to returns on shareholders funds. In fact he reports they are well down the Top 30 list.
Now here is the tightrope that Hockey is walking.
In these times when other countries around the world are still experiencing stress and failures Australia's greatest asset could well be its strong banking sector. We need to nurture that situation.
But in terms of capital employed our banks are being outperformed locally by Fortescue Metals, Telstra, AMP, Coca Cola Amatil, Woolworths, BHP Billiton and QBE Insurance Group.
This leads The Blowfly to his juiciest dilemma.
The Blowfly's simple understanding of being a 'Liberal' is that the private sector should be left alone as much as possible to pursue it's goals and then we all benefit from the fruits of 'private enterprise'.
Our friend Joe, The Blowfly believes,is simply trying to get traction by making a noise. He knows that we all hate the banks.
But his antics hide the real dilemma for Australians!
Which side of politics will spend the time developing the vision for our nation.
Possessed of a robust banking sector, armed with a National Broadband Network, endowed with a raft of mineral resources and prettied-up by some bloody good intellectual resources, beaches and sheilas we have a lot going for us as we slide into the future.
Will we be able to exploit all this to put Australians into a position where our children will be able to look back in 50 years time and admire us for the astute and visionary way we tackled the future in 2010?
We might well ponder the words of Grouch Marx:"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions------the curtain was up!"
Unfortunately for Hockey the curtain is up!
Let's hope intermission comes soon.The second act could only be better!
Sunday, October 10, 2010
In the Confessional with Opposition leader, Tony Abbott
It was quiet! It was dark! It was cool! And it was...... peaceful!
The Blowfly had never been into a confessional before.
But when you ride on the shoulders of Australia's leaders you have to 'expect the unexpected' and 'go with the flow'.
On second thoughts it was not really 'the unexpected' to have the Opposition Leader going into a confessional.
After all it is what a thinking insect would expect from someone who began his schooling at St Aloysius' College and then to St Ignatius College, Riverview, a stint at Sydney University and then Oxford before studying for the priesthood at St Patrick's Seminary in Manly.
Throughout this time he was utterly Catholic in his behaviour earning the nickname "The Mad Monk" and writing articles for, inter alia, The Catholic Weekly.
So for that reason, although the confessional was a 'virgin' experience for The Blowfly, the Leader of Her Majesty's Opposition was very much at home.
This is how it went.
"Bless me Father, for I have ahhh sinned.It has been 6 months since my last....errrr.... confession. I know I have previously confessed to the way I knocked off Malcolm Turnbull but ahhhh I feel so damned guilty about it that I need to confess it again. And while I'm at it errr I need to confess my envy of Peter Costello and the way he has with words and I also need to ahhh.. confess the way I let him believe that Howard was serious about standing down errr before the 2007 election. I'm sorry to trouble you with these ahhh old woes Father, but it is necessary for my own sanity to lay them to rest. And that's ahhh.. the 'gospel truth' Father."
Even from his shoulder you feel a huge sigh of relief from this good little Catholic trouper.
" And, Father, I errrr need to confess that I knew about the 'black hole' in the ahhhh budget projections coming up to the election.Hockey and Robb made me hide it. It reflected more on them than me ahhhh because I just left all this sort of complicated stuff to them. Just like I left that ahhh damned National Broadband network to others and it came back to errr haunt me. How can I be expected to be across all these policy areas? Hell I'm struggling to read my bible study notes each night and work out strategies for ahhhh keeping Turnbull away from the leadership much less get across all our errr policy documents! That's why I don't think we should have too many new policies. I'm struggling to do all the reading for the existing ones!"
"Father I also want to confess ahhh being duplicitous in dealing with the Independents. I just wantederrr to get the hands of power away from those dirty union yobbos. I shouldn't have told Pyne to sign anything! Ahhh I know! I know!And Father, I thought it would be a really good idea to build a new hospital for Andrew Wilke. It was only going to cost ahhh $1 billion. Hockey told me 'in for a penny, in for a pound' after the 'black hole' trick. 'What's a billion here or there?' he said."
The Blowfly could feel Tony Abbott was really warming to the task at hand and before too much longer he might really , as Laurie Oakes puts it, 'shoot his mouth off'.
"And Father I also told a little ahhhh errrr fib when I spoke about a 'kinder, gentler polity'. I didn't really mean it.I had ahhh enjoyed a mushroom sauce on my rib-eye that day and it must've affected me." {Note: The Blowfly had also enjoyed the mushroom sauce on Tony's rib-eye that day when Tony was not looking . He confirms that there was something a little fishy about it. The Blowfly also found himself becoming a little unrealistic and slightly maudlin but put it down to the overwhelming smell of Bob Katter's hat}
"Father I also wish to ahhh confess false pride. Whenever I put my 'budgie smugglers' on I feel like errrr a real man. I first noticed this feeling at the Seminary.That's when a knew ahhh being a priest was not going to work."
"Oh dear me Father this seems like a long confession. I hope I'm burdening you. After all, that is how errrr it is supposed to work!"
"Father, ahhh I also need to confess that I have a particular lustful feeling for redheads.That's the real reason I didn't want to go with Julia Gillard to Afghanistan. The thought of being on a long flight with her was going to be too much of a torment. I didn't want to go down the Gareth Evans and Cheryl Kernot track."
"I also want to confess ahhh about climate change, Father. I actually do believe that errr something is going on Father, and I know that if I continue with my position I am going to leave the way open for errr Malcolm Turnbull to take the leadership again. The Goldman Sachs juggernaut just can't be stopped. What's good for them is ahhh good for the world! And Malcolm used to work with them. And 'big business' who are my backers are going to want a carbon price and a trading scheme.At the Tory conference in the UK last week I errr got an earful of it.They're looking forward at the opportunities for a green economy! But I can only see Turnbull grinning at me from his iPhone! And what is this damn Twitter thing anyway and I'll bet he's behind that @tonyabbutt who takes me off on Twitter?"
His rant is broken by the kind words of the priest. "This is confession my son, not a counselling session.Please stick to your sins!"
"Sorry Father! It's been a long year and I've had to face so many disappointments. I'll leave it at that and promise not to leave it as long before my next confession."
"Well my son," said the priest in a thoughtful drawl, "I want you to say the Rosary 10 times and then 20 Hail Mary's and I want you to grant the Government a 'pairing' arrangement----the one that Rob Oakeshott and you had agreed to-----to atone for your sins. I am just doing you a favor my son, because if ever there was something that you've done that is going to backfire on you it will be that. Do you understand my son?"
Abbott looked puzzled.
"And my son, I want you to complete 2 Ironman Triathlon events this year to get rid of some of that testosterone!"
He looked even more puzzled.His ears appeared to flap.
As he walked from the confessional and into the sunlight he thought to himself:
"No wonder I haven't been to ahhh confession for so long.It was ahhh better when I was younger and I just had to confess all my errr sexual exploits.I felt really bad about them-----but the things I errr confessed today didn't really feel ahhh all that bad."
The Blowfly recalled the words of Jonathan Swift:"There is nothing in the world constant, but inconstancy"
The Blowfly had never been into a confessional before.
But when you ride on the shoulders of Australia's leaders you have to 'expect the unexpected' and 'go with the flow'.
On second thoughts it was not really 'the unexpected' to have the Opposition Leader going into a confessional.
After all it is what a thinking insect would expect from someone who began his schooling at St Aloysius' College and then to St Ignatius College, Riverview, a stint at Sydney University and then Oxford before studying for the priesthood at St Patrick's Seminary in Manly.
Throughout this time he was utterly Catholic in his behaviour earning the nickname "The Mad Monk" and writing articles for, inter alia, The Catholic Weekly.
So for that reason, although the confessional was a 'virgin' experience for The Blowfly, the Leader of Her Majesty's Opposition was very much at home.
This is how it went.
"Bless me Father, for I have ahhh sinned.It has been 6 months since my last....errrr.... confession. I know I have previously confessed to the way I knocked off Malcolm Turnbull but ahhhh I feel so damned guilty about it that I need to confess it again. And while I'm at it errr I need to confess my envy of Peter Costello and the way he has with words and I also need to ahhh.. confess the way I let him believe that Howard was serious about standing down errr before the 2007 election. I'm sorry to trouble you with these ahhh old woes Father, but it is necessary for my own sanity to lay them to rest. And that's ahhh.. the 'gospel truth' Father."
Even from his shoulder you feel a huge sigh of relief from this good little Catholic trouper.
" And, Father, I errrr need to confess that I knew about the 'black hole' in the ahhhh budget projections coming up to the election.Hockey and Robb made me hide it. It reflected more on them than me ahhhh because I just left all this sort of complicated stuff to them. Just like I left that ahhh damned National Broadband network to others and it came back to errr haunt me. How can I be expected to be across all these policy areas? Hell I'm struggling to read my bible study notes each night and work out strategies for ahhhh keeping Turnbull away from the leadership much less get across all our errr policy documents! That's why I don't think we should have too many new policies. I'm struggling to do all the reading for the existing ones!"
"Father I also want to confess ahhh being duplicitous in dealing with the Independents. I just wantederrr to get the hands of power away from those dirty union yobbos. I shouldn't have told Pyne to sign anything! Ahhh I know! I know!And Father, I thought it would be a really good idea to build a new hospital for Andrew Wilke. It was only going to cost ahhh $1 billion. Hockey told me 'in for a penny, in for a pound' after the 'black hole' trick. 'What's a billion here or there?' he said."
The Blowfly could feel Tony Abbott was really warming to the task at hand and before too much longer he might really , as Laurie Oakes puts it, 'shoot his mouth off'.
"And Father I also told a little ahhhh errrr fib when I spoke about a 'kinder, gentler polity'. I didn't really mean it.I had ahhh enjoyed a mushroom sauce on my rib-eye that day and it must've affected me." {Note: The Blowfly had also enjoyed the mushroom sauce on Tony's rib-eye that day when Tony was not looking . He confirms that there was something a little fishy about it. The Blowfly also found himself becoming a little unrealistic and slightly maudlin but put it down to the overwhelming smell of Bob Katter's hat}
"Father I also wish to ahhh confess false pride. Whenever I put my 'budgie smugglers' on I feel like errrr a real man. I first noticed this feeling at the Seminary.That's when a knew ahhh being a priest was not going to work."
"Oh dear me Father this seems like a long confession. I hope I'm burdening you. After all, that is how errrr it is supposed to work!"
"Father, ahhh I also need to confess that I have a particular lustful feeling for redheads.That's the real reason I didn't want to go with Julia Gillard to Afghanistan. The thought of being on a long flight with her was going to be too much of a torment. I didn't want to go down the Gareth Evans and Cheryl Kernot track."
"I also want to confess ahhh about climate change, Father. I actually do believe that errr something is going on Father, and I know that if I continue with my position I am going to leave the way open for errr Malcolm Turnbull to take the leadership again. The Goldman Sachs juggernaut just can't be stopped. What's good for them is ahhh good for the world! And Malcolm used to work with them. And 'big business' who are my backers are going to want a carbon price and a trading scheme.At the Tory conference in the UK last week I errr got an earful of it.They're looking forward at the opportunities for a green economy! But I can only see Turnbull grinning at me from his iPhone! And what is this damn Twitter thing anyway and I'll bet he's behind that @tonyabbutt who takes me off on Twitter?"
His rant is broken by the kind words of the priest. "This is confession my son, not a counselling session.Please stick to your sins!"
"Sorry Father! It's been a long year and I've had to face so many disappointments. I'll leave it at that and promise not to leave it as long before my next confession."
"Well my son," said the priest in a thoughtful drawl, "I want you to say the Rosary 10 times and then 20 Hail Mary's and I want you to grant the Government a 'pairing' arrangement----the one that Rob Oakeshott and you had agreed to-----to atone for your sins. I am just doing you a favor my son, because if ever there was something that you've done that is going to backfire on you it will be that. Do you understand my son?"
Abbott looked puzzled.
"And my son, I want you to complete 2 Ironman Triathlon events this year to get rid of some of that testosterone!"
He looked even more puzzled.His ears appeared to flap.
As he walked from the confessional and into the sunlight he thought to himself:
"No wonder I haven't been to ahhh confession for so long.It was ahhh better when I was younger and I just had to confess all my errr sexual exploits.I felt really bad about them-----but the things I errr confessed today didn't really feel ahhh all that bad."
The Blowfly recalled the words of Jonathan Swift:"There is nothing in the world constant, but inconstancy"
Monday, June 21, 2010
KRudd should take more notice of his wife---like Howard did!
"Don't you dare swear at me in Mandarin", she said rather crossly and with some venom in her voice.
"And if you start another sentence off with 'Well, you know something Therese' or 'Can I say to you Therese' I will truly reach over and rip your testicles out".
The Blowfly at that moment fell off the bed-head, where he had positioned himself, and rolled down behind the PM's pillow still overcome with the stitches of the belly laugh that had overcome him.
As The Blowfly recovered himself and headed off towards the PM's bed-lamp he could hardly wait to hear the rest of this fascinating 'pillow discussion' between Australia's first lady and her 'rapidly-fading-at-the-polls' Mandarin-speaking husband.
"I don't want to be like Janette Howard. I have a business of my own. She had nothing in her life but her darling little husband.She had reasons to feed him all that bullshit about 'the Party wanting him to stay' and 'no-one else could do it' but I don't."
KRudd was cowering in his bed clutching his pillow for security and trying to find some new ways of starting his sentence---now that his favorite ways had been derided so succinctly by his darling wife. She continued.
"I guarantee you Kevin, if you walk into any pet shop in Australia the resident galah will be talking about how Julia could do a better job than you running the country," she exclaimed.
KRudd smiled timidly. Paul Keating was alive after all, he thought. And he loved her all the more when she got cross at him because she would often come out with a little political gem.
"I love you , Pumpkin" the PM said, fluttering his eye-lids at her lovingly, from the security of his pillow.
"Don't butter me up with that 'Pumpkin' shit. I'm serious," Therese retorted.
"I want you to go out on top.You could be the hero of your time. The Duke of Windsor of the internet age.You would protect your legacy and you would also make Julia the first woman Prime Minister for Australia. She would do a tremendous job. and you could coach her in Mandarin so she'll be more like you. We have Skype now darling!You could do it face-to-face.And she will drive Tony Abbott crazy with her red-hair and beguiling smile.I'd like to see that! And I'll introduce her to my hair-dresser.She'll be great!"
"You could go and do all those 'big-noting' things until that UN appointment comes up. You could help Barack fix the oil-spill in the Gulf of Mexico.You could find out how Paul Hogan avoided all that tax.You could travel more.Are there any places you haven't been?"
"For God's sake leave the Resource Super Profits Tax to Julia. She has the balls to take them on.She has the management skills and the savvy. She runs more departments than you do and she doesn't have to get up as early as you. She could run the country with one arm behind her back." Therese eased off for a second.
And then she hit him between the eyes.
"It is better to be a nobody who accomplishes something than a somebody who accomplishes nothing."
That hurt! The Blowfly saw the PM's face falter and a little tear come into his eye.
You see him thinking. Your antennae went up. His thought came into your head.
"Therese is probably right.It's great to be great but it is greater to be human. Will Rogers I think!The problem is finding the face-saving way to abdicate. Joe Hockey will laugh at me.And what would Barack think?"
He looked her in the eye."Darling you are right. Absolutely right!Now come and give me a cuddle. I want to go out on top!But go easy because I don't want to do a 'Billy Snedden'.Although that would give Julia a straight run.Mmmmmm."
The Blowfly rolled his eyes at the directness of his carnal instincts but knew it was time to depart----after all this is a family blog!
As he buzzed off The Blowfly recalled the words of Allen: "Man has made his bedlam;let him lie in it."
"And if you start another sentence off with 'Well, you know something Therese' or 'Can I say to you Therese' I will truly reach over and rip your testicles out".
The Blowfly at that moment fell off the bed-head, where he had positioned himself, and rolled down behind the PM's pillow still overcome with the stitches of the belly laugh that had overcome him.
As The Blowfly recovered himself and headed off towards the PM's bed-lamp he could hardly wait to hear the rest of this fascinating 'pillow discussion' between Australia's first lady and her 'rapidly-fading-at-the-polls' Mandarin-speaking husband.
"I don't want to be like Janette Howard. I have a business of my own. She had nothing in her life but her darling little husband.She had reasons to feed him all that bullshit about 'the Party wanting him to stay' and 'no-one else could do it' but I don't."
KRudd was cowering in his bed clutching his pillow for security and trying to find some new ways of starting his sentence---now that his favorite ways had been derided so succinctly by his darling wife. She continued.
"I guarantee you Kevin, if you walk into any pet shop in Australia the resident galah will be talking about how Julia could do a better job than you running the country," she exclaimed.
KRudd smiled timidly. Paul Keating was alive after all, he thought. And he loved her all the more when she got cross at him because she would often come out with a little political gem.
"I love you , Pumpkin" the PM said, fluttering his eye-lids at her lovingly, from the security of his pillow.
"Don't butter me up with that 'Pumpkin' shit. I'm serious," Therese retorted.
"I want you to go out on top.You could be the hero of your time. The Duke of Windsor of the internet age.You would protect your legacy and you would also make Julia the first woman Prime Minister for Australia. She would do a tremendous job. and you could coach her in Mandarin so she'll be more like you. We have Skype now darling!You could do it face-to-face.And she will drive Tony Abbott crazy with her red-hair and beguiling smile.I'd like to see that! And I'll introduce her to my hair-dresser.She'll be great!"
"You could go and do all those 'big-noting' things until that UN appointment comes up. You could help Barack fix the oil-spill in the Gulf of Mexico.You could find out how Paul Hogan avoided all that tax.You could travel more.Are there any places you haven't been?"
"For God's sake leave the Resource Super Profits Tax to Julia. She has the balls to take them on.She has the management skills and the savvy. She runs more departments than you do and she doesn't have to get up as early as you. She could run the country with one arm behind her back." Therese eased off for a second.
And then she hit him between the eyes.
"It is better to be a nobody who accomplishes something than a somebody who accomplishes nothing."
That hurt! The Blowfly saw the PM's face falter and a little tear come into his eye.
You see him thinking. Your antennae went up. His thought came into your head.
"Therese is probably right.It's great to be great but it is greater to be human. Will Rogers I think!The problem is finding the face-saving way to abdicate. Joe Hockey will laugh at me.And what would Barack think?"
He looked her in the eye."Darling you are right. Absolutely right!Now come and give me a cuddle. I want to go out on top!But go easy because I don't want to do a 'Billy Snedden'.Although that would give Julia a straight run.Mmmmmm."
The Blowfly rolled his eyes at the directness of his carnal instincts but knew it was time to depart----after all this is a family blog!
As he buzzed off The Blowfly recalled the words of Allen: "Man has made his bedlam;let him lie in it."
Sunday, May 02, 2010
Turnbull could be Prime minister after all!
This week The Blowfly has been hanging around Malcolm Turnbull like a bad smell.
The Blowfly prefers the rich. They have better class garbage and are more prone to thinking they are right.He loves winners!
For some months The Blowfly has been trying to get inside Malcolm's head regarding his plans for the future. He knows that Malcolm thinks big thoughts and he hates not having the levers in his hands.
The Blowfly was able to learn a few things when Malcolm was relaxing in his Vaucluse jacuzzi mid-week.
Imagine if you will, Malcolm determined to treat himself to a little deserving luxury after his morning coffee. Parliament was not sitting so it was a glass of champers, the Financial Review and the Sydney Morning Herald and a stream of sunshine coming in through the conservatory roof. Life could, on the surface, not be better for the Member for Wentworth.
The Blowfly very gently eases himself onto Malcolm's hair while he reads the papers. Almost straightaway his thoughts become yours and you are at one.The channelling session went something like this.
"Damn good life this being a back-bencher!................I could take more of this.............but still I feel that this indolence is not me...........I feel my life is lacking something..........am I happy?...............Happy? What is happy?...............I was happy when I knocked Kerry Packer over............I was happy when I was the head of Goldman Sachs in Australia......Jesus, those bastards are not looking too good now.........but I would've done the same............if I'd invested in sub-prime mortgages I would've found a way to cover my arse by shorting them somehow............ I was happy in my Spycatcher trial days..........I was happy when I made all that money from Ozemail............I was happy when the little rodent gave me the Water portfolio...................what does make me happy?"
He ponders for a moment and slowly sips his champers.
The the light comes on in his head. A very bright glow it is too! You can feel your feet warming up because it is turning out quite a few kilowatts.
"Lucy always tells me that I'm only happy when I am the centre of attention.Come to think of it I remember Kerry Packer telling me that too!..............they couldn't both be wrong!..........maybe I need to focus on being the centre of attention again...............how can I do that?.......maybe I should stay in politics?...........it would certainly give me more to do...........and I love irritating that tosser Abbott........and Joe!.........he's such a nice guy but so gullible...........and Christ , that damned KRudd has done a back-flip on the ETS when I put my leadership on the line for it.............hmmmmmm..............I wonder if I was set-up..............hmmmm....................."
He gently closes his eyes.
The biblical character, Lazarus, comes into his head.
"Could I rise from the dead like the little rodent did? I'm a lawyer. I'm wealthy. I married well. I have more going for me than he did when he made that 'Lazarus with a triple by-pass' remark.And only in the Liberal Party do souffles rise twice!"
The rapid eye movements start. He is dreaming.
Your antennae go up a little further.
You see an image of Tony Abbott's car being hit by a truck in Gippsland. You see an image of Joe Hockey having a massive heart attack on a treadmill.You see an image of Julius Caesar being hailed a hero in Rome.You see an image of Kevin Rudd being bludgeoned to death by Bob Brown and Penny Wong.You see Penny Wong being speared by Barnaby Joyce. Then you see an image of Malcolm walking across the harbour, climbing the bridge and then standing to the acclaim of the populace.
You are excited. The Blowfly has his own dreams but Malcolm's dreams are of truly staggering proportions.
He snuffles. His eyes open.He comes to grips with his surrounds.
Then he leaps from the jacuzzi and streaks down the hallway yelling.
"Lucy, Lucy! I thought I was dead but I am risen.I'm not going to resign. I'M GOING TO BE PRIME MINISTER AFTER ALL!"
The words of Darrow come into The Blowfly's mind. He said "When I was a boy, I was told anybody could be President;I'm beginning to believe it."
The Blowfly prefers the rich. They have better class garbage and are more prone to thinking they are right.He loves winners!
For some months The Blowfly has been trying to get inside Malcolm's head regarding his plans for the future. He knows that Malcolm thinks big thoughts and he hates not having the levers in his hands.
The Blowfly was able to learn a few things when Malcolm was relaxing in his Vaucluse jacuzzi mid-week.
Imagine if you will, Malcolm determined to treat himself to a little deserving luxury after his morning coffee. Parliament was not sitting so it was a glass of champers, the Financial Review and the Sydney Morning Herald and a stream of sunshine coming in through the conservatory roof. Life could, on the surface, not be better for the Member for Wentworth.
The Blowfly very gently eases himself onto Malcolm's hair while he reads the papers. Almost straightaway his thoughts become yours and you are at one.The channelling session went something like this.
"Damn good life this being a back-bencher!................I could take more of this.............but still I feel that this indolence is not me...........I feel my life is lacking something..........am I happy?...............Happy? What is happy?...............I was happy when I knocked Kerry Packer over............I was happy when I was the head of Goldman Sachs in Australia......Jesus, those bastards are not looking too good now.........but I would've done the same............if I'd invested in sub-prime mortgages I would've found a way to cover my arse by shorting them somehow............ I was happy in my Spycatcher trial days..........I was happy when I made all that money from Ozemail............I was happy when the little rodent gave me the Water portfolio...................what does make me happy?"
He ponders for a moment and slowly sips his champers.
The the light comes on in his head. A very bright glow it is too! You can feel your feet warming up because it is turning out quite a few kilowatts.
"Lucy always tells me that I'm only happy when I am the centre of attention.Come to think of it I remember Kerry Packer telling me that too!..............they couldn't both be wrong!..........maybe I need to focus on being the centre of attention again...............how can I do that?.......maybe I should stay in politics?...........it would certainly give me more to do...........and I love irritating that tosser Abbott........and Joe!.........he's such a nice guy but so gullible...........and Christ , that damned KRudd has done a back-flip on the ETS when I put my leadership on the line for it.............hmmmmmm..............I wonder if I was set-up..............hmmmm....................."
He gently closes his eyes.
The biblical character, Lazarus, comes into his head.
"Could I rise from the dead like the little rodent did? I'm a lawyer. I'm wealthy. I married well. I have more going for me than he did when he made that 'Lazarus with a triple by-pass' remark.And only in the Liberal Party do souffles rise twice!"
The rapid eye movements start. He is dreaming.
Your antennae go up a little further.
You see an image of Tony Abbott's car being hit by a truck in Gippsland. You see an image of Joe Hockey having a massive heart attack on a treadmill.You see an image of Julius Caesar being hailed a hero in Rome.You see an image of Kevin Rudd being bludgeoned to death by Bob Brown and Penny Wong.You see Penny Wong being speared by Barnaby Joyce. Then you see an image of Malcolm walking across the harbour, climbing the bridge and then standing to the acclaim of the populace.
You are excited. The Blowfly has his own dreams but Malcolm's dreams are of truly staggering proportions.
He snuffles. His eyes open.He comes to grips with his surrounds.
Then he leaps from the jacuzzi and streaks down the hallway yelling.
"Lucy, Lucy! I thought I was dead but I am risen.I'm not going to resign. I'M GOING TO BE PRIME MINISTER AFTER ALL!"
The words of Darrow come into The Blowfly's mind. He said "When I was a boy, I was told anybody could be President;I'm beginning to believe it."
Monday, February 22, 2010
The Week of Near Misses: for Peter Garrett and Tony Abbott.
The Blowfly is of the that this week might well be referred to as 'The Week of Near Misses'.
Firstly we had Tony Abbott's near miss. He nearly met a nasty end at the hands of a semi-trailer near Colac in Victoria.The Blowfly wonders whether the Liberal Party would've been able to cope should the incident have been lethal.
Then , in Victoria, taxpayers had a near miss when the Brumby Government, first proposed and then dropped a 'bin tax'.The adage of 'Victorian by name, Victorian by nature' was set to manifest again.The Blowfly, predictably, is against any tax which may reduce the number of bins.But he would favor an 'open-bin' policy.The interesting aspect of this is the they dumped it after a taxpayer-funded survey indicated the unwillingness of taxpayers to support it. Is John Brumby likely to be developing more policy options by surveying taxpayers?What a novel approach to policy development? Asking taxpayers what they think!
The Blowfly acknowledges that not all near misses have negative connotations.
Catholics rejoiced at the announcement that Mary McKillop would be made a saint. For The Blowfly this was a near miss because it could've gone either way. The relationship between the prayers of a lay-person and healing are so common place amongst non-Catholics that The Blowfly is staggered at this elevation.But for Catholics miracles are harder to come by.
Then we have the 23 year old Cooma girl who , raised as a devout Mormon and shunning pre-marital sex and alcohol, went for it and won a Gold Medal in the Winter Games in Vancouver for the women's snowboarding half-pipe event.It was a near miss because a split second or momentary falter could've left her abstinence totally unrewarded in gold medal terms.
But the award for the 'near miss of the week' goes to Peter Garrett.
The Blowfly was aloft Garrett's tall shoulder on his first day in Parliament. It was after all the best platform to see over the array of green seats.
On that auspicious occasion Peter whispered to Kevin Rudd, "So this is what the enemy looks like?"
The PM set him straight. "No , Peter, that is the Opposition. The enemy is behind us!"
And that is why Peter Garrett has had a near miss.Tony Abbott's attacks are not what he should fear. The unions will now fall in behind to protect their members from the 4-month gap in the insulation programme that will cause unemployment and much angst. This is an election year and his fellow Ministers will be very unforgiving no matter how many Green votes he brings.Peter may not remember that a "cabinet minister is someone who has climbed so high up the ladder of success that all that is visible is his arse". Unfortunately Peter's arse is exposed.
But Tony Abbott is running the ball up and getting all the credit for off-siding Garrett. He finds it exciting.It is for these very moments that he lives. It is for these very moments that he maintains his fitness by cycling , swimming and boxing. These activities produce testosterone.
And as long as you will tell no-one The Blowfly will share with you a conversation he heard between Tony Abbott and his deputy Joe Hockey in the Commonwealth car they shared to the airport on Friday.
Abbott was in a state of excitement regarding his volatile week. Missing death early on and then having Garrett 'on the ropes' at the end of the week. Not to mention all the favorable comments by the press gallery over the last few weeks.
"When I get home," Tony said to Joe, with a wink, "I'm going to rip my wife's knickers off".
Joe was stunned ! "I know you been quoted a lot about sex and virginity etc recently Tony, but I didn't know that you and your wife had a such a passionate relationship?"
"We don't" said Tony, "It's just that these damn things keep cutting into me and giving me wedgies!"
Hockey blinked and then filled the car with his guffaw. The Mad Monk kept a straight face. Joe's guffaw died down.
"Will we ever get to know the 'real Tony Abbott'", thought Joe?
Good question, thought The Blowfly. Good question!
Firstly we had Tony Abbott's near miss. He nearly met a nasty end at the hands of a semi-trailer near Colac in Victoria.The Blowfly wonders whether the Liberal Party would've been able to cope should the incident have been lethal.
Then , in Victoria, taxpayers had a near miss when the Brumby Government, first proposed and then dropped a 'bin tax'.The adage of 'Victorian by name, Victorian by nature' was set to manifest again.The Blowfly, predictably, is against any tax which may reduce the number of bins.But he would favor an 'open-bin' policy.The interesting aspect of this is the they dumped it after a taxpayer-funded survey indicated the unwillingness of taxpayers to support it. Is John Brumby likely to be developing more policy options by surveying taxpayers?What a novel approach to policy development? Asking taxpayers what they think!
The Blowfly acknowledges that not all near misses have negative connotations.
Catholics rejoiced at the announcement that Mary McKillop would be made a saint. For The Blowfly this was a near miss because it could've gone either way. The relationship between the prayers of a lay-person and healing are so common place amongst non-Catholics that The Blowfly is staggered at this elevation.But for Catholics miracles are harder to come by.
Then we have the 23 year old Cooma girl who , raised as a devout Mormon and shunning pre-marital sex and alcohol, went for it and won a Gold Medal in the Winter Games in Vancouver for the women's snowboarding half-pipe event.It was a near miss because a split second or momentary falter could've left her abstinence totally unrewarded in gold medal terms.
But the award for the 'near miss of the week' goes to Peter Garrett.
The Blowfly was aloft Garrett's tall shoulder on his first day in Parliament. It was after all the best platform to see over the array of green seats.
On that auspicious occasion Peter whispered to Kevin Rudd, "So this is what the enemy looks like?"
The PM set him straight. "No , Peter, that is the Opposition. The enemy is behind us!"
And that is why Peter Garrett has had a near miss.Tony Abbott's attacks are not what he should fear. The unions will now fall in behind to protect their members from the 4-month gap in the insulation programme that will cause unemployment and much angst. This is an election year and his fellow Ministers will be very unforgiving no matter how many Green votes he brings.Peter may not remember that a "cabinet minister is someone who has climbed so high up the ladder of success that all that is visible is his arse". Unfortunately Peter's arse is exposed.
But Tony Abbott is running the ball up and getting all the credit for off-siding Garrett. He finds it exciting.It is for these very moments that he lives. It is for these very moments that he maintains his fitness by cycling , swimming and boxing. These activities produce testosterone.
And as long as you will tell no-one The Blowfly will share with you a conversation he heard between Tony Abbott and his deputy Joe Hockey in the Commonwealth car they shared to the airport on Friday.
Abbott was in a state of excitement regarding his volatile week. Missing death early on and then having Garrett 'on the ropes' at the end of the week. Not to mention all the favorable comments by the press gallery over the last few weeks.
"When I get home," Tony said to Joe, with a wink, "I'm going to rip my wife's knickers off".
Joe was stunned ! "I know you been quoted a lot about sex and virginity etc recently Tony, but I didn't know that you and your wife had a such a passionate relationship?"
"We don't" said Tony, "It's just that these damn things keep cutting into me and giving me wedgies!"
Hockey blinked and then filled the car with his guffaw. The Mad Monk kept a straight face. Joe's guffaw died down.
"Will we ever get to know the 'real Tony Abbott'", thought Joe?
Good question, thought The Blowfly. Good question!
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