Rudd and Twiggy: The deal that thankfully never was!

The Blowfly can only cackle at the revelations that Kevin Rudd was in the process of pulling a rabbit from a hat in respect to the minerals rent and resources tax just before he was rolled.

Here you had the 'elected PM', who was supposedly everyone's darling working on a deal with one of the wealthiest men in Australia to conclude an alternative deal that would apparently result in an 'infrastructure boom'.

So much for the Cabinet decision-making process!

From one perspective it shows how much Rudd was the 'odd man out' in his party.

Devoid of factional support he was isolated from the realities of his ALP grass roots.

What next was he going to negotiate alone?

We already have a 2 speed economy that is putting the screws on manufacturing.

Did Rudd really consider this when he was negotiating woth Twiggy?

And when was Treasury going to get involved and , for that matter , Ken Henry?

There is no doubt Australia does need a boost to it's infrastructure.

Sydney needs new roads and railway lines. Melbourne needs needs new roads and railway lines.

Peter Costello put aside huge amounts into 'funds' because they knew that the surpluses could be spent on new infrastructure but if they did pull out the cheque books the economy would go crazy.

We didn't have enough tradesmen because the mining industry was already causing shortages in the skills areas.

How were we going to spend billions on infrastructure with causing inflation to accelerate?

Did Rudd not think of this?

Even Kochie could've told him!

And can we even start to believe that Twiggy was negotiating with Kevvie 'in the national interest'?

Not likely!

It is sad to think that Kevvie was such a maverick.

At least this sort of thing will never happen if Abbott gets the levers, you might say.

Liberals do it differently, you might think.

But look at what Howard did on GST and the expenditure on the Murray Darling Basin.

Where do politicians get off not using Cabinet processes to run our country?

Inside Tony's head. The Blowfly's report as to what happened.

During the week The Blowfly happened to be in the right place at the right time.

I was on Tony Abbott's shoulder that fateful day last week when Mark Riley from Channel 7 asked him to explain his 'shit happens' comment.

In the fly-world 'shit has to happen' for us to survive. I was born in shit and so were most of my family (except Cousin Percival who was born in an old 'Big Mac'-----a sort of miracle birth given the amount of preservative he had to contend with) so it does not worry me. But it seems to worry humans.

Candidly it was all a little surreal!

That was because Tony Abbott had been warned some 2 hours earlier that Channel 7 was going to ask the question.

The Blowfly was tuned into Tony's thinking from the time the warning came.He knew something big was going to happen-----he could just feel it in his grotty little wings!

This is The Blowfly's best recollection of the thought processes Tony went through leading up to Riley pushing the microphone into his scowling face:

"Shit!Shit!Shit!Shit!Shit!Shit! Are they really going to ask me a question like that?.........err......ummm.....'shit happens' is what we used to say at school when one of us was recruited to be a choir boy........'shit happens' was what Australians thought went Annette Keating announced she was splitting from Paul.......'shit happens' was what the Liberal Party thought when Andrew Peacock starting dating Shirley MacLaine.......Johnny Howard said that 'shit happens' when he made up his mind to introduce a GST on the 'Sunday' programme before he told his parliamentary colleagues.......Peter Costello is now saying it all the time.........."

"Jesus H. Christ I hope that no-one has told Malcolm Turnbull that Channel 7 is going to ask the question.......that little bastard will be standing by the TV gloating his little Eastern Suburb's arse off...........how will I handle this damn question?"

His mind went blank for a few seconds........"error, error......will not compute......error, error"...... but then got into gear again.

"How would John Howard have answered it?........hmmm.......umm......err....I s'pose Janette would've told him what to say.......umm.....err....should I ring her?........no! I'm a Rhodes Scholar and I should be able to stand on my own 2 feet........I'm also the Leader of the Opposition who almost became PM except for several thousand red-neck piss-pots in marginal seats not voting for me.......and I have the balls for this job......I really do!......many people have seen them.....that's why I wear those brief bathers..........maybe I should dream up another 3-word slogan........'no hard questions'........'go easy on Tony'.......no ....err... that has 4 words.......(at this stage you notice his ears twitching which is the sure sign that he has had a good idea)........'fuck Channel 7'......how would that go down?.......mmmm.....tempting......very tempting........I don't think the Australian public is quite ready to hear a Catholic politician use the 'f-word' yet......and I still want the votes of the Christian lobby.......and I'm also still hopeful of getting into heaven........and what would Father Bob say if I swore?.....I wonder what Bob Katter would say?............and I can only imagine what that dipstick Hockey would say...........".

And then it happened again...."error,error,does not compute,error,error,syntax error........"

"Maybe I should just flatten the reporter who asks me the question?......that's what Muhammad Ali would do...........or.....maybe.........I'll give the reporter the 'Julie Bishop stare'......that might work.......it disarms everyone else.....especially these days when it radiates from a deep 'WA-fake tan'.....where did she get that tan from?............oh shit here is Mark Riley!"

At that moment The Blowfly noticed that Tony went into interview mode. His chest bulged, his eyes became piercing and he stood upright.

But when Mark Riley asked the question Tony's brain found itself locked into the last 2 thoughts he'd had.

"Will I deck this guy or will I give him the 'Julie Bishop stare'?......error,error,error.....Will I deck this guy or will I give him the 'Julie Bishop stare'?........error,error,........Will I deck this guy or will I give him the 'Julie Bishop stare'?.....error,error,does not compute.....Will I deck this guy or will I give him the 'Julie Bishop stare'?....error,error,does not compute.......Will I deck this guy or will I give him the 'Julie Bishop stare'?.........." and so on and so on for 30 seconds

His brain locked up with 2 competing attractive thoughts.

His final thought was "Shit happens alright and it just....err....umm..... happened again! God I do hope Malcolm wasn't watching!"

The Blowfly was left to ponder the words of George W. Bush.

"It will take time to restore chaos and order"

Not to mention

"They have miscalculated me as their leader"

Tony Abbott finally acknowledges his baggage

Every so often The Blowfly is able to share a poignant moment with a politician.

In politics poignant moments are rare. Few come to mind.

Gough Whitlam shaking hands with Malcolm Fraser was one. Bob Hawke admitting he liked the grog too much was another. Malcolm Fraser conceding defeat to Bob Hawke because the drought had broken was memorable. Paul Keating showing Howard around The Lodge was also worthy. And John Howard being beaten in his own seat because he did not hand over to Costello was also a highlight in The Blowfly's perverse mind.

But today..............today it was Tony Abbott who was providing the poignant moment for The Blowfly.

I was able to be on Tony's shoulder when he went to see the NLP (neuro-linguistic programming) practitioner.

He'd been working up to it for some time.

You see Tony had realised that he was carrying a lot of baggage from the Howard era-----not to mention his Catholic education and his short stint training as a priest!

It was starting to get him down.

Because he was not Howard. Not Howard!

Howard could pull things out of a hat. Tampa. The 'guns buyback'.The GST.The $10 billion to spend on the Murray Darling.

But unfortunately for Tony he could not even get things into a hat...............his ears got in the way!

And he realised that he had not had a constructive thought to take our nation forward for over a decade.

That didn't mean he wasn't playing to his strengths...........it's just that he had resolved with his God that he was going to be positive in 2011 and position himself as a 'statesman'..........much in the way that Howard had intended for himself but blew it when pride got in the way and he did not execute his succession plan.

Abbott has more at stake and there is more presure!

Abbott has Turnbull breathing down his neck. Imagine that! A personal fortune of over $140 million to fund his endeavours.

Tony just has his parliamentary salary and the royalties from his book.Not much joy there!

His thoughts were starting to come through loud and clear.

"Why does Tony Windsor think I'm such a dickhead?.............why did those Independents not fall victim to my charms?...............what is so beguiling about a red-haired slow-talking woman who sounds 'wooden'?...........why does she talk so slow?...............why doesn't Malcolm love me anymore?..........why am I getting hammered so much about my negative approach?...........it's not really negative ..............its just what Johnny taught me................and then Janette told me I would have her support if I didn't change anything......................and oh shit........... why is Laurie Oakes starting to be kinder to Julia?" His jaw dropped as he walked to his appointment.

She was a nice lady.......... the NLP practitioner. Well-groomed. Neat.

"So how can I help you Mr Abbott?" she asked.

"Well err ahh err", he stammered', "I haven't had a positive thought or idea since Julia became Prime Minister.I err ahh err want to become positive again................ like Malcolm is!"

And that was the poignant moment for The Blowfly!

He finally admitted what we all knew! He was a SNAG after all.

The words of Winston Churchill come into The Blowfly's mind: "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire"

Turnbull knows he can still be Prime Minister

On Sunday The Blowfly sought out the Member for Wentworth, Malcolm Turnbull.

His seat is named Wentworth for a reason.

It could be the 'real' seat of democracy in Australia.

In Malcolm's electorate there is a huge rock. On this William Charles Wentworth sat while he drafted the NSW Constitution and gazed lovingly across the harbour towards Sydney.WC Wentworth found fame as one of the trio who traversed their way into Australian history books by crossing the Blue Mountains first.

The Member for Wentworth had his dictionary out and was pondering his fate ,and for that matter-----his brief from Tony Abbott!......."Demolish the NBN"

The Blowfly saw him turn to the word "demolish".

"Knock to pieces, destroy, overthrow" the dictionary revealed.

He closed his eyes and rested his weary head on the back of his chair.

His mind wandered. He thought of the ETS. He thought of Ozemail. He thought of his days with Nick Whitlam.He thought of Kevin Rudd and his leadership being destroyed. He thought of his old friends at Goldman Sachs and the money they would make from a carbon trading scheme.He thought of John Howard and his failure to install Peter Costello as his replacement.He thought of Janette (but this is a family blog and these thoughts have been censored).He thought of Twitter.He thought of WC Wentworth. He continued to think about WC Wentworth. He continued further to think about WC Wentworth.In fact he could not get thoughts of WC Wentworth out of his head.

And then a paranormal event occurred.

The spirit of WC Wentworth then satiated Malcolm's head with it's presence.

Malcolm had channelled Kerry Packer before---- but never WC Wentworth!

And here is The Blowfly's recollection of what William Charles Wentworth said to Malcolm Turnbull.

"My boy, you have been set up.You are not born to demolish. You are born to build.Just like I was!"

WC Wentworth was coming through loud and clear. He had Malcolm's attention---total and complete!

"That scoundrel Abbott does not have a 'building' bone in his body. He thinks that politics must be adversarial. Good Lord, Turnbull you must stick to the high ground. You have a good brain in your head and you should use it. But don't use it on a negative task given to you by a Catholic! And he deserves no more respect just because he is a Rhodes Scholar.You took on that Packer chap and won, Turnbull.You can take this chap on and win too!"

The Blowfly noted, from the comfort of Malcolm's shoulder, a little stirring in his psyche and even a minute shudder in his thought processes.

WC continued: "When we discovered the route over the Blue Mountains it opened up the agricultural wealth of this nation. In due course railroads were built and the wheat belt developed.The wool industry expanded.New industries started up.New jobs were created.It was a bonanza."

Malcolm sighed. The analogy was dramatic.The NBN had the same capacity and he knew it.Australia could be the envy of the world.

"But", WC continued,"in due course several other routes were found and this allowed the wealth of Australia's natural resources to be exploited even more".

"So in biblical terms, Turnbull, 'there are many ways over the Blue Mountains'",WC stated, chuckling at the beauty of his metaphor.

"And we did not perform a cost-benefit analysis on any of them! We just knew it was what had to be done."

"Your job, my boy is to build this thing up for the benefit of this nation. You don't owe Abbott a thing. You have your principles to uphold!And you are in a good position to do it."

"You see, young Turnbull, you have a hung Parliament to work with. This has been designed precisely for your wits.Not Abbott's. He is too much of a street-fighter. This situation demands finesse. And you have that! You will know how to see the trees from the forest. That's what you have been learning on your life's journey. That's what that rebuff at the Constitutional Convention was about. That's what the loss of your Liberal leadership was about. You have to do your homework better. You have to win the troops over with your beguiling nature."

It was at this stage that Lucy entered the room. She was totally bemused at her husband---- sound asleep with a dictionary open in his lap!

She gave him a loving peck on the cheek and he opened his eyes and looked adoringly at her.

"I've been channelling WC and he's told me how I can be Prime Minister at the next election, darling", he said with a glint in his eye.

She responded immediately.

"If you'd listened to me Malcolm, you could've been Prime Minister after this election."

He rolled his eyes and then reached for his iPhone.

As he left the room all The Blowfly could hear was him mumbling about talking to Stephen Conroy.

By this time The Blowfly had been distracted by the exquisite smell of a lemon-meringue pie that Lucy had produced in the kitchen.Conroy could wait.

Even a Blowfly can't live on political intrigue alone!

In this election we might well be in a 'parallel universe'

Should any of you be budding physicists then this election will constitute overwhelming evidence that the concept of 'parallel universes' is a distinct possibility.

The Blowfly has long had the capacity to jump between these parallel universes and now finds that many politicians have the same ability. But most of them don't realise that it is happening.

After KRudd's victory in 2007 The Blowfly had, on the morning after the election, experienced an 'altered state' and , although initially was totally confused in his new universe, he settled into the swing of it. The 'altered state' emanated from eating some rotting mushroom sauce dripping from on an old, half-eaten steak he found in a bin outside a Canberra restaurant frequented by pollies.

The Blowfly awoke this particular morning in another universe---- and in the year 2012.

In this universe John Howard had resigned in late 2006 to give Peter Costello a 'heads-up' to become Prime Minister. Costello had performed well, as had his Treasurer Malcolm Turnbull.Although the ALP still tipped Beazley out in favor of Rudd and Gillard it was not enough for them to win the election.

A Costello/Turnbull government was returned with jubilation only to be confronted by the GLOBAL FINANCIAL CRISIS. They handled this rather well by pouring money into the economy. They developed an 'education revolution' and initiated a school building programme, developed a programme to insulate Australian houses and also gave Australians back some of their taxes to spend. The complaint from the Opposition was that the $900 didn't go far enough and many bogans spent it on plasma tv's and poker machines.Later on the insulation programme ran into difficulties when the Minister in charge, Barnaby Joyce, did not respond quickly enough to safety concerns.

KRudd, as the Opposition leader, criticised the Government for spending too much and burdening the country with crippling debt. But Australia fared rather well, in comparison to other countries, and started to prosper again well before the 2010 election.

KRudd and his deputy, Gillard found it difficult to get traction during the 2010 campaign because Costello and Turnbull, despite the lack of warmth between them, were able to convince the electorate that not only had they applied normal Keynesian economic strategy to the GFC but they had also sprung energetically from a better base due to the good economic management of the Howard/Costello years.The electorate was grateful, and Costello's good-humored style and open-mindedness (that Howard had lacked), meant a 'no-contest' election campaign in 2010.

Meanwhile back on the hustings Gillard had difficulty dealing with KRudd's abrasive style. He was a know-all to say the least and had an irritating habit of lecturing to those who would listen about his latest pet theory. After the election loss to Costello/Turnbull in 2010 KRudd was removed by heavies from the NSW Right who realised that although he was knowledgeable he was also a nerd who held a higher opinion of himself than they did.Gillard then became the first female Federal Opposition leader.

About this time The Blowfly sneezed and found himself back in the middle of the 2010 election campaign.The sudden move back to reality was a little challenging.

Just when the polls were showing that the ALP were up against it John Howard has returned to 'fight the good fight' (no doubt with Janette's blessing to "help that nice young boy,Tony, who looks up to you and who thinks like you,John").

The Blowfly thinks that this might be just the boost Labor needs!

Howard criticizing Australia's first female PM and acting as if he were a succession-planning genius who had handed the reins over in plenty of time for Costello to win the last election.Howard nor Abbott seem to realise that Howard's appearance will simply remind many voters why they voted for the ALP in 2007.

At a time when most of the media is focusing on Gillard's asking Rudd to be more involved in the campaign no one has given a thought to the Workchoices wounds, the 'Tampa' wounds and the "I'm not going to resign because my wife wont let me" wounds that 'little Johnny' will open up.

Howard unfortunately finds himself in this universe when it is obvious he should be in the other one.The Blowfly also knows that hypocrisy is found in both places.

The Blowfly is over-joyed that Latham has appeared from the other universe to label his nemesis, KRudd, as a 'serial leaker' (who would've believed it!) and to be the conscience of all ALP leaders going forward during his lifetime.Erratic as ever but with a striking ability to 'cut to the chase' Latham is both revered and despised. A politician of his apparent honesty is one thing that this election needs to give it some excitement.But he is no longer a politician!

Latham has been in the other universe for a while but, The Blowfly would suggest, he finds it a lot more fun in this one.

KRudd ,in the meantime and after lamenting his lot in life in an altogether different universe where he went on to be our nation's saviour, has secured his future in a future Labor Government because of his 'generous' offer to campaign------ but not beside Gillard! She is damned if he does and damned if he doesn't.

And there are still many voters who think that Gillard moved in a pre-meditated way against KRudd.Although Philip Adams and Laurie Oakes will tell you differently, she would have also been seen as disloyal if knowing, before the election, about the polling results in Queensland (that KRudd was not willing to face up to), she had not forced the issue with him.

Can you imagine the furore within Gillard's own support-base the morning after KRudd had lead the ALP to a resounding defeat? Some party official would take great joy in leaking that she had not spoken up and acted in the interests of the Party and the trade union movement.

The Blowfly recalls a George W Bush quip: "It will take time to restore chaos and order."

And in the words of Gerald Ford: "Things are more like today than they have ever been before"

The problem with being Tony

Sweating profusely he could see the finish line in sight.

He rode like a man driven by his carnal and spiritual instincts. Beside him on another bike was Lindsay Tanner who grinned leeringly at him for a few moments then accelerated leaving a faint smell of perspiration behind him.

Then a familiar red-headed female rider tore past him at break-neck speed again leaving a trail of soiled perfume that could only be described as slightly 'Western Bulldogs' mixed with a modicum of 'ranga'. His heart sank!

But when Wayne Swan appeared---pedalling in his Queensland 'white shoes'--- and left him in a trail of 'Queensland odour' (or perhaps that should read 'odium') he was completely gutted.

He was simply unable to catch up. He rode with the fiercest determination he'd had since the days of the ETS but still he could not make an impression on the gap between him and them.

The finishing line came and went and he pedalled on into the sunset.

That was when he saw the tsunami. It hit him with it's full force but he did not feel it. In floating oblivion he awoke, still sweating profusely.

The Blowfly had witnessed one of Tony Abbott's recurring nightmares.

Positioned on Tony's alarm clock he watched the Opposition leader tossing and turning while he channelled Tony's latest dream---- rich with its symbolic imagery!

When eventually the alarm came on The Blowfly almost crapped his little fly-knickers. But Tony was relieved.Even Tony knows a dream is not a 'gospel-truth'. In fact its not even a 'core-promise'!

Tony lay in bed for a little while pondering his predicament.

"Why can KRudd stuff so many things up and yet the Opposition leader is still thought of as a dill?"

"How can a 'Christian' like KRudd have such a reputation for foul language and still be seen as 'pious'? And I trained for the priesthood!"

"Why is God deserting me in my hour of need? I'm still a good Catholic."

"Why can't I be more like Malcolm Turnbull?"

"Come to think of it why can't I be more like Peter Costello?........ He had a such a way about him........ that 'Peter Garrett thing' he did.......that Kerri-Ann interview that endeared him to the populace........oh woe is me and my little Catholic brain!"

"Why can't my wife be more like Janette Howard? I really need some constructive pillow talk right now.............Although she did stuff it in the end by not letting John appoint a successor before the election............Peter Costello would've walked over KRudd in my situation."

"Where will I get all my policy initiatives from so late in the piece?"

"John Howard! Of course, John Howard.He pulled that 'Tampa thing' off."

The Blowfly rolls his eyes. He ponders 'upon what subject will Tony Abbott next employ his versatile incapacity?'{Housman}

The Blowfly recalls the wisdom of Dr Laurence J Peter: "If you don't know where you are going you will end up somewhere else."

And finally The Blowfly now understands why people say that God has a sense of humour.

It does not matter which party wins the next election------we will still have a Christian in charge! Oh dearie me! How funny is that?

Will Kevin Rudd's Easter prayers be answered?

This week The Blowfly has found himself thinking about religion. After all it is Easter and there is much 'goings-on' in that field.

The Blowfly was interested to see that after the Good Friday services the press reported the various themes enunciated by the Christian leaders in their respective services to the faithful.

The Anglican Archbishop of Sydney, Dr Peter Jensen, took the line that "atheism is as much of a religion as Christianity."

The Blowfly's minute brain was stretched to the limit by this assertion.

But The Blowfly was ahead of the pack as to how the 'powers-that-be' were thinking about religious issues over Easter.

Most of you would have seen the whistle-stop interviews on television with 'Our Kevvie' as he emerged from his Good Friday church service with his wife. What most of you did not see was The Blowfly sitting on his right shoulder.

Ever the opportunist The Blowfly had managed to latch onto the PM's sports coat and sit through the service with him. Not many of you will have had the pleasure of hearing the PM's prayers-----being the good little Christian Queenslander that he is!

During the first period for solitude and reflection this was the nature of his prayer.

"Dear God, thank you for being with me during these last few weeks whilst I try to pull my hospital plan together.Our hospitals are in a shambles, despite being managed by state Labor governments for over a decade------or is that because they were managed by state Labor governments over the years? Hospital bureaucrats have increased by 70% during that time and yet the number of hospital beds per thousand has dropped from 5 to 2.5.

With your help, God, our population is ageing and with all this wonderful new technology we have we can keep your charges alive longer. This might be seen as your fault, God, if I can humbly put that perspective.And so I would like to think that you would come to our aid in helping me belt these State Premiers around the ears so we can fix 'your' system.

I know we have big problems overcoming the shortage of doctors and I know it is all linked to the shortage of aged care facilities but somehow you have to hold my hand here and give me the solutions.

And God, please help me with the public relations. There are some who are saying that if we can't run an 'insulation' hand-out nationally how would we be able to run a hospital system. This is an election year. The voters are watching us closely. Please help me!"

At this stage Therese gently elbows him and he stands like a humanoid for a hymn.

Hymn over, more religious rituals and now the PM is back to another moment of solitude and prayer.

"Continuing on God, thank you for the idea of appointing a Minister for Population. Tony Burke will be a good man for the job.He deals with all those red-necked farmers so well and they are the ones we need to have on side to be able to feed the increasing population. Gee, I hope they can come up with the goods! Ever since Peter Costello invited mothers and fathers to have 'one for the country' our birth-rate has been rising. But not fast enough to overcome all our skills shortages.

And God please help Stephen Conroy with his internet-filtering plan. He means well and we have to have something place before we get the National Broadband Network in place. Otherwise all that pornography will just get distributed at very high speed.

Also God can you please help the Pope.He needs you right now. We all take our eyes off the ball from time to time----just like I did with whaling and the Japanese!
And God can you please help the Broncos? I've forgiven that bastard, Wayne Bennett for moving to St George but many haven't. That's why Therese married me God! I'm full of forgiveness! Speaking of forgiveness, God, please help me to find a new job for Peter Garrett. I can't demote a rock star any further in an election year. There must be something he can do!"

Another nudge in the ribs from Therese and Kevvie's Good Friday moment of prayer and solitude concludes.

As he arises and walks from the church you hear him think to himself:" I wonder what sort of dick-head journalist will await me this morning? Sometimes I just yearn for the return of The Chaser or Norman Gunston!"

How KRudd came to focus on productivity for his Australia Day speeches

Australia Day is as close as we are going to get to a national day of religious observance based on our country’s so-called values.

We see it as traditional to gather around a barbecue (a meal is associated with other religious observances eg Thanksgiving by the Pilgrim Fathers) and to swat flies away (which is a gesture similar to the genuflect and sign of the cross over one’s forehead--- practiced by Catholics).

It is not surprising therefore that The Blowfly should divulge to you an experience he had during the week whilst sitting on the shoulder of KRudd, our Prime Minister.

It happened during the course of a post-lunch snooze in his ante-room when he had been putting together the essence of his main Australia Day speech.

KRudd was readying himself for a slight repose after a morning of heavy cranial activity. His advisors had been telling him that Australians wanted to hear about the ‘deep-shit effect’ of the ageing population. By 2050,when most of us who can think about these things will be dead, they were arguing that there would not be enough taxpayers to support the elderly in ‘the manner to which they had not been alerted to’ by Peter Costello in his previous Intergenerational Report.

They argued that he had to urge Australians to improve their productivity in order to avoid an economic abyss.

But to give KRudd his dues he was not convinced. He had something a little more motivational and inspiring in his mind but he could not quite put his little pinkie on it.

As he positioned his head softly in his comfortable chair he channelled his highly elaborate line of thought into The Blowfly’s huge brain. It went like this.

“ Golly gee gosh! There is so much to put in this speech…………I’ll bet Tony Abbott plays the race card in his speech and incurs the wrath of the press………..I don’t want to be like him, budgie-smugglers or no budgie-smugglers………..so much has happened this week……………Prince William was here but Australians don’t really want to hear about the Republic or our plans to cut him out of a cushy job………..Obama went all soft and admitted the job had nearly got on top of him and he’d not listened enough to the people………….I reckon it’s too early to start listening to people………and besides that I listen to Therese…………and someone picked up on John Howard possibly taking that job as the Chairman of the International Cricket Council…….Jesus ,I hope nobody finds out it was me that organised that………….and the bloody Indians are talking about banning our cricketers from the IPL cricket matches because of the attacks here on their students………….what bloody wankers……what about all the attacks on Australians in India?.........................how will anyone be able to win without Andrew Symonds and Ricky Ponting in their teams………….maybe I could warn Australians about the hits they will have to take when the Henry Review of the tax system is released?............no ,not on Australia Day!...............maybe I could talk about the emissions trading scheme and how we got done over at Copenhagen but we are going to push on………hmmmmmm ……….zzzzzzzzz........but probably not until I work out how to deal with our coal industry………….I just cant find a way of getting around their argument………if we tax them and they produce less ,then other international coal exporters will just take up their sales--------- and global emissions wont be reduced at all-----just our sales----and Australian jobs will be reduced as well………..Jesus H Christ how am I going to solve that one? …………..maybe I could make another promise to stop whaling………..or to reform the health system………………….maybe I could talk about the Australian Open and tennis…….bring Rod Laver and Ken Rosewall into it somehow!................Australians like hearing about their successful sportsmen and women…………….zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…………..maybe I should talk in Mandarin and make sure it’s beamed into China…………zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz……….or Paris…………..Paris Hilton…………..zzzzzzzzzzz………..not a bad sort……….zzzzzzz………Peter Singer and his beef tax……………….zzzzzzzzz………..(snort, snort)………..productivity……..that’s what I’ll talk about……..we need to work smarter, not harder…………..especially me……… no more 5.30 am meetings………..yes don’t do as I do, do as I say…………just as our teachers used to do at Nambour State High School where I was Dux…………..geeez I was clever then………………(waking up fully)”

Now alert, he calls his minder to fetch the speech-writer so he can instruct him to talk about productivity in his Australia Day speech to the nation.

And that my friends caused The Blowfly to recall the much quoted statement by a White House aide who quipped “We have done the PR. Now we’ve got to try to devise the strategy”

The Blowfly’s small brain is not able to see how productivity can be improved without the Government providing the right policy framework , economic signals and infrastructure.

If you think that KRudd has a clue about this topic then may I ask that you please enlighten The Blowfly.

Julia Gillard's touch is just what Australia needs in holiday mode

Everyone seems still to be on holidays and The Blowfly was sorely tempted to take this route. But he managed to curb his indolent, hedonistic tendencies and went with Julia Gillard, the Acting PM.

Kevvie was still in holiday mode and he had daned to leave the country in the hands of a female----a redheaded one at that!

And as always happens when you think you are important and you hand the reins over----things always happen that you wish you could’ve been involved in.

There was the sinking of the high-tech boat by the Japanese whaling boat . The Blowfly had been the proverbial ‘fly on the wall’ when Kevvie had given Julia strict instructions to ‘hold an inquiry’ if this blew up. He reckoned his purposeful inaction on Japanese whaling will be soon forgotten and he can win some votes again by promising to take action before the election.

There was also the winning of the ‘un-winnable’ cricket test by the Australians against Pakistan. But Kevvie had this one covered by being there and taking some of the glory in true Bob Hawke-style.

She also managed to keep the lid on the Indian student murder and the airport security issue in the US.

These are all things that Kevvie could’ve exploited neatly in an election year----but for Julia these are just regulation matters more in the line of house-keeping than opportunities for speaking Mandarin or being seen having a beer with Ricky Ponting.

So imagine , if you will , that you are The Blowfly and you are happily perched on the shoulder of the Deputy PM whilst she wields the levers of power.

The first thing you notice, from her shoulder, is that she does actually clean behind her ears. The backs of her lobes are the epitome of personal hygiene---quite unlike the PM”s!

The second thing you have to get used to is the mop of red hair. You have always found red hair rather beguiling and slightly erotic. Sometimes you feel a slight buzz in your fly-loins when you think of red hair. But you now have to get used to the ‘Ranga’ taunts directed at your host. It took a while for you to realise that having red hair could be a two-edged sword---especially when you are in the public eye.

Its been a busy week but Julia has been up to it and has seemed to handle it with the aplomb of Ronald Reagan who took everything in his stride and never seemed to take himself too seriously.

Your first channelling opportunity came later in the week when, after a cup of tea and a small cucumber sandwich for lunch, she retired to the PM’s ante-room for a short snooze. She’s picked up this preservation tactic from Winston Churchill who swore by it.

With the paper in her lap she went into a state of consciousness somewhere between Kiama and Bermagui. Her pretty little brain was wrestling with the whaling issue initially but moved onto other things as she searched for the Sandman.

“Ah its good to be holding the reins’, she muses ,“ I don’t know why Kevvie has to get up so early to run the country and upset all those public servants…………I think he needs to manage his time better……….I’ll talk to Therese, she’ll know what to do with him and how to broach the subject………women should run the world shouldn’t they?.............Hilary will be here later in the week……... I might have a few words to her……..you don’t have to be the kingpin………… you can pull the levers from behind like she did with Bill all those years……….…there’s no glass ceiling only glass floors……….. with all those perving men looking up your skirts from underneath……….or if you’re like Jennifer Hawkins you don’t even need a glass floor…..…..all a man has to do is to buy a Sun Herald or a Marie Clare to see a woman’s charms……….why did she do it?...........Myer mustn’t be paying her enough……….I wonder what I would do if someone offered to photograph me in the nude?............I’ve got more flaws than her I reckon……….and Bill Heffernan was right about one thing…….. I’ll never have any stretch marks…………..I should get a new hair –style ………..one that does justice to my eyes………...so I can flash them at Tony Abbott this year………………...he thinks I’m a hornbag…………………………….I can take it!...........a woman needs a little luvvin’…………hmmmm…………….. it might distract him if I got a new hair-do………maybe I could get some political advantage from my gender………It’s about time I did…………..I must admit he did look ok in his budgie-smugglers……..and his hairy chest………...what a man!..........and in his memoirs, Peter Costello reckons that Tony Abbott sees himself as ‘something of a romantic figure’…………….….I reckon I might do that……………I’ll get a new hair-do…. ….something that will really make Tony stand-up and look………….…I might have to get a new hairdresser though…….. Tim seems to have lost interest in my hair ………….…it’s actually quite embarrassing having people mock me about my hair when my partner is a hairdresser…………………….. I’ll be Kevvie’s secret weapon coming up to the election”

The Sandman is almost there and a cunning smile forms on her lips.

“Or maybe Prince William……he’s coming this week too………God , he’s a hunk…………………………zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz”

And that’s when you lost her.

There were some images The Blowfly was able to pick up but they were not suitable for a family blog such as this.

Should Rudd engineer more help from the Liberals?

This sunny Sunday afternoon we find Kevvie Rudd, our noble leader, on leave and pondering the forthcoming year, the world and his role in the prosperity and advancement of mankind.

He is lazing in an easy chair in his back-yard and is the epitome of a relaxed politician---- wearing an old and, fashionably faded, 'Kevin07' t-shirt from the last election--- and thongs. Modestly, a pair of footy shorts presented to him by Wally Lewis years ago after a rare Queensland loss in a State of Origin series, adorn his thighs.

Sitting in the shade he is allowing his mind to free-flow a little. The election later in the year is on his mind.The press is starting to speculate about it and it has got him thinking---reluctantly!

The Blowfly has lost none of his psychic capacity despite the gastronomic excesses of the Xmas period. Kevvie's thoughts come to you in a lucid fashion---similar to the way that Tiger Woods seems to find trouble in 'the rough'.

Initially he started with the usual questions."Have I done enough?...... Should I work even longer hours?..... Why doesn't Julia get another makeover?...... What happened to Wayne's sense of humour?...... Why can't he be more like Peter Costello?....... Will the Australian public mind me not having the $42 billion stimulus package approved by Cabinet?..... Does Tony Abbott look better in swimmers than me?.......Where do UFO's come from?.......Did JFK really get assassinated because he had instructed the CIA to hand over the UFO files to the Soviet Union as a pre-cursor to collaboration on their respective space programmes?....... If Therese keeps on losing weight would she be a vote-catcher in bathers or a vote-loser?.........Do carbon emission trading arrangements really destroy indigenous farmlands around the world?..........Was Obama really groomed for the presidency by key members of the Trilateral Commission?..............What was I thinking about?........Ahhh, the election."

" I am extremely grateful that I learnt Mandarin and opened up all those new neural pathways in my tiny little Queensland brain.There is quite a lot to think about really when you have to run a country full of yobbo's and pretentious lawyers."

"But being PM is such a hoot ," he thinks."I didn't realise it could be this much fun when I was planning it all.Mel and Kochie and Joe and I were such a good act.Joe made me look like such a learned chap........The Liberals are such a sharing crew.... I owe quite a lot to the Liberals when I stop to think about it."

" Malcolm gave me a hand with the ETS---although it didn't get over the line--it wasn't through any lack of his trying....Tim Fischer has supported me to get the Catholic vote at the next election when he accepted my invitation to be the ambassador at the Holy See.... Amanda Vanstone has been really loyal to me during her time in Italy and Peter Costello will be really grateful to me for his appointment to the Board of the Future Fund..... I doubt if he will be anything but helpful from here on in. That Future Fund stuff is a really good junket for him and he will probably get that job with Goldman Sachs that he really wants."

"And even my old foe Tony Abbott!.... He's such a good Christian---just like me! He recently advocated that all school children should be reading the Bible as part of their studies. What a good idea!.... I wonder if we could legislate for that?..... It's really a pity that Tony and I have to fight each other in an election campaign this year.....He would've made such a good priest!......Although when I saw that photo of him in his budgie-smugglers it probably would've been a waste...... I wonder how I can preserve my Christian principles on the campaign trail when my Party---and Paul Keating ---expect that I should take poor old Tony apart?"

" I'll bet those back-room boys will focus on asylum seekers and our refugee policy and start harking on it as we come into the election.......Oh dear me, how will I handle that?........I'm such a compassionate fellow and my Christian beliefs mean that we should offer them all asylum......'Blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy'"

A new line of thinking squeezes its way into his highly organised Queensland brain.

"What would Jesus do?" he ponders.

"Hmmmm!.... That certainly is hard..... Turn the other cheek?..... Do unto others as they would do unto me?...... Oh I know!....Of course.......Matthew 5:44.'Love your enemies and those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you'"

You watch his face contort from behind. His ears twitch a little.You can see that his mother's exhortations to 'wash behind your ears Kevin' have been ignored for the last few weeks.

Then a miracle happens! Or so it appeared to The Blowfly anyway---at the time!

A small bird shits on Kevvie's head. A little light comes on in the home of his neurons.

"Why don't I appoint more Liberals to positions helpful to the ALP?......What a strategic winner-of-votes that will be?"

"Malcolm Turnbull has got the shits with his party. I could appoint him to the World Bank or something similar.......There he can rub shoulders with his old mates from Goldman Sachs....... Or maybe Ambassador to the US?...... Phillip Ruddock would probably love a fancy gig somewhere........ Not to mention Bronwyn Bishop.For God's sake, Shadow Minister for the Aged! She should be in a home herself."

His sharp political mind goes into evaluation phase.

"The problem is going to be getting Paul Keating to see the method in my madness...... He goes berserk every time I make one of the these 'wise political appointments'......He's not a Christian like me....... He's not magnanimous like me! That's why his wife left him and Therese is still with me."

" Maybe I'd better run it past Caucus first!"

He arises from his easy chair and heads to the pool where Therese is giving her new bathers a run.

"Therese. Therese.....What do you think about this idea?"

At this point you sniff a new aroma coming from the kitchen and it distracts you from the robust decision-making process in train. You take your leave knowing that Australia has the leadership it deserves.

Who says Kevin Rudd is not possessed of a sense of humour?

The Blowfly is grinning from ear-to-ear presently. For some time you have been an ardent supporter of the view that KRudd has perhaps the sharpest sense of humour in the Parliament.

Recent events , such as the the appointment of Peter Costello to the board of the Future Fund, have confirmed your opinion and your little chest is bulging at being right.

Down the halls of Parliament House you roam heading for KRudd's office.You swing past Wayne Swan's office and rest on the wall for a moment because you think you can hear KRudd's mono tonal voice. But it turns out to be Wayne doing the economics homework set for him by Treasury.

"Macroeconomics is about the economy as a whole, microeconomics is about specific economic units;Macroeconomics is about the economy as a whole, microeconomics is about specific economic units;Macroeconomics is about the economy as a whole, microeconomics is about specific economic units,..........". You leave him with his pain and move on.

You find KRudd in his ante-room relaxing with a book you read years ago, "The Wit of Sir Robert Menzies".He is chuckling to himself.The one that has struck his fancy is "Prime Ministers are always being blamed for something.It's fair enough, because they are given credit sometimes for things they didn't do".

He stops to reflect a little just as you land on his shoulder. You instantly latch onto his thinking process with your psychic prowess.

"Oh this has been such a good week! I loved the look on Paul Keating's face when he held that press conference about Costello's appointment to the Future Fund board.Being PM is quite a lot of fun really.I know why Howard was so reluctant to give it up.And the way Paul called Costello a 'policy bum' was sheer genius.Paul Lyneham used to say that policies 'were carefully devised Government strategies often dreamed up by Prime Ministers on talkback radio shows'.I wonder what Paul's definition of a 'policy bum' would be in that context?"

"It's a lot lot of fun pretending to be bipartisan.All the former high-profile leaders except Howard are now in positions where they have reasons to say nice things about me.I'll soon be ready for my next brilliant moves.This is better than sex! No-one will be able to keep a straight face after I appoint John Howard to the UN. And wait until they hear about Downer's appointment!"

"And Paul called me a 'goodie two shoes'.Malcolm called me a hypocrite.Therese told me that I must've been doing something right.I just love this job!Therese has always reckoned I have a perverse sense of humour. She's a smart woman that one. She sure is lucky she married me. She's never looked back".

" I wonder if I could find an appointment for Wilson Tuckey when he retires? It must be soon. He's the oldest MP. Maybe Andrew Robb should be next though.He's taken some leave recently. He probably needs it more than Wilson."

Just then you feel a little breeze and the deputy-PM appears at the door. Julia has a new hair-do and gets straight to the point.

"Are you going to sit there chuckling to yourself all day? We have work to do!"

You hear Kevvie say to himself "Spoilsport! She always wants to work rather than have fun.She doesn't spend enough time at the hairdressers.I could ring up Trinnie and Susannah to ambush her for a makeover. Heh!Heh".

It is time for The Blowfly to take his leave. You circle the half-eaten cranberry sauce and turkey sandwich the PM has left on the table and adroitly land. As you take your fill you ruminate on the words of the American comic of the 1930's that stuck in your minute brain some years ago:

"As our Government deteriorates our humour increases".

Malcolm Turnbull---The Visionary! An opportunity for the taking!

Imagine, if you will, that you are a very curious and well- read blowfly that has firmly positioned itself on the shoulder of one Malcolm Turnbull ,the Leader of the Federal Opposition.
Yours has not been a hard life! Whilst many of your cousins have been clamoring around the swill-filled bins of Sydney you have been able to feast yourself on the sumptuous refuse of the eastern suburbs.

Vaucluse has always had a certain air about it. Besides the wonderful homes there is the history. You can remember your mother showing you the rock on which the first W.C. Wentworth sat whilst he scribbled out the NSW Constitution.

You have always considered yourself privileged to live in such an illustrious place and rub shoulders with the well-to-do and the elite.

Today you find yourself at home with Malcolm while he is pondering his fate and doing some strategic planning between his ears.

As usual he is doing this with a glass of Dom Perignon and with a glorious view of the harbour before him.Life is tough at the top and good champagne has always been your favourite tipple.
You can hear his mind working and today his thoughts are being channelled neatly into your small, but lucid, brain.

"This is not a good time to be a Liberal leader", he thinks. "Liberalism is based on the freedom of the market to allocate resources and those greedy capitalists in the USA have given capitalism a bad name.Governments all over the world have had to bail banks and other large organisation out. Many of these institutions are now owned by governments.Damn! Damn! Damn!"
While he is wrestling with this you do a couple of laps around his champagne glass and distract him.

But he is soon back on the band-wagon and you can hear him thinking thoughts of envy about Kevin Rudd's opportunities to cement himself in forever."Labor has always been good at spending taxpayer's money and now the ALP is in its element. And not only that, they get to roll out a national broadband network.That will stand them in good stead with Generation Y voters during the rest of your lifetime.I'll be as old as Ronald Reagan before I get a guernsey to run this country and put my stamp on it.And I know more about making money out of new technologies than KRudd!Remember Ozemail? God, why did I get this crappy hand of cards?"

You look longingly at the champagne glass but the moment has not yet come for your swoop into the liquid.
" And that bloody Peter Costello! Why is he being so coy about his future? He knows more about the economic situation then the rest of my entire party but he wont share it.I know he doesn't know the answers either but, bloody hell, he could be an extremely good sounding board for me while I am wrestling with the answers myself.I wish we got on better!I just wish I could just muster more humility when I am dealing with him."

You feel as one with his agitation and you decide that he needs to re-focus so you attempt to get up his nose. It works! He comes to his senses and starts thinking about the future and how he might out- muscle KRudd. His merchant banker brain cells come to life and you can sense that his opportunity-seeking behaviour is about to manifest itself.

" Maybe I could out-vision KRudd?" he ponders.
"Perhaps I could do what Lee Kwan Yew did in Singapore? I could focus on the post-GFC Australia ,say ,10 years down the track. This would provide the populace with welcome relief from their current pain.While KRudd is dealing with the complexities and difficulties of the present I could emerge as the Messiah and lead Australians into the promised land.Who says I have no vision?"

At that moment he leaps from his chair filled with elation to dart down the hallway to tell his wife and you have your chance. You leave his shoulder for the pleasure of the champagne glass as the sounds of " Lucy, Lucy ,I have it, I have it" echo around the house.

This has been a rather pleasing Sunday from your perspective!Your charge's life's work has just begun---and you have helped your country yet again. Ain't life wonderful?

What Peter Costello is up to!

Imagine, if you will, that you are a blowfly that has attached yourself to former Australian Treasurer Peter Costello.

You first picked him up at an Essendon home match one lazy Saturday afternoon in Melbourne. You were trying to get a landing spot on his pie--but he was too quick for you! You found this attribute rather beguiling and you thought that this guy might be worthwhile pursuing.
You were not wrong. He rose to having one of the most powerful positions in the country and you really enjoyed the cut and the thrust of the Cabinet meetings and the lead up to the Federal Budget each year. And you especially enjoyed the rather entertaining interview on Kerri-Ann's programme---it showed off his lighter side---which you had come to enjoy.

But your Treasurer friend was not the normal 'mow em down' type of ambitious politician. He did not like to knock his leader off. He thought that loyalty would be rewarded with loyalty and that Johnny Howard would keep his word. You came to realise that your Treasurer had an altruistic streak. This altruistic streak also helped him shape his view that the best leaders are those who are chosen by the masses rather than those who claw their way to the top.

Your heart was broken when the 2007 election was lost to Kevin Rudd but you could see that your boy needed a good rest. He needed sleep and to understand better the bailiwick. You were a little angry when some of his colleagues weren't happy about him having his rest and tried to ridicule him for his backbench deserts.

But in March 2009 he made a few appearances around the traps expressing his views that the Government's stimulus packages needed to be more focussed on job creation rather than hand-outs. For this he was creamed by the press and they tried to turn it into a stoush with Malcolm Turnbull.

Your heart sank further!

He was damned if he did and damned if he didn't.If he said nothing he was belittled and if he spoke out he was belittled.

But you knew what he was thinking because over the many years of sitting on his shoulder and trying to get up his nose you had developed a capacity to read Peter's mind.

You know that he is helping the Liberal Party to rebuild after that idiot Howard completely aborted the succession plan. You know that Turnbull has to have more experience in the Parliament. And you also know that your charge does not have all the answers to the global financial crisis at present.But he is working on the answers. And he is working on them from quite an advantageous position! He only has his electorate and the global financial crisis to consider. Whereas Rudd has all the ceremonial crap to distract him and Swan has Treasury to distract him.

Your boy, bless his little soul, can focus.

Your heart swells with pride as you contemplate the day he struts his stuff again.