What will Abbott do when the sky doesn't fall in? Watch closely.

The Blowfly requests that you stretch your collective imaginations for a while and imagine that you are the carbon tax.

Your moment of birth is about to arrive.

You have been looking forward to that moment for what has seemed like an eternity.

You’ve had a curious conception and gestation.

Initially you were wheeled up to the Australian public by the conservative side of politics by none other than John Howard. But he lost that election and nothing happened.

Nothing! Until Kevin Rudd decided that you would be part of his impact on mankind.

You were looking good at one stage because the Opposition actually collaborated through their leader Malcolm Turnbull to assist with your conception.

They were then talking about an emissions trading scheme but you have to be born before an ETS can get off the ground.

Any way in due course the conservatives did Malcolm over because they decided to confuse the issue by linking it with climate change. And besides many of their constituents are totally tied into fossil fuels and would have to change their economic models if clean energy was preferred.

There is some debate about what you should be called.

Some call you a carbon tax.

Others call you a carbon pricing mechanism.

Some say you are not a tax at all.

You are a bit different to your long lost cousin the GST.

The GST will raise about $48 billion next year and every consumer pays that.

You on then other hand, will only raise about $7 billion next year and only the top 500 polluters or emitters of carbon will pay you.

Even the circumstances of your conception were different.

John Howard announced the GST on national television before telling his party about it. He was the master of unilateral decision-making.

But after the initial heart attack he caused  his Treasurer he fought an election on it to make it ‘legitimate’.

In your case both sides of politics had talked about you and there seemed to be some consensus that you were necessary but………..politics got in the way! As it often does!

Your fertilization occurred as a result of a hung Parliament.

A Prime Minister, intent on forming government, did a deal with the Greens to get you moving. It could’ve been worse! Tony Abbott might’ve paid $1 billion to give Andrew Wilkie his hospital and/or sold his backside to other Independents to get into power. You way you see it is that you saved his backside----and the electorate!

Abbott has been pretty sour about the circumstances of your conception. He says that your mother lied to the Australian people. But she just did what she had to do to secure the support of the Greens.

The Opposition has almost staked its future on you being the cause of all manner of destruction.

Tony Abbott has indicated that your arrival will cause the sky to fall in.

He has also indicated that many industries will be decimated and even whole communities will be wiped out. Whyalla is one such community.

He has been a recurring feature on our television screens for a couple of years visiting businesses that he says will be diabolically affected by you.

You get blamed for increasing electricity prices as well. Even though the increasing prices are mostly due to the need to renew the poles, lines and generators.

Ridiculous questions are also asked in Parliament about your impact. So-called intelligent people such as the shadow Attorney-General George Brandis have even insinuated that you are the cause of the 1900 people losing their jobs at Fairfax.

But next week we will begin to see what you will look like and how you will affect our lives.

Probably, like all children, there will be some sleepless nights for your parents when they first bring you home.

However you will gradually settle down, just like the GST did.

Treasury correctly estimated the impact of the GST on the economy so there is a fair chance they will be right about carbon pricing as well-----despite Tony Abbott and the Opposition spokespeople knowing better.

The big question that remains for you to consider is:

What will the Opposition do when the sky does not fall in?

Tony Abbott has given a ‘blood oath’ that you will be repealed. You suspect that this was just part of his scare campaign and he was using words from his Catholic schooldays to indicate that he was a committed little catechism-learner.

You have also considered how you would be repealed or ‘unborn’ and you wonder how this could possibly happen. The birth canal looks pretty narrow from the inside but when you bend your mind to coming back into the canal from the outside it just does not compute.

Tony Abbott has promised a lot of things with gay abandon and you suspect that this is one of those things.

As well Tony Abbott would need a majority in the Senate to repeal the legislation. He probably would not have this.

He has threatened a double dissolution election but mostly incumbents lose seats at these elections and you are not sure he would want this.

In addition to this the Parliament may go for another 15 months.

Some in the business community may by then be moving to adopt a ‘clean energy future’ and they wont want their incentives taken away from them.

And the voters may be getting used to it as well----just like they did with the GST.

So your birth is going to tell us a lot about the Opposition!

They have purposely set out to put the fear of God into the Australian populace about your birth.

Some of you might remember that over the last 20 or 30 years there have been a number of cases where a charismatic religious cult leader has predicted the end of the world. Their followers have carefully prepared for that event----some even took their own lives!

But the key point is that the cults are no longer around and neither are their leaders. When the end of the world does not occur their credibility is fatally tested.

How will a Rhodes Scholar deal with this one?

Let me speculate about the possibilities:

·      Tony Abbott will say that he was advised incorrectly by a firm of accountants in Perth about the impact

·      He will tell us that the Australian people are a resilient lot who roll with the punches and they have adjusted amazingly well to this big new tax. So much so that they have been able to overcome the deficiencies of a very, very bad government

·      He will say that the world will end on 21 December 2012 and you just wait and see

·      He will be abducted by a strange craft which appears at night regularly over Canberra and be whisked off to a far away galaxy where people appreciate scare tactics and lies

·      He will do what he should’ve done years ago and seek a meeting with George Pell as to whether he might serve mankind better by being a priest

·      He will ring Rupert Murdoch and ask him what to do next. Rupert will tell him that as News Ltd is already a carbon-neutral company he is grateful for the efforts but his new boss is Gina and he should look to her for guidance. Or Alan Jones. Or Andrew Bolt.

·      Resign because he deliberately mis-led the Australian public

Has anyone got any other predictions?

Tony Abbott's perspective on 2012

The Blowfly wants you to imagine that you are in Tony Abbott’s shoes at the moment.

2012 has dawned.

This time last year you were confident that if you went at the Gillard Government with all your energy, spin and bluster you had a reasonable chance of causing a hung parliament to become ‘unhung’.

You did the only thing you really knew how.

You tried to scare the populace.

You travelled the country doing so.

But the sky still has not fallen down!

You also turned Question Time into a farce by moving all those censure motions.

And then right at the end of the year you experienced the ignominy of having Gillard, Albanese and company out-manoeuvre you in respect to Peter Slipper’s move to become the Speaker.

You know that Malcolm is beavering away quietly making himself look good.

You know that Joe Hockey and Andrew Robb are struggling to develop a budgetary framework that will accommodate all the promises you have made to repeal the carbon tax legislation and the MRRT.

In fact , coming up to the next election, you almost have to start from scratch regarding the costings of all your policies because of the promises and the commitments to repeal that you have made on the run.

In his regular blog former NSW Premier Bob Carr refers to this amounts to ‘the biggest transformation of Australian public finances ever promised by an opposition leader’.

And you know that in 2013 the Australian public might not fall for having the policy costings audited by a firm of accountants who were told not to review the assumptions.

You are also aware that your policy development process is being hindered by the need to appeal to the swinging voters. You are struggling to make sense of all the polling that your crowd is doing.

Like John Howard you are only going to release your policies on the eve of the election so that they don’t get too much of an opportunity to be shot down and scrutinised by the Government.

On another front there is the spectre of Kevin Rudd hanging over your head.
Although you were acerbic about an elected Prime Minister being deposed you do realise that, in spite of his popularity with voters, he was a megalomaniac who almost brought the administration of the nation to a standstill.

You are worried that there is talk of Gillard being deposed and Kevin getting a run again. If this happens you reckon you would be totally stuffed because Queensland voters would return to him.

You recognise the need to expend your energies very strategically between now and the next election.

If you push too hard on Gillard and cause her to blunder then the power brokers in the ALP might move to re-install Kevin.

If you don’t push hard enough then your own party is going to question your capacity to lead them after the next election.

You think to yourself: “I wish Margie was more like Janette Howard because I could sure use her advice right now”.

The Big Issues facing the Opposition: How they're thinking in the engine-room!

The Blowfly is aware that behind the scenes in politics there is a veritable army of hard-working, well-meaning people.

Let’s imagine that you are the husband and wife team who, very deliberately, pull the strings of Tony Abbott and the Liberal Party.

Peta Credlin is Tony’s chief-of-staff and Brian Loughnane is the federal director of the Liberal Party.

During the term of this hung Parliament they have been second-guessing the Gillard government and attempting to position ‘their Tony’ for PM.

Tony Abbott’s ceaseless forays into the heart of Australian businesses for the evening ‘news-takes’ telling the small business sector about the pending doom about to befall them with the introduction of the ‘Carbon tax’ was undoubtedly the result of Peda Credlin’s detailed and inspired planning.

Brian Loughnane has also been around for a while and he knows the ropes.

During the last election campaign he reportedly gave instructions ‘not to check the assumptions’ to the WA auditors who were assigned the highly important task of costing the Coalition’s policies. Subsequently Treasury found an $11 billion ‘black hole’.

One might imagine that the Liberal Party is a permanent talking point in their house.
Let’s imagine that on their fridge is a small white board. They use this to empty their Liberal brains of questions that they believe might be pertinent to the quest to get Tony behind the levers of power.

This is how The Blowfly imagines the white board might look presently:
1. If Malcolm becomes the leader before the next election will our ‘NO’ strategy work for him?
2. Should Tony stay on as leader will he be perceived as a total drongo if he continues with the ‘NO’ strategy?
3. When should we start developing some policies for the next election?
4. Besides the repeal of the Carbon Tax legislation and the Minerals Rent and Resources Tax what other ideas do we have for policy initiatives?
5. How might we ‘save face’ if we have to jettison the repeal of these should our polling reveal it would be beneficial?
6. Given we now have a $70 billion ‘black hole’ with all the commitments Tony has given, do we simply pray for a miracle?
7. How is it humanly possible to develop policies to cover this ‘black hole’ without alienating the swinging voters?
8. Should we factor in a new $1 billion hospital for Andrew Wilkie’s electorate for the next election?
9. What is the most politically advantageous position the Coalition can take on global warming?
10. Should we include John and Janette Howard in our planning group for the next election?
11. Should we persist with the censure motions at Question Time or should we invest more time in developing penetrating questions to ask the Government?
12. What should we advise Tony to do with Joe?
13. Where do we want to take this country?
14. Is that important as long as we win?
15. Is there enough champagne in the fridge for New Year’s Eve?
16. What do we have to celebrate?

The words of Sam Goldwyn drift into The Blowfly’s small brain: “We’re overpaying them but they’re worth it”.

The Independents are the saviours of the National Party

The Blowfly was delirious recently and started pondering the future of the National Party.

Delirious because many political pundits believe the Nationals have no future-----due to the rise of the Independents in our hung Parliament!

The Independents have, in fact, had the reverse effect on the National Party.

They have guaranteed the National Party’s future! Bear with my thinking on this one.

Let’s assume that you are a National Party ‘hack’ in Tony Windsor’s seat of New England.

You thought that Ian Sinclair was God-incarnated. Your father had a photo of ‘Black Jack’ McEwen on the mantle-piece and he would genuflect before it on his way to bed each night.

But more than a decade ago an Independent took ‘ your’ seat.

You can still remember that election night. You went to bed crying. You were afraid the sky was going to fall in.

This was no ‘normal’ Independent either.

‘Normal’ Independents are indifferent about their political allegiances. They simply want what is best for their constituents no matter which side of the political spectrum has the levers. They wear no political allegiance and can badger each side of politics on the basis that, one day, their vote might be needed.

Windsor, however, was a ‘disaffected Nat’.

This Independent hated the National Party because they had done him in the eye. This hatred was reciprocated absolutely by members of the party.

Then one day this Independent found himself in a position of influence in a hung Parliament. You had hoped that, with soil on his boots, he would give Tony Abbott the gong. You were wrong and again you went to bed crying.

He then committed treason. He voted for a carbon tax.

Not that it was going to affect you much! But Tony Abbott said the sky would fall in (and he is an honorable man) and so did your other main source of information about the world, Alan Jones (who is also an honorable man).

Your red-necked mates were similarly alarmed! They relied on the same two information sources.

But then the ghost of ‘Black Jack’ McEwen appeared to you in dream and urged you to muster the troops. Branch meetings started filling up again and enthusiasm for getting rid of this heathen, Windsor, was high.

And help came from an unexpected quarter. Windsor himself!

During this term in the hung Parliament every man and his dog wanted to ‘see Tony’ and curry his favor. He was, sadly, human. He could only cope with so much.

Windsor’s communication with his electorate slid. Phone calls were not returned. Letters and emails were not answered. Even from his campaign team! He didn’t turn up at sheep sales and never shouted the bar. He resisted talking to those who disagreed with him.

Those who were disenchanted with the previous National Party member began to be disenchanted again with the Independent.

And, like John Howard, Windsor seemed totally oblivious to the need for succession planning.

So the Independent ‘brand’ was destroyed by one of its creators.

The Blowfly recalls the words of Adams: “Success has made failures of many men.”

Voting Independent! It seemed a good idea at the time!

The Blowfly was amused during the week to hear that the polling in Tony Windsor’s seat of New England and Rob Oakeshott’s seat of Lyne was not so encouraging. In fact it was downright discouraging and at least Rob Oakeshott is probably a goner!

Let’s put ourselves in the shoes of someone who has voted for an Independent for the first time and see how it looks and feels.

Your parents probably discussed their political views around the kitchen table and you absorbed the vibrations of either the left or the right. And also the left or the right of the left or the right.

“In Menzies’ day”, your father would’ve said, and you simply absorbed his thinking without too much analysis because it wasn’t really encouraged.

One fine day, if you are in New England or Lyne, you become aware that there is an Independent presenting himself as a candidate.

You scratch your head because this causes you to start thinking-----and that hasn’t happened for a while!

You conclude that this is a pretty good idea because, frankly, the political system now stinks and you can’t really work out the differences between the 2 parties. Graham Richardson is starting to turn on his own party and Malcolm Fraser is turning on his. Politics is not like it used to be!

And the Nationals are hopeless. They don’t really know the depths of your despair in the bush and they always do the bidding of the Liberals.

And the Labor Party are a pack of mongrels who don’t know a thing about the problems of the bush either.

You weigh up the pros and cons of voting for an Independent and after 2 minutes of deep consideration and a few middies you experience a rush of blood to the head.

For the first time you decide to vote for an Independent.

Election day comes and your Independent wins. You are ecstatic that you can now look your candidate in the eye and say that you voted for him.

Not that you ever look him in the eye much. You don’t really mix in his circles.

Then you start to have some misgivings.

A hung Parliament occurs and for the first time in your lifetime Independents hold the balance of power. Their moment has arrived!

Unfortunately a little too much thinking seems to be going into this exercise. Certainly more than you are used to! Or expected!

Then shit really happens!

Rob Oakeshott makes his 17 minute speech and suddenly you realise that these 2 bastards have done you in the eye.

You don’t really appreciate that the only thing that your Independents are concerned about is what is good for your electorate.

These blokes are taking their role far too seriously for your liking and how can they support a carbon tax? Tony Abbott says the sky will fall in if a carbon tax comes in and he was one of John Howard’s favourites so he must be a good guy.

12 months later the phone rings and someone from a polling company asks you a number of questions.

Are we really surprised at the polling?

Malcolm Turnbull's guardian angel is on the ball!

Let’s imagine for a moment that you are Malcolm Turnbull’s guardian angel.

Life has been rather challenging for you of late.

You have been trying to guide Malcolm to fulfill his life’s purpose but it seems to him that he is really up against it. You perceive that he has retreated into his shell a little!

You had him on a roll a few years ago when he was leader of the Liberal Party.

Not only had he been able to instil some intellectual rigor into the economic debate but he had shown unprecedented leadership by negotiating a bipartisan approach to an emissions trading scheme with Kevin Rudd.

But then the Old World Order got at him. And the business lobby! The forces for capitalism!

This caused Malcolm to have second thoughts about his whole life.

He had previously viewed himself as part of the Old World Order-----and, for that matter, a member of the business lobby.

He was, after all, a self-made squillionaire who had risen to wealth utilising good connections, a sound intellect and the new opportunities afforded by the internet.

And he had also done the bidding of Goldman Sachs!

How close could a parliamentarian have been to the Old World Order?

But by some strange quirk of destiny the forces of capitalism and the business lobby decided that their interests could be best expressed through a Jesuit-influenced, Catholic Rhodes Scholar with a reputation for pugilism and being a disciple of his former Liberal leader, John Howard.

The Old World Order thought that such a background would mean an unparalleled devotion to resisting change and retaining wealth in the hands of those who already possessed it.

Malcolm, bless his soul, was confused about the end game.

You, as his guardian angel, knew that a carbon tax was going to rearrange the wealth in our society, create employment and stimulate innovation.

You also knew that Alan Jones and Andrew Bolt and all the nay-sayers would just view this issue in terms of climate change and that we were a small nation and could make no difference etc etc.

But the boys (and girls) in the higher realms are always trying to work miracles and open things up for future generations.

So, with the powers vested in you by the archangels, you have been adroitly guiding Malcolm towards his destiny.

You have helped him lose weight and keep his counsel on his real thoughts until the big moment arrives.

The moment when the populace, ready for a change from Labor, is almost certainly going to vote in a Coalition Government.

The moment when the business lobby sees their best interests as served by changing our economy over to cheaper and cleaner energy sources.

The moment when the New World Order seeks a leader for the future.

The moment when , standing in front of a television journalist uttering senseless three-word slogans in a policy-free zone, Tony Abbott pulls out 2 big shotguns and shoots himself firmly in both feet for the evening news-viewers of Australia to see for themselves.

Being a guardian angel is such rewarding work. But you have to be patient!

What will our youngest MP be thinking about the Parliament?

The Blowfly would like you to imagine that you are the youngest member of the House of Representatives.

Your name is Wyatt Roy and you came into this Parliament in August 2010.

Born on 22 May 1990 you sit firmly on the cusp between Taurus and Gemini.

You had to wait for Tony Abbott to perform his negotiations with the Independents before you found out whether you had scored being in government on your first throw of the dice.

You were a little crest-fallen initially when Julia won through but you consoled yourself by saying that it was more than you really expected at your age.

There is sparkle in your eyes and altruism in your heart.

You like a little fuss being made of you from time to time and the Liberal Party seems to think that you are a piece of good news in what was an otherwise disappointing election.

The new Parliament gets into full swing and your learning curve is almost perpendicular.

The first thing you notice is that people take this game very, very seriously.

Your Leader, “Mr Abbott to you son”, seems to be really miffed about not getting the gong. You notice that sometimes he wears this strange smile on his face. At other times he seems to be a sort of robot uttering three word slogans.

And in some ways he turns your world upside down!

You thought that if you set your mind to anything you could do it. After all you are a walking example of this credo. But Mr Abbott seems to be so negative!

And you had not realized that if a carbon tax were to be introduced the whole Australian economy would be totally decimated.

You are old enough to remember John Howard and you seem to recall that he went to an election with a policy to introduce a carbon trading scheme. He got knocked off by Kevvie ! Kevvie didn’t seem to think such a scheme was going to ruin the country nor did that nice man Mr. Turnbull. You wonder why that nice man got rolled by Mr. Abbott.
Last week on Twitter you noticed those rumors going around about the leadership of your party.

Because you have only been in Parliament for such a short time you don’t really know whom to trust.

They all seem to be nice to you. Mr. Hockey seems like a good bloke. Mr. Robb too. You do wonder about Mr. Bernardi. He seems like he’s on steroids. You have trouble looking Mrs. Bishop in the eye but someone tells you that all people from WA are like that.

In your maiden speech you quoted the late Jim Killen: “In the deliberations of this assembly I cannot as yet be guided by experience. I can only be guided by plain good intentions.”

You find yourself wondering whether good intentions will be enough to see you through ‘this place’.

You recall the words of your father when you were a boy. He told you that anyone could become Prime Minister. Your father seems to be right on that one.

The 2 Amigos: Rudd and Turnbull: Thorns in their Leader's sides!

The Blowfly has heard a lot about ‘pairs’ lately.

Tony Abbott won’t grant them except in extraordinary circumstances. It is all part of his push towards a ‘quieter, gently polity’.

But there is one pair that he can do nothing about.

One pair that is troubling their leaders simply because they can’t be bought.

They are simply thorns.

Thorns because of the size of their egos.

This pair will simply not go away no matter how much their parties want them to.

A pair who, although on opposite sides of politics, are joined by their striking similarities.

Their successful wives, their needs to control, their arrogance, their charm (when it is imperative) and their capacities to master the detail of an issue.

They also have a capacity to say ‘sorry’.

One advised John Howard to say ‘sorry’ (before Howard lost the election) but was ignored.

The other made it one of his first acts to say ‘sorry’ to the indigenous people of our country.

Both were poor listeners.

One in respect to his ministers and advisers. The other in respect to his peers during the push for a republic and then again in respect to a response to climate change.

Both were enamoured of an emissions trading scheme and one was prepared to undertake bipartisanship to see it through the Parliament.

Both paid the price!

One because he had supported the other and the other because he faltered in getting it through.

Both were ditched by their colleagues in their respective primes.

Now they both sit in the wilderness.

They licked their wounds initially but now they sit patiently waiting for their turns to come again.

They are still possessed of their charms (when imperative).

They are still possessed of huge intellectual capacities.

And they have learned valuable lessons.

They are both ready to lead their country. Both are more popular than their leaders in the opinion polls and both have adopted a modesty that is exemplary.

During this last week one of them even told the media that the rise of the other was inevitable.

One took himself off the speaking list on the carbon tax debate and asked that we make nothing of it. But we know why he did it. Don’t we? He knows that we need a carbon price so that we can move to an emissions trading scheme.

The other is nursing a new heart valve and is looking really chipper. So chipper he is making his colleagues feel slightly edgy.

One has lost a lot of weight and appears to be leaner and meaner than ever before. We know why he has lost the weight don’t we? When you are preparing for battle you need to be fit.

So what is to become of Kevin Rudd and Malcolm Turnbull?

While it would be disastrous for Rudd to have the levers of power again Turnbull would be an interesting experiment in leadership.

The Blowfly recalls the words of Lichtenberg: “Human life falls into two halves, in the first, we wish for the second to arrive, in the second, we wish for the first to return.”

It is possible that both are in the second.

Julia Gillard's set-back: Is it the start of a fairy story?

Once upon a time there was a little red-headed 'pommie' princess who became Prime Minister of Australia.

For her sins in a previous life she was burdened with a hung parliament. And rather than being blessed with a handsome prince she was confronted with a pugnacious take-no-prisoners Opposition leader who had offered to sell his backside for her position. She, however, prevailed.

Hung parliaments are notoriously difficult to manage and so it proved for our princess.

In order to gain working support in the hung parliament from the Greens she had to break an election promise regarding a carbon tax.

Her popularity plummeted in the opinion polls.

The High Court then kicked her in the guts over asylum-seekers. But it was a blessing in disguise!

She had been kicked in the guts for the very last time.

Over the dispatch boxes in Parliament, in an about-to-be-aborted Question Time, the eyes of the Prime Minister and the Opposition leader locked for what seemed to be an eternity.

They had previously flirted. But not that day! And not ever again!

They say the eyes are the window to the soul and so it was that day.

She saw the anger in him, the burning rage of being pipped at the post, the ignominy of Opposition. The Mad monk was indeed mad!

As she witnessed the flames burning in him the images reflected on her soul like a magnifying glass.

They ignited an ember inside her.

“Stuff you”, she thought, “stuff you all!”

Like a butterfly from a cocoon the real , real Julia emerged for good . The authentic Julia. The one the true believers had hoped for. The one Bob Hawke would swoon over. The one Paul Keating would worship forever. The one who turned Graham Richardson from a Labor back-stabber to a renewed zealot and supporter of the working class .

Australia got their leader. The one they sorely needed. The one they so dearly deserved.

Cabinet meetings became rather robust as she became the defender of Labor values.
Onshore processing of asylum-seekers was resumed immediately.

Tony Abbott’s offer of bipartisanship was seen for what it really was-----an extension of the fertile, opportunistic mind of John Howard to win an election in a time when terrorism was in the hearts and minds of the populace. The number of refugees lifted from 12000 to 50000.

She told the Australian people that of the 6 billion people on the planet it was reasonable to expect that 500000 or so would be displaced annually and,after all, Australia had been built on post war migration---herself included! And the Opposition leader too!

She reminded them that in 1954, Sir Robert Menzies, the founder of the Liberal Party of Australia developed the notion that Australia had an obligation to accept its fair share of refugees.

She became the hero of the Labor Left. She welded in the support of the Greens for many parliaments to come.

And there were no more hung parliaments.

As she developed the differences Australian voters became blessed with choice.

We were again, in Donald Horne’s words, THE LUCKY COUNTRY.

And all because a Mad Monk got up a redhead’s nose!

What some of the players are REALLY thinking about the Carbon Tax

The Blowfly loves reading other people’s minds when they are not aware of it.

This provides him with with an enormous advantage and, sometimes, a good laugh.

The Blowfly has been wondering what some of the key players really think about the CARBON TAX when they are not in front of the cameras.

Last week The Blowfly polished his antennae and tuned them into an array of politicians, and others, who were thinking about this ‘big new tax’. Here is a summary of the results:

• Julia Gillard: “This tax could well be the end of me. I thought being a red-head would be enough. I wish I had a better speech writer. I hope Tim won’t leave me if I lose office.”

• Tony Abbott: “It’s really getting difficult to remember what I last promised and what my last position on political issues is. It’s hard telling the gospel truth all the time. Do I support the science of climate change or not? Does it matter----as long as I get into power and fulfil my Liberal destiny! What did they teach me at the Seminary about climate change? Who was Copernicus? What’s the latest---- is the Earth flat or round? I love scaring voters! They’re so gullible.”

• Malcolm Turnbull: ”If I play this one right I could be PM within 2 years. Thank you Julia! Abbott is such an idiot. I live in Vaucluse and I’m ungaggable!”

• Joe Hockey: “If I play this one right I could be Turnbull’s deputy within 2 years. Thank you Julia! Abbott is such an idiot. I live in North Sydney and I love economics.”

• Intoxicated poker machine player in the St George Leagues Club: ”Why are these pollsters always asking me questions about which male politician would I prefer as PM?”

• Archbishop George Pell: ”Should I refer this tax to the Pope? He is infallible! What do the Illuminati think? I hope it won’t affect priest numbers. Thankfully they decided not to tax paedophilia! Golly, when I first heard them say they were going to put a tax on emissions I shuddered because I thought was that it might apply to the emissions of my priests and that would be costly.”

• Rupert Murdoch: ”I wish my journalists were all psychics like The Blowfly. Then they wouldn’t have to do phone taps to get stories to sell newspapers. ”

• John Howard: ”Luckily, during my political career I learnt to lie with a straight face. And not feel guilty except for not worshipping Janette daily. I can openly support the Coalition in their stance on this tax although I said that a carbon tax and an ETS were the best things since sliced bread going into my last election. I love scaring voters! They’re so gullible.”

• Andrew Horvath, CEO, Star Scientific,(www.starscientific.com.au) developers of the new technology muon-catalysed fusion: ”We are going to make a motza outta this. Our new technology will allow coal-powered power stations to be retrofitted for $50 million and only require 2 swimming pools of sea water to drive them for a year instead of 4 million tonnes of coal.”

The Blowfly recalls the wise words of George W Bush: “The future will be better tomorrow.”

How would you feel if you were the CARBON TAX?

Let’s imagine for a little while that you are the proposed CARBON TAX.

You were born out of observations by scientists that climate change was happening and it may be because the earth’s atmosphere appears to be warming up. Some speculated that this was because of the fossil fuels we are burning while simultaneously cutting down forests. There is some evidence to support this thinking. But there is also some evidence that refutes it.

But we only have this planet to live on until we perfect space-travel and so most people don’t wish to risk being wrong.

You could’ve been born a METHANE TAX because methane has 20 times the greenhouse effect of carbon dioxide. But it is too hard to tax farting cows! And they are part of our food chain.

Some years ago there was a hole in the ozone layer. It was caused by chloro-fluorocarbons. World governments simply banned those emissions. The ozone layer is now nearly fixed.

Like a bride at her wedding you are presently the centre of attention.
Some countries have been sleeping with you for a while. Others have promised to sleep with you shortly.

Both the ALP and the Coalition agree that there is a need to address climate change and acknowledge that human-beings are causing it.

Your new lover, the Federal Labor Government, has great hopes for you.
Your former lover, the Coalition, is now bad-mouthing you at every occasion. Broadcaster Alan Jones, the informal policy director for the Coalition on this issue, thinks you are going to cause the sky to fall. Tony Abbott is destroying your reputation with voters by saying that almost every business in Australia will go to the wall because of you.

You are a little concerned as to how you will perform on your wedding night.
Taxes have a chequered history of creating change. Taxes on tobacco have not worked. And taxes on alcohol have not worked. The recent ‘alco-pops’ tax has appeared to reduce consumption of those drinks but they may have been replaced with a harder liquor by young drinkers. The jury is still out on that one.

In your mind you know that once you are in bed and naked you will be able to perform to everyone’s satisfaction and, like any good bride, you will have a few surprises up your sleeve.

You are going to be financed solely by the 500 biggest emitters in Australia.
The expectation is that this imposition will change their emitting behaviours.
The Coalition, on the other hand, thinks that they can change behaviours by throwing money at emitters. This policy is called ‘Direct Action’. Big emitters like the idea of receiving lots of money to change their behaviours. It keeps their share prices up while the changes are exploited in boardrooms.

The ALP usually throws money at the people to redistribute the wealth and the Coalition usually throws money at big business so as to fund their election campaigns---they don’t have unions to fund them! Except for John Howard who also threw money at middle class voters because he needed their votes.

As your wedding night approaches you have mixed feelings----a great sense of anticipation, but also sadness, at knowing that some things will never be the same again!

The Dreamtime of Tony Abbott

A frantic sense of terror ran through his whole body. He was bathed in sweat. His heart was racing. He could not find refuge.

He ran up the front steps of the Treasury building but the doors were firmly shut. And then to Defence! But everywhere was shut. No doors opened to him.

Then he saw Malcolm Turnbull sitting on a park bench reading the latest Liberal leadership results on his iPad. Malcolm was awash with $100 notes and seemed leaner, meaner and soooo serene. Malcolm noticed his agitated state and smiled.

“Do you want me to take that lovely field-marshall’s baton from you? I could handle it. I was born to rule. I’m from Vaucluse and I have a vision!” exclaimed Malcolm.

Grabbing the baton tighter he turned on his heel but was confronted by Joe Hockey who was carrying a number of totally empty baskets up the Kokoda track. Joe urged him to walk Kokoda with him to get fitter.

Past Joe he ran into a mass of wire, cords and cables. It was the National Broadband Network that he had helped pull down. Someone had left it out on the footpath for ‘garbage-night’ and he’d stumbled into it.

He waved his arms and legs in the air valiantly trying to free himself but became further entwined in the mire of electronic leftovers----- much like quicksand consumes its guests!

His terror elevated.

The ghost of Lord Baden-Powell , founder of the Scout movement came at him. Baden-Powell was holding a huge sign-----‘BE PREPARED’. These words ran through his head again and again. “BE PREPARED. BE PREPARED. BE PREPARED.”

Straining for sanity he recalled the tricks he used at the seminary to remove lustful thoughts from his head but none worked this time.

He splashed ‘holy water’ on his head but no relief came.

He fell to his knees and started to pray.

He screamed “Lord, why have you forsaken me?”

As tears flowed freely down his emaciated face the clouds above him opened and the voice of the Lord bellowed.

“Because you spent 3 years criticising, 2 years calling for an election and no time at all developing policies for the future of your Nation. You sir, should be ashamed of yourself! Just like John Howard YOU FAILED TO PLAN. Return to the Seminary! ”

At that point scabs fell from his eyes and they slowly opened.

He saw again.

But all Tony Abbott could see was the ceiling. And it needed painting!

It had been a bad dream. A nightmare! One of the worst!

As his awareness returned he realised that he’d soiled his pyjamas.

On the bedhead, The Blowfly had enjoyed the performance and, realised the fine line between a dream and reality.

If Julia Gillard did, for some strange reason, call Tony Abbott’s bluff and hold an election now----as Tony Abbott has called for----- he would indeed soil his pyjamas!

Because there is not a Coalition policy in sight! Not one!

Tony Abbott sees The Lodge in his stars

Today The Blowfly is sitting on the shoulder of the Opposition leader Tony Abbott.

Tony is at home relaxing after his big public relations swim in the surf.

Sitting in his favorite lounge chair, Margie has made him a cup of coffee so the ‘poor dear’ can feel a little pampered. By chance he looks across to see the latest Women’s Weekly. It is the souvenir edition featuring the Royal Wedding.

He flicks through it casually. He finds himself appreciating the array of colorful photos and especially the red tunics. He stops for a while to inspect carefully the photos of the bride’s sister. He reflects for a moment on his university days and all the skirt he chased. He sighs a big sigh!

He comes to the photo of Prince William being introduced to Julia Gillard and her partner, Tim.

“Bitch!” he thinks to himself. “But for that loser, Windsor, and that wanker, Oakeshott, Margie and I would be in that picture.”

He reflects for a moment on his lot in life.

“I know I need to hang in there like little Johnny did…..but he had the support of an ambitious wife who really wanted to be in The Lodge…... Margie couldn’t give a damn about my driving ambitions…... I’ll just have to work harder at it…...by myself too!……. I’ll just have to be fitter…...more cycling!.....more surfing……and I guess I need to get my mind in shape…….don’t want any more of those uncomfortable silences when journalists ambush me.”

He concocts a string of three-word slogans and rolls them around the chasms of his Catholic mind just to limber it up.

“No more boats………. big new tax………... demolish the NBN……….. local hospital boards………… no carbon tax………... Trump for President…………. no climate change……….. stuff Malcolm Turnbull………… more Royal Weddings…………… no more floods………..I revere Howard………..computers are complicated……..Menzies was God………..Pell is wonderful……….Osama is dead……….redheads root countries…….”

As he flicks through the Women’s Weekly further he comes to the Horoscope section on page 333.

“I wonder what my stars say?” he thinks.

Straight to Scorpio he goes.

“A bigger and better way will now fall into place, after a few false starts last month,” he reads.

He thinks for a moment. ”What could that mean?....... ‘a bigger and better way’?......... don’t tell me I have to become positive?......will I have to jettison the three-word slogans?………….’fall into place’?.......what could that mean? ‘false starts’?........ I’ve already had a few of them !........don’t tell me there are more coming?

‘A lifestyle with so much more is on offer’ he reads. “Boy do I know that!...... Margie and I would look so good in The Lodge……….. but woe is me!”

‘By the third week, you’ll see a new choice in a relationship. This is just the beginning. From June, you’ll have opportunities to live life to the fullest, with the right person,’ he further reads.

He can hardly contain himself. His excitement builds within.

“How am I going to tell Margie that we may be moving into The Lodge?”

What Julia is thinking on her way to see Barack Obama

In Blowfly-world 'shit happens' every day.

In fact the more 'shit happens', the better we blowflies thrive.

So last week The Blowfly was over-joyed to see all the shit flying in Parliament over the the carbon tax.

But The Blowfly was not so much concentrating on the shit but was more dealing with the prospects and excitement that he felt about the PM's trip forthcoming to the US.

Some of you may have noticed The Blowfly on the PM's left shoulder as she turned and waved before she entered the plane-----but most probably you were more enthralled at the fact that the 'first man' also gave a wave that you did not notice me.

But on the plane she soon took her shoes off, put her feet up and started relaxing.

Ever on the alert for her innermost thoughts The Blowfly tuned in carefully. This is what she was thinking.

"Boy am I glad to get away from that chaos.........that tosser Abbott is certainly rubbing it in...........what a hypocrite that little Catholic jerk is?..........he wears budgie-smugglers and expects us not to look.........and John Howard told the electorate that he was 'never, ever,ever' going to introduce a GST and look what he did.........and that was the biggest tax of all on everything that we have seen in out lifetime......... I just changed my mind like Howard did when he saw the light.........God,I thought that to change one's mind was a lady's prerogative?.............doesn't the Liberal Party know that there is a tremendous opportunity for Australia in this climate change area if we can just mobilise the populace........more jobs, more business overseas...................... the launching of the new MySchools website was a brilliant tactic...........heh!heh!..........boy it was almost too much for those tossers to cope with.............they had to march that darling boy Christopher Pyne out to cope with it all...........God being a redhead is fun!.............and I'm looking forward to chatting with Barack again.........he's such a dish............and God I do need to brush up on my foreign policy stuff and try to get an edge on Kevin---------he will be absolutely shitting himself about me being alone with Barack and Hilary.............God its fun being a redhead!......and also its good looking at the big picture every now and again.............I remember that quote about George Wallace.......I might be able to warm Barack up with it....."I've read about foreign policy and studied-------I know the number of continents" said George..........the best way to deal with men anyway is to look stupid and have them tell you their secrets...........and anyway I've read all the Wikileaks and I know what they're thinking.....................zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz"

At that point Tim looks over lovingly and wonders why she is smiling as she is snoozing.

The words of Winston Churchill for some reason come into The Blowfly's head: "With friends like the Americans, who needs enemies?".

The Blowfly hopes she knows what she is in for in "the good'ole US of A".

Poor dear! Red hair wont help over there!

At home with Tim and Julia. Inside the PM's boudoir!

The Blowfly can reveal that he has finally managed to penetrate the inner sanctum of the Prime Minister---the PM's bedroom!

The Prime Ministerial boudoir hasn't seen a lot of action recently!

The weeks have been pretty hectic over the summer with the floods,the bush fires in Western Australia, the cricket , the matter of Egypt and ,of course, last weekend she had to be up at 'sparrows' to chair the health-reform meeting with the Premiers.

Our PM has been travelling to and fro bolstering the troops, understanding the damage and generally trying to give the 'Labor brand' as much airplay as possible. God help us! Both Anna Bligh and Kristina Kenneally need as much help as Julia can give them.

And frankly her love-life has suffered!

Tim has, bless his soul, been a very patient consort.Similar to Janette Howard I suspect!Not to mention Anita Keating! And Hazel! Dame Pattie!....Hell's bells there have been a stack of them when you really think about it!

So this Sunday morning The Blowfly finds himself securely nestled on the bedhead of the PM's marital bed.It ain't rockin' yet but you would not be surprised to see a bit of action in due course.

He is aware that Tim is stirring. Tim's eyes open. Tim looks around the room. He always does this just to establish his reality. He is still astounded that his hair-dressing days could've ended so magically and now he sleeps with the PM.

He looks at her lovingly.He smiles a gentle smile.

"I wonder if this is the 'real Julia Gillard'?" he thinks to himself.

The PM stirs. Her eyes open.She smiles at him.

"What are you looking at, sweetheart?" she says.

"I'm just wondering whether you are the 'real Julia Gillard' today" he says.

She smiles.

"The one who Barry Humphries says wears a pillow in the back of her dress?..... The one who Tony Abbott says is 'wooden'?....The one who follows the Western Bulldogs?.......The one who fell in love with a hairdresser?......The one who has been invited to Prince William's wedding and who will take her 'fancy man' with her?.......The one who took a back-seat while Anna Bligh got all the credit?......The one who has an arse-hole and control-freak as her Foreign Minister?.......The one who is holding a hung Parliament together........The one who loves it whenever Tony Abbott opens his mouth and who hopes like hell the Coalition doesn't replace their leader with Malcolm Turnbull anytime before the next election?............that one?" she drawled in her most droning tone.

"I love it when you talk 'dirty' to me!" said Tim. "Come here and give me a cuddle. I love slow-talking redheads."

Because this is a family blog The Blowfly is unable to describe more of this intimate interlude with interested readers----except for one moment which was a classic and demonstrated that our PM does indeed have a better sense of humour than any other PM or political leader of our time.

In the throes of passion (when The Blowfly was turned the other way of course) she was heard to moan:"Oh Warnie, Oh Warnie----you are fantastic!Was that your 'googly'? Do it again!Do it again!"

And then she burst out laughing!

But Tim had her measure."Stop laughing Liz.I haven't finished this over yet!"

Inside Tony's head. The Blowfly's report as to what happened.

During the week The Blowfly happened to be in the right place at the right time.

I was on Tony Abbott's shoulder that fateful day last week when Mark Riley from Channel 7 asked him to explain his 'shit happens' comment.

In the fly-world 'shit has to happen' for us to survive. I was born in shit and so were most of my family (except Cousin Percival who was born in an old 'Big Mac'-----a sort of miracle birth given the amount of preservative he had to contend with) so it does not worry me. But it seems to worry humans.

Candidly it was all a little surreal!

That was because Tony Abbott had been warned some 2 hours earlier that Channel 7 was going to ask the question.

The Blowfly was tuned into Tony's thinking from the time the warning came.He knew something big was going to happen-----he could just feel it in his grotty little wings!

This is The Blowfly's best recollection of the thought processes Tony went through leading up to Riley pushing the microphone into his scowling face:

"Shit!Shit!Shit!Shit!Shit!Shit! Are they really going to ask me a question like that?.........err......ummm.....'shit happens' is what we used to say at school when one of us was recruited to be a choir boy........'shit happens' was what Australians thought went Annette Keating announced she was splitting from Paul.......'shit happens' was what the Liberal Party thought when Andrew Peacock starting dating Shirley MacLaine.......Johnny Howard said that 'shit happens' when he made up his mind to introduce a GST on the 'Sunday' programme before he told his parliamentary colleagues.......Peter Costello is now saying it all the time.........."

"Jesus H. Christ I hope that no-one has told Malcolm Turnbull that Channel 7 is going to ask the question.......that little bastard will be standing by the TV gloating his little Eastern Suburb's arse off...........how will I handle this damn question?"

His mind went blank for a few seconds........"error, error......will not compute......error, error"...... but then got into gear again.

"How would John Howard have answered it?........hmmm.......umm......err....I s'pose Janette would've told him what to say.......umm.....err....should I ring her?........no! I'm a Rhodes Scholar and I should be able to stand on my own 2 feet........I'm also the Leader of the Opposition who almost became PM except for several thousand red-neck piss-pots in marginal seats not voting for me.......and I have the balls for this job......I really do!......many people have seen them.....that's why I wear those brief bathers..........maybe I should dream up another 3-word slogan........'no hard questions'........'go easy on Tony'.......no ....err... that has 4 words.......(at this stage you notice his ears twitching which is the sure sign that he has had a good idea)........'fuck Channel 7'......how would that go down?.......mmmm.....tempting......very tempting........I don't think the Australian public is quite ready to hear a Catholic politician use the 'f-word' yet......and I still want the votes of the Christian lobby.......and I'm also still hopeful of getting into heaven........and what would Father Bob say if I swore?.....I wonder what Bob Katter would say?............and I can only imagine what that dipstick Hockey would say...........".

And then it happened again...."error,error,does not compute,error,error,syntax error........"

"Maybe I should just flatten the reporter who asks me the question?......that's what Muhammad Ali would do...........or.....maybe.........I'll give the reporter the 'Julie Bishop stare'......that might work.......it disarms everyone else.....especially these days when it radiates from a deep 'WA-fake tan'.....where did she get that tan from?............oh shit here is Mark Riley!"

At that moment The Blowfly noticed that Tony went into interview mode. His chest bulged, his eyes became piercing and he stood upright.

But when Mark Riley asked the question Tony's brain found itself locked into the last 2 thoughts he'd had.

"Will I deck this guy or will I give him the 'Julie Bishop stare'?......error,error,error.....Will I deck this guy or will I give him the 'Julie Bishop stare'?........error,error,........Will I deck this guy or will I give him the 'Julie Bishop stare'?.....error,error,does not compute.....Will I deck this guy or will I give him the 'Julie Bishop stare'?....error,error,does not compute.......Will I deck this guy or will I give him the 'Julie Bishop stare'?.........." and so on and so on for 30 seconds

His brain locked up with 2 competing attractive thoughts.

His final thought was "Shit happens alright and it just....err....umm..... happened again! God I do hope Malcolm wasn't watching!"

The Blowfly was left to ponder the words of George W. Bush.

"It will take time to restore chaos and order"

Not to mention

"They have miscalculated me as their leader"

Tony Abbott finally acknowledges his baggage

Every so often The Blowfly is able to share a poignant moment with a politician.

In politics poignant moments are rare. Few come to mind.

Gough Whitlam shaking hands with Malcolm Fraser was one. Bob Hawke admitting he liked the grog too much was another. Malcolm Fraser conceding defeat to Bob Hawke because the drought had broken was memorable. Paul Keating showing Howard around The Lodge was also worthy. And John Howard being beaten in his own seat because he did not hand over to Costello was also a highlight in The Blowfly's perverse mind.

But today..............today it was Tony Abbott who was providing the poignant moment for The Blowfly.

I was able to be on Tony's shoulder when he went to see the NLP (neuro-linguistic programming) practitioner.

He'd been working up to it for some time.

You see Tony had realised that he was carrying a lot of baggage from the Howard era-----not to mention his Catholic education and his short stint training as a priest!

It was starting to get him down.

Because he was not Howard. Not Howard!

Howard could pull things out of a hat. Tampa. The 'guns buyback'.The GST.The $10 billion to spend on the Murray Darling.

But unfortunately for Tony he could not even get things into a hat...............his ears got in the way!

And he realised that he had not had a constructive thought to take our nation forward for over a decade.

That didn't mean he wasn't playing to his strengths...........it's just that he had resolved with his God that he was going to be positive in 2011 and position himself as a 'statesman'..........much in the way that Howard had intended for himself but blew it when pride got in the way and he did not execute his succession plan.

Abbott has more at stake and there is more presure!

Abbott has Turnbull breathing down his neck. Imagine that! A personal fortune of over $140 million to fund his endeavours.

Tony just has his parliamentary salary and the royalties from his book.Not much joy there!

His thoughts were starting to come through loud and clear.

"Why does Tony Windsor think I'm such a dickhead?.............why did those Independents not fall victim to my charms?...............what is so beguiling about a red-haired slow-talking woman who sounds 'wooden'?...........why does she talk so slow?...............why doesn't Malcolm love me anymore?..........why am I getting hammered so much about my negative approach?...........it's not really negative ..............its just what Johnny taught me................and then Janette told me I would have her support if I didn't change anything......................and oh shit........... why is Laurie Oakes starting to be kinder to Julia?" His jaw dropped as he walked to his appointment.

She was a nice lady.......... the NLP practitioner. Well-groomed. Neat.

"So how can I help you Mr Abbott?" she asked.

"Well err ahh err", he stammered', "I haven't had a positive thought or idea since Julia became Prime Minister.I err ahh err want to become positive again................ like Malcolm is!"

And that was the poignant moment for The Blowfly!

He finally admitted what we all knew! He was a SNAG after all.

The words of Winston Churchill come into The Blowfly's mind: "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire"

Tony Abbott's predictable response to the rebuilding of Queensland

The Blowfly had big plans this week but they went astray.

I had planned to do a channelling session from Tony Abbott's shoulder because I was keen to see how he was thinking about the 'flood crisis'.

I did find him sitting in his office playing with his new iPhone. He was looking at it with great interest. As I looked over his shoulder I found that he was looking at 'the' photo if Nick Riewoldt that had been circulated on the internet. Initially Tony's thought process was along these lines:

"Good lord! What a man! Very impressive! Big for a footballer!Especially an AFL player. I'll need to stuff something down the front of my 'budgie-smugglers' to compete with that beast."

And then his thoughts turned to the flood crisis.

He started off with a minor lustful thought about Julia Gillard but was soon able to replace it with an image of his here , John Howard.

He recalled the response of the Howard Government to the Port Arthur massacre----a special levy to fund a gun buyback!And he recalled the popularity of that move!

Then he pondered his own response to Julia Gillard's floating of a special levy to fund the rebuilding of Queensland and Victoria after the floods.

The thought "big new tax" came into his head.

And then it happened!

Something must've happened in his Catholic brain.Some sort of programming error or something!

The same thought was locked into a little feedback loop that he could not stop.

"Big new tax!Big new tax!Big new tax!Big new tax!Big new tax!Big new tax!Big new tax!Big new tax!Big new tax!Big new tax!Big new tax!Big new tax!Big new tax!Big new tax!Big new tax!Big new tax!Big new tax!Big new tax!Big new tax!Big new tax!Big new tax!Big new tax!Big new tax!Big new tax!Big new tax!Big new tax!Big new tax!Big new tax!Big new tax!Big new tax!Big new tax!Big new tax!Big new tax!......................." and so on!

It was too damned irritating for The Blowfly.

The Blowfly left the shoulder of our illustrious Opposition leader with fear in his germy little heart for the sanity and capacity of tony's brain. By this time Tony's eyes were going in both directions and a little 'Liberal-steam' was coming from his ears.His ears were also flapping. You can just picture it cant you?

The Blowfly decided he would find a more congenial shoulder to land on.

"Anna Bligh seems like an interesting sheila", he thinks to himself, "I wonder what her perfume is like? Probably a blend of XXXX and pineapple! I wonder where she is now?"

"And if I can't find her I s'pose I can resort to the intellectual shoulder of one Malcolm Turnbull. I wonder what he is plotting these days?"

Tony Abbott will have to adjust more than just his 'budgie smugglers' in 2011

It's been a while since The Blowfly graced the shoulder of the Opposition leader, Tony Abbott.

But this week The Blowfly felt strangely drawn to 'the mad monk' because he'd heard at the 'evening garbage tins' that Tony had invited Andrew Wilkie to have a little chat.And to repeat it weekly whilst Parliament was sitting!

To the Blowfly this was evidence that aliens had landed, abducted the real Tony Abbott, and replaced him with a Malcolm Turnbull look-a-like.

Always interested in UFO activity The Blowfly sought out the Opposition leader's rather difficult-to-land-on shoulder. That is because he is always on the move and the slip-stream caused by his large ears is almost intolerable when you have constant shit on your feet. With shit on your feet cant seem get a good grip on a Catholic shoulder.

But this week you caught him in a rare quiet moment in his ante-room when he indulged himself in a little daydreaming.On his coffee table you noticed a copy of "The Internet for Dummies". You noted its pristine, barely-opened condition.

The Blowfly always finds it easy to read Tony's mind because his larger ears seem to act like thought-amplifiers and what goes on in his brain comes through crystal-clear.

As The Blowfly raised his psychic antennae Tony's thoughts came through loud and clear.

"This Parliament is harder than I thought...... I believed all politicians would respond to blatant pork-barrelling..... these bloody Independents are causing me more bowel movements that I need in my position!..... even that raving lunatic Katter has supported the Government more times than he has supported us..... and that snivelling Wilkie!.....the bastard who blew our cover on Iraq!... even he wouldn't fall for that 'new hospital for his electorate' ploy that Joe Hockey said would work for sure..... what is this world coming to?"

He snorts and then continues.

"Some people are saying that I need to develop a vision for this country and work out what sort of government we are going to be when we finally get in...... good Lord what is an Opposition leader going to have to do next?.... when I was growing up visions were things that Catholic children saw in remote villages after they had been naughty and needed more love from their parents...... 'Little Johnny', as dear as he was to me, only taught me about pork-barrelling....... he was very disparaging about visions...... they were the things Janette had in her sleep he used to say."

He snorts again.

"Malcolm is more suited to this 'vision' stuff.....he thinks differently to me.... he's not a Rhodes Scholar.....he's a business man..... to make shit-loads of money like he has done you need to be able to think a long way ahead......politics is different....its more knee-jerk stuff... anyway politicians on my side are not bright enough to develop visions..... Jesus H Christ they haven't even worked out yet the dis-service I did them by knocking Malcolm off last year...... after he got into bed with Rudd on the ETS, when Rudd pulled the pin on it, the Greens would've voted for us and we would be in power now........ and he's a sneaky little bastard that Turnbull!..... I told him to destroy the NBN.......that's based on what Brother John taught me at school.... "A good Catholic should always destroy anything he does not understand"...... but deep in my bones I feel that Malcolm is really just modifying it and revising our policy so we could win an election with it......just like the ALP did....God forbid!...... I don't know whether to love him or hate him......he thinks he's God just because he has an iPhone and a Twitter account....and errr...... yes......... $200 million............ I can't even use the iPod the kids gave me last year for Christmas......even the Queen can use hers!.... shit, I must be a Luddite".

It was at this moment that his personal assistant entered the room and announced excitedly that Tony had just received an invitation for an audience with the Pope during 2011.His face lit up and his eyes beamed.

Then the let-down. The personal assistant also advised, in a rather droll fashion, that the audience with the Pope coincided with a scheduled sitting day for Parliament.

Because no 'pairs' are allowed by the Opposition he would not be able to attend.

The Blowfly smiled a knowing smile, rubbed his shitty feet together, and alighted, reassured that this Universe is still in the hands of a God with a sense of humour.

Hockey's 'bank-bashing' redefines the notion of 'Liberal'

The Blowfly has sometimes been possessed with a fascination for things on the North Shore of Sydney.

Mostly the garbage! It's always of a higher quality!

And recently the noises by the federal Member for North Sydney have reinforced The Blowfly's views that the garbage on the North Shore is more comprehensively enticing, mystifying and strangely tasteless.

Not to mention John Howard's book----which surely must rate an all-time high in respect to North Shore refuse!

Joe Hockey is trying to establish himself as the champion of the little voter by becoming a 'bank-bashing boofhead'.

His line is simple!

The Australian banks have ripped Australians off and are continuing to wreak havoc on economic activity in this country.

The Blowfly learnt during the week that the big four Australian banks are all in the top 20 safest banks in the world as rated by Global Finance magazine (interestingly enough there are no US banks in the top 20 safest banks).Rankings were NAB (11), Westpac (12), CBA (13), ANZ (16).

The Blowfly has also absorbed Phil Ruthven's column in the Business Review Weekly this week. Phil points out that all the journalistic reporting on the nightly television focuses on the quantity of profits rather than the relative profits.

If you look at the profits in relation to the amount of shareholders' funds required to produce them you will find a different story to anguish about.

Ruthven points out that none of the 4 banks rate in the Top 10 largest listed companies in Australia when it comes to returns on shareholders funds. In fact he reports they are well down the Top 30 list.

Now here is the tightrope that Hockey is walking.

In these times when other countries around the world are still experiencing stress and failures Australia's greatest asset could well be its strong banking sector. We need to nurture that situation.

But in terms of capital employed our banks are being outperformed locally by Fortescue Metals, Telstra, AMP, Coca Cola Amatil, Woolworths, BHP Billiton and QBE Insurance Group.

This leads The Blowfly to his juiciest dilemma.

The Blowfly's simple understanding of being a 'Liberal' is that the private sector should be left alone as much as possible to pursue it's goals and then we all benefit from the fruits of 'private enterprise'.

Our friend Joe, The Blowfly believes,is simply trying to get traction by making a noise. He knows that we all hate the banks.

But his antics hide the real dilemma for Australians!

Which side of politics will spend the time developing the vision for our nation.

Possessed of a robust banking sector, armed with a National Broadband Network, endowed with a raft of mineral resources and prettied-up by some bloody good intellectual resources, beaches and sheilas we have a lot going for us as we slide into the future.

Will we be able to exploit all this to put Australians into a position where our children will be able to look back in 50 years time and admire us for the astute and visionary way we tackled the future in 2010?

We might well ponder the words of Grouch Marx:"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions------the curtain was up!"

Unfortunately for Hockey the curtain is up!

Let's hope intermission comes soon.The second act could only be better!