Sunday, February 13, 2011

Inside Tony's head. The Blowfly's report as to what happened.

During the week The Blowfly happened to be in the right place at the right time.

I was on Tony Abbott's shoulder that fateful day last week when Mark Riley from Channel 7 asked him to explain his 'shit happens' comment.

In the fly-world 'shit has to happen' for us to survive. I was born in shit and so were most of my family (except Cousin Percival who was born in an old 'Big Mac'-----a sort of miracle birth given the amount of preservative he had to contend with) so it does not worry me. But it seems to worry humans.

Candidly it was all a little surreal!

That was because Tony Abbott had been warned some 2 hours earlier that Channel 7 was going to ask the question.

The Blowfly was tuned into Tony's thinking from the time the warning came.He knew something big was going to happen-----he could just feel it in his grotty little wings!

This is The Blowfly's best recollection of the thought processes Tony went through leading up to Riley pushing the microphone into his scowling face:

"Shit!Shit!
Shit!Shit!Shit!Shit! Are they really going to ask me a question like that?.........err......ummm.....'shit happens' is what we used to say at school when one of us was recruited to be a choir boy........'shit happens' was what Australians thought went Annette Keating announced she was splitting from Paul.......'shit happens' was what the Liberal Party thought when Andrew Peacock starting dating Shirley MacLaine.......Johnny Howard said that 'shit happens' when he made up his mind to introduce a GST on the 'Sunday' programme before he told his parliamentary colleagues.......Peter Costello is now saying it all the time.........."

"Jesus H. Christ I hope that no-one has told Malcolm Turnbull that Channel 7 is going to ask the question.......that little bastard will be standing by the TV gloating his little Eastern Suburb's arse off...........how will I handle this damn question?"

His mind went blank for a few seconds........"error, error......will not compute......error, error"...... but then got into gear again.

"How would John Howard have answered it?........hmmm.......umm......err....I s'pose Janette would've told him what to say.......umm.....err....should I ring her?........no! I'm a Rhodes Scholar and I should be able to stand on my own 2 feet........I'm also the Leader of the Opposition who almost became PM except for several thousand red-neck piss-pots in marginal seats not voting for me.......and I have the balls for this job......I really do!......many people have seen them.....that's why I wear those brief bathers..........maybe I should dream up another 3-word slogan........'no hard questions'........'go easy on Tony'.......no ....err... that has 4 words.......(at this stage you notice his ears twitching which is the sure sign that he has had a good idea)........'fuck Channel 7'......how would that go down?.......mmmm.....tempting......very tempting........I don't think the Australian public is quite ready to hear a Catholic politician use the 'f-word' yet......and I still want the votes of the Christian lobby.......and I'm also still hopeful of getting into heaven........and what would Father Bob say if I swore?.....I wonder what Bob Katter would say?............and I can only imagine what that dipstick Hockey would say...........".

And then it happened again...."error,error,does not compute,error,error,syntax error........"

"Maybe I should just flatten the reporter who asks me the question?......that's what Muhammad Ali would do...........or.....maybe.........I'll give the reporter the 'Julie Bishop stare'......that might work.......it disarms everyone else.....especially these days when it radiates from a deep 'WA-fake tan'.....where did she get that tan from?............oh shit here is Mark Riley!"

At that moment The Blowfly noticed that Tony went into interview mode. His chest bulged, his eyes became piercing and he stood upright.

But when Mark Riley asked the question Tony's brain found itself locked into the last 2 thoughts he'd had.

"Will I deck this guy or will I give him the 'Julie Bishop stare'?......error,error,error.....
Will I deck this guy or will I give him the 'Julie Bishop stare'?........error,error,........Will I deck this guy or will I give him the 'Julie Bishop stare'?.....error,error,does not compute.....Will I deck this guy or will I give him the 'Julie Bishop stare'?....error,error,does not compute.......Will I deck this guy or will I give him the 'Julie Bishop stare'?.........." and so on and so on for 30 seconds

His brain locked up with 2 competing attractive thoughts.

His final thought was "Shit happens alright and it just....err....umm..... happened again! God I do hope Malcolm wasn't watching!"

The Blowfly was left to ponder the words of George W. Bush.

"It will take time to restore chaos and order"

Not to mention

"They have miscalculated me as their leader"


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