Monday, April 25, 2011

Where is the ALP's Fairy Godmother when she is needed?

Recently The Blowfly was able to pull himself out of a tight scrape and, given the circumstances, could only put it down to the intervention of his Fairy Godmother.

And it got him thinking. Everyone should have a Fairy Godmother!

The Australian Labor Party could do with one, especially.

Just imagine this for a moment or two.

You are a budding young Fairy Godmother. Your wand is brand new and has only really been used on basic ‘do-gooder’ assignments in class.

One morning you are called into the Fairy Godmother Superior’s office. Somehow you know she is up to mischief because of the strange ‘Whoopi Goldberg-type’ grin on her face. You are aware that she can hardly contain herself.

“As the Dux of the class of 2010 you are going to be allocated the most challenging assignment,” she commands.

Her smirking is starting to worry you.

”For some time I have been concerned that the Federal Labor Government is going to need some help if it is to survive the hung parliament. I’ve concluded that my brilliance would best be manifested by appointing you and your hardly-used-wand to the Australian Labor Party.” Somehow the smirk on her face seems to extend to the whole room.

You feel gutted. You had been hoping for Wills and Kate. Or maybe the Dalai Lama! Even perhaps Kylie. But the ALP! Talk about the pits. The words of Paul Keating come into your head: "I got the poisoned chalice, mate!”

You retreat to your special place of solitude to consider your assignment.

In your mind you start your assessment.

1. The Labor Party leader is a woman. This is usually a good sign that things are ship-shape. This is a tick.
2. She is an unmarried atheist. She has been invited to the Royal Wedding and has taken her fancy man with her. This is probably a 2-edged sword. No tick.
3. To govern, she is relying on support from a Party led by a gay doctor from Tasmania and Independents which include a cowboy from Queensland, an ex-Duntroon student possessed of a quaint fascination for Hitler, a garrulous aspiring Parliamentary Speaker from Port Macquarie and a ruddy-faced ex-farmer from Quirindi who says Barnaby Joyce is a fool. A mixed bag. Half a tick. Especially for the last Independent.
4. One of her Ministers has married the Governor-General’s daughter. This augurs well for there being no nasty surprises. If only Gough had had this advantage! A full tick.
5. The Government is trying to introduce a carbon tax. There is general acknowledgement that, globally, Australia’s efforts to reduce emissions will make no noticeable difference. However the opportunity to rearrange Australia’s commodity-dependent economy is too good to pass up. This is a tick.
6. A union leader Paul Howes says he will not support the carbon tax if there are jobs to be lost. This is reminiscent of John Robertson’s foray into the NSW electricity industry. The unions always seem so short-sighted about jobs. They save the jobs they have rather than create the jobs they need. A definite cross.

You pick up your magic wand and look despairingly at it.

You think to yourself: ”I have a sneaking suspicion I’m going to need a bigger wand.”

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