What would Gough be thinking about this election?

"Men and Women of Australia!

The decision we will make for our country on 2 December is a choice between the past and the future, between the habits and fears of the past, and the demands and opportunities of the future. There are moments in history when the whole fate and future of nations can be decided by a single decision. For Australia, this is such a time. It's time for a new team, a new program, a new drive for equality of opportunities: it's time to create new opportunities for Australians, time for a new vision of what we can achieve in this generation for our nation and the region in which we live. It's time for a new government - a Labor Government."

Some of you will be old enough to recognise the beginning of Gough Whitlam's policy speech on 13 November 1972.

In trying to make some sense of this election campaign The Blowfly thought he would try to understand what Gough Whitlam thinks of the current state of affairs.

The Blowfly understands that Gough's decision, whilst in Opposition, to establish dialogue with China was a visionary masterstroke splattered with lashings of extreme good luck. That was because Richard Nixon followed Gough's initiative to China and made Gough look good. China has now become a major trading partner taking huge slabs of our resources and contributing substantially to our nation's living standards.

He also had a strong view on 'boat people'.After Saigon was taken over by North Vietnamese troops in 1975 and thousands of Vietnamese refugees sought asylum in Australia. Gough said:

"I’m not having hundreds of fucking Vietnamese Balts coming into this country with their religious and political hatreds against us!"

And he was good for an entertaining comment or two as well.

During Whitlam's attendance of the 12th Annual Aria Awards, he said of Hawke's penis

"The Emperor does not concern himself with trifles."

Back in May The Blowfly saw reports that Australia's longest-living former prime minister, Gough Whitlam, had moved into an aged-care facility, Lulworth House, a facility attached to St Luke's in Elizabeth Bay, Sydney at the age of 93.The report also added that he "remained alert".

After battling with the Eastern Suburbs traffic The Blowfly found his way to the facility and located Gough's room and --------- his shoulder!

He was sitting in front of the TV watching an election roundup----and from time to time slipping into an afternoon kip and docile oblivion.

The Blowfly tuned in carefully to Gough's thoughts.They went as follows:

"God this election is boring!.......And where is the vision?........he breaks into a little ditty in his head......... "Why can't they be like we were, perfect in every way, oh what's the matter with politicians today?"........he hums a few more bars............. he nods off for a while......then the words of Lyndon B. Johnson to the economist John Kenneth Galbraith emanate from Gough's ancient grey-matter:

"Did y'ever think Ken,that making a speech on economics is a lot like pissing down your leg? It seems hot to you, but it never does to anyone else.".......and so it is with politics", Gough thinks and chuckles to himself in his oblivion.

"This National Broadband Network seems like the only visionary thing anyone has raised during the campaign............it seems just like that gas pipeline that Rex Connor wanted to bring down to the cities from central Australia........... but why does that Conroy chap want to censor the Internet........the damned Christian lobby have been at it again..............the Sex Party want to review all censorship laws in Australia........what a great idea........that's the sort of thing I would've done...... at least we have a female PM now..........I wonder will I credit for that too?..........and I hope not too many people find out that that loser Rudd was encouraged by me to go into the diplomatic corp .........I didn't know that he would turn out to be such a micro-manager and control freak!..........at least they can't accuse me of that!.....I didn't really have that sort of control over anything............ and why does that total tool Mark Latham keep turning up on the campaign trail and also saying that he idolises me..........and why did they hold that debate at Rooty Hill for shit's sake?...........and why didn't Rudd intervene in the NSW branch of the party like I did in Victoria.......I detest it when the Unions run the parliamentary arm........and Christ, what will NSW do when they run out of electricity.......who is Mark Arbib anyway?.......and why didn't Paul Keating go and kick a few heads in NSW.......and why did that lovely Dutch girl leave him I wonder?.................zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...............why can't we put all those asylum seekers on Nauru or ............put them to work on wheat farms to shut all those whingeing farmers up........................zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz."

You decide to let the poor dear sleep on.Anyone would feel tired after pondering these questions.

The words of Martin Luther King come into the The Blowfly's small brain channelled directly from Gough Whitlam's mind:

"Well I don't know what will happen now.We've got some difficult days ahead. But it does not really matter with me now, because I have been to the mountaintop. And I don't mind."

The Blowfly, savoring his moment from the comfort of Gough Whitlam's sleeping shoulders decides he should ponder a few questions of his own ;

• Billy McMahon and Tony Abbott both had big ears. Is that a sign that it's time to vote Labor again?
• Should you be pleased that the ALP machine had the guts to remove Rudd so close to an election?
  
• Or should you be sorry for the Libs when you ponder how interesting this election would've been had Malcolm Turnbull been the Opposition leader?
• Should we put our nation in the hands of a woman for a few more years?
• How will Julia overcome the grip of the NSW right on the Labor Government in NSW and allow it to rebuild the infrastructure needed to supply sufficient electricity to it's residents and provide the transport networks to get them to and from work?
• Do we really want to put the country in the hands of a Tory politician who thinks that the sun shines out of John Howard's backside and whose only experience with the potential of the internet is emails?
• Does Stephen Conroy really know what he is doing and how many young voters he is alienating with his internet censorship policy?
  
• Why wont the Coalition tell us, even with the benefit of hindsight,what they would've done to solve the impact of the Global Financial Crisis and how much debt we would now have if they'd had the levers?
• Why did Blanche bring out that book about Bob during the election campaign?
• Will Channel 9 keep Mark Latham on after the election?
• Does Joe Hockey need to walk the Kokoda Track again?
  
• zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
• zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz"
  

So much for an election campaign, once described by Paul Lyneham as a 'high-budget , low quality soapie, usually lasting three weeks, in which leading pollies show their immense respect for voters by a combination of bribes and TV stunts; alternatively defined as a frantic attempt to inspire the apathetic with the implausible."

Should Rudd engineer more help from the Liberals?

This sunny Sunday afternoon we find Kevvie Rudd, our noble leader, on leave and pondering the forthcoming year, the world and his role in the prosperity and advancement of mankind.

He is lazing in an easy chair in his back-yard and is the epitome of a relaxed politician---- wearing an old and, fashionably faded, 'Kevin07' t-shirt from the last election--- and thongs. Modestly, a pair of footy shorts presented to him by Wally Lewis years ago after a rare Queensland loss in a State of Origin series, adorn his thighs.

Sitting in the shade he is allowing his mind to free-flow a little. The election later in the year is on his mind.The press is starting to speculate about it and it has got him thinking---reluctantly!

The Blowfly has lost none of his psychic capacity despite the gastronomic excesses of the Xmas period. Kevvie's thoughts come to you in a lucid fashion---similar to the way that Tiger Woods seems to find trouble in 'the rough'.

Initially he started with the usual questions."Have I done enough?...... Should I work even longer hours?..... Why doesn't Julia get another makeover?...... What happened to Wayne's sense of humour?...... Why can't he be more like Peter Costello?....... Will the Australian public mind me not having the $42 billion stimulus package approved by Cabinet?..... Does Tony Abbott look better in swimmers than me?.......Where do UFO's come from?.......Did JFK really get assassinated because he had instructed the CIA to hand over the UFO files to the Soviet Union as a pre-cursor to collaboration on their respective space programmes?....... If Therese keeps on losing weight would she be a vote-catcher in bathers or a vote-loser?.........Do carbon emission trading arrangements really destroy indigenous farmlands around the world?..........Was Obama really groomed for the presidency by key members of the Trilateral Commission?..............What was I thinking about?........Ahhh, the election."

" I am extremely grateful that I learnt Mandarin and opened up all those new neural pathways in my tiny little Queensland brain.There is quite a lot to think about really when you have to run a country full of yobbo's and pretentious lawyers."

"But being PM is such a hoot ," he thinks."I didn't realise it could be this much fun when I was planning it all.Mel and Kochie and Joe and I were such a good act.Joe made me look like such a learned chap........The Liberals are such a sharing crew.... I owe quite a lot to the Liberals when I stop to think about it."

" Malcolm gave me a hand with the ETS---although it didn't get over the line--it wasn't through any lack of his trying....Tim Fischer has supported me to get the Catholic vote at the next election when he accepted my invitation to be the ambassador at the Holy See.... Amanda Vanstone has been really loyal to me during her time in Italy and Peter Costello will be really grateful to me for his appointment to the Board of the Future Fund..... I doubt if he will be anything but helpful from here on in. That Future Fund stuff is a really good junket for him and he will probably get that job with Goldman Sachs that he really wants."

"And even my old foe Tony Abbott!.... He's such a good Christian---just like me! He recently advocated that all school children should be reading the Bible as part of their studies. What a good idea!.... I wonder if we could legislate for that?..... It's really a pity that Tony and I have to fight each other in an election campaign this year.....He would've made such a good priest!......Although when I saw that photo of him in his budgie-smugglers it probably would've been a waste...... I wonder how I can preserve my Christian principles on the campaign trail when my Party---and Paul Keating ---expect that I should take poor old Tony apart?"

" I'll bet those back-room boys will focus on asylum seekers and our refugee policy and start harking on it as we come into the election.......Oh dear me, how will I handle that?........I'm such a compassionate fellow and my Christian beliefs mean that we should offer them all asylum......'Blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy'"

A new line of thinking squeezes its way into his highly organised Queensland brain.

"What would Jesus do?" he ponders.

"Hmmmm!.... That certainly is hard..... Turn the other cheek?..... Do unto others as they would do unto me?...... Oh I know!....Of course.......Matthew 5:44.'Love your enemies and those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you'"

You watch his face contort from behind. His ears twitch a little.You can see that his mother's exhortations to 'wash behind your ears Kevin' have been ignored for the last few weeks.

Then a miracle happens! Or so it appeared to The Blowfly anyway---at the time!

A small bird shits on Kevvie's head. A little light comes on in the home of his neurons.

"Why don't I appoint more Liberals to positions helpful to the ALP?......What a strategic winner-of-votes that will be?"

"Malcolm Turnbull has got the shits with his party. I could appoint him to the World Bank or something similar.......There he can rub shoulders with his old mates from Goldman Sachs....... Or maybe Ambassador to the US?...... Phillip Ruddock would probably love a fancy gig somewhere........ Not to mention Bronwyn Bishop.For God's sake, Shadow Minister for the Aged! She should be in a home herself."

His sharp political mind goes into evaluation phase.

"The problem is going to be getting Paul Keating to see the method in my madness...... He goes berserk every time I make one of the these 'wise political appointments'......He's not a Christian like me....... He's not magnanimous like me! That's why his wife left him and Therese is still with me."

" Maybe I'd better run it past Caucus first!"

He arises from his easy chair and heads to the pool where Therese is giving her new bathers a run.

"Therese. Therese.....What do you think about this idea?"

At this point you sniff a new aroma coming from the kitchen and it distracts you from the robust decision-making process in train. You take your leave knowing that Australia has the leadership it deserves.

Some old Prime Ministers dont seem to die, but they still leave a bad smell!

Today The Blowfly is perched on the shoulder of our erstwhile former leader Paul Keating as he wreaks havoc on the world with his ascerbic views.

For The Blowfly it has been a fairly hairy ride.Paul is not one to sit and reflect .He is more of a 'run the ball up' sort of guy and frankly you've had to cling to his shoulder with vigilance during this most recent visit.

You do like the feel of Keating's Italian suits, but in your own mind you could always preferred Gough's shoulder because you can see further.

Paul likes taking a shot at most things associated with the old guard---except his mentor Jack Lang! So it was no surprise to The Blowfly when he tackled the subject of Canberra. Of course you know where Paul is coming from with his latest foray.

Like Paul you always preferred the garbage and swill of Sydney's western suburbs to the circular and benign grass-ways of our national capital.He had to uproot his family and move them to this false paradise. He found himself like a fish out of water. And he did what fish do when they find themselves out of water---he thrashed around frantically before suffocating and enduring a slow painful death.

Paul does not like Canberra. He never did and he never will! I'm sure there wont be many Canberran's who will give a rats about Paul's views. Talk about souffle's rising twice!

And The Blowfly was on Paul's shoulder when he had to shake hands with Malcolm Fraser just recently. For The Blowfly it was more satisfying than blowfly-sex.The atmosphere was electric! These 2 former leaders shaking hands for the cameras. You could feel the love in the room.Yours truly was ecstatic! You remembered the words of your father when he told you that there are some people 'who don't know how to have fun without laughing'. But you do! You know how to pick your moments and on whose shoulder to sit to maximise your fun.

The Blowfly notes that the other sad 'shadow of his former self' PM is also starting to strut his stuff on the speaking circuit. John Howard must've finished his post-
PMship counselling (paid for by the taxpayer) and is now ready to face the world and tell everyone what he now knows to be true.

The Blowfly wonders when he will turn his ultimate unrelenting wisdom to how the Liberal Party can rebuild itself.And how he will rationalise his role in its current despair.

The Blowfly then flagellates himself that he is one sick puppy by entertaining this thought and leaves Keating's shoulder to a more satisfying perch on an old hamburger he has spotted rotting in the sun.

The Blowfly finds himself singing "Heaven, I'm in Heaven".