Kevin Rudd's real 'Sorry' speech---in a parallel universe!

A couple of weeks ago the Parliament observed National Sorry Day.

The original ‘Sorry Day’ had definitely been one of the highlights of Kevin Rudd’s short Prime Ministerial career.

What you don’t know is that another ‘Sorry’ speech took place in a parallel universe not far away.

It went like this.

“Hello, I’m Kevin Rudd, I’m here to say sorry.

I’m sorry that I’m still more popular in Queensland than my red-headed ‘friend’.

I’m sorry that I still poll higher for preferred PM. This is not something I set out to do. I am not responsible for the ignorance of Australians about my appalling ‘hands-on’ management style and being a ‘control-freak’. After all I am a Queenslander and ……………….

I’m sorry that I still secretly aspire to be the Prime Minister. I am, after all, human and I loved the kudos. I loved the PM’s car with the little flags on it!

I’m sorry that I can’t quite bring myself to dispel the rumours that I might be conspiring behind the scenes to be the Prime Minister again. I like to keep the redhead on edge!

I’m sorry that I leaked all that information about my colleagues to Laurie Oakes. He has such a way with words----like I do! And what is a man to do when he has information that can undermine a compatriot!

I’m sorry that I love showing off by speaking Mandarin. I wish I could speak ‘Altona-nose’ but I just can’t bring myself to lower myself that far.

I’m also sorry that I’m clocking more miles as Foreign Minister than I ever thought possible and, stuffing single-handedly, Australia’s capacity to meet its emissions targets.

I’m sorry for keeping Penny Wong up so late at Copenhagen. That poor dear desperately needs her beauty sleep---- if anyone does! Meouw!

I’m sorry about all those hours of lost sleep I caused those public servants who had to get out of bed early when I was running the country. When you are PM you get so excited about running the country you can hardly sleep. And I don’t need a lot of sleep so why should they? Especially the Queenslanders in the public service!

I’m sorry for the Vision for the Future conference that offered so much promise to our country but went nowhere because I got rolled-----and, anyway, after I got rolled there was no point to any of those good ideas because as I’m not in charge there is no future for our country.

I’m sorry for swearing so much it is now permissible for Christians in Australia to excuse their foul language by saying “but Kevin used to say it”. Sorry for using the term ‘rat-f**kers’ at Copenhagen and causing it to slip into the Australian vernacular. I don’t even know what a ‘rat-f**ker’ is but it sounded good at the time -----and the Press picked it up!

My friends, Broncos fans and all you mere mortals who don’t know about all my foibles because I’m really good at hiding them, please accept my apologies.

I am deeply sorry!”