Monday, November 29, 2010

Tony Abbott will have to adjust more than just his 'budgie smugglers' in 2011

It's been a while since The Blowfly graced the shoulder of the Opposition leader, Tony Abbott.

But this week The Blowfly felt strangely drawn to 'the mad monk' because he'd heard at the 'evening garbage tins' that Tony had invited Andrew Wilkie to have a little chat.And to repeat it weekly whilst Parliament was sitting!

To the Blowfly this was evidence that aliens had landed, abducted the real Tony Abbott, and replaced him with a Malcolm Turnbull look-a-like.

Always interested in UFO activity The Blowfly sought out the Opposition leader's rather difficult-to-land-on shoulder. That is because he is always on the move and the slip-stream caused by his large ears is almost intolerable when you have constant shit on your feet. With shit on your feet cant seem get a good grip on a Catholic shoulder.

But this week you caught him in a rare quiet moment in his ante-room when he indulged himself in a little daydreaming.On his coffee table you noticed a copy of "The Internet for Dummies". You noted its pristine, barely-opened condition.

The Blowfly always finds it easy to read Tony's mind because his larger ears seem to act like thought-amplifiers and what goes on in his brain comes through crystal-clear.

As The Blowfly raised his psychic antennae Tony's thoughts came through loud and clear.

"This Parliament is harder than I thought...... I believed all politicians would respond to blatant pork-barrelling..... these bloody Independents are causing me more bowel movements that I need in my position!..... even that raving lunatic Katter has supported the Government more times than he has supported us..... and that snivelling Wilkie!.....the bastard who blew our cover on Iraq!... even he wouldn't fall for that 'new hospital for his electorate' ploy that Joe Hockey said would work for sure..... what is this world coming to?"

He snorts and then continues.

"Some people are saying that I need to develop a vision for this country and work out what sort of government we are going to be when we finally get in...... good Lord what is an Opposition leader going to have to do next?.... when I was growing up visions were things that Catholic children saw in remote villages after they had been naughty and needed more love from their parents...... 'Little Johnny', as dear as he was to me, only taught me about pork-barrelling....... he was very disparaging about visions...... they were the things Janette had in her sleep he used to say."

He snorts again.

"Malcolm is more suited to this 'vision' stuff.....he thinks differently to me.... he's not a Rhodes Scholar.....he's a business man..... to make shit-loads of money like he has done you need to be able to think a long way ahead......politics is different....its more knee-jerk stuff... anyway politicians on my side are not bright enough to develop visions..... Jesus H Christ they haven't even worked out yet the dis-service I did them by knocking Malcolm off last year...... after he got into bed with Rudd on the ETS, when Rudd pulled the pin on it, the Greens would've voted for us and we would be in power now........ and he's a sneaky little bastard that Turnbull!..... I told him to destroy the NBN.......that's based on what Brother John taught me at school.... "A good Catholic should always destroy anything he does not understand"...... but deep in my bones I feel that Malcolm is really just modifying it and revising our policy so we could win an election with it......just like the ALP did....God forbid!...... I don't know whether to love him or hate him......he thinks he's God just because he has an iPhone and a Twitter account....and errr...... yes......... $200 million............ I can't even use the iPod the kids gave me last year for Christmas......even the Queen can use hers!.... shit, I must be a Luddite".

It was at this moment that his personal assistant entered the room and announced excitedly that Tony had just received an invitation for an audience with the Pope during 2011.His face lit up and his eyes beamed.

Then the let-down. The personal assistant also advised, in a rather droll fashion, that the audience with the Pope coincided with a scheduled sitting day for Parliament.

Because no 'pairs' are allowed by the Opposition he would not be able to attend.

The Blowfly smiled a knowing smile, rubbed his shitty feet together, and alighted, reassured that this Universe is still in the hands of a God with a sense of humour.

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